The battlefield on which we stand
can plummet quickly into a wasteland.
No one can save you in a desolate sun
because by then the battle has been won.
The battlefield we step onto without gloves
is none other than love's.
Of all of the people they put me against in the exam, they had to put me up against crybaby. I believe that's how I've gotten into this mess in the first place. The stupid domino effect, if you will. To believe in such stupid ideas is ridiculous (trust me, I know). It's like believing in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. Nevertheless, I just have to believe in this.
If I hadn't had to face him in the exam, our next meeting would have just felt like any other mission. It would have been a brief encounter with him. And then, I probably wouldn't have stayed with him outside the hospital room. And then, I never would have felt bad for him, and I wouldn't have wanted to help him. And then, when I heard that he was my guide, I wouldn't have gotten excited. And then, I wouldn't have loved his scent (which, by the way, is a mixture of freshly cut grass and a faint smell of a clean house). Then, I wouldn't have wanted to hold hour-long conversions with him. And then, I wouldn't have fallen in love.
See, I told you. I hate to admit it, but what other explanation is there? Fate...come on, fate and destiny sounds even more absurd. And even more stupid.
So, I blame other people for this stupid feeling. The churn in my stomach every time he looks at him with his lazy eyes. Those beautiful lazy eyes. Gosh, what am I even saying? This is so dumb. I don't think writing my feelings down and describing them is doing me any good. I mean, for real. What good is writing down feelings you will never act upon? It's pointless. It makes you vulnerable and weak...and, that is the one thing I can never be...EVER.
But now that I think about it, this journal has been me realize something: everyone has to fall in love at least once in their life...I don't understand life. Why can't I just kill everyone? And be alone and happy. That sounds good to me...actually, that sounds horrible now that I think about it.
I absolutely hate this journal, and I absolutely love him.
I'm headed to Konoha soon on official business so I know that he will be waiting for me at the gate. If he isn't, I'll kill him. Maybe, just maybe, I'll tell him. But what if he doesn't feel the same? What if I'm being stupid? What if I'm falling into the rules of the "guy theory" rule #1? Gosh, life is too complicated.
Oh great, now I sound like him.