A/N Yes, I'm making direct reference to TV Tropes with the chapter title...because it fits. Also, I was, in fact, listening to the piece of music mentioned when I was typing this up. If none of you have gone through the bonus dungeons in either the Dawn of Souls or 20th Anniversary remakes, this isn't going to make any sense to you. Anyways, enjoy! End A/N

Sweet Polly Oliver

"You know, if it weren't for the monsters, this place wouldn't be so bad."

"As much as I hate to agree with him—"

"Oi! What's that supposed to mean?"

Warrior sighed as he pushed open a door to yet another empty room. "Can he not go five minutes without starting an argument?"

"He never argues with you." Black Mage's remark came from behind him, where the sound of metal scraping a whetstone originated.

"That's because he knows he can't win." Warrior shut the door and continued on to the next one. "I use logic."

There was an amused snort. "So do I. So does she. Even he does, to an extent. What makes you different?"

"I'm the only one here that possesses anything resembling sanity."

The sound of the whetstone continued for a moment, and then, "I'd take offense to that, but you're probably right."

There was a silence between them for a moment. It was Warrior who broke it. "You're certainly obsessed with sharpening that thing, aren't you?"

"It's something to do." A pause. "Excuse me for a moment, will you? He seems to be trying to drown our healer."

"Certainly."

There came, after a moment, the sound of lightning and an explosion of swearing. There were a couple more small explosions, and then the swearing died down into mutters.

Warrior kept walking, not even bothering to glance down when he felt someone tug on his cape. White Mage had some up beside him, almost running in an attempt to keep up with his long strides.

"We're lost, aren't we."

Warrior shot her an exasperated look. "When are we not?"

Then he drew his blade, signaling that all conversation was over.

Twenty minutes and many dead monsters later, White Mage found a staircase. They descended into what Black Mage claimed was the fifth floor. This bolstered the hopes of the others, as Earthgift Shrine had only had five floors. Perhaps they'd soon be done with Lifespring Grotto.

At least, three of the four thought such. Warrior knew better then to get his hopes up.

The place they'd entered bore a striking resemblance to the Sunken Shrine. They were under water, of course, with a bottle of Oxyale each, and the grotto they were in was made up of the remains of some ancient building. The roof was gone, the railings and walls were crumbling, and there were holes in the floor. The staircase they had used to enter crumbled behind them, as all the others before it had done, trapping them. Luckily, there were no monsters in sight.

There were, however, an exceptionally large number of mermaids. Good-looking mermaids, too, though that seemed to be a requirement to be a member of the species.

Thief, who had been grumbling, instantly brightened and struck up a conversation with a particularly pretty mermaid with a pink tail. The other three simply ignored him and continued to survey surroundings.

"Have you ever noticed," Black Mage said after a moment, "that while there are dozens of mermaids, we never see any mermen?"

"I know! It's not fair! If they're gonna have a bunch of girls swimming around in almost nothing they should have some good-looking guys too!"

Warrior's eyebrow shot up, but he chose not to question White Mage's thought process. Instead he turned to Black Mage. "I can't help but wonder why you're the one to take note of this."

"Wha-? Are you saying you think I'm—?"

"I said nothing of the sort."

White Mage leaned around Warrior to stare with wide, curious eyes.

"L-look, I'm only wondering how they manage to keep their species going when there aren't any males!" And with that, Black Mage stomped off in a huff.

"That was strange…thought I suppose he does have a point…" Warrior shrugged and found himself a spot against a fairly sound wall and leaned back, pondering their next move. White Mage left to go chat with a group of mermaids out of Warrior's earshot—a conversation that quickly turned into gossip, giggles, and a few sidelong glances his way.

Thief approached his friend and leader, his eyes locked on the sulking Black Mage. "What's his problem?"

"He noted that for all the mermaids we have encountered, we have yet to see any mermen. I inquired as to why he cared, and he took offense."

"So you asked him if he was into men."

"I said nothing of the sort."

"But you implied it."

"Perhaps I did."

Thief shrugged. "Well, whatever. If he wants to pitch a hissy fit, let him. Anyways, I heard his interesting tidbit and thought you might be interested…"

Thief's information sent them all over the little grotto, making inquiries and searching for clues. The general consensus was that a sword had found its way down here—one that looked incredibly similar to Warrior's Excalibur, in fact—and that some strange man had been hunting for this "legendary blade". Motivated by curiosity, if nothing else, Warrior and Thief searched for this sword and its hunter. Eventually the two mages joined them, and all four continued with the effort.

They found them—but it wasn't quite what they were expecting.

The sword was an exact copy of Warrior's Excalibur—only it wasn't. The gold filigree in the handle looked like it was gilded, the metal of the blade lacked the luminescence of the original, and the jewel in the hilt looked irredeemably fake. The four couldn't help but wonder who would bother with something that was so obviously a cheap knock-off.

The sword hunter, however, was far more interesting.

They didn't actually see the guy until they'd found the sword. Thief had knelt down to pick the thing up when there came the sound of a sword being drawn from behind them.

The four spun around and found themselves facing the strangest man they'd ever seen.

He was tall, with an overly large halberd and strange armor. He stared at them with a sort of dark humor, like he found them to be funny.

"What, are you looking for Excalibur too?" He smiled an odd smile, like he was about to deliver the punch line of a joke. "How rude of me…I mean, the four of you come all this way…of course I'll let you have the sword."

"Uh…Thanks?" Thief's tone couldn't have reflected the group's confusion better if he'd tried.

The hunter snorted. "I'd say you've been hitting the oxyale a bit hard if you believe THAT!" His snapped the halberd up, pointing it directly at the Light Warriors. They drew their weapons in response; the mages stepped back as Warrior and Thief moved to cover them.

"Warriors of Light, eh?" The hunter laughed. "Let's see how you handle the mighty me! And by me, I mean Gilgamesh! And by handle, I mean DIIIIE!"

Music suddenly swelled in the background, evoking images of an epic battle upon a giant bridge.

At this, Thief dropped his combat stance. "Hold on a sec!" He pointed his ninja blade at Gilgamesh in an accusing manner and shouted, "Where the hell did the music come from?"

Gilgamesh shrugged. "Every time I go into battle, that music plays. Pretty awesome, right?"

"What? You get a fucking battle theme?" Thief's shoulders slumped in disappointment. "Why can't we have one?"

"Why are you so hung up over this?" White Mage asked, giving Thief an odd look.

"We're the Warriors of Light! We're the saviors of the world, for god's sake! If anyone should get their own battle theme, it's us, not some random sword hunter that no one cares about!"

"Actually, I don't think he's just—" Warrior's voice was drowned out in the music, which exploded in volume as Gilgamesh struck a pose.

"Enough expository banner! Now, we fight like men! And ladies! And ladies who dress like men!"

The Light Warriors froze. Slowly, they turned to face Black Mage.

"What? What're you looking at me funny for?"

There was a moment of awkward silence. Then, White Mage spoke, deciding that the blunt way was the best way.

"Are you a girl?"

"Wha-Why the hell would you think THAT?"

"Well, they're obviously guys," she indicated to Warrior and Thief, "and I'm obviously a girl, so…."

"So what?"

"So you're the only one he could be talking about." Thief said, a wicked twinkle in his eyes.

"You're all insane! I'm no girl!"

"You know, now that I think about it, your voice is awfully high…."

"WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF! I'M A GUY!"

"Okay, I'll believe you—if you prove it."

"Prove it? Prove it how?"

"Take off your hat."

"HELL NO!"

"He's right…that's the only way we can be sure. Take off that silly hat!"

"Don't you DARE touch my hat!"

Thief and White Mage exchanged a knowing glance.

"Well, if you don't take it off…I guess we'll have to!" She cackled as she spoke.

"Off with it, mate!"

"STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

Black Mage took off running, hands pulling on the brim of his too-large hat. Thief and White Mage gave chase, laughing evilly all the while.

Warrior and Gilgamesh watched them go. Then, slowly, they turned back to face each other.

"So, you still want to fight for that sword?"

"…Not particularly…"

"Of course you don't! For that would mean you'd have to face the greatest swordsman in all the worlds!" And Gilgamesh laughed boastfully as he pushed past Warrior to claim the Excalibur knockoff. "Ha HA! Now I have the greatest sword in existence!"

Warrior, who had the real Excalibur, slapped his forehead with his palm.

"You okay there, buddy? You look like all of my awesome is making you uncomfortable!"

Warrior did not remove his hand. "…I need a goddamn drink…."

After a moment something hit his raised elbow. Glancing between his fingers, he saw a bottle of some form of liquor, held in the hand of none other than Gilgamesh.

"I'm in the mood to celebrate my victory. Care to join?"

"Is that stuff strong?"

"FOOL! Only the STRONGEST of alcohol can satisfy the great Gilgamesh!"

Warrior smiled sardonically. "Count me in."

And so began a friendship forged of wine, women, and song. Or something like that.