`The nervous have no nerves

The selfish have no self-worth

The foolish are never actually fools

The timely can't control time

But the lovers actually possess love.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't always fond of him. Actually, at one point in our relationship (if you can call what we have a relationship) I hated him.

I know that many people consider hate to be a little harsh and a very strong word, but I really don't care. I'm going to use it anyways because I find the word loathe to be a bit overdramatic and the words strongly dislike to be too long to write out over and over again. I mean, just because I have to write and express myself in this thing does not mean I want to spend long amounts of time avoiding certain words that might not be politically correct. Do you catch my drift?

I hated him because he was one of the only people that had ever truly beaten me in a one-on-one matchup. Well, I mean outside of Gaara, and does he really count? No one can beat him. But the worst part of me losing to him was that our matchup had more to do with mental aspects than it did with brute force and strength. So, I just hated him for that. On top of that, he embarrassed me in front of my brothers, which are pretty much the only people I associate myself with. By the way, they have never let me live that loss down. So yeah, I hated him for that reason as well.

Unfortunately, when I look back on that matchup, I really don't have a chance against him. He controlled the shadows, and as the match went on, the shadows grew. He'd eventually have won one way or another. And I think that is why I decided that I was going to save him from flute girl. I wanted to show him I wasn't worthless and useless. I almost wanted to, what's the word, impress him. Not impress in a flirty way, but more along the lines of "I'm better than you think" ways.

But that was a really stupid move on my part because that's when I noticed them. His eyes gave off a slight twinkle when I smiled back at him when she was no longer moving. At that moment, I didn't hate him anymore. I could stand him. Anyways, he'd give me something to look at in Konoha.

I guess this notebook is all about bringing inner feelings up to the surface. Well, I hate my inner feelings. They are all loud and obnoxious. They can almost be compared to Naruto. These feelings make life so much more complicated than it needs to be. My inner feelings are the only explanation I can give for staying at the hospital with him that day. It's the only reason I have for feeling bad for him. For actually liking the fact that he cared so much for other human beings, and for wanting him to care that much about someone like me. That was the moment when I could more than stand him, and at that moment, I wanted to be his friend.

Shikamaru. When I saw that name in the letter the Hokage sent me that addressed who my guide during my stay would be, I knew exactly who he was. It had almost been two years since I last saw him and when he last saw me. I remember that letter for one reason and one reason only: the strange feeling that took over my stomach. It almost made me sick.

I had to sit down, and it wasn't because I was sick (even though I felt like it). Or because I was tired. It was because I knew. I had a crush on someone.

Now when you walk through the village long enough, you tend to eavesdrop on conversations, and by doing so, you learn things you otherwise would have never been exposed to. One of the things I learned was crushes. All of the other teenage girls socialized on a daily basis outside of one of the houses. They updated each other on crushes and boyfriends and the stupid drama that came with them.

So when I sat down, I went through their checklist in my head. Butterflies in the stomach. Check. Increased heart rate. Check. Being nervous about the next time you'll see him. Check. I realized then that I was screwed. That I liked someone I probably shouldn't.

Now I never really know when I started loving him. For that matter, when I started loving his little antics. It could have been that night we walked under the stars and talked until we reached the place I was staying at. It could have been during that Shoji match that he let me win, and I got mad at him for it. (He simply replied that he thought it would stop me from complaining about the fact that he never lost at Shoji.) It could have been when he invited me to lay with him under the clouds one day. I really don't know.

I just know that I have fallen for his lazy ass, and I don't think that there is anything I can do about it. There is that loss of control again. I hate it, by the way. Have I told you that already?

Anyways, this whole "love" thing isn't normally me. Unlike other girls, I train and I don't let guys get in my way. I am independent. And until recently, I have liked it that way. Stupid Nara. Why'd you have to come along? Oh well, it's too late now. By tomorrow, I'll see your wonderful (scratch that) face at the gates and I will start this whole "love" cycle all over again. Guess, I'll leave this journal on that note. And with this question: am I going crazy?