Curtains rise on a new day in Tokyo-3, but down in Terminal Dogma the only light is that of technology. The pale blue glow of the Reiquarium casts a dour pallor upon the faces of NERV's crack science team cum lesbian pairing; Dr. Akagi and Nurse Ibuki. Dozens of blank red eyes watch intently as Akagi spirals further and further past the bounds of good sense. She looks upon them with a hangman's grin; grinding her trusty cigarette between her teeth. They wisely look away towards Maya, now the only hope for reason.
"Are you sure about this Ritsuko-sempai?" Maya asks, nervously clutching a sheaf of half-mad notes. "This has never been done before, in any of the cycles. And frankly, it makes no Eve-damned sense."
"You dare doubt my genius Recruit?" Ritsuko snaps, gesturing wildly. Her lab coat billows dramatically with the violent movement. Her hair, still unkempt, is now a two-tone blond/brunette combination. Stray hairs emerge like hungry tentacles. "Sure, I haven't slept in days, and mistakes have been made recently-"
"We lost half of the lower floors to the Dirac Sea, sempai," Maya squeaks.
"They were unimportant floors anyway," Ritsuko scoffs. "Besides, you have to break a few dimensions before you can make a SCIENCE Omelet." She coughs dramatically, "Where was I? Oh yes. Once the Big Zam is mass produced!"
"That's not right at all sempai," Maya says, waving her hands in the negative. "You were talking about mistakes being made."
"Oh," Ritsuko says slackfaced, "Right. Ahem. This is a triumph of techno-organic cognitive science! My mother would have killed fifty Ree for a chance at discovering this!"
"It worries me when you say things like that sempai, especially since you're their caretaker."
"They know I love them, in my own special way," she says as she gives the tank a sideways glance; honey sweet voice dripping with venom. "Isn't that right girls?" The Ree recoil, heads down, the closer ones attempting to float away from the scary lady that holds their lives in her hands.
Maya suppresses a shudder; she's already wearing the school swimsuit under her labcoat, and all the spinning she's had to do is making her dizzy. There's not much else she can do for Ritsuko that is fit to print in a proper Christian fanfiction. "Moving on, are you sure this is going to work?"
"Not really, no," Ritsuko says flatly. "Zeppelin had done some research on this in between making the Second such a charming little ball of anti-social personality disorder and being a huge bitch. The Americans managed to find an AI surrogate workaround with Units 03 and 04, but they don't perform nearly as well as the original three do." She takes a drag, gathering her thoughts. "In any case, those still need pilots. The Evas can think, our entry plug system just makes the pilots think for them."
"But the Dummy Plug system runs off of the same concept, doesn't it?"
"The alpha did, yes. It didn't work too well; EVA-01 and the MP series were as good as mindless. So, I gave them minds." Ritsuko crosses her arms, proud of herself. "This is something completely different."
"And completely insane."
Ritsuko shrugs, raising an eyebrow. Three monolithic screens turn on behind her, the backlighting casting Cagliari shadows on her. "Of course. It wouldn't be mad science if there wasn't a little bit of madness behind it. Wake up girls, meet your second mommy."
Track 11: (Am I) Confusing You?
Two numbers burn onto the leftmost screen in brilliant blue: 00. "Aw, but I don't wanna wake up yet! I had this wonderful dream where I just chokeslammed a giant kitten."
"Uh, Ritsuko-sempai?" Maya asks, fear creeping across her mind. "Why does she sound like those recordings of Rei as a little girl?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Ritsuko snerks. "Tell the nice lady your name now."
"Megumi Fubuki, the First Made. Got any sweets? Or orange juice? I don't know why, but I really want some orange juice right now. Maybe some Tang..."
"Don't mind her, she doesn't have taste buds," Ritsuko says, forcing a smile. "Yet."
The rightmost screen springs to life with burning red numbers: 02. "Ugh, the hell is it now Akagi?"
"Now Gertrude, show some respect," Ritsuko chides, the smile cracking a little. "I brought you back into this world, and I can take you out of it."
"You've said that so many times it's lost all meaning," the monolith groans. "And you know I hate being called Gertrude. Why couldn't I have kept Kyoko? It's so pretty and Japanese."
"Because if you had kept Kyoko, my finger might have slipped on the "total delete" button by now. Now introduce yourself like a proper sin against God and nature."
"Alright, alright. My name is Gertrude Kyoko Shikinami, the Second Made. A pleasure to meet you."
Maya simply stares, bug-eyed at the monoliths. She's sure that one sounds like a younger Zeppelin-Sohryu. "You didn't!"
"What, make gestalt souls of the Children and their mother figures for use as expendable pilot surrogates?" Ritsuko blows another puff of smoke. "Of course not. Whatever would give you that idea?"
The middle monolith flickers on, purple letters almost embarrassed to be seen: 01. "Pardon the intrusion, but is it time for me to introduce myself Miss Akagi?"
"Huh, no. Go ahead," she says with a wave of her hand. Maya grits her teeth. If the first one sounded like Rei, and the second one sounded like Zeppelin, then why is this one a girl? A husky, cool, masculine sounding girl? Wait, Shinji sounded awfully feminine at times...Oh hell no.
"Um, my name is Ring Mao, er, uh, Megumi Ogata, wait no. It's Noriko Akatsuki, the Third Made. I hope I haven't intruded." She lets out a nervous chuckle. "Don't worry, I won't betray Konoha."
Ritsuko gives the middle monolith a pointed stare. "What did I tell you about making voice actor jokes, Akatsuki?"
"I'm sorry." If it were possible for a flat black screen to bow in shame, the middle one managed to do so.
"We're still working the kinks out of the Third."
"Yeah, she's a total nerd and stuff," the leftmost screen chirps.
"Although she has good choice in names. You've got big shoes to fill if you want to be a quarter as awesome as Takayama was, Third," the rightmost screen threatens.
"I'll try my best!"
Maya goes slack, dropping the papers she had been holding. She falls to her knees, head swimming with general what the fuckery. "I think I liked it better when you were a crazy cat lady."
"I'm better than a crazy cat lady now, I'm a mad scientist," Ritsuko says, gathering up her notes. "They're surprisingly similar though; instead of using cats as replacements for human interaction, I just make human-ish intelligences." She adjusts the stack and places it on a desk. "Much cleaner. Don't have to worry about the smell of cat pee."
Maya stands back up, a newfound courage in her breast. Someone has to save Ritsuko-sempai from herself. "Are you sure about this? I mean, developing artificial intelligence worked so well for your mother."
"Well, unlike her, I know how to keep my Yui-faced would be romantic rivals in check, thank you very much." A few Ree shove their way behind their brethren, fearing the worst. "So I don't have to worry about any crazy slipping into them, like with Unit 00."
"I thought that's where we put Rei I?"
"I didn't say it wasn't."
"What?" Maya takes a mental step back; trying to figure out what soul powered Unit 00 was the way of the otaku. That way lies madness. She rubs her temples, suddenly craving a cigarette even though she didn't smoke.
"Oh, we didn't tell you? EVA-00 has a veritable orgy of souls in her," Ritsuko says nonchalantly. "We tried one of my mother's cats to start, which didn't work too well," she says, counting off on her fingers. "Then they tried using Rei I because the Commander didn't want to let a perfectly good loli go to waste. When that wasn't enough, they stuck Mother in there. You'd be surprised how long a metaphysical concept stays alive after the host body dies." She paces over to the Reiquarium, leans against the glass. The Ree give her a wide berth, even though there are several plates of heavily reinforced glass between them and her.
"That's...horrifying," Maya gags. Oh why did she have to be bumped up to an important role in the story? It was much better when all she had to deal with was unrequited love and the occasional dry-heave.
"And that's not even the crazy part," Ritsuko says, amused at her underling's suffering. "They pulled a rib out of Lilith and put it in 00," she says with a chortle. "A whole rib! I don't even know why, it was Adam who begets Eve that way." She looses a dreamy puff of smoke into the air. "That's what you get when you have people who only understand Christianity through Zombie Jesus developing progenitor conspiracies."
"Oh man, that's just," Maya grasps at strands of sense, finding none. "My brain is full of fuck right now."
Ritsuko giggles, beckons Maya over with a curled finger. It's a pale imitation of the come-hither look she gives the Commander, but it'll do for now. Maya shuffles over, turning redder than Nephilim eyes. She stops inches away from her sempai, who closes the gap with a one armed hug.
"Welcome to my world, kid."
~!~!~!
"Sit! Stay! Good boys and girls!" The homeroom teacher of Class 2-A, a childish-looking woman with wavy brown-black hair, bright brown eyes and a neutral colored sweater addresses the class. When she flashes a broad grin, it looks like she could be Katsuragi's sister. "Now, who wants an Impact Snack?"
"Miss Tanizaki, they don't make Impact Snacks anymore," Shinji says sheepishly. "Not after they were shown to cause insanity in Nephillem and lab mice." Nobody notices Rei shiver with suppressed desire.
"You want me to give you another shiner, Ikari?" the teacher replies cheerily. Shinji shrinks in his seat; he's already been punched in the face by enough authority figures this week. Who would have thought that Father would have taken him laughing at the Gurren Lagann reference so poorly?
"No ma'am."
"That's a smart boy," Miss Tanizaki says, tossing a piece of chalk in her hand with bad intentions. "Alright, we have a returning student and a new foreign exchange student for you today, so be nice!" Her cheery face turns conspiratorial."They're hot too, so if you're nice they might give you their cup sizes." A chorus of deep snickers and high-pitched groans bubble from within the classroom. Content with her actions, Miss Tanizaki plops down in her chair and promptly falls asleep.
"So, which pilot is it this time Ikari?" Kensuke asks, materializing directly behind Shinji's shoulder. "Is it Nono, Mahoro, or Ninamori?"
"It's none of those," Shinji replies, the pain from the bruise on his cheek rapidly being overtaken by a massive headache. "What makes you think it's even a pilot?"
"When was the last time we had a new student come to Tokyo-3 without being an Eva pilot?" The Ikari scion raises a hand to protest, but stops dead when he can't recall any names. The too savvy for his own good military otaku's glasses glint in triumph. "That's right, you can't think of any!"
"You do realize that inquiring about classified information is forbidden, Aida?" Rei pipes up, still staring out the window. "If you wish to inquire further, I am obliged to inform you that I have the right to silence such targets with extreme prejudice." Her voice is soft and detached, like a severed finger.
Kensuke gulps, his dad did say that Ayanami got special privileges. "P-pilots aren't allowed to do that!"
"Pilots aren't," Asuka says noncommittally, "but Wondergirl's special. She's practically classified as an anti-personnel weapon." She glances over at said Wondergirl. "Isn't that right?" In response, Rei punches a hole clean through her desk. A few students flinch reflexively, but most of the class is used to things like this. Being the main character class in an anime inures one to such oddities. She flexes her hand and turns to Kensuke, one eye blackened.
"So, what would you like to know about the new students?"
"Uh, nothing," Kensuke says, white with fear and dripping red with more than a little arousal. "Absolutely nothing at all!"
"That's what I expected," Rei says, returning to the interesting sights outside her window. "Pervert." As if awoken by the word 'pervert', or more likely by the sound of a fey blue-haired girl punching through a desk that would work as a shield in a duck and cover scenario, Miss Tanizaki snaps back to attention.
"Bwuh? Are the new students here yet?" The class shakes their heads. "Oh balls, I forgot to tell them to come in," she hisses. "Oh girls," she lilts, "come introduce yourselves!"
The doors open, and in step the newest editions to the comedy of errors that is Class 2-A. Mana is the first one in, each step measured and proper. Mari is right behind her, working her walk like she's trying to get a modeling job. Or ride a pole. All eyes are upon the both of them: the female half measuring the new additions to their ranks, the male half trying to spontaneously develop X-Ray Vision. Mana blushes a little, not used to being the center of attention. Plastic surgery is great when it's on the military's dime. She snaps to a ready stance, a slight hiss of machinery causing her to blush harder.
"I know you haven't seen me in a while, and I apologize. My name is Mana Kirishima, and I am thankful to see you all again." She bows deeply, Asuka/Rei gestalt bangs hanging over her face.
"Wait, who?" a faceless student asks.
"I think she was that one really nerdy girl nobody talked to."
"I thought her last name was Fujiyoshi?"
"No, that's the one Miss Kurosawa blackmailed into joining the track team."
"I heard she ships Harry/Ginny."
"That bitch!"
In the position she's in, nobody can see Mana grimace. Was she really that unpopular before the accident? And who would dare besmirch her shipping abilities with such a base pairing? Real fans shipped Harry/Luna. She brings herself back up, presents herself in the most conciliatory manner she can. Straining to keep a smile and hold back the urge to rocket punch a ho, she shuffles to her desk with her head down.
"Wonderful," Miss Tanizaki says with her nose in a magazine. "Fish 'n' Chips, your turn." That gets some scattered giggles and titters. A single over-the-glasses glance at the crowd from Mari ends the merriment right quick.
"Fish 'n' Chips, don't think I've heard that one before." She adjusts her glasses and twirls on her heel towards the board. With a thrust of her hips and a flutter of skirt, she begins to write her name in big bold characters. Once finished, she steps back; framing her handiwork with interlaced fingers. "Beautiful."
"Wait, does that say what I think it says?" Miss Tanizaki asks, craning her neck to look at the board.
"Yep. My name is Mari Makinari 'Motherfucking' Illustrious," she says with the utmost confidence. She steps to the side to show off her handiwork to the class, written exactly as she said it. With a flourish, she puts her hands on her hips. "Any questions?" she asks; an eyebrow raised in challenge.
"Well, your English is good and you have a better grasp of Kanji than the last exchange student," Miss Tanizaki says, scratching at her scalp. "Welcome to class Miss Motherfucking."
"Good to be here." Miss Motherfucking sashays to her desk; giving every boy she passes a little show. She takes her seat with a flash and a plop; kicking her feet up like a delinquent.
"God, she's such a Sue," Asuka mutters under her breath. She may not be Irish, but she certainly was a green-eyed monster right now.
"Don't get salty 'cuz you're old and busted Red," Mari says with a wistful sigh. "Remember, you were the new hotness once upon a time."
"What does that even mean?" Asuka yells, slamming her hands on the desk.
"It means listen to the peanut gallery," Mari says, thumbing towards said gallery.
"Wooooow."
"What a slut," says a rational, if mildly jealous random female.
"I know! Isn't it awesome," her now bi-curious best friend responds, sparkles in her eyes.
"Oh god I'd hit that so hard whoever pulled me out would be the rightful King of England."
"I'd her glasses."
"I'd her everything!"
Mari reclines with a smirk, arms folded over her chest. "Deal with it." Not willing to start a fight so soon after being released from the hospital, Asuka has no choice but to do so. She turns away as if struck.
"It's okay Sohryu," Hikari chimes in, placing a motherly hand on Asuka's shoulder. She's just a wanton sexpot who's trying to rile you up. "Adolescents enjoy the exotic."
"It's good to see that someone here is still sane," Asuka replies, mood lightening.
Kensuke slithers beside his jockish friend, leaning in to whisper in his ear. "They're totally going to do it." Touji gives him a boot to the ass, which pitches him forward under a desk. Mari's desk. And with it, all the visions it entails. It's everything he wished it would be and more.
"Huh, looks like there's a little something under my shoe," says Mari, looking down her nose. "You saw, didn't you?"
Kensuke nods so hard it looks like his head is on a jackhammer. He grins stupidly, glasses glinting, mouth drooling. Mari perks up, adjusting her own glasses. She uncrosses her legs under the table, drinking in the unabashed perversion of the nerdy kid.
"D-do I have to pay for this?" Kensuke asks; the thin stream of drool now a raging waterfall.
"Nope," Mari replies, "First one's free."
"Praise Kamina!"
"Nuh-uh, you praise me," she whispers huskily; hiking up her skirt a little more. It gives the benighted boy a taste of the light. "Kamina might be your God, but my snatch is your savior."
"Y-yes Mistress Illustrious!" Not even five minutes into class and she's already broken somebody, the three Children and their robot buddy think. Aida's already kowtowing to her, kissing her feet as if she were some kind of queen.
"And you think I'm a masochist," Shinji says to Asuka.
"You are," she replies, "It's just you don't break as easy."
It's time for the Class Rep to do her duties; someone's got to step in before Aida does something untoward. Quietly, she rises from her chair and calmly walks over to the scene. With a quick whuff of breath, she grabs Kensuke by the neck and drags him away. He kicks and screams, but the Class Rep will not be swayed.
"Hey Suzuhara, do you have any more Duct Tape?" Wordlessly, Touji tosses her a roll. "Thanks." She puts Kensuke back in his chair, then tapes his mouth closed. With deft hands, she binds his feet to the chair's legs. Satisfied with her handiwork, she gives him a sweet smile. "Now remember the codes; blink twice if you have to go to the bathroom, okay?" Aida responds with a sad, muffled grunt. "Wonderful!"
"Damn Rep, you move quick," Touji says with a whistle.
"I've been practicing. A Class Rep's work is never done, after all." Not when ensuring the safety of humanity's last hope is a part of the job description.
"Was this class always so crazy?" Mana asks.
"We had hit a baseline level of strangeness," Ayanami replies, transfixed on a particularly fluffy cloud. "The addition of Pilot Illustrious and yourself have changed the dynamics of the classroom." A hair springs up on her head. "If this is too much for you, be thankful Little Sister was not allowed to come to school today."
An explosion rings out within the bowels of NERV. Amongst the smoke and rubble, Liao Rei sniffles.
~!~!~!
Curled up in a nice recliner, with a glass of orange beverage in one hand and a big hunk of Angel Food cake in the other, Kaworu watches the school dramedy with blank intent.
"So, how's the slice of life going?" A voice like a chorus of V-12 engines roars.
"Pretty well Zeruel, pretty Me-damned well."
"Can I kick their asses now?"
"No," he says flatly. "Our aim is to capture, not kill."
"That's your aim, because you're a pansy," Zeruel trills. "You know Sahaquiel left a few days ago, right?"
A blazing right eye cracks open. "What?"
"Said he was going to be a stunt planet in another production. Something about getting thrown at a giant space flea from nowhere."
"Oh son of an Ayanami!" Kaworu puts his head in his hands, a few sad sparkles falling like bitch tears. "Alright, send the other S one. Shamisen."
"Its name is Shamshel, boss," Iruel says, "You know, the bug with tentacles."
"Of course," Kaworu yells, slamming a fist into his palm. A sparkle bounces jauntily from his scalp. "Send it after the female pilots! We'll have Sachiel attack the compound; keep NERV distracted while Shamshel gets Urutsudoki on their asses!" He leaps out of his chair, pumping his fist in triumph. "This plan is perfect!"
"Uh, sure thing boss," Iruel says. If it had a face right now, it would be facepalming. "The Children are going on a field trip to Kyoto tomorrow, we can strike then."
"Perfect! I'm so devious," Kaworu says to himself, thoroughly enthused. He flounces around, striking poses and muttering about genius. In the background, Zeruel and Iruel trade disapproving looks.
"Hey Eleven," Zeruel whispers, the sound like an SUV running over gravel.
"Yeah Big Z?"
"I got next?"
"Sure, what the hell."
"Excellent." Iruel puts up the outline of a fist on a smaller display, with which Zeruel bumps a fistlike appendage. A chill wind passes through NERV headquarters as deep underwater, a familiar birdlike face cracks to life. Dim yellow eyes light up, gazing at the surface. He'd have a partner this time, that's never happened before.
Tomorrow was going to be the best day ever.
{to be continued}