At [REDACTED] High School, stories are told about one girl, one unassuming little pigtailed girl. They say how she was trained by Blackwater, how she made a deal with the devil and feasts on the souls of the wicked, how her father developed a method to kill people with moe manga. Two of those three are bullshit, finding the true one is an exercise to the reader. There's a phrase known amongst the children of Class 2-A, one that is repeated in whispers within school grounds. A phrase that really should have been told to a certain British Evangelion Pilot, before she ended up in the position she was currently in.
"Repeat after me: Don't. Fuck. With. Class. Rep." The girl on the ground grumbles, it's hard to talk with a foot in your ass and your panties in your mouth.
"I'm sorry Miss Illustrious, I can't understand you." Hikari says cheerily, leaning over with a hand cupping her ear. "It seems we must work on your diction as well as your manners." She walks over and crouches down in front of her, still smiling. "Now, you're not going to bite me if I take the gag out, right?" Mari nods affirmative. "Great." Hikari works the makeshift gag out of her mouth, shakes out some of the saliva.
"Thank you ma'am, may I have another?" Mari says, in between gagging breaths and spitting of various fluids.
"No, no you cannot," Hikari replies, putting a hand on her hip. "Discipline is not supposed to be something people want to receive."
"But I've been baaad," Mari pleads, rubbing against the Class Rep's leg. She gets kicked away for her troubles.
"Ugh, show some class," says Hikari as she tosses the strange girl her underwear. Usually when someone is shown up in front of the class like that, they don't become so affectionate. According to the dossier her father gave her (standard procedure for a Class Rep of giant robot pilots), the Illustrious girl had some issues with arousal attribution. It was helpful as a fighter, but awkward to see in action; having such a violent looking girl blushing and making kissy faces confused and disgusted her.
"Oh man, you just can't top Class Rep," a member of the peanut gallery whispers to a friend. It was almost a blur how Horaki did it; one moment the new girl was up in her face, the next she was arse over tit with her panties in her mouth and her cool cachet shattered. The shivering and moaning bit just made her weirder. Horaki stayed unflappable through the whole endeavor, a regular space battleship Yamato Nadeshiko.
"Yeah, I heard she defeated 108 other Class Reps to become the head Rep of Japan!"
"Dude, that's the Banchou organization, Class Reps are chosen by popularity contest."
The general chatter is rendered silent by a clearing of the throat. Hikari smiles to the crowd, all eyes on her. "Alright fellow students, I believe our new classmate got off on the wrong foot." She glances down at Mari, now blushing for a non-perverted reason. "I hope you can still receive her with open arms though!" The look on her face says girl-next-door, but the tone of her voice says obey-or-die.
Shakily, Mari stands back up; still a little Spaghetti legged from the ruckus. She wipes the mess off of her clothing and crosses her legs. A hot blush forces her cheeks into a nervous smile; kill-crazy bitch she may be, she is still a teenage girl.
"Eheh, sorry about that," Mari says, rubbing the back of her head. "I'm not used to dealing with things I don't want to bone, kill, or both. Like I said before, my name is Mari Makinari Illustrious. " She gives a little curtsy, "Pleased to meet you." The butterflies in her stomach start to fly away; how long has it been since she's had to be square? "Although, if you want, you can still call me Miss Motherfucking," she says with a small, yet fierce grin.
"That's probably as good as we're going to get," Hikari sighs. "Now apologize for trying to turn the class into an eroge."
"Sorry," Mari says, looking pensive for a moment, "old habits die hard." A few members of the student body pause at the implications of that statement, one Shinji Ikari included. A new wave of whispers gathers steam before getting cut back down to size by another throat clearing.
"Now, what have we learned today, Miss Illustrious?"
Mari bows her head slightly, gives Hikari a coy look. "Don't fuck with Class Rep."
Track 12: D is for Dangerous
"Aw what the hell Hikari," Asuka yells, pushing her way to the front of the crowd. "She's getting off way too easy!"
"That's the point Asuka, she gets off too easy," Hikari responds, noting the turn of phrase. "If I fought her full out, she'd ruin her clothing. It'd be indecent." She'd also probably enjoy it, which defeats the point.
"I'll have you know that when I put my mind to it, I'm a bloody marathon woman," Mari adds, bubbling emotion being smothered by a healthy fear.
"That's what I mean, everything's sex and violence with her," Hikari harrumphs, herding the rest of the class back into order. Asuka runs up to flank her, with Mari falling lockstep behind the two. "If I got violent, I'd only be feeding the beast. So I embarrassed her; no girl wants to lose face on their first day." She shrugs; the logic obvious to her. "Strike quickly, strike decisively, strike for the heart."
"Ooh, talk strategy to me more," Mari swoons.
"You see Sohryu," Hikari says, eyes closed, still chipper. "The easiest way to tame a wild beast," the air shifts, her aura turning malicious. She squints, her girlish face hard as iron, "is to show you're more dangerous than it." Both foreign Eva pilots shudder, but for completely different reasons.
"I'm surprised Ikari never chose you to be one of the Children," Asuka says with a slanted look. "You two have a lot in common."
"Why, an Evangelion pilot? Like the Supreme Commander? Little old me?" Hikari says sweetly, the picture of saccharine cuteness. "Now what would make you think of me doing things like that?" A safe distance away, her male counterparts looked on with rapt attention.
"Class Rep," gulped Touji.
"Sohryu," drooled Kensuke, glasses fogging.
"And Illustrious," Shinji gasped.
"Together," they said in unison.
"I do not wish to cheapen the power of it, but I feel I must swear," Rei says seriously. "All of you, and quite possibly the entire school, are right proper fucked."
~!~!~!
As the three girls congregated, the other children formed into their own separate cliques. Mana, however, ended completely detached from the general class makeup. She wasn't the most popular girl before, but it seemed as if the entire class had forgotten she existed. Knowing the JSSDF, they probably wiped her information from the school. Maybe she should change her name; Mahoro kept coming up and she kept smacking it back down. Damn that Aida and his GAINAX references.
"Um, Kirishima, you said your name was?" She turns around, snapped out of her daze. Standing in front of her were two girls that look like they were cut from the same cloth, or at least the same character model. Short, chubby cheeks, long hair; they were both the picture of total fangirls. Her kind of people. One of them wore glasses, thick ones; the other had dyed blue streaks into her hair.
"Yeah, that's my name," Mana says, stuttering. Finally, someone was paying attention to her.
"Hey, we used to hang out together; but it was in 2-F," the blue-streak girl says. "That's why nobody really knows who you were."
"Oh." How long was she under the knife? She brushes the scattered thoughts of those times away.
"Do you remember us?" the girl with glasses says quietly. "We used to be a circle: Beauty Mark Drei." Mana notices the small mole on the girl's cheek, and the matching one on the blue-streak girl. She touches her own face, rubs her mole, and she remembers.
"Oh my god, it's you two," Mana squees. "Izumi! Tamura! I'm so glad to see you again!" She hugs the both of them, taking care not to apply too much pressure. They dance around; you can almost see the hearts flying from their little love fest.
"So, what's it like being a robot girl?" Tamura, the bespectacled one asks.
"Do they really put the off switch down there?" inquires Izumi, cleft lip giving her grin a catlike quality.
"Kind of cool, actually," says Mana, "and no, Izumi, there is no off switch down there." Izumi lets out a disappointed groan.
"Can you at least launch oppai missiles? Or a rocket punch?"
"No to the first one and yes to the second, but it really hurts."
"Do you get to pilot one of the Evas?"
"Classified information." Izumi looks up at Mana, eyes sparkling with tears. She stands on her tiptoes, silently pleading for more intel. Tamura grabs her by the ahoge and pulls her back down to Earth.
"If she says it's classified, it's classified," Tamura says sternly. "Don't be an Aida."
Izumi pouts with mock horror. "Comparing me to Aida? Have you no heart woman?"
"Trying to grill secret information out of a friend you just saw again," Tamura chides, "have you no shame?" Mana watches the two girls go at it, smiling. It's as if nothing ever changed. It felt nice. If it were any other day, any other series, she would go off with them to have meaningless conversations. They'd talk about chocolate coronets and other such things; nice, fluffy things.
But this is Evangelion, we can't have nice things.
Case in point: Shamshel.
"Everyone, get to the shelters," Miss Tanizaki screams through a megaphone. "Except for the Eva pilots, we're going to sacrifice them to our new Angelic overlords!"
~!~!~!
On the main screen in the NERV war room, two familiar faces appeared in two different locations. For once, Gendo was in his seat atop the command tower, instead of drinking and muttering in Central Dogma. Hands at his side, slack-jawed, he stares at the imagery on the screen. Down below, the bridge bunnies were running through the motions; checking the MAGELING unarmed drone feeds, giving information to the impotent military on how not to die horribly. Everything was running smoothly, but that did nothing to assuage the Supreme Commander.
"Fuyutsuki," he asks, calmly. "What exactly am I looking at?"
"It seems as though there are two Angels this time, sir," the professor replies, rocking back on his heels.
"Maybe I misspoke," Gendo says, a little more gruffly. "Let me rephrase: what the fuck is this bullshit?"
"Not according to the scenario, sir?"
"To put it bluntly, no," he says, placing his forehead on his tented hands. "This is not at all according to the scenario." A volley of missiles impacting on the soap bubble of improbability that was Sachiel's AT-Field fills the awkward silence. Amongst the computers, Maya Ibuki moves through data like a hot knife through butter. Keeping after Ritsuko-sempai has made her cooler under pressure; once you're made to dance the School Swimsuit Cocks Dance for three gestalt personalities, not much else can faze you.
"We've got status report; the Third Angel is heading for NERV headquarters, as usual. However, the Fourth Angel is going to Kyoto."
"Maybe Shamshel is a Haruhi fan?" Makoto Hyuuga jokes to silence.
"Why the hell would it go to Kyoto?" Gendo grumbles.
"Ikari, your son is in Kyoto-2," Fuyutsuki reminds him. "As are the First, Second, and Fourth Children. And our liaison to the JSSDF."
Gendo's glasses slide off of his face slightly. He sags, staring up at Fuyutsuki's placid pose. "You were going to inform me of this when, professor?"
"I already did, three days ago. You signed the permission slips yourself." The Supreme Commander grumbles more, beats his head softly against the matte black desk.
"Katsuragi," Gendo groans, voice barely above a hoarse whisper. "Please tell me you have an idiotic plan for this."
"Quite idiotic, Commander," Misato replies via video with a salute. "You see, I had a feeling something like this would happen, so I decided to get our good friends at the JSSDF to loan us some VTOLs. Then, I thought that wasn't awesome enough, so I pulled rank on Ritzy and she let me use the new Dummy Plugs in units 00, 01, and 02!"
"Aren't I supposed to be the final authority on launching the Evangelions?"
Misato chuckles, "You gave me the jurisdiction to launch the Evas if you were ever indisposed. After last night, you were kind of indisposed." So that's why he has a splitting headache and is wearing a Totoro costume.
"What about Sachiel?" A single bass note rings out as if on cue. A pink and blue blur streaks across the screen, bouncing off of AT-Field like a rubber ball with an ahoge.
"When she heard the Angel alarm, we couldn't keep her in the cages," Maya says, not looking away from her monitor. "We literally could not."
"The EVA restraint systems are also primed and ready sir," Misato adds, "so all we have to do is let EVA-07 do her thing and lead Sachiel to the secondary cages."
"That's surprisingly astute of you," Gendo says, perking up somewhat.
"Of course sir," Misato says proudly. "You didn't hire me just because of my tits after all. At least, I'd like to think so." That draws a wan smirk from the old man and his lackey. He pushes his glasses back onto his face, the light catching them just right.
"Very well. Commence the operation!"
Misato reclines in the back of her jet, ready to go. "Commander Ikari, that's my line."
~!~!~!
Evangelion Unit 07 nee Liao Rei had a good five minutes of going all out before she ran out of energy. If she showed some restraint, she could stretch it to an hour. Mama Ritzy had told her to take her time out there, man the turrets NERV installed in several dummy buildings. That worked, for about thirty seconds. Then she saw an N2 mine fly, and got the bright idea of riding it like a pony. As it flies, she pulls a cowboy hat and her trusty bass out of a hole in her forehead. Sachiel sees it coming and shoots it down; she leaps to another missile in the volley. They play this game for a few moments; Liao hopscotching against explosions through well timed applications of AT-Field. With a flying leap, she catches a mine that slipped through the Third Angel's view and rides it.
As the mine detonates, she slams the bass into the Angel's field, clutching onto her hat through the blast. It's strong, but the hammering blows allow her just enough purchase to slip through with her own Anti-AT Field. She rolls through the cracks and lands in a tumble, clutching at her headpiece.
"Liao, we need you to lead the Third into Sector 10 for us," Maya says into the microphone. "It's 600 meters to your left."
Liao nods, "Roger that, Miss Ibuki!" She runs up a building, dodging some errant explosions. With a flip, she bounds onto Sachiel's hand in mid swing. "Hey Mister Angel!" she says, waving. It looks at her with that quizzically tilted head of his. His hand is talking to him, that's never happened before. She turns around and waggles her ass tauntingly. "Chase me!"
Sachiel doesn't know why his hand wants to be chased, but he might as well oblige. He begins to lumber away, hand outstretched. Missiles and mortar rain down upon him, but they're about as irritating as a light drizzle. All is his hand, his magical, talking, glowing hand.
"Well, that was unexpected," Fuyutsuki muses. He was one of the first ones; Adam must have forgotten to give him brains.
Gendo pinches at his sinuses. "The first enemy of man is a giant retarded child, and it has been outwitted by a smaller child." He exhales, squeezing his eyes shut, "I should have just trained the boy."
"I could have told you that Ikari. A trained soldier is a healthy soldier, and a healthy soldier is a loyal soldier," Fuyutsuki coughs. "It also would have kept Yui from eating you at the end." Gendo shakes his head, groaning, and then rests it on the desk. Fuyutsuki looks out at the scene in front of him and he can't help but crack a smile.
Sachiel lumbers through town, crashing and smashing through everything in his path. His hand is still glowing and waggling things at him, giggling and making merry music. It's fascinating; he wonders how come his hand never did this before. Maybe it was something the Lilim did; if so it was pretty nice of them. If it weren't for the urge to become complete again, he would be content just watching as his hand does this forever.
"Sorry I've gotta stop shaking my moneymaker but," Liao says, kicking off of the Third's hand, "gotcha Mister Angel!" She floats over the Angel's head, strumming her bass as she goes. "This song's dedicated to a special Adamite in the audience. It's called 'Fire All the Restraints'!" She pops a note on her bass with a whoop as building facades slide off. Sachiel is surrounded on all sides, restraint pods slipped under the minimum range of his AT-Field. He is vaguely aware that he has walked into a trap, but is transfixed by the fact that his hand is flying now.
"A one, two, three, four!"
Cold steel projectiles provide thunderous percussion at Liao's call, wires snaking around the Angel strong as spider's silk. The wires hook around every nook and cranny, as Sachiel cuts one down, three more take its place. Retrofitted APCs fire Bakelite at exposed joints and flat feet, holding the Angel fast. He struggles lamely, the weight of thousands of cords running it further and further into exhaustion. It may be a city-crushing titan, but it still has limits. With one last gasp, it shoots a dizzy laser into the sky; collapsing backwards in a heap. As it falls, Liao finishes her tune; jamming the last note in time with the crash. The cross-shaped blast provides her with a light show to die for. She flashes a cheesy smile and gives a thumbs-up towards the horizon.
"Was that cool enough Miss Misato?"
~!~!~!
"Shit yeah!" Misato yells, grasping her monitor, "That's what I'm talking about!" The pilot of her aircraft looks at her funny.
"Target is in range Major."
"Oh. Wonderful," she says, grabbing her headpiece which in no way looks like a Dragonball Z scouter. "Are you ready girls?" Her monitor switches to a multi-window view of the vitals of each Eva unit.
"Is that a trick question Katsuragi?" a voice purrs like a Panzer tank. A twenty-something girl wearing very little clothing comes onto the screen; golden eyes glowing. She cracks her neck, makes her long, candy apple red ponytail wag. "I was made ready."
"You're too enthusiastic Shiki," a young Reiclone in a red dress responds, popsicle dangling out of her mouth. "I'd rather be sleeping."
"Megumi, you don't need to sleep. You're an AI," a tanned girl who looks for all the world like a genderflipped Shinji corrects. "And you were just made; it's no good to be so lazy already."
"I'm one of the Ree," Megumi sniffs, "I've lived more times than the both of you combined. I should get to be lazy."
"I'll take that as a yes," Misato says, sending a relay to the VTOL wing. "Remember girls, drop and roll! Launch the Evangelions!"
Above the skies of Kyoto-2, three unmanned mecha fall like leaves in the wind. Large, destructive, screaming leaves.
~!~!~!
When Miss Tanizaki said she was going to sacrifice someone, she did it right. It was such a rare occurrence for her, so she relished every second of it. The students were pretty eager to go along; have them look danger in the face and it's not long before they take the conch and kill Piggy. Mob mentality is the best mentality, she thinks, putting the finishing touches on a knot. With a cheery wave goodbye, she leads the rest of the class into a shelter; the Children of Evangelion hoist by their own Judeo-Christian petards.
"Of all the ways to die, I think this is a new one," Shinji says, trussed up to a makeshift crucifix.
"You'd be surprised," Rei says similarly tied, staring blankly at Shamshel. "Superstition runs high in some forms of the post Second Impact world. Being an albino with blue hair and unnerving countenance is a good enough reason to get burned at the stake." She mutters under her breath, "Thank Great Mother for AT-Fields."
"Huh. Never been tied up before," Mari muses, surprised. "Well, if I'm gonna die, might as well go out with a bang."
"This is the worst!" Asuka screams, kicking and gnashing at her bindings. "Hikari, bust us out of here!"
"Sorry Sohryu, mob rule," Hikari says, shrugging, "can't be helped. I'll pray for you!"
"We don't need prayer, we need freedom!" Asuka's screams are cut short by the approach of Shamshel, or more accurately, the tentacles of Shamshel. She freezes; tentacles are not one of her favorite things. A few cameraphones go off in unison; damned Japanese and their tentacles. If she made it out of this alive, Doctor Asuka was going to be giving out free chiropractic treatment to some perverts. The tendrils of the Fourth Angel pass over her, making her twitch. They don't go anywhere untoward however, instead opting to snatch her up by the cross. She goes up screaming girlishly.
"The great ero-Angel has made his decision!" Tanizaki cries, arms wide in zealous fervor. "All glory to the ero-Angel!"
"How the hell did she get to be a teacher?" Shinji groans. "You'd think Section 2 would have put a bullet through her skull for this."
"She amuses Supreme Commander Ikari," Rei says, held aloft upside down. "He respects those who can outdrink him." Even as she is pulled higher into the air, her expression doesn't change. She looks around sleepily. "Oh. It appears as if I've been captured. I believe there are proper lines for this scenario." She coughs into her hand, and proceeds to speak as if reading off a teleprompter. "Kya. Don't open me there. Rei-chan is…being filled up."
"Yes, yes!" Tanizaki proclaims, "This is delicious! Eat and grow fat with the tasty angst of the Eva pilots!"
"Hey, wait a minute. Why am I here? I'm a boy!"
"Shinji, how inconsiderate," Hikari chastises, eating her lunch while her friends get snatched up by an Angel. "He could be an Angel with an alternative lifestyle, like Nagisa." Somewhere on the dark side of the moon, Zeruel is rendered blind by a spray of sparkles. "We should respect all life choices, even if they're made by aliens from beyond the stars."
"Even if they're trying to kill us?" he screams, tentacles hovering over him. They pause for a moment, and then fly towards Mari, hoisting her into the air. "Oh come on, why am I always picked last?"
"I thought you didn't want to be here," Hikari says, daintily sipping tea.
"Well, I don't," Shinji says abashedly, "it's just, being least popular hurts."
"At least you'll be the last to be defiled."
"This is true." Both Hikari and Shinji spend a moment contemplating. For a moment, there is utter calm.
And then Evangelion Unit 02 Goomba stomps Shamshel's face in. Internal speakers turn on as Unit 02 stands proud on top of the fallen Angel.
~!~!~!
"Kyoko Shikinami, making an appearance," the Dummy Plugged 02 boasts. With a quick snap of its wrist, it cuts through a tentacle; freeing Asuka from Shamshel's clutches. She plummets to the ground, only to be caught by the mobile Unit 00.
"You have to excuse Gertrude, she's a bit of an attention whore," the surrogate prototype says. "You should know that, she is based off of you after all." It gently places Asuka on the ground, and then proceeds to free the other two pilots with a Prog Knife of its own. Unit 01's AT-Field keeps the crowd safe as Units 02 and 00 wrestle with Shamshel. As this happens, the lead VTOL makes its descent, Misato standing proudly in the doorway.
"Hey kids, how's the field trip going?"
"It's going freaking amazing!" Miss Tanizaki says, waving her arms like a bird. "But you ruined the sacrifice! Now we're all doomed!"
"Tanizaki, what did I say about drinking during work?" Misato says, greeting her old college buddy with a cheeky look.
"Only do it when the little bastards aren't looking," she replies with a clenched fist.
Shinji crawls over to Misato, the crucifix having fallen over in the fracas. "Oh god this woman is insane get me out of here and into the Eva please help!"
"You say that like we aren't all insane," Misato chimes, cutting her ward free with a combat knife. "Gonna have to borrow the kids Tanizaki, you know, saving the world and all that jazz."
"Yeah, yeah, make the English major feel bad," Tanizaki says, shooing Misato away. "Kick it in the balls for me kid," Tanizaki cheers, "do that and I'll give you extra credit!"
Misato flips open a communication device, sure that Shinji is secure. "Iron Maiden this is Ghost in the Shell, do you copy?"
"This is Iron Maiden, coming in loud and clear," Mana says. "I'm in the shelter, civvies are secure." A cry of 'so cool' screeches through her transmission; she shushes her friends, embarrassed.
"Roger that Iron Maiden, we're sending the Fourth too," Misato says, striding over to the gussied up Children. Without missing a beat, she cuts Rei, Asuka, and Mari loose. Giving them a once-over to ensure their safety, she gets back on the line. "We'll pick you up when this is done."
"Understood Ghost, over and out." Mana flips closed her communicator and basks in the admiration of her peers. They must not have been able to fix up Unit 04 in time, she thinks. Good thing too, she didn't want to hear Mari's porny noises over the speaker system the Evangelions seemed to have gained.
"Wonderful. Now, I'm sure you guys have had a rough day, so if you don't want to fight we can have the Dummy Plugs do it."
Asuka shakes her head no. "Uh-uh. This bastard put his dirty tentacles on me." Her eyes gleam murderously, head hanging limp. "I want to make him suffer."
"I would like to see how the Me Who Is One Quarter Me responds to combat situations," Rei says.
"Can I pilot Unit 01?" Mari asks, perking up.
"After what you did to Unit 04, 05, and 02 those last couple of times?" Misato scoffs. "That's like asking Commander Ikari if you can beat up his wife. Actually, it is asking Commander Ikari if you can beat up his wife." She crosses her arms in motherly implacability. "No dice. You're meeting up with Mana back at the shelter."
"Aw man, I just stay losing today," Mari grumbles as she walks to the shelter, dejectedly kicking at a rock.
"Shinji, you down to pilot?" He nods assent. "Cool. Megumi, AT-Field full power. Gertrude, Noriko, fall back; your children have arrived."
~!~!~!
"I can do this myself," Unit 02 snaps, sliding to 00's back. "Orders are orders though, so whatever." She crouches down to an accessible position and pops open the neck hatch. The Entry Plug ejects, Plug Suit deploying like an airbag. "Don't get me wrong though, I'm not doing this because I like you or anything." Asuka boards her unit in a daze; nothing about this can be real. Out of habit, she changes into her suit, still trying to process what the hell is going on. How is 02 piloting itself? And why is it so tsuntsun?
"Okay, Misato, somebody, explain this madness," she says, adjusting her A10 clips.
"What are you, stupid?" Gertrude snaps, "I'm the Dummy Plug system for Evangelion Unit 02. I can run the Eva all by myself, but since I have to listen to stupid Major Katsuragi, I guess I'll let you pilot too."
Asuka facepalms, is this how normal people saw her? "First things first, if we're going to work together, you're going to have to fucking stop the Rie Kugumiya thing." She runs diagnostics, the Entry Plug retracting back into the Eva's spine. "If you say 'shut up shut up shut up', I'll find a Lance of Longinus and run the both of us through."
"Y-you can't talk to me like that," the Second Made whines. Any further complaints are rendered silent by a convenient switch to auxiliary sound.
"Akagi did this, didn't she?" says Asuka, head held low. "That bitch is getting hers one of these days." She opens a channel to Misato's communicator. "Asuka Sohryu Langley, ready to launch."
Shinji's Entry Plug experience was much more sedate. Unit 01 bows to him in the classic Japanese manner, plug extended with no hassle. His Plug Suit was neatly folded in the chair, and there was a blue ribbon tied around the seat. Confused but not really shocked, he saddles up; not bothering to put on the suit. He acknowledges the spirit watching over him with a nod.
"Thanks Mom."
The Dummy Plug system for Unit 01 squeals. "Wait, I'm not your mom! I'm kind of based off her, but I'm more of a female you." If it were possible for a disembodied voice to wave their hands no, this one would be doing it.
"That's not creepily Freudian at all," Shinji says with a small chuckle. "There were enough times I was a girl in other cycles, so it wouldn't surprise me if an AI routine made the switch too." He smiles, grabbing at the blue ribbon. "Is this for me?"
"Y-yeah," the voice of 01 stammers. "It's a good luck charm."
"Aw, thanks," says Shinji, genuinely touched. It should worry him that the most touching female relationships he has are with a 60 meter tall giant robot version of his mother, but he'll take what he can get. "I'm sorry; I didn't get your name."
"It's Noriko. Noriko Akatsuki," the voice says softly. "I hope I don't disappoint you, Ikari-kun."
"Don't worry, you won't," he says. If it were possible for ones and zeroes to blush, they would be incandescent right now. "Shinji Ikari, ready to launch."
"Awesome, now let's get this show on the road so we can get to Zeruel," Megumi says, the only one with the presence of mind to manifest a body. Granted, she is a Ree, so it comes naturally to her.
"You mean Sachiel," Misato says over the communication channel, "right?"
"Huh? Oh yeah, that one," Megumi says, making a mental note to not look past the fourth wall in front of people. "Can we get on with this?"
"Of course, go cut loose," says Misato with a dramatic wave of her hand. "Begin operation!"
~!~!~!
Megumi's eyebrows perk up at the phrase 'cut loose', a sickly-sweet smile crawls across her face. She pushes forwards with her AT-Field, bulldozing the flat-footed Shamshel through the streets. Snapped to action by the forward movement, Shinji and Asuka spring into automatic motion; Prog Knives readied in unison. Shamshel gets its field up; sumo wrestling Unit 00 with the light of its soul. This is what the two wanted, as they fan out past 00's field, knives ready. 00 pulls its field back a fraction; sloppier than Rei would have done but good enough to make an opening. In a move they've practiced countless times, Shinji goes high and Asuka goes low, raking slashes across Shamshel's flesh. They spin outwards, deflecting tentacles meant for the other. With a sprinter's bound, they take the back of Shamshel and thrust for the kidneys. The blows ring true, causing Shamshel to writhe in pain.
Remembering vague snippets of a past life, Megumi flexes her hand, excitement in her eyes. She brings Unit 00's hand straight through the abdomen of Shamshel, drawing blood and ichor. It splashes on Unit 00, which draws a giggle from her.
"This is kinda fun," she says, licking her lips. "But not fun enough to want to keep doing. Hey lovebirds, put this thing out of its misery."
"Lovebirds?" Shinji and Asuka blurt, practically spit taking without drinking liquid.
Shamshel takes advantage of this lull in the action to disengage from Unit 00. It was so great when the Lilim did all the work for you; he wished that someone had given the purple one an overcompensatingly large minigun again.
"Hey!" Megumi pouts, stamping a tiny foot against the seat. "No fair running away!"
Shamshel giggles on the inside, pushing his AT-Field into a blinding burst of speed. It bowls over Unit 00, drawing a cute squeal from Megumi. He focuses his attack on the red unit; it has the girl who doesn't like tentacles. Unfortunately, the tentacles most definitely like her.
The angles and speed of the tentacles puts Asuka on the back foot; she swings behind a building and draws an EVA-sized holdout from 02's hip. She side fires to buy some time as Shinji pulls out the Magoroku, aiming to end the fight in one quick draw. It clashes against AT-Field, Megumi too far out of range to effectively neutralize. Asuka feints back, then rolls under into Shamshel's guard, unleashing a clip of ammunition to its center mass. If she's lucky, she'll hit the core; if not, she's gotten its attention. The better for Shinji and the new doll to get a good shot in.
"I'm going to make you pay for being a pervert," she snarls. Shamshel laughs, but to Lilim ears it sounds like a sort of warble. It was cute when they got cocky. Asuka spits, she didn't get lucky. Oh well, better to be good than lucky she thinks as she bumrushes the Angel. It snakes tentacles at her, but she angles her AT-Field slanted back, so they roll off over the top. Unit 02 gutchecks the Fourth Angel, sending it spiraling into a diagonal cut from Unit 01. It tries to get its AT-Field back up to a wider spread, but Asuka scouts it and begins neutralization.
"Hey Asuka, you want this one?" Shinji asks, 01 and Magoroku at the ready.
"What are you, stupid," she says with a cheerful giggle, "of course I do. Gimme that sword." Unit 01 tosses the chainsaw katana to Unit 02's waiting grasp. "Baby doll, hold the Angel down," she says to Megumi.
"Baby doll?" Megumi asks, patting down Unit 00. "Oh right, childlike AI version of Ayanami." She walks over, AT-Field in full suppression mode. With a force of will, she smashes Shamshel into a building, pinning it between steel and soul like a butterfly under glass. "Save some for me please."
Asuka cracks a downright demonic smile. "I promise nothing." Shamshel hisses and flails, it's not fair that she got backup. Where was Sachiel, he needed dumb muscle to take hate and tank. "Hey Shinji, you in the mood for calamari?" Did that sword just rev? Shamshel heard that sword rev. This wasn't going to be pretty at all.
"Uh Noriko, you might want to close your eyes for this one. Asuka gets a little, overenthusiastic at times," says Shinji in a wavering voice. A popup that denotes Dummy Plug recording turned off shows up on Unit 01's screen. "How I wish I could do that with my brain."
In the interest of saving what little scraps of psyches the average Evangelion fanfiction reader has, there will not be a vivid description of Asuka slowly cutting through Shamshel's limbs, waiting for them to grow back, then cutting them again. We will not speak of Asuka making meat ribbons of the Fourth Angel, nor shall we speak of her practicing decapitations and vivisections. We will, however, confirm that she made calamari of Shamshel, and Shinji got his extra credit. Finally, we will confirm that when she finally put the Fourth Angel out of its misery, the crowd rejoiced.
{to be continued}