The SLASH WRITER'S GUIDE to BETTER KIGO - LESSON 2
The lights come back up to reveal WADE, still blindfolded. He stands there a minute, obviously not able to tell that the lights are up until finally:
BONNIE (from OFF Stage):
Psst! You're ON, nerd!
WADE:
Oh! Um, yes. For those who've asked or expressed concern, both of you, Ron's recovering from his concussion nicely, and should be back with us shortly.
At that moment, RON wanders past in the background, his head wrapped in heavy bandages ala The English Patient. He is mumbling incoherently and MAY be saying something about the horror he has endured, and possibly something about lemon squares
RON:
"The horror… The horror… something about lemon squares…"
WADE "watches" RON exit, then continues.
WADE:
So, he's back. In the meantime, let's continue our review with an issue that every writer should look at a little more closely: Possible Nudity. Now, while the lawyers have said that I can't look at it myself, a writer…
Wade is suddenly interrupted as KIM and SHEGO storm in, Shego looking more than a little irritated and Kim embarrassed.
SHEGO:
Whoa! Wait up Nerdlinger! Miss Prissy Princess Pants here is going all moral majority and having second thoughts about the showin' her naughty bits bit!
KIM:
You don't have to say it like that Shego! I'm well aware that there are a lot of valid artistic reasons for a performer to work… um… in the nude. I'm just not sure this is artistic enough to…
SHEGO:
We're a frickin' CARTOON, Princess! How can you get any more artistic than being drawn by hand?
WADE:
Kim… artistic merit aside, you KNOW we need the naked stuff to keep people interested. It's not like anybody reads fanfics expecting great literature.
SHEGO:
Or passable grammar and spelling, for that matter.
KIM:
I know, I know, the whole "show me the 'money shot'" thing. And I've been practicing, really! I've been walking around the house naked all week. But the thing is….
Kim pulls out a DVD of MIRRORS 2
KIM:
I keep thinking about THIS!
WADE:
Ah, yes. Your voice actor's first big nude scene. Available on both DVD and Blu-Ray, not that I would have seen either version. So, are you saying that you're bothered by how her nude scenes seemed to be so gratuitous?
KIM:
No, what bothers me is that my voice actor has bigger breasts than I do! The little pointy thing was cute when I was starting high school but I haven't had any character development since then! I'm college aged now, and it's getting embarrassing! Have you SEEN Carlson-Romano's rack lately?
WADE:
Yes, but only in movies about ice skaters. It's not like there are websites with nude clips and stills on the internet, heaven forbid. But on the other hand, you didn't have to be in MIRRORS 2, so I'd say you came out ahead on the embarrassing equation.
KIM:
Well, yes, there is that…
SHEGO:
Yeah! So get with the CCR program cupcake! You may still be getting residuals from the show, but the rest of us have to work for a living. And MY only steady other gig is binding my boobs flat and stunt doubling the freaking Jolly Green Giant! So I hope you'll understand when I say…
The fan's perverse enjoyment,
Is our form of employment,
And we get paid by the number of clicks,
So to appeal to them fanboys,
You've got to show them some o' your toys,
And appeal to their libidos and dicks…
So…
While you stripping may seem quite gratuitous,
for the rest of us, it's most fortuitous!
'Cause when your naked ass you're shakin,
That's when these fics bring in the bacon,
But if you refuse to show your titties,
There'll be no money in our kitties!
Which is why we've made it our agenda,
To expose the world to your bared pudenda!
So won't you please heed our request,
And get that clothing off your chest?
Shego stops and looks at Kim, who still seems unmoved by the appeal, but a little agog at some of the so called 'poetry.'
SHEGO (desperately):
My bank account is looking bleak,
Come on Kimmie, just one free peek?
BONNIE (off stage):
Stand back Shego, let US give it a try!
BONNIE and the ENTIRE CHEER SQUAD march in wearing full cheer outfits. While their outfits themselves are the same MHS one's we've seen in the show, their pom-poms are… um… different. Specifically, they're flesh-colored except for a single rose-colored tuft on the end, which they are all holding in front of their chests and shaking in jiggly circular motions. Needless to say, it's obvious what they look like, and if you can't figure it out, you need to find another genre to write in.)
BONNIE AND CHEERLEADERS:
(Marching and chanting in Drill Squad formation)
If you'll just take off your tank!
We'll put some moola in the bank!
If you give your boobs a flash!
The rest of us will earn some cash!
Having reached center stage, they form a 'pom-pom' line, shaking what the pom-pom manufacturer gave 'em for all they're worth.
CHEERLEADERS:
We don't have an annuity,
So how 'bout a little nudity?
Come on Kim, support your Class,
Show us a little tits and ass!
Bonnie takes the position of drill leader, facing the others.
BONNIE:
If she exposes a little skin,
CHEERLEADERS:
It'll keep our wallets from getting thin!
BONNIE:
If you need funds to invest…
CHEERLEADERS:
Get Kim Possible to show her breasts!
Shego joins in.
SHEGO:
What if she shows some sweater meat?
CHEERLEADERS:
There'll be paychecks and we can eat!
SHEGO:
And if she shows a little hiney?
CHEERLEADERS:
Our financial outlook will be shiny!
BONNIE:
To make your fiscal forecast finer
CHEERLEADERS:
Let the world see Kim's vagina!
SHEGO:
So come on Kim, don't be fussy!
Won't you show the world your…
KIM:
ENOUGH! I GET THE PICTURE! I'll do it! Gah! (stalks off stage) I'll be in my UN-dressing room getting ready if anyone needs me!
CHEERLEADERS (following Kim off stage, shaking their pom-poms):
YAAY!
BONNIE:
Man, is it ALWAYS that hard to get her to take her clothes off?
SHEGO:
You think that's bad, you won't believe what I have to do to get cunnilingus sometimes. Takes a frickin' act of Congress.
SHEGO and BONNIE exit leaving WADE alone once again. Well, almost.
RON wanders past in a delirium.
RON (mumbling incoherently):
No… no… not the banana pudding… no…
RON wanders off.
WADE:
Ahem. Well, now that THAT's settled, let's look at nudity. I mean, let's look at the SUBJECT of nudity. Were I able to access highly protected websites that screen out those underage… like Wikipedia… I would probably know much more than I do. However, this is how the internet defines nudity.
Absolutely NOTHING happens.
Wade waits a few seconds, then repeats himself.
WADE:
I said, THIS is how the internet defines nudity.
There is the sound of a scuffle backstage and MOTOR ED stumbles out in his Graduation Robe cap, propelled by MR. BARKIN'S FOOT. Ed's cap is on backwards, he has a half-eaten jelly donut in one hand and his face is covered with powdered sugar and jelly.
MOTOR ED (To someone offstage):
Whoa! That was like, so not cool!
Finally realizing that he is onstage, Ed turns around and addresses the audience.
MOTOR ED:
Uh… Nudity is, like, the state of wearing no clothing. Seriously. The wearing of clothing is exclusively a human characteristic. No, wait a second dudes, I've seen movies where these monkeys were wearing clothes… and they, like, caught these three astronauts and put them in cages… it was so wrong and GAAAAAAA!
Motor Ed's dissertation has been cut off because he has suddenly been attacked by a very irate MONKEY FIST and a HORDE of MONKEY NINJAs!
MONKEY FIST:
How dare you mock the greatest movie ever made? Monkey Ninjas! Make him eat his stupid hat!
MOTOR ED:
No! Wait! Monkey dudes that is so not… no! NO! GARfafadaerrrbbbbbbb!
Ed, Monkey Fist and the Monkey Ninjas all tumble offstage as Wade finally gives up.
WADE:
Oh, never mind.
Moving on, we've prepared a little presentation on Incidental Nudity 'do's and 'don't's. By incidental, we mean nudity that is not directly related to sex scenes, whatever those are. If I knew what I was talking about, I might use terms like EYE-CANDY, FAN SERVICE or , as my Grandmother says, WHACKING MATERIAL, to describe this incidental nudity. What is important for you, as a writer, to understand is that the average reader finds the thought of characters naked in unusual situations eminently re-readable. Moreover, the more POPULAR and well known the character, the higher the interest. That translates to a higher hit count, which is really the only way to measure popularity, and therefore your skill as a writer.
That said, there ARE situations that are less attractive to prospective readers than others, and the differences can often be quite subtle. Here are a few examples for you to study. But please, be observant. There WILL be a test afterwards.
Situation One. Here is a GOOD way to get Kim Possible Naked
The set behind Wade quick changes to Drakken's Lair. Kim has just entered via her grappling rope, but DRAKKEN pulls out a huge Blue Raygun!
DRAKKEN:
Ha ha! You lose this time, Kim Possible! My new Raybeam will make your clothes unravel at the molecular level!
Drakken pulls the trigger and, for once, his device works exactly as anticipated and Kim's clothing VANISHES! Kim shrieks in embarrassment!
KIM:
Eeeek!
DRAKKEN (embarrassed, and getting an eye-full):
Wow, you really ARE all that!
WADE:
Okay, that was a WELL thought out scene. But watch what happens in almost identical situation that the writer didn't think out QUITE well enough.
ALMOST the same scene. Drakken's Lair. Kim has just entered via her grappling rope, but DRAKKEN pulls out a huge RED Raygun!
DRAKKEN:
Ha ha! You lose this time, Kim Possible! My new Raybeam will make your clothes burst into flame!
Drakken pulls the trigger and, for once, his device works exactly as advertised and Kim's clothing BURSTS INTO FLAME! Unfortunately, so does Kim!
KIM:
Aaaeeee!
DRAKKEN (embarrassed):
Uh… Shego? Cleanup on aisle 5!
WADE:
Okay, here's another one. This is a GOOD way to get Kim Possible naked.
It's a shower scene with all the other cheerleaders. Kim is soaping Bonnie's back and not looking like she is enjoying it.
BONNIE:
Oh Kim, thank you for soaping my back after I sprained both arms when you failed to catch me during practice.
KIM:
Uh, yeah, it's no big.
BONNIE:
Well, THIS might not be, but I'm having my period and you're going to have to do my tampons next.
KIM:
Urk!
WADE:
And now here's one that wasn't quite as well thought out.
It's a completely pitch black room. We can see absolutely nothing.
BONNIE'S VOICE (From Somewhere in the Darkness):
Thanks for helping me test out my new sensory isolation booth Kim.
KIM'S VOICE:
It's no big Bonnie. I guess we'll just be here in the dark all weekend and… uh… what's that smell?
BONNIE'S VOICE:
Oh, didn't I mention that I'm a bed-wetter?
KIM'S VOICE:
Urk!
WADE:
Okay, here are a few more: GOOD example.
We are in an artist's studio. DR. DEMENTOR is 'disguised' as a painter, wearing a smock and a fancy beret on top of his helmet. KIM has just entered.
DEMENTOR:
Ah, Miss Pozzible! Zank you for ansering my ad for a model on ze Deviant Art page! Now please to be removing your clothes!
KIM (undressing):
So not the drama! I loved your photoshoped reworks of screengrabs from Punky Brewster!
WADE:
And a BAD example.
Kim and DNAMY are in a hotel room.
KIM (Nervously):
So… um… You said you needed some help in your ad on Craig's List?
DNAMY (Undressing):
That's right Kimberly! I need someone to help me make my sex tape!
KIM (Screaming in terror):
Aaaaaa!
WADE:
Good Example.
An exotic tropical resort. Kim is trying to hide behind a potted plant as she speaks into her Kimmunicator, something she is being forced to do because she's completely naked… as is everyone else in sight.
WADE'S VOICE (Over Kimmunicator):
I'm sorry Kim! I could had sworn they said it was a BUDDHIST Camp!
WADE:
Bad.
A man wearing a white mask and rubber gloves approaches a nervous looking Kim.
PROCTOLOGIST:
Ah, Miss Possible. I understand you have a hemorrhoid you need looked at?
WADE:
Okay! Do you think you get the idea? Here's the test:
WHICH of the Following are GOOD ideas, and which are BAD ideas?
1. Kim has to sneak across a topless beach unnoticed.
2. Kim gets a really, really bad case of hives
3. Kim's Club Banana card bill is too high and all her clothing is repossessed
4. Kim is hypnotized into thinking she's Rufus.
5. Kim is physically transformed INTO Rufus.
6. Dr. Anne Possible looks at Kim's old baby pictures.
7. Kim trying on lingerie at CBannana's Secret when attacked by Adrena Lynn
8. Bootlegged Kimages from a TSA screening booth put on internet by Drakken
9. Sex Tape with Shego
10. Anything involving Kim and Dog Collars
BONUS QUESTIONS!
A – What is the WORST way to get Kim Possible naked?
B – What is the BEST way to get Kim Possible naked?
WADE:
Okay, so here's how to grade the test: If the above ideas didn't give you at least three ideas for slash fics, you failed. If you had some really wrong ideas of your own, or stopped to write your own fic, you get an A.
For the record, however, the WORST way to get Kim naked, as submitted by "Miss B. R. on Top from Middleton," is… hydrochloric acid!
Science class. A still stupefied RON trips as he walks toward his lab partner, Kim.
RON:
Whoops!
KIM (dissolving):
AAAAAAAaaaaaaa…
WADE:
Well, there WAS some nudity, briefly. And now, the BEST way, according to "Ms. Go Who Should Know" is… Two drinks and a lame pickup line!
A crowded bar. Kim is at the counter, looking sloshed. SHEGO stands next to her.
SHEGO:
Okay, that's two Shirley Temples Princess. Wanna come see my etchings?
Kim throws herself into Shego's arm, kissing her sloppily.
KIM:
Nahh… Why don't you just take me home and fuck me?
Shego give the audience a wink and a 'thumbs up' as she carts her willing prize off for an evening of especially sordid debauchery.
SHEGO:
Works every time. Damn, I love these fan fic relationships!
The curtain comes down, leaving only Wade still standing in front.
WADE:
Of course, the legal people have asked me to remind you that all active participants in the preceding scenes were over the age of 18, unlike myself, and that all characters and scenes, including myself, are property of Disney, who own dang near everything these days. Inserting a notice like this is, of course, absolutely no legal protection whatsoever from a company that will sue a day care center or even the Academy Awards over the slightest perceived infraction of their draconian interpretation of copyright law, but what the heck.
The curtain comes back up behind Wade, revealing an expressionistic set composed of a single wooden chair to the front and a large bed behind at stage center. Sharp-eyed readers may recognize this same set from the same author's GREEN EGGS AND KIM. Yes, the author is very cheap.
WADE:
And now, we're very pleased to announce that Middleton's resident Poet Laureate, Miss Tara Ihavnolastname, has agreed to compose a piece she calls "An Ode to Plot Development."
TARA, wearing 'beatnik' attire composed of black leotards, black fishnet hose, black spike-heeled boots and a stylish black beret, walks onto the stage and perches… just barely… on the edge of the chair, in a manner that best shows off her figure and her long, elegant legs. From SOMEPLACE, we don't know where, she produces an already lit cigarette (the producers hope it's tobacco, but it looks suspiciously hand-rolled) and takes a deep drag.
Dramatically, she exhales a large smoke ring and begins:
TARA:
When drafting a plot,
You need to know who's not what,
So before you off on a spree go,
Cross your 't's, dot your 'i's,
Before they uncross their thighs,
Or you'll be stuck up a creek, mi amigo!
.
Remember that it just isn't done,
To retract plot points once you've begun,
So block out where each A, B and C go.
And changing a character's libido,
Is like digitally altering Greedo!
So before letting their inhibitions all free go:
.
To prevent future frustration,
Work out their orientation,
It's like a game of sexual Stratego,
You've got to use concentration,
To avoid poor plot fabrication
If you're going to sell the concept of Kigo.
Behind Tara, KIM and SHEGO enter. Kim is wearing a very tiny baby doll nightie and holds her favorite Cuddlebuddy, PANDAROO. Shego is wearing a dominatrix outfit and holds a pair of handcuffs.
TARA:
What you first have to posit,
Is who's hiding back in the closet,
Because we all like sexual intrigue, no?
And then your second trial,
Is deciding who's in denial,
And taking 'em down with a same-sex blitzkriego!
Behind Tara, it's obviously been decided that Kim is the one who's not out. Not that they debate on it very long, as Kim tosses Pandaroo over her shoulders and she and Shego practically jump into each other's arms and begin a furious exchange of tongue feignts and counters.
Ah, but at this point, RON enters, wearing only his boxers, and his jaw drops open in shock!
TARA:
So now what will Ron say,
When he finds out Kim's gay?
And that she's sneaking out to do Shego?
Or what if he learns that Kim's bi,
And dropped him AFTER giving Shego a try?
Then does poor Ron take a blow in the ego?
In a funk, Ron collapses into the bed as Shego and Kim keep right up with their increasingly amorous adventuring.
Now DRAKKEN enters the scene, wearing only a tiny speedo…
TARA:
But what if Ron's gay too,
And into someone who's blue?
Except Drakken is suddenly knocked aside by a certain giant superhero wearing only a mask and a strategically placed blue sock!
TARA:
And Kim catches him sleeping with Hego?
And like birds of a feather,
They all end up in bed together,
Having hot HeKiRon as a three-go?
Kim and Shego look sadly at each other and Kim reluctantly jumps into bed with the two men.
TARA:
And then Shego enters the scene,
Looking for her favorite red-headed teen
And decides she wants to play in this new league, doh!
Okay, so now all four of them are doing it, but mostly divided along same-sex lines, because, hey, we've done our market research and we delivers whats the peoples is wantin..
TARA:
So HeKiGoRon is borny,
And they all act really horny,
Until everyone collapses from sexual fatigue – oh!
Action is as described and continues, ad-lib, until end of scene. It is all very disturbing.
TARA:
So we've come to our climax,
But let's double check our facts,
And before you let your story go,
It's still a little bit bare,
So let's shove some other crap in there,
So your readers don't absentee go!
.
Now what do you think
About adding bondage and kink,
And having the girls both over Hego's knee go?
Or we could add some tension,
So perhaps we should mention,
A villain or monster like the Canadian Wendigo?
Okay, we didn't want to interrupt the sex, so we have an abominable snowman enter wearing a bondage outfit and join the fun. This mostly seems to involve Ron and the snowman spanking HeGo while the girls continue to push the limits of an M rating.
TARA:
But hey, it's YOUR story,
It's up to you if it's a bit hoary,
And will pass if you let your vanity go,
So that last step to acclaim.
Is to give it a name,
That will up on a big fat marquee go!
.
And that's all there is,
Now you're a fan fic plot whiz.
It's official, let it in your diary go,
Then start writing, you bastard,
You've no excuse, for you've mastered,
The fine art of plotting out KiGo!
The lights go out on Tara and the bed as we end the sordid scene.
WADE:
Thank you Tara. And now, dear readers, it's time for YOU to practice the writing skills you've learned today… and if we may suggest, one way to do that would be to write some generous and wonderful reviews. Remember, if you don't write, all these poor Kim Possible characters, including myself, will go hungry. Don't let that happen! We'll see you again… um… as soon as the writer is released from the home.
(Yes, to be continued)