Authors note: I have no idea where this stuff comes from. It just keeps appearing on my keyboard. What the hey, it's been typed, so here it is. Hope you enjoy. Legal disclaimers: Kim Possible, Shego, Ron Stoppable/Zorpox, Wade Load, Dr. Drakken, Bonnie Rockwaller, Tara, Monique, Yori, Motor Ed, Electronique, Brick, Josh, Jessica and all other characters are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Although use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18.
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The SLASH WRITER'S GUIDE to BETTER KIGO
LESSON 3
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The lights come up but the curtain stays down. From offstage, we hear a BLOODCURDLING SCREAM…
YORI:
(off)
Aaaaaaaa!
And then another BLOODCURDLING SCREAM joins it-
SHEGO:
(off, screaming)
OW! Jesus Jiminy in a Picnic… Aaaaa! Basket!
And then a third…
KIM:
(off)
No! No! Slower! Dear God have mercy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaRGHHHa!
SUDDENLY, a very panicked-looking WADE LOAD runs out onto the stage in front of the curtain. As Wade is still blindfolded, he almost falls off the front of the stage, but miraculously he recovers at the last second and staggers backward to safe footing.
WADE:
(Nervously)
Hi, uh, we're back again! There seems to be a bit of a delay backstage and I'm not sure what's been going on since they won't let me take this blindfold off, but they told me to come out and stall, so I thought I'd explain how a flash drive works…
SHEGO:
(From offstage)
Whoa! Wait up Pointdexter!
Wade turns in puzzlement as SHEGO suddenly steps on stage and crosses to him. She is dressed in what is essentially her "Miss Go" outfit, including the glasses, the only difference being that her clothes are now in her trademark green (the jacket) and black (everything else.) She also, oddly, has BANDAGES all over her exposed legs and even on the tops of her EARS. In her hand she is carrying a stack of ENVELOPES.
SHEGO:
The producers said for you and me to answer some reader mail while the others are having their fur shaved.
WADE:
Oh good, I was wondering how we were going to…
(Beat)
Um, did you say "fur shaved?" Was that a euphemism?
SHEGO:
Actually, it's about the only thing in this chapter that isn't. It seems some idiot got excited by the "dog-collar" bit last time and started writing a furry piece, so now half the girls have got cat-ears and a bad case of UHGS.
WADE:
Unnatural Hair Growth Syndrome?
SHEGO:
Yeah. So we've got the Diplatory and Body Modification Departments working overtime back there, but it'll be a few more minutes until all those pussies have been shaved and trimmed back to swimsuit safe…
(Shego hands the stack of envelopes to Wade)
And let me tell you, if I ever catch one of these furry writers alone in a dark alley, they're going to learn the hard way what it feels like to have a full body shave and bikini wax and then have a plastic surgeon reshape your ears after every fucking chapter!
WADE:
Uh… yes. Well, um… anyway… so, reader mail, huh?
SHEGO:
Yeah. Legal says you can read but I have to answer 'cause...
WADE:
I'm not old enough to be responsible, yeah yeah. In that case, let's see what we have…
Wade opens the first envelope and begins to read the item inside. How he does this while blindfolded is a mystery, but he IS very talented.
WADE:
Yes I am. So, question one – oh, this is a topic I know will be of interest. HoofNMouth at ffn would like to know: "Do you think that, under the right circumstances, the use of some explicit profanity might be alright in a fan fic?"
SHEGO:
Are you fucking kidding me? He's asking that in THIS fucking fic?
(adjusts her glasses in a snooty-librarian type fashion)
Dear Hoof - Fuck yeah, you can use all the fucking profanity that you fucking want. And just in case there's any fucking doubt left on the subject: fuck fuck fuckity-fuck-fuck. Capish?
(to Wade)
So, do you think that answered his fucking question?
WADE:
I think so. Okay, our next question is from SteamPoweredBoogalooII at the KP Slash & Hash, Kigo and Eggs site, who asks – "Realistically, how many people do you think will actually read my fan fic?"
SHEGO:
Dear Boog. I'm sorry, but realistically the answer is no one. You see, you're actually living in the Matrix and all of this is all just in your imagination. Which, considering that the best thing you could come up with to amuse yourself is talking to a cartoon character about fan fics, is actually kinda sad. Not as sad as the fact that I, a super-powered super villainess, am actually stuck here answering lame questions like that, but its pretty damn close.
WADE:
Hmm. Our third question comes from an SKingInBangorMaine at IHateTomClancy dot com, who writes – "I've finished my latest story, but I can't seem to come up with a good title that someone else hasn't already used. Do you have any suggestions?"
SHEGO:
Oh, this is an easy one. Dear Banger - Roman numerals are your friend, my friend. Just pick a popular story that you like the title of and add a number to the end of it. Hey, they do it all the time in Italy, and legally you can't copyright a title, just a story. Better yet, since technically all of these fan fics use the same set of characters, it actually COULD be a sequel, not that it really matters. What's important from your point of view is that by the time they figure out that it's not really a sequel, you'll already have racked up the hits on your FFN account. Ka-Ching!
WADE:
Wow, that's diabolical, but it does explain Piranah II – The Spawning. But how about some actual name suggestions?
SHEGO:
Let's see… I've always been partial to anything with the word "Fisting" in the title, so Monkey Fisting is a natural. Fisting Kim Possible would be good too, and then there's Drakken's Fisting Of Fury, Mr. Barkin Goes Fisting, Bonnie's Close Encounters of the Fisting Kind, Ron Fisting Mankey in October, …
WADE:
I think we'll move on now. Question number four comes from KonstipatedKeyboard at DrakRon, Scat and All of that dot com - "I'm writing a fan fic but I've hit a writer's block. How can I get around it?"
SHEGO:
Dear Konstipated - first you should consider why you have writer's block. Perhaps it's your subconscious telling you something. Is it possible that the world's just not ready for that Senor Senior Junior/Monkey Fist/Duff Killigan three way yaoi sex scene… you know, the one with the enemas and the Shetland pony? If you really want to continue, though, I suggest copying a random page from Wikipedia and have the characters suddenly decide to have a conversation about that subject… something like, say, the proper technique for de-fuzzing sweaters. By the time you've finished turning the wiki page into dialog, you should have either worked through your block or have decided to go de-fuzz your sweaters, which may actually be a more productive use of your time.
WADE:
Okay, I've just received word that the girls have all been de-cat-eared and are in the final bikini waxes, so we should have time for one last question. It comes from ImaCollasalHack2011 at In Possible dot com – "I'm thinking about writing a fan fic and I want to do something no one has ever done before. What would you suggest?"
SHEGO:
Dear Hack - Well dang… I had this great idea about de-fuzzing sweaters but I just blew it on the last answer. So… in that case, how about a story where Kim and I are trapped together in a desperate situation like a sinking underwater base or a collapsed underground lair. Realizing we may be doomed, we confess our true feelings for each other and then have continuous sex for the next one hundred and thirty pages.
WADE:
Um… hasn't that plot been used just a few times?
SHEGO:
Oh yeah, the plot, sure… but I've never done a hundred and thirty page sex scene and I'm kinda interested in seeing how many alternate words they could come up with for 'vulva.'
WADE:
An admirable writing challenge indeed! And on the subject of alternate wording, the foreman of our body services division has given us word that the girls are all-clear… which isn't actually a euphemism in this case, but makes for a nice lead in to a piece about euphemisms! So without further ado, our cast would like to present a little essay in verbal substitution that they've decided to entitle CLUBBIN' THE OLD BANANA.
Wade and Shego step off stage as the curtain rises, revealing MONIQUE, BONNIE, and TARA, all standing center stage leaning against the sales counter in the middle of a perfect replica of the Club Banana set. Although they are dressed in typical CB saleswear, what they are actually doing is passing around a VERY large joint.
TARA:
(taking a long toke and exhaling)
Mmm! Whoaaaa. That is some seriously good mellow yellow, Monique!
BONNIE:
(Taking the doobie from Tara and also taking a drag)
Yeah, seriously! And might I add that this job has also seriously kicked ass since you became the senior manager.
MONIQUE:
Hey, we broke our monthly sales record today, so I gotta take care of my best girls, IYKWIM, right?
(Monique takes a HUGE drag on the joint.)
BONNIE:
Oh, yeah. Though… if you wanna really make this BonBon happy, Club Banana could set her up with a REAL banana. I got a fruit salad that needs that extra ingredient if you catch my drift…
MONIQUE:
Heh! I hear that. Been a while since I had a good banana in the pie myself.
BONNIE:
(Making an 'o' shape with her thumb and forefinger and stroking an imaginary object)
A nice BIG banana!
MONIQUE:
(duplicating the hand gesture, but simulating licking the imaginary banana like a long lollipop)
A loooong one with just a bit of a curve…
TARA:
(taking yet another drag)
Hey, I don't care about the size. Any banana in the bunch is good with me, just as long as it ends up in my pudding.
BONNIE:
Oh yeah, I'm not kicking any bananas out of my banana boat, but given a choice, I'll always go for the biggest one…
(rubbing the imaginary banana between her breasts)
Mmmm! A great big, hard, firm banana…
MONIQUE:
Exactly what you just said, Bo. Give me an overripe 12 inch Big Mike banana, all big and swollen and black…
TARA:
Those are nice, but I like the little ones too. Heck, I even like them when they're soft. When I see a big soft banana hanging there, I can't wait to get my lips around it.
BONNIE:
And work up a little banana glaze for your jelly roll…
MONIQUE:
Mmm hhhm! And then there's that wonderful banana cream taste in your mouth!
TARA AND BONNIE:
Mmmmmmm!
BONNIE:
You know, I've never told anyone this before, but I once had five bananas all at the same time.
TARA:
No way!
BONNIE:
Yes way! They were all hanging together and couldn't make up my mind as to which one I wanted… so I said, what the hell, I'll take 'em all!
TARA:
Whoa. I don't think I could handle that many bananas.
BONNIE:
Yeah, they wouldn't all fit in the bowl at once, but there was some serious banana split action going on that night, let me tell you. And I couldn't get that banana-shaped smile off my face for a week!
MONIQUE:
Damn, now I REALLY want a banana.
Monique takes another drag, just as KIM steps out of the dressing room, folding a couple of shirts.
KIM:
Okay Monique, the back rooms are cleared out so we can…
(stops, sees the reefer)
Oh man, are you guys getting stoned AGAIN?
MONIQUE:
Don't worry, girlfriend, it's cool! I bought the shit from the security guard. He's not going to narc on himself, right?
TARA:
Yeah, why don't you try some Kim? We're just all sitting around, talkin' bout bananas.
KIM:
Bananas?
BONNIE:
(leering)
Yeah, bananas. You know.
(Archly)
So what kind of bananas do YOU like. Miss Prim and Proper?
KIM:
Oh, actually, I don't like bananas.
At this, Bonnie, Tara and Monique all break up laughing hysterically
MONIQUE:
Kim sweetie… when we're talking about bananas, we're not REALLY talking about bananas.
BONNIE:
God, you're such an innocent! You've probably never even SEEN a banana, have you?
Kim arches an eyebrow at the others.
KIM:
Oh Reaaaallllly…?
In a sudden, lighting fast blur, Kim grabs Bonnie, pushing her back and forcing her fellow cheerleader down against the counter… and before BonBon even has time to react, Kim is leaning over on top of her and planting a VERY hot, VERY wet kiss on Bonnie's gaping mouth. The kiss continues for about twenty seconds, during which time Bonnie's arm motions transition from frantic flailing to hanging limply at her side and, finally, slowly coming up to caress Kim's back. Just as it's become obvious that Bonnie is getting VERY turned on, Kim pulls back and looks with satisfaction at Bonnie's panting chest, drool covered face and dreamy expression.
KIM:
(Smiling)
Actually, I knew exactly what you were talking about BonBon. But the thing is, I'm really just not into 'bananas.'
And with that, Kim drops Bonnie completely, standing back up with a smile and straightening her clothes as if nothing had ever happened.
KIM:
Now if you'll excuse me, ladies, I've got to go meet Shego at Bueno Nacho… I don't want to be late for all you can eat taco night, if you know what I mean!
The lights on the set fade and the curtain comes down. A spotlight picks out WADE as, still blindfolded, he wanders out onto the stage.
WADE:
Gosh! What do you suppose THAT was all about? I personally have no clue, but I've been given a note that the purpose of the preceding example was to demonstrate how, by the clever use of EUPHEMISMS, it's quite possible to carry on an elaborate dialog about a given subject without ever actually mentioning it by name. Here's how a common dictionary, that we won't mention by name for legal reasons, defines Euphemism.
A spotlight picks out a badly battered MOTOR ED as he steps out on the other side of the stage. His graduation gown is now totally shredded, he's covered with monkey bites and his graduation cap is, indeed, stuffed up his ass.
MOTOR ED:
Okay, like, a EUPHEMISM is the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend, suggest something unpleasant or just be generally way gnarly. It's also, and this is serious dudes, what you call the expression substituted. A recent example of EUPHEMISM is use of the word Cougar to describe a woman who has reached mid-life, who is single, financially secure and on the lookout for relationships with younger men—as in "prey."
ELECTRONIQUE:
(from offstage)
Ooooh yoo hooo! Teddy! Where are you?
MOTOR ED:
Oh shit. Sorry dudes. I gotta get back to At The Centerfold of the Storm or 'Nique's gonna cut my fucking balls off.
(beat)
And that wasn't a euphemism. Seriously.
Ed scurries off in a panic, leaving Wade alone on stage again.
WADE:
Well, that was actually pretty accurate for a change. And as a fan fic author, you will find euphemisms extremely useful… not just as a way of including innuendo and cranking up the seeming overall naughtiness of a story, but also as a way of avoiding overzealous fanfiction site censors. To further discuss the application of this technique, we've recruited yet another pair of our unexpected songsmiths, the gifted team of Drew Lipsky, aka Dr. Drakken and Zorpox the Destroyer… or, as they're currently known on the Country Western circuit: Blue Man Groping!
DR. DRAKKEN and RON/ZORPOX enter wearing their traditional villain attire but with the addition of cowboy hats. In addition, Drakken is carrying a large mother-of-pearl banjo and Zorpox drags an enormous double bass. As Drakken begins to adjust a center-stage microphone, Zorpox tunes his bass by plucking the strings exactly once. Plink!
DRAKKEN:
Thank you my good man, ladies, cowpokes and germs! We're "Blue Man Groping," a name I fear we must use because those bastards Ackroyd and Belushi stole our first name of choice. But, this is no time for bitterness, and my true blue companion and I have composed a little ditty…
on the subject of the day,
And if you want to sing along, it's certainly okay!
Now I know I know that I'm no Buck Owens,
And Zorpox ain't no Tim McGraw,
But even if you don't like country,
You gotta know the tune of Turkey in the Straw!
RON/ZORPOX:
Nuff talk! DRAKKEN SING NOW!
DRAKKEN:
You got it, my blue brother!
(Singing, to the tune of Turkey in the Straw, of course.)
When Kim says "I'll take you in,"
Meaning "as a roommate," we all grin,
For we all hear the double entendre hanging in the air,
Because let's face it it's just too easy,
To make anything sound a little sleazy,
You just have to bend your words so there's a second meaning under there!
ZORPOX:
It can be like night and day,
When someone says "they want to play,"
And the only way you can tell what they mean is empirical,
So when we hear that Bonnie blows,
"Blows what" is what we wanna knows,
What double meanings can do for your writing is a miracle!
DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:
(Chorus)
So when your characters start to break the ice,
It always pays to make your readers read twice,
You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,
When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!
DRAKKEN:
Is Shego talking about her mechanic,
Or is she saying she's sexually manic,
When she says that her motor's been left running way too hot?
And just what kind of fun,
Does Bonnie mean by "Junior's big bad gun"
Until we know if when he plugged her she ended up laid or shot?
ZORPOX:
Will there be a lot of stares,
When Kim shows Shego all her wares?
That depends if she's working in Club Banana when she shows
When you play around with context
You can make anything sound like sex,
(Though if you're writing a KiGo tale I think it probably won't mean clothes!)
DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:
(Chorus)
So if you want Kim and Shego to lean "that-a-way,"
There's so much innuendo that can imply that they're gay!
You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,
When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!
DRAKKEN:
Is Kim looking at her Timex
Or coming to a climax
When she concentrates on those oh slow moving hands?
And just what kind of dyke,
Dam or girl, would Tara like
To encounter while she's cruising down through the netherlands?
ZORPOX:
And there's so much fun,
When you find a natural pun,
As in "Hey Kim, how do you feel about Fort Dix?"
If the phrase turn leaves you wondering,
Then you're probably not far from blundering,
So go ahead and stir it on into the mix!
DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:
(Chorus)
Slips of the lips change the whole undertone!
Turns of phrase can tell you who'd they'd like to bone!
You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,
When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!
DRAKKEN:
And then, of course, there are all sorts
Of euphemisms based on sports
Like first base, to score a goal or to make a pass,
And using a phrase like "go down'
Or an implying she's going to "go downtown"
Means something quite different when linked to Kim Possible's ass!
ZORPOX:
Any repetitive motion,
Will work, I have a notion,
Back and forth, up and down, in and out, you see
So if you say Kim Possible's,
Been riding on the bull,
The real meaning won't be in doubt, hee hee!
DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:
(alt. chorus)
Mention anything rigid, or for that matter frigid,
And it's going to affect the way that your readers will think,
And if you want to start tongues a wagging, try mentioning tea-bagging,
Because of course you can later claim you only meant the hot drink!
DRAKKEN:
Anything involving distances,
Can be dirty in most instances,
Like "comin' up the dirt road the back way round,"
And physical features like mountains,
Or plumbing fixtures like fountains,
Will usually euphemize what you want to say, or so I've found.
ZORPOX:
Does Ed mean his new hot rod
At night runs extremely odd
When he complains about his strange nocturnal emissions?
(And just how friendly is that fan author
Who oh so generously offers
To be completely open to all her readers' submissions?)
DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:
(Chorus)
How words are laid out can tell you so much more!
The tiniest nuance can turn an angel into a whore!
You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,
When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!
DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:
(now alternating lines)
If it's tumid and erectile,
If it inflates or goes projectile,
You can use it to suggest the masculine appendage,
And it won't be perplexing,
What you mean by lots of twisting and unflexing,
'cause it always implies they're bumping uglies when there's lots of bendage!
.
But there's one thing you must beware of,
So before we end this, let's take care of,
Discussing a dread condition that sometimes befalls,
Those who try to sneak in too much dirty,
While they whack upon their QWERTY…
And that's getting stuck with a case of permanent blue balls!
(Dropping their drawers for a graphic visual emphasis of the objects in question, Drakken and Zorpox roll into the final chorus by square-dancing gaily around, do si do-ing and promenading completely pants- less!)
DRAKKEN AND ZORPOX:
(Bare-assed Final Dancing Chorus)
So never forget that when you start to write,
Using the right euphemisms can double excite!
You can underscore your character's underlying sexual schism,
When you learn to use the magic that we call a euphemism!
Still pantless, Drakken and Zorpox finish their last do si do, bow to each other, bow to the audience, and prance happily offstage yelling "Yeeehaw!"
WADE:
Uh… thank you, I think, BlueManGroping! And now that we've had those useful tips, let's see what might happen if we applied them to a typical Kim Possible scenario. that we've entitled: Euphemize Me
The curtain comes up again to reveal a typical Kim Possible classroom set. All of the usual suspects - KIM, RON, BONNIE, TARA, JESSICA, BRICK and JOSH are there, as well as the rest of the cheer squad and a few extra girls. As the lights come to full, we hear the sound of the CLASS BELL ringing.
BARKIN:
Alright class, settle down! I regret to inform you that your regular teacher, MS. DeMeanor had a crab problem down at the beach… seems her field trip to Guatemala with our biology teacher, Mr. DeMartino, got a little more complicated than they expected, so I'll be taking over both of their classes for the rest of the semester. And fortunately for you, I hate grading tests and quizzes when I don't know the answers, so we're going to go straight to the final class projects where you get some real hands on experience and all I have to grade is a single report.
KIM:
Um… hands on experience? Mr. Barkin? You do realize that this class is Marriage and Sexual Hygiene, right?
BONNIE:
Yeah, exactly how are you qualified to teach this class?
RON:
And, like, have you even been married?
BARKIN:
That was a long dark period of my life I no longer speak of, but it wouldn't matter in any case. Teaching is teaching and fortunately Ms. DeMeanor sent a full set of notes… (He holds up a green notebook with the initials DM on the front for emphasis) though I gotta say, she's got the worst handwriting I've ever seen. But according to this, one third of your final grade will depend on this final project, which is to… uh… (reading verbatim) keep a four week diary covering the entire courtship, mating and reproductive process as you observe them first hand.
TARA:
Courtship, Mating and REPRODUCTIVE process?
BARKIN:
Did I stutter?
(Barkin picks up a class assignment book and a pen and looks around the class.)
So, the notes say that the first thing I've got to do is to pair you off in teams as partners!
KIM:
But Mr. Barkin…
BARKIN:
Stow it Possible. Let's see… boy, girl… Josh Mankey, you're partnered with Tara. I guess you're supposed to go forth and be fruitful.
JOSH:
Cool!
TARA:
Bitchin'!
RON:
But Mister Barkin!
BARKIN:
(Writing Josh and Tara's names together in the assignment book)
Quiet Stoppable. Brick, you're partnered with Jessica!
BRICK:
Hot Damn!
JESSICA:
Crap!
BARKIN:
(Writing Brick and Jessica's names together in the assignment book)
And next…. Oh...
RON:
That's what I was trying to tell you Mr. Barkin! Brick, Josh and I are the only three guys in the class!
BARKIN:
Hmmm. Well, I'm not breaking up the teams I've already made. Probably should have written these in using a pencil. So I guess you're going find out what it's like to live in a polygamous society. All you other girls are with Stoppable!
RON:
Whoa! Really? Booyah!
BONNIE:
Ew! Now wait just a second! I am not going to be on any cream team with a bunch of other girls! And I'm especially not going to be in a Daisy Chain with HIM at the end!
KIM:
Yeah! I'm sorry Mr. Barkin, but I don't want to swapping sockets either!
BARKIN:
All right. If you're going to be like that… Possible, you and Rockwaller will be having a Boston Marriage instead.
KIM:
WHAT?
BARKIN:
You know, a congenital inversion. A crossing of the wires. Batting for the other team.
BONNIE:
Is he saying what I think he's saying?
KIM:
If you think he's saying we'll be sharing Birkenstocks, yeah, I think you did.
BONNIE:
You and me? As in long time companions? Pushing the wheelbarrow? Punting from the Cambridge end?
KIM:
West End Thespians, riding the three wheeled trike, camp counselors… yep, that's what he said in a clamshell.
BARKIN:
That's right. Finger artists, Kitkat shufflers, wearers of sensible shoes… it's that or being sloppy eighteenths and nineteenths with Stoppable. Make your choice now, ladies, 'cause I'm using a pen.
BONNIE:
Well… if a third of my grade's riding on it, I'm sure as hell not going to place my bets on riding the baloney pony with that loser's Null Monte.
RON:
HEY!
KIM:
That's… actually a good point. Or a lack of one, in this case.
RON:
What? What does that mean?
KIM:
Well, um… no hard feelings, Ron, but I've dated you a few times and… that was exactly the problem: No hard feelings. You just didn't rise to the occasion.
BONNIE:
Hold on. Are you saying the sidekick didn't hold his end up? That he was serving boneless pork? His noodles weren't al dente?
KIM:
Let's just say let's just say it was a sch-wing and a miss. He tends to arrive a little early and has a severe ascension deficit disorder.
BONNIE:
Ooo, I gotcha. So he bounced the check of love and took Olympic gold at Lake Flaccid, huh? Early to bed, forgot about the rest? No flagpole to salute?
KIM:
I hate to say it about my BFF, but it was kinda like trying to shoot pool with a piece of rope.
RON:
You know, I'm sitting right here!
KIM:
Yeah, but the problem is that you should have been standing.
(Kim sighs deeply)
Okay, if a third of my grade's riding on it, I guess I'll bet on playing librarian with Bonnie versus Willy-won't-go and his less than Magic Johnson.
BONNIE:
I can't believe I'm saying this but… welcome to the bus, sister, looks like we're driving diesel to the same lodge.
KIM:
Unbelievable.
BONNIE:
Yeah. Unbelieveable.
(Suddenly, thoughtfully…)
On the other hand… it might be interesting to be with someone who actually knows her way around the local area. Maybe we could talk about it over dinner.
KIM:
(now equally interested)
Sounds… good. I'm always ready to eat… just about anything.
BONNIE:
Is that right? So…. how do you feel about… sea food?
KIM:
Oh I figure I can handle clamdigging for a little oysters Rockwaller. In fact, I know this great place at the gym…
BONNIE:
Oh yeah, down at the Y, right? What the hell, let's give it a try. We'll be in college soon anyway and…
BARKIN:
Okay, enough out of you two. Anyone else want to…
(Barkin is suddenly cut off as the CLASS BELL rings loudly and the entire class, en masse, races out of the room to begin their "studies.)
BARKIN:
Yeah, class dismissed. Whee!
(Puts class assignment book away.)
Okay, so it's DeMartino's Advanced Biology class next. Let's see what we have here.
Barkin reaches under the desk and pulls out a cardboard box, pulling from it several glass jars, as well as a small pink notebook.
BARKIN:
(reading book)
Damn, DeMartino sure has some flowery handwriting. And why in the hell would anyone need to research the price of wedding dresses and baby clothes for fruit flies and sea monkeys?
(There's a beat as he suddenly realizes that this is NOT DeMartino's book, and the book he was using in the previous class was NOT Ms. DeMeanor's.)
Ah hell.
(He stops, thinks it over and then a sly smile forms on his face.)
Then again, this could prove to be… rather interesting. And I DID write everything in pen.
Whistling happily, Mr. Barkin starts writing the words "WEDDING DRESSES FOR FRUITFLIES" on the blackboard as the lights go out and the curtain comes down.
Everything is quiet for just a second, and then…
SHEGO:
(from offstage)
Oh No! No way! It ain't ending like this!
Shego storms back in front of the curtain, dragging Wade with one clawed fist.
SHEGO:
Now wait a damn second! What kind of a KiGo chapter was this supposed to be? I got one… ONE… taco eating scene and that was off camera, while BonBon got to do Kimmie twice? I mean, seriously, what the hell?
WADE:
Uh… Sorry Shego. I don't write this stuff… and frankly, I'm not even sure who writes it. They use a double pseudonym, not that I blame them!
SHEGO:
Yeah? Well you're going to know who wrote the next chapter, brother! 'Cause I'm taking over as the writer of this thing! And I promise you, next time this thing updates you're gonna see some proper red on green action! You got that?
WADE:
That's right folks! Next time, get ready for SHEGO does KIGO!
SHEGO:
Count on it!
(The lights go out and all the good readers go out and write nice reviews or Shego will come and do very bad things to them in their sleep… and that's NOT the good kind of euphemism! See you next time if you survive!)