A/N: It has been a while. And I have no excuse. But, I do have a bunch of cute lil' one-shots in the works. I am thinking you will enjoy their St Berry goodness. Anyway, hopefully this one speaks for itself :)
Mommy Dearest
Stopped at a red light, the sounds of Next to Normal playing from the car stereo, Rachel cannot help but think that she has truly become a glutton for punishment. Not only has she allowed Jesse St James back into her life, but she is driving with him to visit her mother, all while listening to a musical that never fails to either make her cry or fall into a general dour mood spiked with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
She really was a glutton for punishment.
"Are you okay?" Jesse asks after a moment, hitting the gas when the light switches to green. She nods her head, not trusting her voice. "You are alarmingly quiet."
"I'm fine," she squeaks.
"We don't have to do this, you know. I can turn this car around and-"
"I want this," Rachel interrupts, her voice only marginally stronger. In her mind, however, her voice is strong. She is entirely in control and she envisions herself marching up to the door and finally having that mother-daughter reunion that has haunted her dreams since Shelby left her at that piano.
"Visions of grandeur?" Jesse guesses, giving her a sympathetic grin. She looks away, feeling embarrassment burn on her cheeks. She doesn't want his sympathy or his knowing glances.
"I'll be with you the entire time," he tells her gently. "If you want to leave at any point you just tell me."
"Did you see her?" Rachel asks after a moment. "Last time you were here. Did you-"
"Yes, I saw Beth."
Rachel nods silently, staring down at her penny loafers. She thinks that they really were not appropriate foot attire for such an occasion and wishes suddenly that she had flats or something in her purse-not that she was ever taken to carry shoes in her purse-but in this moment it would have proven useful.
"Think she'll be there?" she asks softly.
"I imagine," Jesse answers. "Just so you know, I didn't tell her you were coming."
"You didn't?"
"I figured it would be better. I don't think she would have tried to get out of it, but…"
"You never know," Rachel finishes.
"So, Beth will probably be there." He turns the corner and slows down. They come to a stop and Rachel glances at the house beside her. It looks like one of those houses from Edward Scissorhands, suburban and cookie cutter. She didn't notice Jesse get out of the car until he is beside her door, pulling it open and offering her his hand.
"Aren't you charming," she quips, already hearing her voice quiver.
"I've learned a few things at UCLA."
She gives him a look and says, "You were always charming, Jesse. There was just a surprising dose of douche-bagginess under your charm before."
"That I can't argue."
They move toward the door and Rachel is so nervous that she swears her heart is as loud as a drum beat. She glances at Jesse and wonders if he can hear it, because in her ears it is like her iPod cranked up to its loudest decibel. He seems oblivious, though, his eyes trained on the door. He glances down at her and murmurs, "Ready?"
She nods, all business, and he knocks on the door. No one answers for a moment and Rachel is almost afraid that they have stopped by while Shelby was out on an errand or something. Just as she is about to turn in disappointment she hears someone shout from inside, "I'm coming!"
She feels frozen with fear, the moments until she sees her mother's face counting down at what feels like an agonizingly slow pace, and she grabs onto Jesse's hand without meaning to. It was just there, she hadn't meant to, and she almost worries he will take it the wrong way, but then he squeezes her hand gently and tells her, "I'm here."
Those two words give her enough confidence to drop his hand and face the door fully when it swings open and reveals Shelby Corcoran. Mother and daughter stand silent, while Jesse looks between them with his mouth dropped into a soft oh. They really do look alike.
"Mind if we come in?" Jesse asks, realizing relatively quickly that speaking is beyond Rachel at this point.
"Yeah, of course," Shelby says, snapping out of whatever reverie seeing Rachel had put her in. She steps to the side and Jesse presses a hand to Rachel's lower back for an instant to tell her to go in first. She doesn't even glance at him when she passes, almost in a trance as she walks into her mother's home for the first time.
There were many nights when Rachel would imagine what her mother's home looked like. She imagined the two of them there, sharing stories over coffee or tea. She didn't know what her mother drank, but pegged her as more of a coffee drinker. She had to have gotten her addiction from somewhere, after all, and neither of her dads touched the stuff.
"You want anything to drink?" Shelby asks, her hostess instincts kicking in. "I just brewed some coffee, so…"
"Coffee, yeah," Rachel says, nodding. Shelby goes to the kitchen to grab the coffee and Rachel takes the moment to look around the room unabashedly. She walks over to the fireplace which has a line of pictures on the mantle piece. There are ones of Shelby with her family, ones of her and Beth. One photo stops Rachel, it is of Shelby when she was a young girl and looking at it, Rachel swears she is seeing a picture from her own childhood. A hand falls on her shoulder and she looks back at Jesse.
"Remember, if you want to leave just give me a nudge."
"I will."
"We can have a code word. Barbra."
Rachel smiles softly. "Sure, Barbra it is. I'm fine, though."
Jesse gives her a knowing look and says, "Of course you are."
Shelby walks back into the room and they wander over to the couch. Rachel perches on the edge of the couch, nodding a quiet thanks when Shelby puts the cup on the table in front of her.
"So, how have you been?" Shelby asks, taking the seat opposite her. "You look well."
"I am…well."
"I didn't know you were coming. I would have prepared some food or something. Or at least have worn actual clothes." She gestures to her lounge wear with a brittle laugh.
"You look fine," Rachel says, thinking that Shelby looked even more beautiful dressed down. "So, um, how is Beth?"
"Beth is good." The first genuine, relaxed grin graces Shelby's face. "She's growing up so fast! She just started to walk and is just wobbling around everywhere. And wobbling into walls, that's a real problem actually."
Jesse glances over at Rachel as Shelby goes on about Beth. He can see the strain in Rachel's smile as she nods along with her mother and makes the appropriate comments. He had known this would happen. Shelby was a new mother, it was only natural, but he can see the toll it is taking on Rachel. Just as he is about to interrupt, try to change the course of conversation, Shelby notices the stage grin on Rachel's face and says, "But you've heard enough about Beth. Tell me about New Directions. Has Schuester run out of Journey songs yet?"
A genuine laugh escapes Rachel's mouth and she says, "We've moved on to Abba."
Shelby winces. "You guys are talented but sometimes the song choices just escape me."
Rachel nods in agreement, leaning forward as she says, "I tried to tell Mr. Schuester that we should do a Sondheim medley. You know, everything from Send in the Clowns to Sooner or Later, but he wouldn't listen."
"His loss," Shelby scoffs. "That sounds like a wonderful idea."
"No, our loss," Rachel corrects, shaking her head. "We will all lose Regionals with this terrible song selection. At least we are singing The Winner Takes it All."
"Your solo, I assume."
"Of course."
"Then there is hope yet," Shelby says, letting an indulgent grin pull at her lips. "He'd be a fool to give that solo to anyone else."
Rachel smiles, feeling herself relax into the conversation. She is about to ask about what Shelby's current plans entail when a piercing scream falls between them. Shelby jumps from her seat and says, "Sorry, I'll only be a moment. You came right at her lunch time, so-"
"Do what you have to," Rachel tells her. "We'll just, uh, we'll be in here."
Shelby disappears up a flight of stairs and Rachel's posture returns to its upright position, her ankles demurely crossed. The temporary relaxation that her and Shelby's conversation had lent her promptly disappeared and she felt nerves tug at her again.
"Things are going well," Jesse remarks beside her. She looks at him and he can see the anxiety in her eyes. Just as she had subconsciously grabbed his hand earlier, he lays a hand on her knee without thinking and murmurs, "Barbra?"
"No," she says immediately, shaking her head. She glances down at his hand and he goes to remove it, feeling his cheeks burn, but she covers his hand with hers and murmurs, "Thanks again for being here."
Shelby walks back into the room, Beth on her hip and the kid's lunch clutched in her hand. "Figure I'll just have her eat in here."
She glances at Jesse's hand on Rachel's knee and he has the distinct feeling of a mother giving him the once over. He promptly slips it out from Rachel's and places it on the couch beside her.
"So, tell me more about your year. You're a junior now, right?"
"Yeah," Rachel says, launching into the usual spiel as she watches Shelby feed Beth. The baby clearly does not like whatever Shelby puts in her mouth and she makes a face so similar to Quinn that Rachel stops talking and stares for a beat too long. Her cheeks burn as both Shelby and Jesse notice the silence and she launches back into her stories of junior year and college preparations.
All the while she watches Shelby with Beth, thinking of how that little girl would get all the attention she had craved. She would have someone to talk about boys with. She would have someone to teach her how to curl her hair and how to use liquid liner without poking herself in the eye. She would have a mom.
"Sounds like you have everything planned out," Shelby said, smiling down at Beth as she played airplane with the spoon. Rachel nodded her head up and down and softly murmured under her breath, "Barbra."
Jesse glanced over at her in surprise. He had thought things were going well, but one look at Rachel tells him otherwise. She is staring at Shelby, a naked look of yearning on her face as she watches something she will never have. Because even if her and Shelby did form some relationship, it would never be enough. It would never be the relationship Rachel wanted because there was no making up for those sixteen years that Shelby had missed. It was one void that couldn't be filled.
"Well, we have to get back," Jesse says, standing up from the couch. Shelby looks up and says, "Already? You two just got here."
"We were really only stopping by," Jesse says.
"Oh, I see." Shelby stands up, disappointment pulling her mouth into a frown. "Well, it was nice seeing you again Jesse." She looks to Rachel. "And it was wonderful seeing you, Rachel. You should, um, stop over again." Rachel's eyes snap to hers. "If you want to, that is."
"I do," Rachel says immediately.
"Good, well, enjoy the rest of your Saturday."
"You too."
Rachel and Jesse make their way out of the house, saying a few more parting remarks. For all the inane chitchat that takes place in that house, both are completely silent as they pile into the car and pull away from the house. Rachel speaks first, her voice soft and childlike.
"I don't know why I thought this would make things different. I thought we would see each other again and maybe we could pick up where we left off. We can't, though. The truth is, there is no spot to pick up from. We formed no relationship last year. No bond. We had brief conversations and she made me a costume. That's all."
"She cares about you," Jesse tells her.
"But that isn't enough," Rachel says. "I want a someone who fed me soup when I was sick and introduced me to her favorite movie musicals. I want someone who I've had late night talks with. Shelby told me before that she was my mother, not my mom. I want a mom, Jesse. We'll never have that."
"I'm sorry." He glances over at her, relieved to see that she isn't crying. She seems accepting of this development, but he knows it still hurts. Her eyes are dry, but they are empty. "I really am sorry, Rachel."
She sighs, leaning her head against the window. "What did I expect?"
"Are you sure that's safe?" he asks distractedly, glancing over at her.
"Don't know," she answers, her voice vibrating. She removes her head from the window and says, "Guess not."
"We don't have to go straight home," he says. "We can go anywhere you want. The movie theater? Somewhere for lunch?"
"Home is fine."
He looks over at her. "Okay."
"You'll stay, right?"
"Of course," he answers. He smiles sadly and adds, "I only have a week left. Have to make the most out of my time."
"One week," she mumbles. "And then you'll be halfway across the country."
"We'll keep in touch," he assures her. "If that's what you want."
Without hesitation she tells him, "It is. I'll admit I wasn't so sure about your being back at first, but you've proven yourself countless times. I really appreciate what you did for me today."
"Will you be going back?"
"Yeah, probably, I will just have to manage my expectations." She turns her head to look at the window. It is just starting to rain and the water leaves splotches on the pane of glass. "I can't expect some miraculous reunion. I know that now."
They park in front of Rachel's house and she climbs out of the car. She meets Jesse under the awning of the garage, protected from the rain, and he takes one look at the morose set of her lips and murmurs, "Come here."
He pulls her to him and her cheek rests against his chest. She can smell his cologne, a warm and familiar scent, and then all of a sudden her heart is racing again and she can feel her pulse all the way to her toes. She pulls away slightly and looks up at him, her eyes searching his as her mind spins beyond control.
"One week," she murmurs. "Make the most of our time, right?"
Before he can answer she reaches up and pulls his lips down to hers. He doesn't kiss her back at first and she presses lightly on the back of his neck, pulling his mouth down harder on her own. It takes him a moment, as an internal battle wages between his morals and desires, but the latter wins out as he wraps his arms around her tightly, dragging his tongue along her lower lip.
Pressed against her exboyfriend, Rachel think again that she is a glutton for punishment. He'll be gone in one week and then who knows what the hell will happen. But then she feels his fingertips brush at her sides, and she decides that she really doesn't care.
A/N: And...bam! They are together! Or are they? Will Rachel get cold feet? Will Jesse's morals kick in? Leave a comment and you will find out soon! Maybe I'll even give you a little hint in my review response...
Thank you for reading!