"We were always fucked up roustabouts," the red-headed party girl leads with drunken courage.

"Had our ups, downs, and near throwdowns," Shinji chimes in with a tip of his glass.

"Made yourself the center of attention," Misato responds, thoroughly amused.

"That leader of Tsundere town," Asuka adds with a sloppy grin.

"But that ended forever more, when the Lance of Longinus pierced your Eva's core," Rei hiccups, her pale face almost completely red. The party clinks their drinks together, before shouting out in a boisterous chorus.

Chapter 6: "Asuka's Got A Mommy Problem!"

Misato takes a man-sized hit of her trademark can of Yebisu, before thrusting it out in triumph. She squees with delight, the happy sauce making everything go according to plan. "Oh god yes, that's living!" Stifling an unladylike belch, she sneaks a sleazy look at the girl of honor. "So Asuka, tell the class why you're so fucked in the head."

"Awww, but we did the whole song already Misato," Asuka moans with an overacted slouch. "Besides, it's long and boring and you all know it by rote now."

Mana, the most sober thanks to her authentic Moscow-2 alcohol processors, leans in closer. "I don't know it, this is my first time really doing this."

Mari, sniffing embarrassing human misery out like a bloodhound, gets up in Asuka's face. "Yeah Red, get us stupid newbies up to speed."

"Wondergirl, McDumbass, help me out here!" She's drunk, but she's not "share defining personal issues with complete strangers" kind of drunk. That comes in a few shots.

"It's no skin off my back if you do it or not, as long as you don't bring up the you-know-what," Shinji slurs, feet up on the table.

Asuka breaks out in a half smile, "What, you mean the masturbation?" The spit-take from Shinji only serves to egg her on. She clears her throat with the air of a judge about to sentence someone to death. "Shinjecchi here, after killing his prettyboy Angel lover decided to pay me a visit in the infirmary. He cried and he cried, begging and pleading for me to wake up, to call him names. He put his filthy hands on me, pulled my shirt off." Shinji winces, feeling the accusing eyes of a predominately female audience upon him. The storyteller gives him a "you asked for it" look and continues. " Apparently, comatose titties really gets his motor running, because he went to have some alone time afterward. It fucked him up so much, he spent most of the 18th Angel fight curled up in a ball."

"I had to literally drag him to the cages because he wouldn't move," Misato adds. She feels for the kid, deviancy and all. "He ended up a god, and I ended up as chunky salsa. Fair enough trade."

"When he finally took the initiative, it was to choke me." Asuka twitches, something distasteful in her mouth. "Probably got him hard."

Shinji is about three seconds away from breaking down in tears. He swallows a lump and glares at his red-headed tormentor with sparkling eyes. "I'm sorry Asuka! How many times do I have to say it? How many times do I have to realize the last time I saw you before Third Impact it was with spunk in my hands? How many times do I have to hear you scream "I'll fucking kill you" as harpies tear you limb from limb?" He's beet red with shame as he slams his head bowing over and over. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry okay? I'm scum, I'm a deviant, I'm fucking garbage! Is that what you want? Is that what makes you feel better about yourself?"

"What are you, retarded or something?" Asuka grabs him by the hair, pulling his face up to meet hers. "You saw in my head, you should know this doesn't make me happy. I'm never happy, I can never be happy, and I will never be happy!"

"Shut the fuck up Red, Jesus," Mari interjects with all the tact of a bull elephant. "Look, you two obviously want to bone, so you should just bone." She barks out a laugh. "Everybody knows hatesex is the best sex anyway." That draws all eyes on her, a combination of annoyance, anger, and confusion from Rei.

"You know, normally I would agree with the Fourth," Misato ponders, having been around enough awkward moments to know to softly tread. "But some intimacy problems can't be solved with a good dicking." She takes a sip of some nameless fifth. "It does help though, don't get me wrong."

"We do not have "intimacy problems", we have "I hate you and I want you to die" problems," Asuka growls. "You think that'd get through that gin-soaked skull of yours Katsuragi."

"You wanna go bitch? Sortie one mission without messing up or getting mind raped and you think you can be captain?" Nobody insults Misato Katsuragi's gin-soaked skull and gets away with it.

"Alright, let's do this. When I'm done with you, I can beat Wondergirl's doll face in."

Rei turns towards her, ever so slightly. The melancholy air around her is all she shows of her shock. Did Lilith...did she hurt the Second that much?

"If you wish to strike me, I will not fight back. I accept any punishment I have earned, Pilot Sohryu." She turns her palms up, the sign of acquiescence. The scowl that darkens Asuka's face makes hers fall a few shades more.

"God, stop acting like you're not in the wrong here, it pisses me off!" Stupid fucking Wondergirl, always with those dead eyes, like a doll's eyes. Why does everybody love those eyes, why will everybody die for her? "You've been a pain in my ass since the day I met you, all of you! I hate you Rei Ayanami! I hate you Shinij Ikari, Misato Katsuragi, the rest! I hate, hate, hate all of you!" She takes a wobbly swing at Misato, all pretense of training gone. It's caught and turned into a restraining hold, both her wrists handcuffed together. She gnashes and headbutts Misato in the nose, drawing blood. With an oath, Misato kicks out the Second's knee, swings around to her back, and makes her eat floor. Asuka roars and rages, kicking her feet and snapping at any loose bits she can. This did not go as planned at all.

"Asuka Sohryu Shikinami Langley, you are a danger to yourself and others. You have demonstrated insubordination, assault of a commanding officer, and an inability to work with your fellow pilots." This was going to suck. "I am hereby removing you from active duty." Alright Misato, big girl panties. Don't crack. "As of now, you are no longer pilot of Evangelion Unit 02."

The scream could be heard throughout the complex.

"Y-you can't do that!" Oh god, it's happening. "You don't have the jurisdiction! You can't do this to me!" I fucked it all up again. "You need me! I'm the best pilot you have!" Don't cry, don't cry, don't-. "If you take away my Eva, I might as well be dead." Her head sags, bangs obscuring her eyes. Her voice is as flat as Rei's ever was. "So get it over with. Kill me now and I'll see you bastards next time."

"I'm not going to kill you Asuka. You know that."

"You've already got me restrained like a mad dog Captain," she says, last word honed to a razor's edge. "You might as well put me down."

"God dammit, look," Misato crouches down in front of Asuka. "Look at me girl, this mean mugging thing isn't going to get us anywhere." A tense second passes, and Asuka tilts her head up a fraction. "Good enough. Now look, I just wanted to throw a party. Get smashed, see if a little liquor would loosen you up. I didn't want to have to cuff you, and I'm not going to take you off the team." She pauses, lets Asuka understand that last part. "But I will not have you act like you're the only one who's issues matter. The reason things end so badly for us is we act like hedgehogs instead of people. We act like we don't have any connections." Her eyes go soft, smiling. "But you have connections. You have people willing to kill for you, to die for you. You have comrades, you have friends, you have me."

"I don't need anybody, I didn't want you to connect to me." Asuka's voice is a hoarse whisper, tinged with many bad things. "I don't care about you and I don't want to care about you."

"Bullshit," Rei says, clear as day. For her, that was shouting at the top of her lungs. Her hands are behind her back, so Asuka can't see them shaking. "It seems you, in your newfound angst, have forgotten what eats at your heart." The look she gets is withering, but she will not falter. Her Great Mother whispers promises of dominance, but she will not listen. She swore to protect everyone, and by God she will. She gets down on her knees and helps Asuka to hers. Those eyes. Those horrible dead eyes, like her own. Nobody human should have those eyes. "You wish for someone to hold you. I am not Ikari-kun, but I shall serve in his stead."

For the first time in [REDACTED] cycles, Rei gives Asuka the embrace she so desperately needed. And the shippers rejoice.

Stricken out of the loop by the sudden deluge of drama, Mana and Mari trade conspiratorial whispers. This is a matter to be solved between main characters yes, but they've been promoted to the big leagues. It's best if they don't interfere, but they still want to do something. "This is a real downer isn't it, Mari?"

Mari scratches her head, bored out of her mind. "I'm so not feeling this touchy-feely shit. It's harshing my buzz."

Mana shoots her a dirty look. "I think it's sweet though, you know Rei's not good with the whole human interaction thing."

"You think two effete teenage boys playing grabass with each other is sweet, fujoshi," Mari scoffs, knocking back another drink. Mana blushes and puts on a pout.

"My proclivities have nothing to do with the gravity of the situation! Besides, how do you know that?"

"I heard you tuning up in the bathroom earlier," Mari says, as if it were exceedingly obvious. "And I saw the Kamina x Simon doujinshi in your back pocket. Who takes that on a mission?"

"It's a good luck charm, honest!"

A quartet of ahems cuts short the secondary pilots short, as the three Children and their ward makes their disapproval known.

"Whoops, sorry."

"My bad." Mari and Mana bow an apology. "Carry on, we're watching."

"Thank you Pilot Illustrious, Ms. Makinari." Rei returns the gesture, before turning back to a shaking Asuka. "Is something the matter?" The shaking increases with intensity, a low sound coming from her throat. Is it sobbing, or?

"Heh. Hehe. Hahaha. Hahahahahaha!" Asuka rolls her head back, laughing like a woman possessed. Her bangs fall back, bringing her reddened face to the light. She laughs right in Rei's face, her eyes ringed red. "Holy shit Wondergirl, I didn't knew you swung that way." Rei recoils a little, blinking twice. This is even funnier to her, so the laughter picks up. Everyone around the table stares at her, one thought on their collective mind. Asuka's finally snapped.

"Um, Asuka?" Shinji asks, unsure of the intelligence of his actions. "Are you okay?"

"What are you, stupid?" The redhead stifles a chuckle. "Of course not. I'm totally insane, completely and utterly bat guano crazy. I have to be if Ayanami is giving me a hug right now, I mean there's no other explanation." She looks Wonder...Rei dead on, face to face, eye to eye. She knows those eyes. She's seen them in the mirror every day she's woken up; every night she vents her spleen to her ragdoll doppleganger. They're good eyes. "I never thought I'd say this, but thank you Rei."

"You called me...Rei." Oh Great Mother, that's never happened before. Is she going to die again? "It...unsettles me."

"Oh yeah, I see how this works," Asuka says with a sad half smile. She bows her head a little, looks up at Rei with bright blue eyes. "First Child Lilith Wondergirl Ayanami, may I have permission to call you Rei?"

Ayanami can't help but have her eyes turn black, the Rei who just became Rei's brain shut down. This is unprecedented. This is not a part of the scenario. This is, kind of nice actually. Her lids fall languidly, a smile plays on her lips. Thus just got much more interesting.

"You have permission, Asuka Sohryu Shikinami Langley."

One foot on the table, one fist thrown up in victory, Misato Katsuragi roars in triumph. All that's needed is an explosion. "Fuck YEAH, that's what I'm talking about!" She points to Shinji with fierce determination. "You, beer me!" She whips her head towards Asuka and Rei, still ship teasingly close. "You two, stop making out with each other and pull up some chairs. We're doing karaoke!"

"Should I take off the handcuffs, Captain Katsuragi?"

Misato shrugs. "Do what you will, Rei."

Rei breaks out in a grin somewhere between innocuous and lascivious. "Sir, yes sir!" She takes an AT-Field enhanced nail and splits the chain down the middle, then the cuffs from Asuka's wrist. She places the cuff around her own wrist, searing it closed with the light of her soul, giving her former rival a shy smile.

"Hey Rei, why are you putting that on? Got a bondage fetish?"

"Why yes Asuka, I do," she says, deadpan. "I am attributing my inherent belief in protecting humanity to this handcuff. It is a fetish that signifies my happy bondage to all of you." There's a lightness to her flat expression. She nods, willing herself forward. "Thus, this is a fetish of bondage. A bondage fetish." That draws another round of laughter from the red-headed firebrand. Happy laughter. Maybe she can laugh again.

"You must be one of the new model dolls, with a built in comedy chip." Asuka gives the girl a playful slug in the shoulder. "Don't lose it, or I'll have to go back to making fun of Stupid Shinji for amusement."

Shinji smiles, crisis averted. "Good to have you back Asuka, I thought I'd have to choke a bitch again." Her face lights up, that old German swagger flooding back in spades. She puts on her best cheerful face and flips him the bird.

"Fuck off, Stupid Shinji."

"Good, good, everything is going according to the scenario." A cheerful sigh. "Lilim are so cute when they work through their frailties."

A coffin slides open on the surface of the moon. Scrubbing stray sparkles from his hair, Kaworu Nagisa, the alpha and omega of Angels gazes upon his trusty steed. The black and blue monolith stirs, white eyes gleaming. He raises a hand towards the Earth, setting out for new territory. The actors are in position, the stage is set, and everyone knows their lines. This is no longer a rehearsal, the true show will begin.

"It's showtime, Mark 06."