Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I really wouldn't mind owning Angel, though.
Summary: What Buffy was feeling when the Gang kicked her out in Empty Places. Spoilers for Season 7. Very short one-shot.

BETRAYAL

It's true what they say: Life, much like her sister Fate, is a world class Bitch, and both of them enjoy knocking me down and kicking me before I can get up.

I've dealt with betrayal before. I've dealt with loss and disappointment. I always got back up again.

I faced the Master, even when I knew it would mean my death. Angel found me, and Xander brought me back to life. I was a little screw-y after, but I bounced back.

It nearly killed me when Angel lost his soul, when the others blamed me for it happening (I admit to being a more-than-willing participant, but it's not like we KNEW about the clause!) and for not being able to kill him, but I persevered.

I was pushed to the brink, and over it, when my Mom discovered that I was the Slayer and threw me out, right before I had to kill Angel. I left, but I came back after I got my head screwed on straight.

Giles betrayed me in the worst possible way when I turned eighteen, but he redeemed himself when he told the council to shove it and tried to rescue me from the vampire that I was supposed to face powerless.

It hurt when he left to go back to England, but he was right when he said I needed to learn to stand on my own.

I was in Heaven, and they pulled me out because they didn't want to do without me, and acted like there was nothing to be sorry for, but I forgave them, and forced myself to keep living, because they needed me.

But I guess you can only take so many hits before you break.

We are facing the Oldest and Biggest Big Bad in history (literally!) and we're flying by the seat of our pants.

We had been searching for knowledge on how to face the First Evil, any weapon we could use against it. Maybe I should have checked out the Vineyard before I took the Potentials there. Maybe I should have trained them more before we left. But the clock is ticking, and we had to go on what we had. It ended in tragedy, but we can't let that stop us from trying again.

Perhaps I do rely too much on Spike. Maybe I have been giving him special treatment and maybe I should keep him far away, because we don't know if the First still has a hold on him. But in strength and skill, Spike is my equal, and if I'm so short on those that I need to stage a jailbreak for Faith, then I can't turn Spike away, no matter how many feathers he manages to ruffle.

Yes, I should have spent more time with the Potentials, more than just the speeches I forced my brain to come up with to stop them from giving in, but when did I have the chance? I had to work to pay the ever-increasing bills (I have over twenty people who need to eat, and wash, and use electricity…). Sure, half the town is gone, but I still have to patrol, because the Potentials aren't ready to fight multiple Vamps, or even more than one or two per night. I have to do research on the First. I have to train them, and train myself, and a hundred other things.

I wish I could sit down with them, I wish I could laugh, and braid their hair, and talk about their lives, and learn their names and dreams. But I'm running on only a few hours of sleep as it is, and if we want to live through this latest Apocalypse, I don't have the TIME!

I can't really blame the Potentials, even if I do want to strangle Kennedy. (Seriously, if Faith dies and makes her the Slayer, I'm gonna hurt someone.) I get where they are coming from, and I can sympathize. They're young, even younger than I was when I was first Chosen. They are scared, and far from home, and in danger from the Uber-Vamps that even I have trouble fighting. They are on the edge, and just watched two of their numbers die, so they lash out at someone that they think can take it. They don't know that I can't take it. I don't expect them to know better.

I can't really blame Faith. She didn't want them to pick her over me, and ultimately stood in my defence. She's fresh out of jail, and was never really a team player in the first place. She's watched others interact, but never really been part of a relationship outside of her first Watcher, who she once said was more of a mother, and various one-night-stands. In a sense, she's as much a victem here as I am, because she's never been responsible for other people's lives, and she has to be panicking right , like the Potentials, saw me as more than I am, and still does, in a way. Having been here for only a few days, I don't expect her to know better.

I can't really blame Robin. Children see their parents as invincible, as perfect, and Wood's mother was a Slayer. He doesn't really get that Slayers are still human, and just as capable of failing as anyone else. He was young when she died, so young that all he really knew was that Vampires were Evil, no questions asked, and that the Mission to get rid of Evil always came first. I can't blame him for wanting revenge on his mother's killer, only for his timing. I can't blame him for not understanding when I protected Spike. I don't expect him to know better.

I can't even blame Anya, really. She's an ex-Demon, an ex-Vengeance Demon, and never really saw things the same as the rest of us. She said that my being chosen didn't make me better, just lucky. Someone really needs to speak with her about that, because if being Chosen, being forced to sacrifice your hopes and dreams and very future, never knowing if you will live to see the sun come up, is her idea of 'Lucky', I really don't want to know what she considers to be 'Unlucky'. She is at once Refreshing, Mortifying, and Totally Incomprehensible. We were never close, so I don't expect her to know better.

But Willow, Xander, Dawn and Giles? How could they do this to me?

Giles is the closest thing I have to a father, but when we train, that is put on hold, because no person can be at once trainer and friend. He left me behind, wanting me to stand by myself, and then wants me to not make my own choices in this. He knows better than any of the others what sacrifice is demanded from both Slayers and (decent) Watchers, the things we have to do just to make sure that the world sees another sunrise. How could he stand there and condemn me?

Did I condemn Willow when she lost control after Tara was killed? When she skinned Warren alive and attacked us? I told her to stay away from Dawn when she nearly killed my sister during her 'Magic-Rush' phase, but I still tried to help her. Now she decides that I don't get to be the leader because she doesn't agree with my decisions. Is she just letting her hormones speak for her, blindly agreeing with Kennedy, or does she really think so little of me?

Xander was the first one to fight beside me, my first day of school, and he and Willow have been with me ever since. He knows the risks we take every time we walk into the night. He's seen me come back, barely alive. He and Willow have been in hospital, and seen me or Giles in hospital, horribly injured. He's seen my corpse (and God, if that doesn't sound wiggy). Losing an eye is obviously traumatic, but he chose to be there, and he can't blame this one on me.

And Dawn… I don't even know where to start. I fought off Social Services for her, even when she was taking everything out on me. I worked my ass off at a crappy burger joint to make sure we had food and a roof over our head. I died for her, when everyone else was urging me to kill my little sister, because I love her. I did my best not to neglect her, even with everything going on. Dawn knows what I've done, and all she can say is that it is her house too, (as if she does a thing to help or pay!) so I have to either do what she says, or leave.

At my school in LA, one of the girls in my group had an older sister. She was gentle, and always had her nose in a book, and we were merciless. But whatever we did, she would smile, make some enigmatic response that sounded like it belonged in Japanese poetry, and then leave while we were trying to figure out what she meant.

I don't even know how I still remember her, but one of her comments jumps out at me: "Sticks, stones, words and deeds can wound deeply, but the greatest pain and the worst betrayal always comes from those we love the most". How true, when it seems that my heart and sense of worth have been ripped out and stomped on by the ones I love and trusted above all.

Another quote (which took three hours and two English Teachers to decipher) was: "People think themselves righteous and just when they taunt the current of a stream, calling it weak and inadequate, because it seems insignificant, and gives no response, so they throw words as they do pebbles. Then the stream broadens into a wide river, and they are surprised when they are consumed by the relentless undertow, barely recognizable as the slight current that they once dismissed."

The words and accusations that they all threw at me, blaming me and saying I wasn't worthy to lead probably seemed justified to them, but that didn't make them right. Their betrayal hurt me, even if I tried not to show it, and I don't know if I can bounce back from this one.

I'll do my best to recover and fight, because I'm the Slayer, and I have a duty to the world, but if I can't recover, if this last hit is the one that breaks me, then my money is on the undertow, and we are all screwed.

btvs

btvs

btvs

btvs

A/N: Inspired by a discussion with 'SCWLC', who everyone really needs to go and read. My plot-bunnies really need to show up at less-o-dark-thirty hours. Enigmatic quotes might get you called a nerd, but if they're already calling you that in the first place, it actually does work.

As always, Constructive Criticism is appreciated, and Flames are cheerfully ignored.

Thanks, Nat