A/N: Hey, hey, hey...so I know that I'm posting on a Saturday but I just couldn't wait until tomorrow to give it to y'all.. *giggle* that's what he said. With that said, I had a few people want to know a posting schedule...I want to try and post on a weekly basis, as I've been doing. So fingers crossed that that continues. Look for SexWARD updates every weekend.
Okay, huge thanks to lexiecullen17 & snozzberryfaery for being awesome beta-fish. And ass pats and bewbie smacks to Twighlit and BritPackSuccubus for pre-reading my pervtastic words.
Voting for the Plot Bunny Contes-which I'm co-hosting- starts on August 5th-my birthday actually..Woot Woot.
SM owns Twilight and it's characters I just play with them.
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EPOV
I stepped back and watched the tiny ball of fires' flame grow bright and agitated. I'd seen her at the coffee shop, and I had been so close to speaking to her before she'd gotten up and went over to my shop.
And now, she was very close to exploding all over my brand new employee. I mean, Christ on a cracker, Gianna had only been here a few weeks.
"No, I'm the pissed off bitch whose new 'Guaranteed' toy failed. Literally stopped working the moment it got me working." I watched as she lifted her hands to make quotation marks while she spoke.
Gianna spotted me, and her eyes spoke volumes. Help me, this lady is crazy, they pleaded. Trying hard not to laugh out loud at the sheer amounts of sexy she was when pissed, I cleared my throat and waited for her to turn around.
"Fuuuuuck." She elongated the word, and her shoulders instantly tensed up. I decided then and there, I liked her all riled up and mean. So I did what any adult male would do...I provoked her.
"That seems to be the problem, yes?" I said once she finally turned around. Her mouth went wide, kind of like a silent moan. "A right to the point kinda gal, I like it." I smiled at her, thinking of how dirty she probably talked in bed.
Instead of saying anything, she thrust a black bag down on the counter forcefully. Yes to thrusting and doing it forcefully. My brain is so fucked up.
Suddenly, her face changed into the crimson color of ripe strawberries, and she manhandled a wad of folded papers and plastic cards out of her pocket.
What caught my eye, though, was the hospital ID badge. I memory-banked that information just in time to hear her mumble to herself, "I knew I shouldn't have listened to that silly, bouncy nurse Alice."
As luck would have it, I knew a nurse named Alice who shopped here and worked at the very hospital this girl's badge was from.
"Hey, you can have Pinky now. The fucking thing reminded me of too many failed escapades!" she yelled out, before she turned and stomped out the door. I blinked rapidly to clear any thoughts of her naked with other guys-failed attempts or not.
For some strange reason, as I watched her flag a cab and shoo it away, I found myself wanting to be the guy she planned escapades with. Maybe, I could even show her how to put her rabbit to use.
I picked up the box from the counter and clapped it to my palm, much like a disciplinarian would a paddle. I shuddered, and shook off the whole new array of dirty thoughts that just popped up. You know that's not the only thing that popped up. Oh fuck, now my erection was speaking to me.
Gianna, however, still looked a bit startled. I shrugged and told her, "We've seen crazier than that in here before. Ask Jasper about his favorite customer."
I laughed and walked towards my office in the back. My cock decided it was going to pull a James Earl Jones and monologue my trek. If you return it, she will cum. If you return it, she will cum. Fucking jerk, my dick. Ha-ha, jerk...dick.
Smart penis aside, I thought about heading to that hospital and bringing her a "gift". But who, exactly, was she? Shit, I'd forgotten to get her real name, and I couldn't exactly go in there and ask for Pinky or the "crazy sexless woman stomping around".
Basically, I ended up falling into my seat at the desk, my fingers lost in my hair until I saw it...my saving grace. The credit card receipt, which had her signature on it, and the computer printed name above it to match.
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BPOV
I headed into work, still in quite the mood; my resolve to step on the face of anyone that bothered me was in place. Probably because of the fabu-Choos on my feet and the fact that I hadn't paid full price for them. It was just more incentive to put them to good use. After I'd stormed in, red-faced, and spilled my guts to the salesman, he gave me a discount.
Laughing, I thought about the rest of my outing, which had consisted of a cab home to change, and a microwaved panini sandwich. Yes, I knew that shit wasn't healthy, regardless of what the fucking box's name said.
Newton and Crowley kept a safe distance from me when I strutted in an hour early. I guessed yesterday's outburst had really traumatized them. Crowley actually side stepped around me in the hall and paused so that I could walk past him.
The patients were polite and easygoing today; it was some kind of miracle. I even garnered a few compliments about my new shoes...even a back-handed one from mean old Mrs. O'Shea.
"Why dear, those shoes make your legs look so much slimmer than they are." I smiled, well sneered really, and told her that she'd better eat her lunch before a nurse took her tray away.
Alice was lurking somewhere-like she had a sixth sense and knew I wanted to hurt her. I knew she was assigned to this floor today. I just hadn't found her...yet.
My feet started screaming at me as the end of my twelve hour shift neared. A new male nurse caught my eye as he was staring at my legs. What a good pair of shoes could do to your calves was amazing.
The annoying little nurse that I'd been waiting to choke spoke cheerily into the intercom. "Doctor Isabella Swan, you are needed at the nurse's station." I tossed my hair over my shoulder, threw my shoulders back, and as I stormed towards the voice, I smiled at the admiring nurse.
Boy, he was pretty. I was sure with his long black hair, which was pulled into a low ponytail, and what appeared to be a very fit body, he'd look good in a loincloth. I shook the distracting thoughts from my head and got back to the menacing hair pulling ones about Nurse Alice.
My rampage was once again interrupted by someone stepping into my smirk stopped me in my tracks and forced me to appraise the deliciousness before me. A pair of brilliant emerald eyes, set in a pale face and framed with golden, copper locks. Dark, low slung jeans with a sliver of exposed skin hung just below a fitted, plain white, Hanes t-shirt.
"Fuuuuck." I stammered, out as I almost fell face first into his crotch. The toe of my very expensive shoe had caught on the corner of the nurse's counter. I swore I could even hear that bouncy little nurse giggling.
"Well, that's the blunt girl I remember." He smiled as I fixed my hair and straightened my white doctor's coat. "But this really isn't the place to discuss future plans, is it?"
"What are you doing here?" I hissed between teeth so tightly clenched my jaw was starting to hurt.
"I saw your ID in that mess you pulled out of your pocket." He smirked and threw a swoon-worthy smile over at the huddled, nosy nurses at the desk. I was positive they gave a collective sigh-to which I turned and glared at them. He cleared his perfectly elongated throat until I turned back toward him.
"You mentioned a Nurse Alice." He gave an effeminate wave to someone behind me. "I put two and two together. I'm very good at putting things together, you know?"
"I'm sure your hand doesn't appreciate you telling it's business in public." I spat out before I could stop myself. Sweet jeebus, had that just come out of my mouth? I was mortified, and he had the audacity to laugh; he wasn't offended in the least. I pushed out my chin. "Okay, why are you here? Did you feel the need to further my humiliation beyond your workplace?"
"Oh, quite the contrary, Ms. O-less. I wanted to show you." Had he just waggled his eyebrows at me? And why did his voice get so low? "Well, show you what great customer service I can give to you." His hand touched my shoulder, and then his fingers slowly ran down my arm.
My mouth sputtered some nonsensical string of incoherent vowel sounds, while Mr. Plain White Tee just smiled toothily and handed me a shoebox-sized wrapped package. I watched, speechless, as his very fine, jean-clad ass strutted into the elevator. I stayed that way, completely immobile, until the doors closed and hid him from my view. Well, that is until a tiny manicured hand touched my chin and finally closed my mouth.
"Doll, with your mouth open like that, you're going to give that man the wrong impression." I blinked to clear my mind and must have mumbled something along the lines of 'huh?' or 'what?' because the voice answered. "You know. Open door, open invitation. Keep the door closed, darling." She patted under my chin to get me to close my-once again-parted lips.
"Fuuu..." I started to curse myself, but then I thought of all the verbal trouble that word had gotten me into today.
A decidedly better move would be for me to get back to work, and that was exactly what I planned to do. First, I just needed to find a quiet, hidden place and open the package he'd brought.
With the way my day had been going, I shouldn't have been surprised when my hospital pager went off, announcing that my help was needed for an emergency. Mrs. O'Shea had coded and they were wheeling a crash cart into her room, mere feet in front of the quiet solace of the on-call room.
I saw Alice out of the corner of my eye and knew that even if I was pissed at her, I trusted her. "Alice, can you lock this up for me and keep all those other nosey biddies away from it?"
She nodded and took the box from my hands. That was the first time I got a good look at it. Alice was trying not giggle as we both stared at the purple and pink Easter wrapping paper...covered in hundreds of bunnies.
Who the fuck is this guy? We're not even close to Easter. Maybe he moonlighted at a party store or something. I shrugged and thought about what the likelihood was of a sex store having a gift wrapping counter. Really, Bella, don't you have a crash cart to help with?
I rushed down the hallway to the chaotic room and thought about that fucking bunny-or non-fucking bunny, as it had been. It was making me crazy. I pulled a set of my secret stash, extra small, latex gloves from my pocket and snapped them in place on my hands.
Being in a male dominant career had taught me they didn't always order the extra small gloves before they ran out. Before I could even attempt to assist, they shocked the patient's heart and the solid green line regained the jagged-edge marks of a steady heartbeat.
The pretty male nurse from earlier was there, towering over everyone in the room. He nudged me with his elbow and smiled sweetly. "She's too mean to die, yet. Stop looking so worried."
I grinned up at him, feeling a bit embarrassed and guilty that he thought I looked stressed about the patient, when it was really over a smart-mouthed sex store employee. "Thanks," I looked down at his ID badge, "Nurse Black."
The man's very large hand shot out to shake mine. When he clamped around my much smaller palm, all I could feel was heat. Oh my, the 'gina' fire has spread through my skin like a rash. Fuck, Bella, stop thinking about your hoo-hah and rashes at the same time.
Before I could make a fool out of myself, Dr. Crowley called to me from the hallway. "Doctor Swan, a word please." It didn't really sound like a request, so I smiled at the man with heated hands then got in step with the sexual harasser.
"Yes, Doctor, what did you need?" I asked in the most professional tone I could muster. He paused in his step, and I'll be damned, but the bastard's face was screwed up all tight.
"I get that my past behavior was the wrong way in approaching you, but do you really have to flirt with a nurse in front of me?" Well, fuck me silly. The man was jealous.
I cleared my throat and looked down at my shoes to hide the insane smile creeping onto my lips. Once, I had my face straight I looked up at him.
"Dr. Crowley, I'm sorry that you took the professional demeanor between two colleagues as flirting...I assure you it was not." Liar, you pictured him all Conan in a loin cloth. "In regard to it being in front of you, I also assure I don't plan on having any relationship-other than work-with a co-worker."
His face showed the rejection, and for a second I almost felt sorry for him, but then I remembered all the ass pats and "accidental" boob brushes and any pity fell away. I patted his shoulder and tried to smile kindly.
When I walked away-and left him standing there-I felt like the cheerleader who lied to the geek about why she didn't want to be his date to the prom. God, I was such an asshole.
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My shift dragged by at a snail's pace. Most likely because I couldn't stop thinking about the bunny-papered package and the guy who had brought it to me.
Finally, my shift relief found me. I handed over the patient charts and went through a brief but informative run down of everything that had happened. Well, minus my personal shit-storm that had brewed.
The ride home was eerily quiet. Either that or, if anyone had spoken to me, I wouldn't have noticed because I was too lost in thought. I paid the cab driver and tried to hurry out of the taxi. My rush caused me to reenact a scene from Hitch.
The edge of my doctor's coat got caught in the door. Why I hadn't taken the stupid thing off, I'll never...oh wait! It was because I had cock on the brain. As the driver pulled forward, my jacket yanked me back off the curb. My ass slammed into the pavement, and my jacket's edge tore with a loud, nasty-sounding rip.
I cried as I watched the frayed remains dance through puddles of mud, the cabbie completely unaware that he was dragging half of my first doctor's coat along. I ran the back of my hand angrily over my cheeks, smearing the tears and my make-up.
A nice passerby helped me to my feet. I thanked him and stomped up the steps to my apartment building. It was then that I decided today had been too much. Too much of everything. My getting angry over the lack-luster performance of the toy I bought, the Cowboy, the green-eyed devil, and my daydreams about the loin-cloth-clad nurse all proved to me that I really needed to get laid.
Unfortunately, tonight was not that night. I had all but thrown the damned pink bunny at the poor cashier girl. So, instead of a wonderful-hell, I'd even take a semi-wonderful-orgasm, me and a bottle of Merlot were about to get up close and personal. Wow, I'm a fucking loser.
Halfway through the bottle, I decided that even with as bad as today was, I might as well ice the proverbial cake and open up sex shop guy's package. Oh really, you wanna see his package? My inner slut sang out, and I had to admit, I wouldn't mind.
I plopped onto my couch, bottle of wine in one hand-because at this point who needed a glass-and the box under my other arm. I balanced the box on my bent knee while I took a swig of the yummy red wine. Carefully, I tried to set it on the coffee table, but I almost spilled it and started to giggle-cry.
Angry and flustered, I ripped away the fucking ridiculous Easter paper. I officially declared that I hated the holiday and all fucking rabbits from that point on. Bugs, fuck you. And what the fuck was wrong with rabbits that laid multi-colored eggs?
Slowly, I lifted the lid of the box, and instantaneously knew I was losing my shit. "Seriously?" There was a thin layer of printed tissue paper. Printed on it were carrots and colored eggs. What I saw, though, were orange penises and polka dotted balls.
I didn't think I was ready to see what lay under the tissue blanket yet, and thankfully there was a distraction from looking. A small white envelope was set in the middle of it. My hands were shaking as I held it in my hand.
The flap was not sealed, and the single sided card slipped out easily. It was a plain card, solid purple. Bless baby Jesus there were no furry animals or hysteric-inducing holiday decor. Printed in immaculate lettering it read, "Edward Cullen: Sexual Health Guru"
That ass.
I flipped the card over in my hand, and on the back was another scrawled out message. "Call if you want me to show you how to use it." A number was just below it, and before I realized what my drunk, horny ass was doing...I had the phone in my hand, five out of seven numbers already dialed.
The last two digits rung out as I hit them. Ring...ring...ri... "Hello?"
Fuck, he had answered. What was he still doing at work. "Hello, is anyone there?" The smooth, seductive tone rang in my ear.
"Um, yeah." My voice sounded crazy and sort of quivery. "It's Bella Swan, Doctor Swan...from the hospital today." Why the fuck had I just explained it like he hadn't come looking for me.
He laughed into the receiver ,and my ears began to hum out of sheer joy of hearing him do that. "Someone sounds like they had a rough day." I could practically hear the fucker smirking through the connection.
"Ya' think?" I smarted off at him, which only earned me another short laugh.
"Well, I see that you opened my package." Which earned him an ear full of snorting, intoxicated laughs. "Oh yeah, you've been having some fun over there."
"What do you mean..you'll show me how to use it?" I blurted, not coy and sexy at all. So not the way I should have.
Silence. The line was actually quiet. So, of course, I spoke without thinking, again. "Do you want to come over and have a glass of wine? I have this great bottle of Merlot. On second thought maybe I need to run and get some more wine before you get here." I rambled along, sloshing what was left in the bottom of the bottle.
"How about you tell me where 'here' is, and I'll bring a bottle with me?" He finally interrupted my babbling. Thankfully, or you would have kept going and going. He would've gotten to hear all about how you were fantasy fucking him and loin cloth boy all evening.
I stumbled through, trying to give him the address and directions all at once. He said he'd see me soon and then the line went dead. I sat there on the couch with my empty bottle of wine and half-opened package with infuriating inner and outer paper until the buzzer sounded.
The sound came again in a quick succession followed by the static-roughed sex voice. "It's me, Edward."
I scrambled to get off the couch, causing the box in my lap to topple to the floor. I may or may not have fixed my hair before buzzing back, as if the man had x-ray vision and could see up this many floors.
"Come on up," was all I could manage to get out before hitting the button to give him access to the building.
A few minutes later, the knock at my door came. I hadn't moved, so all I had to do was lean forward and peer through the peep-hole. Edward's hair came into sight first. I swung the door open to see that he was still dressed in the clothes from the hospital earlier. He smiled, and his green eyes sparkled with a naughty glint. Maybe I was imagining the naughty part. Part of me hoped not.
"Well, it looks like you've had a rough night." He winked and waved his hand toward me. I looked down to see that I, too, was still wearing my same clothes. Tattered, muddy, ruined clothes, but still the same. "So, where do you want me to put it?" he asked.
My head shot up, my eyes searching his face, surely looking bewildered that he'd just come right out and said that. He noticed my crazed, rabies-having animal stare and waved the bottle of wine in my face. "Can I come in, and where do you want me to put it?" Again with the hypnotic wine bottle waving.
The sigh that came out of my mouth sounded annoyed and juvenile. Believe me it was, but it was directed at my foolish brain not the self-proclaimed sex guru in front of me. I pointed toward the kitchen and side stepped so that he could actually step past the doorway.
"So, you want to get started right away, or do you need some more wine first?" Fuck, fuck, fuck...now I know I heard him correctly this time. Well, fuck, fuck, fuck was what I'd been craving today.
I shrugged a silent answer, then turned toward the front door grinned and twisted both locks into place. This was going to be an interesting night.
Dah Da Dunnnnnn. So, chickens & roosters what do you think Pinky and SexWARD are up to?
Leave me some love, rub your finger...err I mean hit that.
The review button, pervies.
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