A/N: Oh my, I'm super sorry for the delay y'all. Between hitting my 30th birthday and one of my minis getting sick..last weekend was hec-tic. SexShopWARD has been just standing over in Bella's place with a bottle of wine for over a week. Geez I kind of feel like a slunt...well not so much.
Lexiecullen17 and Snozzberryfaery were all sorts of awesome sauce and beta this fic for me, and Britpacksuccubus & amerymarie were gracious enough to pre-read. I flove these four girls.
SM owns Twilight, I just play with them.
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"So, where do you want me to put it?" he asked.
My head shot up, my eyes searching his face, surely looking bewildered that he'd just come right out and said that. He noticed my crazed, rabies-having animal stare and waved the bottle of wine in my face."Can I come in, and where do you want me to put it?" Again with the hypnotic wine bottle waving.
The sigh that came out of my mouth sounded annoyed and juvenile. Believe me it was, but it was directed at my foolish brain not the self-proclaimed sex guru in front of me. I pointed toward the kitchen and side stepped so that he could actually step past the doorway.
"So, you want to get started right away, or do you need some more wine first?" Fuck, fuck, fuck...now I know I heard him correctly this time. Well, fuck, fuck, fuck was what I'd been craving today.
I shrugged a silent answer, then turned toward the front door grinned and twisted both locks into place. This was going to be an interesting night.
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"Ummm, so yeah," I spoke to the floor as he passed by me, and I paused to smell him. Then, I remembered the state of my clothes and the fact that I had fallen to the ground in a puddle of muck. "You can set the wine in the chiller on the counter. I'm going to change."
"Into something more comfortable?" I could hear the cocky smirk in the way he posed the cliched question.
"Wouldn't you like to know," I huffed under my breath. As I turned toward my bedroom door, I swore I heard him say just how much he did.
With the door shut behind me, a solid barrier in place, I started to freak out just a bit.
Oh, do you mean standing with your back to the door and your eyes darting all over your room like you're a fiend? Why yes, yes that's exactly what I mean, you cunt. Ugh, who knew we had such a dirty little mouth? I bet the guru, in the living room, would love to see it in action.
"Cunt." I spoke to the empty room and instantly caught a vision of my crazy card getting stamped.
I shook my hair loose after removing a bobby pin or two and then scrounged around for my Victoria's Secret sweats. What, no Fredrick's of Hollywood attire to break out for your induction into the sex toy club?
Even if I had planned on becoming a card carrying member, FoH was way out of my comfort zone. Rabbits and lube today, crotchless panties and sex swings tomorrow...yeah, that so wasn't happening. Anyway, my Pink sweat pants and tee were fitted and very cute.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and shuddered. How could I have not noticed the mud caked on my face and clothes? The urge to shower warred with the fact that I had basically a stranger in my house, and I was already naked enough without having to get wet and soapy.
Hurriedly, I scrubbed clean my face and pulled my hair into a low ponytail. Cracking open the door, I couldn't hear any noise coming from the other part of my apartment. As quietly as I could, I stepped down the hallway and spotted the reason for the quiet-the fucking upturned, rabbit decorated box.
From where I stood, I could even see a hint of the multi-colored balls and bright orange penises. Edward was standing next to the couch, just staring down at the mess. He must think I was either a slob or an ungrateful bitch.
He turned and saw me watching him, but instead of the angry, upset look I'd expected, he was smirking at me. The right side of his mouth was twitching, and his eyes looked like they hid a secret. Damned sparkling mischievous emeralds.
"So, you liked it that much." He pointed down at the heap of bright colors. "You just threw all the wrapping on the floor. It's very kid on Christmas morning of you."
I could feel the heat rising up my neck, the mixture of anger and embarrassment rearing its ugly head. Words were trying to fight their way through my teeth. I had the whole response sorted out, but when I opened my mouth, a bubbling geyser erupted.
"See, I saw the paper and freaked a bit then I tore that away only to see orange penises holding hands with nauseating rainbow testicles. I read the card and was so drunk I acted on impulse and called. I never thought you'd actually come...I mean not come, but you know, show up over here."
Instead of even replying, I heard him start to laugh, the word "Awk-wa-ard" sounding out through the giggles.
"Jesus, and now I'm going to need therapy. I'll hate Easter forever and...and yeah, it's awkward that I just told you all of that. Especially because I had a very snarky response planned out."
Could you please just shut up? I'm trying, I swear.
Edward sat on my couch, his feet straddling the half-opened gift, and patted the couch cushion next to him. "Come tell daddy everything, child." My head cocked to the side, and I was sure I was glaring at him. "Oh, did you want to sit on my lap to have 'the talk?'"
"Ugh, you're incorrigible," I stated before taking a seat next to the cushion he had patted. Then, I watched as he poured me a much unneeded glass of wine. Edward smiled, and it seemed very sincere...well, that was until he opened his mouth to speak.
"So, spill on why you're so frustrated and why you keep asking me to fuck while we're in public. Tsk, tsk."
EPOV
The woman in front of me looked very much a terrified girl after I jokingly asked her to tell me her sexual secrets. There were still clumps of mud matted in her hair, and her cuticles and nails were stained the mucky brown as well.
Still, her feisty anger and nervous ramblings were endearing to me. Endearing? Really, endearing? Okay, shove it, yes she was still entirely fuckable but endearing was not a bad thing to be. And looking at her dirty girl appearance only made my talkative penis show me images of nailing her in the rain. More like after she fought in a mud wrestling contest-I bet she's a scratcher.
A shiver ran down my spine as I pictured her nails along my back, and I heard her set her glass on the table. She had her back turned to the arm of the couch, her legs pulled up under her, and a fringed pillow in her lap.
I wish I knew her better, and by better I meant in a more sexual nature. All I wanted to do was turn her over the arm of the couch and fuck her into a blissful daze. But, as soon as I caught a glimpse of her face, the thought fluttered away. Something inside me felt uneasy. I was sure it was my rambling dick, but I wanted to hug her and reassure her that her venom-spitting tendencies were attractive to me, and she could spit whatever words she wanted in my face.
"You wanted to know why I'm so frustrated?" she asked. "Yesterday when I came into your shop, I was embarrassed that I was there. I should be able to find a guy, but no, I had to stoop to buying a toy." She said the last word in the same venom-laced voice she'd used at my shop.
"Lots of women buy them. It's nothing to feel ashamed about," I tried to interject but got a sad smile and a palm forward, halting my words.
"But, I bet lots of women buy them for extra pleasure and are more than capable of having a guy between their thighs if they so wanted."
Jesus, fuck, she just talked about being between her...Yeah, I heard her too.
I tried to cover my now protruding erection by changing positions to match hers. A excited chuckle escaped my lips. "Bella, you could have a guy betwe...well, anywhere you wanted him."
"You sure about that?" She smirked. "Every time I've tried to have a relationship, or just a plain old fuck for that matter, it's been almost bad enough to need a therapist."
I leaned over and refilled both of our glasses of wine, handed hers first, and then settled back into the cushion. "You're probably over exaggerating, right?"
"I tell you a few, and then you tell me, oh sex guru." I watched her swirl her wine in her glass before taking a deep drink from it. "The first time I'd ever been intimate with a guy was my senior year in high school."
I cocked an eyebrow at her revelation. "Don't look at me like that. I was focused and driven," she said sternly and then rolled her eyes at me before she continued. My naughty cock spoke up then. Wonder what she looks like naked with her eyes rolled in the back of her head?
"Anyways, I'd gotten my acceptance letter in the mail for the university I'd been dreaming of going to since I was in grade school. I wanted to celebrate and figured why not have some 'supposedly' great sex with the guy I'd been dating since sophomore year."
"Hold on, you dated a guy in high school for two years and never gave hm any? What, was he captain of the debate team and you just presented a good argument for waiting?"
"Ha-ha. No, actually, he was captain of the football team, and we'd been friends our whole lives. His mom lived a few doors down from us, and he knew how important school was to me."
"Oooookkkaayyy. I'll let you believe that. So, what happened with dream doll Ken?"
"James," she corrected me. "Anyway, my parents were out for some police department function, and I had the house to myself. And before you make a joke, my dad's the police chief back home."
Shit man, I've heard cop's daughters are as freaky as preacher's girls. Give it a rest, does she really look like she has some secret identity? Like she'll rip open her shirt and be dressed in some sort of S&M superhero outfit? Noooo, smart ass, but now that you mention it, we'll have to save that image for the spank bank. I swear, the mushroom monster skipped off into my frontal lobe chanting, 'whips and belts and cuffs. oh my'.
When she was satisfied I wasn't about to make a handcuff joke, she took another drink. It was a trend I was noticing, drink and divulge...drink and divulge. "So, we had gone to see a movie, and when he took me home I asked him in."
"How slutty of you, Bella." I teased and refilled her empty glass again.
"Shut up. Anyway, we were kissing and what not, and he was ready, you know? I guess I wasn't as good to go as him, because when he tried, it hurt. He just told me it was normal and kept going. Finally, I had to tell him to stop because it didn't stop hurting. The pain just got worse."
Fuck, I hadn't expected to hear her say that. I mean, I knew that when a girl lost her virginity it hurt, but this asshole James hadn't even taken the time to prep her for it. Fucking high school boys and their lack of foreplay knowledge.
"So, he stopped, but he looked really upset. I told him I was sorry, but it didn't feel good. He told me I could make it up to him and finish him off. We broke up that night, and thrn he told the whole school he'd taken my virginity. That I was awful."
"Damn it, Bella, even though it happened a long time ago, I still kind of want to punch him in the face for you," I admitted without realizing that I sounded too much like a boyfriend.
"Oh, no worries, Edward, my cousin punched him in the balls in the middle of the lunch room the next week-after all the rumors were all over the school."
"Good for him. Way to protect his family."
"Her, Edward. Siobhan is a she and has a flair for the dramatic." We both burst into guffaws, thinking about some guy getting junk punched by a furious girl.
"Alright, Dr. Swan, I'll admit that is a frustrating first experience, but it had to get better, right? What was your best go at it?"
I knew then and there, she was drunk. How did I know? She actually answered my nosy dive into her history.
My ears perked the moment she cleared her throat. "Freshman year, I went to a house party and got very very drunk. My morals went out the window, and after I grinded all over some guy dancing, we found an empty room."
"Hate to jump in, again, but what exactly had you been drinking...you know just so I have the full story. Let's call it, in depth research."
"To answer that I'll have to tell you my college mantra: Jack knocks me on my ass, Jim Beam makes me mean, Cuervo is a no go, and Schnapps, well, Schnapps gets me hot."
I may have done a double take and wine almost came out of my nose. Instantly, my penis and I agreed to keep a bottle of Schnapps in the trunk of the car, the office, and a bar full at the house.
"Peach," Bella giggled out. "For the sake of research, of course."
Of course.
In horrific fascination, I listened as Bella recounted how loose the booze had gotten her. How in fact started to enjoy the sex she was having with this guy, Riley, and just as she was really getting worked up...disaster struck.
Our precious Riley pulled out and exclaimed that he wanted to cum on her stomach. What happened instead was that he ended up jizzing in her eye. She started yelling about how it was stinging and at him to help her. That ass handed over her own shirt.
After trying to wipe away the acid searing her cornea, she made her way, naked, to the bathroom to wash her face. Once the stinging had subsided and cold water was everywhere, she reached down to grab the clothes she'd dropped at the door. It was then that she finally noticed the girl sitting on the toilet of the shared bathroom.
This...this was her best experience? I asked her as much, and she told me it got better.
"I avoided him when I saw him on campus. My eye was red and swollen for a few days after, though," she admitted. Her eyes darted down to her glass, and I saw her cheeks flush. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol or the story she was sharing. "Anyway, he called out to me one day when I was trying to go unnoticed and get past his group."
I took a drink of my Merlot to try and stop myself from gaping at her. She was so beautiful and intelligent. How had she not been sexually revered and worshiped?
"I said hello to him while trying to stop and speak, but he grabbed my elbow and was all, 'Bella, I had fun the other night, we should go out again.' I got angry and turned to face him, my angry red eye glaring. I said something like, 'Riley, look what you did to my eye.'"
"Right, right, so what happened then?" Oh my God, take my testicles. I'm turning into a gossiping girl at a slumber party.
"He looked really confused and kind of upset. Then he asked me who Riley was and how could I not remember him after the awesome sex we'd had. His name was Garrett, and I learned later that his friends called him a 'pussy nomad.' He never stayed in one place long enough to remember the details."
"Fuck, Bella."
"That's what I've been trying to do, Ed-ward," she replied drunkenly.
I ignored her snarky reply, only because I was close to offering to do just that to her. Instead, I asked if that was really the best sex she'd had.
"It's kind of a tie with the next time I tried to have sex. There was guy in a couple of my pre-med classes, Eric Yorkie. We dated for almost two months before I decided that maybe I wasn't cursed and could try again."
"You were wrong?" I asked, but I knew. Her face scrunched up like her wine had soured.
"I was wrong."
"Do I want to know?"
"Hey, you asked, and if you're going to help me...you may as well know." She gestured to the box at my feet and the card on the table. "It started when Eric had been grinding against me and kissing my neck and breasts. I thought, wow this guy is great. He was all about the foreplay and making sure I was just as aroused as him."
Bella did the most unattractive, sexy in it's oddity, thing. She snorted. "Yeah, that was a mistake. He rolled off me, a panting, sweating mess, all the while praising how awesome that was and asking me how great it was for me. I asked if he was seriously asking me that, and I turned on my side and saw how for real he was."
"No way. This is just too much," I said under my breath, guessing at what she was about to say.
"Yup, in all that time, we had never even passed kissing. I had no idea how small he was until I saw him take off what looked like a thumb condom. I never even knew we'd been having sex, so I guess that one would win as the best go at it."
Out of all that, the only thing my mind came up with was, "A thumb condom?"
Bella started laughing so hard that she had to pull her knees up the her chest. My cock took notice of the fact that her splayed feet made the perfect frame for the curve of her ass and a clear shot of sweat suit covered pussy.
"You know, like at the post office or in a mail room. They're those little latex fingertip coverings you use to separate mail, money, or whatever. They come in different colors and look just like tiny condoms."
"Maybe Eric had a connection at a bank or the student mail center." I spoke thoughtlessly, not even considering that this might be a sore subject for her. But Bella surprised me by returning to the loud laughing from before.
I grabbed her glass of wine, so she didn't spill it and set it on the coffee table. As I sat back, I felt Bella nudge my shoulders into the cushion, then she swung a long leg across my lap and straddled me. Shit, shit, shit this was what I had wanted since I watched her stumble into me in front of the coffee shop, but after hearing what she'd gone through, I just couldn't. Not while she was drunk and emotional from reliving her sorry, selfish sex partners. Thank god she wasn't pressed down on my crotch. I didn't think my resolve would have gone that far. I wanted her too badly.
My mind was trying to come up with a distraction for her when my foot nudged the box and the tissue paper crinkled. A question burst out of my mouth.
"So, which of those reminded you most of your rabbit? I remember you saying that you it brought back because of too may memories." I saw the change in her face come on fast; she went from sloppy seductress to searching for the right answer.
"None of those." She shook her head as she spoke. Her speech was more slurred than it had been on the phone. "I'd have to go with Junior for eight hundred, Alex."
Oh yeah, she was toasted. She giggled at her own joke before telling me one more story. We'd been three up to bat and three strikes. I had a feeling this guy was going to be no swinger.
"Junior was a touch excited. Like my rabbit, he got me all worked up and seriously horny, and just when I went for it, it died."
"His dick?"
"No, the rabbit, silly man." She fake slapped my chest and left her hand there. The heat from her palm made my heart start to race. "Well, I take that back, his dick kind of died, too. He was too excited to get it in the hole," she giggled. "So I decided to help him out. I wrapped my hand around his not Eric sized cock, and as soon as I did, he came all over my thighs."
The concert of her saying cock and coming on her thighs made beautiful, enrapturing music that forced me to stand up quickly. I didn't want to stab said thighs. Half way standing, I realized that she would fall on her ass, so I wrapped my arms around her tiny waist and then gently sat her on her feet.
Using her distraction to gain balance, I picked up the box.
BPOV
I grabbed hold of a very defined shoulder as Edward bent over in front of me. My hormones took over, and I thought of how his face was just at the right height.
He sat back down, and I took a timid, unsteady step toward him. What he held in his hands stopped me cold. The box, open...with no tissue paper blanket.
I could hear the angels singing, "ahhh, ahhh, ahhh" in the background, and I swore a golden light emanated from the box.
Nestled inside was not the pink bunny I'd returned. Thrown. Whatever. There was a long purple rabbit inside. The same metallic beads ran along the shaft, but there seemed to be more of it. Not the beads, but the shaft.
My brain decided that the golden glow came from the shiny flecks embedded in the jelly material. The base was a lighter purple and had more buttons than Bugs had. Laying next to it was a his and her's warming oil. I saw there were little chocolates dancing on the "hers" and strawberries on the "his".
What I saw next made the angels sound their trumpets. Black silky ties, a blindfold, a wooden three prong massager-as per what Edward named it-and finally, a book. The corners peered out from under the crumpled black silk. I reached to pull it from the box and got a jolt of electricity up my arm.
Edward's hand was covering mine, stopping me dead in my tracks. He pulled out the book and turned it so that I could read the title. Fuck me. Yes really, please...fuck me.
The Kama Sutra.
Edward's deep sexy voice sliced through the quiet. "There are seven chapters, all based on different aspects of sensuality. If you're still interested, and when you're sober-or less drunk, I can show you how to use your new friend. Edward pointed to the box in his lap, but my hoo-hah screamed out that he was really pointing at his dick.
And to a true testament of how sick my inner perv was, Mr. Rogers popped into my head, and in a sing song voice said. It's such a good feeling ...A very good feeling...The feeling you know that we're friends.
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Dun dun dunnnnnn. Edward's talking peen and Bella's inner perv are so on the same page, it's ridiculous.
Tell me how you're feeling about the new gift.