REMNANTS OF DEJA VU

My eyes opened to darkness with fragments of light, trying to focus like the iris of a camera. A hum of voices was off in the distance while the interior of the fuselage creaked and broken wires hissed. The fall of gravity made me quickly realize that I was hanging upside down. I blindly reached up to my seatbelt which was still intact. The buckle did not budge. My face was burning hot and I felt that at any moment my eyes would gruesomely pop from my head. My Ankh necklace was hitting against my chin. My dry lips parted.

"Hey!" I said hoarsely. "Help. Help me, please!"

It was useless. I was alone. I tried to take deep breaths to avoid from panicking but the buckle was digging deep into my lower abdomen. It was hard enough to think, talking myself out of panicking was even harder. I tugged on my seatbelt with all my might but nothing happened. I dangled lifelessly and guessed that about three feet of dead air separated me from the ground. I swung my hips back and forth and I pulled on the corner of the seatbelt. Gravity had finally offered a helping hand as I heard the belt begin to tear. A few more tugs and I was free. I spun in the air, landing on something soft…and squishy. I turned around and recoiled quickly. The dead eyes of a man stared back at me. It was the guy who had asked I was alright after we hit turbulation.

"Are you okay?" I asked, even though I knew better.

Fear was overtaking my body but I forced myself to check for his pulse. I raised his wrist carefully, watching his face the whole time as if at any moment he would spring to life and say, 'I got you big time!' but he didn't. His eyes didn't move, he never flinched, and he had no pulse. I felt so guilty. This man had a family, a career and whole life ahead of him. As did all the other lifeless eyes that seemed to suddenly appear around me. My heart picked up momentum and I told myself that it was time to run. I crawled through the mass of bodies and luggage.

"I'm so sorry," I said to no one as tears fell down my cheeks.

I wiped my tear stricken face and turned away, looking up to see the total damage. Luggage was askew everywhere and wires were dangling; they sparked and hissed in every direction. There were bodies too, several of them, scattered like rag dolls across seats. It felt like they were all looking at me to give them help that I didn't have; I didn't have magical healing powers, though at that moment I wished I did. Something about me felt so strange; like my heart kept skipping a beat or maybe it was hollowing out. Maybe it just hurt because I knew I could do nothing for these people. Either that or I was just scared shitless. Yes that was it, I was terrified. My breathing was fast and my palms were sweaty. Fight or flight Sarah, what are you going to do? My conscience said to help and check everyone for life but my gut said flight, get out now! As if on their own, my feet began to move, and I was forced to get up as I dragged myself over the luggage and people who remained on the plane. I felt like I had been crawling over people for a lifetime when sunlight finally appeared between the seats. Finally I reached the opening in the fuselage and jumped. My feet hit the sand and I gracefully tumbled down onto the ground. I slowly sat up to meet the pandemonium.

People were scurrying past me with looks of confusion and shock. A young girl about my age walked almost zombie-like with a glazed over look repeating the words,

"Crash, the plane, it crashed."

The entire scene felt completely unreal. I felt like I on sitting on my couch watching the pilot episode all over again. My brain literally could not take everything in. My eyes moved around endlessly. There a man screaming lying in the sand with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his shine. A woman stood, spinning in a continuous circle calling out for Craig. Another woman was lying in the sand while a boy hovered over her, his hands pumping up and down against her chest. I blinked and stared harder – it was Rose and Boone.

"Oh my god," I said to myself. "This really is happening." I stood up swiftly, only to be brought down to my knees. The sand had suddenly swirled in with the sky and I shut my eyes, trying to shake off the dizziness. I crawled over to where Rose laid in the sand and watched Boone as he performed CPR. Nothing was happening, it wasn't working.

"Tilt her head back," I said to him.

"I am! I know what I'm doing!" Boone yelled to me over all of the other surrounding noise.

Rose was going to die. I looked past Boone and searched the beach. There were too many people who were all darting in different directions. They probably did not even see us down here in the sand to help us. What about that girl. Wait, she looks hurt. She keeps grabbing at her swollen stomach. Is that Emilie, or Claire, at this point I wasn't sure? A man in a suit blocked my view of her as he crouches to her level. It was Matthew. He had to help Rose.

"Matthew!" I shouted. He didn't look up me. Maybe he couldn't hear me.

"Matthew Fox!" I shouted much more loudly but still I got no response. We were losing time. Rose could die at any moment if someone didn't help us. I looked up to Matthew once again. He pointed out to someone and soon Hurley came jogging over. Now was the time. I parted my lips, if I didn't try then I would never know. I was very hesitant about what I was going to say next. I tried to lick my lips – man my mouth is so dry.

"Jack!" I screamed. Bingo. He looked my way and spotted Boone, performing CPR. I was definitely starting to believe my I-stepped-into-the-Lost-realm theory. After a moment he began jogging my way before Hurly stopped him.

"What's your name?" Hurly called out.

"Jack!" Jack yelled back.

I couldn't believe it, he really is Jack? Is this real? Jack turned back towards me and knelt down besides Rose.

"You need to tilt her head back." Boone moved back as Matt…Jack took over for him.

"I know CPR. I'm a lifeguard, I'm certified." Boone said in defense.

Jack quickly glanced at him as he checked to see if Rose was breathing.

"Yeah well you need to seriously think about giving that license back," Jack said as he opened her mouth and forced air into her lungs.

"Maybe we should do one of those hole things, where you stick the pen in the throat." Boone suggested as he pointed to his own throat. Was this seriously happening? I felt like I was sitting in my own living room watching the pilot episode again, but this time – I was watching it unfold in the flesh. I mean, word for word, it was exactly the same.

"Yeah good idea. You go get me a pen." Jack continued to pump on Rose's chest as Boone ran off for help. It felt like an eternity. I couldn't stop looking at Jack as he stared down to Rose. I knew Rose would be okay, but even I began to second guess the situation.

"You can do it." I egged on in encouragement. Jack just slightly shook his head as if to shake off my distraction.

"Come on." He breathed. Finally Rose began coughing. I sighed in relief. Something over Jack's shoulder caught my eye. The wing of the airplane that was jutting out into the air began separating from the fuselage. I looked to the sand and saw Hurley with his hand on Claire's shoulder. They would die if they didn't move.

"Big deep breaths!" Jack was still coaching Rose.

I suddenly jumped up and began running towards Claire.

"Get out of the way!" I shouted to them. I fell down in the sand; my head suddenly began spinning and little stars interrupted my view. My eyes felt like they were swirling in my head. I saw the feet of Jack run past me.

"Move! Get her up, get her out of there!" Jack shouted to Hurley and Claire. They quickly got on their feet and ran away from the wing as it began descending. When it finally hit the sand the wing exploded. I had at least 100 feet away but could feel the heat that cascaded off of the debris. It cast the blue sky in front of me a dark orange as black smoke billowed from the fumes. The explosion had counteracted a calming effect as everything seemed to quiet down. People had stopped running and those who had needed help were being tended too. The worst, as I knew it, had ended.

Out of breath and energy, I rolled on my back to meet the sand and stared up into the sky. It was insanely blue despite the billowing clouds of the black that partially distorted my view. Out of reaction I brought my hands to my head; it was as if a tribal dance was partaking inside my skull and my brain was the drum being used to keep up the tempo. My head was pounding, my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe. Is this what a panic attack felt like? I tried to take in a deep breath but couldn't fill my lungs. I sat up and tried again but failed. I felt like I was going to faint. My eyes searched the beach frantically but no one, conveniently, was around. I fell back onto the ground, taking short breaths, watching as the black smoke smeared into the blue sky. It moved over my head as if being carried away to the ocean by an invisible force.

"Are you alright?" I heard someone say. I couldn't tell if they were talking to me and I didn't move to see if they were. "Hey!"

I turned my head to see the silhouette of a man standing ten feet in front of me.

"I, can't-" I began but he quickly came over and crouched at my side.

"Slow down its okay," he said. If I wasn't already losing my breath, I felt as if I really would stop breathing as Ethan stared into my eyes. "You were saying?"

"Breathe. I can't breathe," I whispered to him.

"Stand up," he said to me as he pulled on my arm and got me to my feet. "Put your hands over your head," he said as he put them above my head for me. Our noses were practically touching. "Try and take a deep breath and exhale as long as you can. Breathe," he said as he too took in a deep breath, as if to show me how. "And exhale."

It was actually working. The longer I exhaled the deeper of a breath I could take in. I nodded my head as if to tell him that it was working.

"There," he said matter-of-factly. "All better."

He smiled so smugly. The proper thing to do would be to thank him but I couldn't even believe that he was standing before me. Even on the small screen he had intimidated me. Ethan suddenly reached out and touched my neck.

"That's a very beautiful necklace," he said. "Was it a gift?"

I nodded as he let out a small laugh. "Where are my manners? My name's Ethan." He grabbed my hand and held onto it rather than shaking it. I took in another deep breath.

"Sarah," I said.

"Well Sarah it is very nice to meet you," he said. I stared at him with caution, feeling that at any moment he would reach out and snap my neck.

"You seem pretty calm Ethan," I said, "for just surviving a plane crash."

His smiled faded slowly.

"Well I guess it just hasn't hit me yet," he said. "I'm going to see if anyone else needs help. It was nice to have met you."

I watched as he left me standing in a field of debris. I eyed the beach lazily, not sure what to do with myself. Jack was crouched near the fuselage sifting through a piece of luggage. He rose with an item in his hand and our eyes met. I reached up to scratch my head and winced at the pain. I brought my hand down and saw blood on my fingertips. I assumed that the gash on the top of my head had happened inside the plane when we hit turbulence.

I looked up and Jack was gone. I realized that he had probably been searching for a small sewing kit to stitch up the gash on his back. Should I go help him? What if I help him instead of Kate and break some Lost equilibrium? I walked towards the tree line and did not go after Jack.

People were settling down even more now and Sayid had gathered a few people to help collect fire wood for the whole population. I decided to gather my own bundle of firewood in the hopes of being able to be alone. Even if I had just been through a traumatic situation and probably needed the support of other people I wanted nothing more than to just be alone and cry in my own solitude. I moved slowly to gather my wood, still feeling a little dizzy but not as bad as before. I set up my camp far away from the fuselage and the people and closer to the water. I was half hoping the sound of the waves would rid image of the bodies still lying inside the plane. I went to the nearest person sitting by a fire and kindly asked if I could take one of their logs over to where I was sitting to start my own fire. They offered for me to stay with them but I declined, telling them that I really needed to be with my own thoughts. They nodded in understanding and I helped myself.

I had never felt so alone in my life. My mother had always been the person I could rely on to talk me down when I'm angry and tell me when I'm being naïve and just listen when I want to vent. But she obviously wasn't here. I didn't feel comfortable just talking to a bunch of strangers; even I really knew a good handful of them. I couldn't just go up to them and say, "Hey, I know you. You're on my TV every Tuesday night."

I wiped my damp face and tried to like of positive things. One positive, I was alive. Another positive, I knew I wasn't going through this alone. As much as I tried to stay positive my mind couldn't help but wander. Was I really going through this right now? I mean, it felt real. The pain in my head feels real. The smell of the fire and the salty ocean air seemed real. The dusk sky looked amazing. People talking in the distance seemed real. The touch of the sand felt like every other beach I had been on. And yet after all of that I doubted myself. I kept waiting for my eyes to truly open to reality and I would still be on the plane, sitting comfortably with a pillow under my head, still LA bound. But at the moment, I wasn't, and I was trying desperately to grasp onto that concept.

I blindly played with my necklace as I watched the flames dance from one piece of wood to another. Everything before this day had seemed so simple. The way I felt about my dad suddenly didn't matter now – the whole situation seemed minimalistic and greater things were now happening to my life. I felt like I was suddenly being thrusted into dealing with this adult situation and would do anything to be back in LA about to go to college. I could never be 100% sure if I was really here, on the Lost island, surrounded by survivors of flight 815 which included Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke and that somewhere on this island – amongst the trees and the wildlife, lying in the shadow of the statue was Jacob. And if these were the cards I was being dealt then so be it – I'll play my hand.

After I could cry no more, and my own pity party had ended and everyone had gone home I devised a plan. Using a twig, I had outlined upcoming events that I should be aware of in the sand. The first was the walk to the cockpit which originally included Jack, Kate and Charlie. But that team roster was going to add one player, me. In the beginning of Lost, going out on outings was free game to everyone. Why not join in on as many as I can before A. I wake up and realize it all was just a dream and B. before people start picking only favorites.

I erased my outline with my hand and lied on the ground. The sky was cloudless and stars looked spectacular. I almost thought to myself that I should add an Astronomy class to my upcoming school schedule before I realized that school might not happen for me after all. A jolt from the jungle frightened me and I sat up. The trees in front of the beach swayed violently as the mixed sounds of dinosaurs, winding machines and tortured souls engulfed the air. Hello, smoke monster. I watched from my position as the people on the beach all huddled together and gossiped about the possibilities of what could have made such a noise and be that large. I smiled as I watched them and the trees calm down. The smoke monster had never really scared me but only intrigued me. How did such a thing come to be on the island and what exactly is it? I shook my head as I laughed to myself and eyed the beach again. I was being stared at by Jack and he stood with Kate – she was still looking towards the trees, as if waiting for whatever made that noise to come out and show itself. Jack stared at me with a confused look on his face and his brows furrowed. Hmm, maybe I should wipe the smirk off my face.

In my mind I had always thought that Jack and I would make fast friends. But right now it did not seem to be happening that way. Every time I saw him or was around him he looked at me oddly, like I was an obnoxious parasite sucking the blood out of his arm. A part of me knew I was being dramatic – I mean, hello, I've been here for a total of eight hours? But I did not think that I could go through this alone. I needed someone I could trust and confide in. Someone who would understand the crazy ass situation I was thrown into. What was once fiction for me was now reality – who on earth would believe a story like that one? Jack, a man of science, would think I was a goon and deem me delusional. But I wasn't. I was just a girl living one hell of a dream.

As I scanned the beach it suddenly came clear that I could confide in someone and they wouldn't think I was totally crazy. But where were they? Just before the fuselage sitting by his self was the person I was looking for. He had gone through crazy situations and experienced personal hardships. If anything he would be the most sympathetic to my situation – well maybe not sympathetic, but he would believe me. Of all the things that had happened in his life how could he not believe me? That was that, I knew exactly who I could tell. And the first chance I got, I was going to confide in John Locke.