A/N: Sorry. Got sidetracked posting Initiated and forgot I already had this practically written. My bad. Meanwhile, Child's Play languishes. Never, ever, forget to write more than you've last posted. It's like leaving starter dough when making sourdough bread. You don't do it and you regret it because it makes the next batch really hard to do.
I'm afraid this one is missing what would have been a final review look through by me. Honestly? Major shit happening with family right now. Not terribly in the mood for humor, so, again, good thing 90% of this was already written down.
Chapter 9: Moon Reaver
.
"J'onn?-J'onn?-J'onn?-J'onn!-J'onn!-J'onn-J'onn-J'onN!-J'oNN!-J'ONN-J'ONN!-J'ONN!-J'ONN!"
Up in the Watchtower, the Martian Manhunter nearly choked on his Alpine-CoNutCake (well, technically it had been Wonder Woman's along with the rest of the boxes he'd found stashed in her closet) when the frantic voice shouted repeatedly into his consciousness. Having seen the inevitable coming like a freight train at an oil tanker on a mine field, he'd begun to 'mute' all incoming calls in advance...for all the good that did.
"A moment, Wallace. I am indisposed." (This was supposed to be his Respite-from-Flash-Headaches Hour, damn it.)
The steadily rising mental blare not only did not abate...it exponentially increased in volume, making him wince and reach for the pain-killing properties of chocolate-enhanced sugar. (Who knew The Speed Force could be utilized as a psychic amplifier by terrified velocity junkies?) Well, J'onn did. Now.
"JA-HAW-AH-AW-ON!"
(God of Fire, just take me now.) "Yes, Wallace?"
"J'onn! Finally! Did you know that you had the mental phone off the hook? Just how long does it take to use the Little Martian's room? I need an old song about a moon river asap! Can you beam the lyrics to my mind? C'mon,c'mon,c'mon,c'mon,hurry,hurry,hurry..."
"Wallace, I believe that 'beaming' entertainment pursuits constitutes an inappropriate use of Watchtower resources per the outlines dictated by League rule number..."
"Chocos! I'll get you chocos! More damned chocos than the whatever-it-is rule number Batz thought up! C'mon,c'mon,c'mon,c'mon,hurry,hurry,hurry..."
"Twenty-four-two-eight-B, nor am I a licensed satellite broadcast provider offering basic and/or premium channels and as such I can not be acquiescing to every whim that comes... "
"Twenty-four-two-eight... Seriously? Is there a decimal in there somewhere? Maybe after the zero?"
"At the end, Wallace. Only at the end." (The same location I'm at on that proverbial rope.)
Ah...that's...eh...that's a...lot. Chock-full-kind'a-lot. Have you considered the dangers of diabetes here? I mean, it's not a worry for me, naturally, but..."
"I am not susceptible to diabetes. Or hypoglycemia. Now if that is all, I must bid you goodbye..."
"Two-thousand and twenty-eight BellyBuster sized bags of chocos! All yours!"
J'onn swallowed. It was tempting. Very tempting. However...
"You are broke, Wallace."
"Why, thank you, J'onn my unsolicited personal accountant. Can we quibble-over-silly-details-like-that-later, please?"
"Goodbye, Wallace."
Okay-okay-okay! Next payday every single penny of mine goes towards chocolate-covered fake-fat J'onn kibble! But you'll have to be getting your own laxatives for after. Flash delivery has a weight limit."
"Would we be negotiating with Double fill or the quantity version of fake fat?"
"J'onn, stop trying to take advantage-"
Wally spotted Bruce (the civvies-wearing incognito version of The Goddamn Batman Who Liked Moon River which would be flowing with Wally's blood if Wally didn't get it right and now and-dear god!)
Wayne was at the threshold of a side room with Selina Kyle, alias The Suck-A-Bus, in tow. (And wasn't this whole thing with her last name just making him want to rethink his friendship with Raynor. Not that Kyle Raynor the Green Lantern had anything truly in common with a Suck-A-Bus seeing as the guy couldn't land a decent date even if he made a power ring construct of one.)
Bruce and Selina were kissing.
Kissing?
Bruce was letting Suck-A-Bus Selina kiss him?
On the lips?
Was he crazy? Didn't he realize what she was?
"Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the End of the World is nigh: The Batman has lost his mind. God help us all."
'Kay. He was going to think this out and not act impulsively irrational and zoom over there and hit her over the head with the champagne fountain thingee. He was going to strategize really, really, fast because the clock was ticking away the microseconds like little booms of doom and it looked hopeless; but he was going to think this out first because obviously the Suck-A-Bus was a wielder of demonic magic of extreme power because no way would the broody 'Mr. No-Man-Is-An-Island-Excluding-The Batman' be snogging a soul-stealing Suck-A-Bus of his own free will unless the world was on Tilt.
Logically, he must have already tried to get in contact with the League and failed because Diana was not here knocking Suck-A-Bus towards Pluto and J'onn was apparently clueless to the danger because he hadn't mentioned anything about any evil-demon-spawn-on-the-make and in the vicinity. Now here Bruce was without the benefit of his utility belt containing whatever Batman had for fending off Suck-A-Buses. Therefore Bruce Wayne was utterly defenseless against having his soul sucked out by a mystical vacuum cleaner with pouty lips.
So it was up to Wally West to save the Batman.
Which was as likely as Flash being given the keys to the batmobile to go pick up a loaf of bread for Alfred.
'I wonder if Dick will let me have the robot dinosaur after the reading of Bruce's will? And maybe a spare exploding batarang or other. Just for old memories.'
Gah! No bad selfish thoughts allowed!
Besides, he doubted a T-Rex would fit within the Saturnian Police spaceship carry-on luggage limit when he was carted off to the Asteroid belt even if he could argue that it was perfect for mining work: just look at what Fred Flintstone had been able to accomplish with a brontosaur.
Hold on...what if Bruce already knew 'Selina' was going to be at his party where he'd be most vulnerable? Knowing Batz, he'd have researched Suck-A-Buses on the Bat Computer beforehand and found a weakness that would knock the demoness on her pretty-danged-hot butt and thus save all the sex-starved men of Gotham City from dying happy.
'I meant from dying soulless. Not happy. Definitely not happy. No.
Okay, maybe kind'a happy.
A little.'
Darn. Why did evil have to be so tempting whenever it wore a dress?
Not to imply that Darkseid or Luthor would look better in a frock.
Ew!
If his brain kept up this kind of imagery he was going to go blind before puberty was fully kicked out of his system.
Anyway, Batz must know about Selina's more kinky side. Ergo...the lyrics of those 'special request' things were...most likely...pieces of some anti-magic, magical ritual incantation magicalness that had to be sung in order so as to keep demonic possessors from ascending into Gotham. Hell, this made so much sense it might well be the plot of a movie blockbuster (or at least something that had been shown on Mystery 3000 Theater!) It explained everything! Why else would Bruce want to make sure such utterly boring stuff was sung out loud where there was supposed to be entertainment flowing around people? It was part of The Caped Crusader's master plan to deliver the world from evil hot babes!
Stop! Stop. Already went down that thought avenue and he really shouldn't make a return trip right now even if it had been the scenic drive. Nope, what was important was that everything was going to be fine now because Batz was so brilliant. He had hired a musical group to sing the Anti-Suck-A-Bus magical incantations jigsaw puzzle for him!
Go, Batz!
(Dang, but Batman was always prepared for nigh every contingency. And they called Supes the Boy Scout? Batz was like the Grand-Master at Boy Scout Badge holding. They were probably all displayed in the Batcave trophy somewhere. He'd have to take a look after he was reincarnated.
'..."
Hopefully not as a Bat kid, because he'd hate to have Batz as his dad since it was hard enough getting dates during this lifetime.)
It was just a real bummer that the band's singer had gone and got himself smashed beforehand and really laid Batz's plan into the garbage heap even if he wasn't a famous speedster.
Of course this unforeseen snafu meant only one thing:
-Wally- was now, by default, the unexpected bottom-of the utility belt last-ditch savior of Batz and humanity.
Aw, dammit...when opportunity came knocking, it sure liked to go at it with a sledgehammer. Yes, he'd wished on the chicken bone he'd hacked up from his last McDougall snack for an opportunity to impress Batman, but that vindictive dead bird was being totally unreasonable here!
*sigh*
Everyone was always asking the impossible of him:
(Flash, don't take the pizza in the fridge marked 'Don't Take The Pizza, Flash Or So Help Me!')
(Flash, stop zipping through the channels so fast. That's three TV remotes you've fried since yesterday.)
(Flash, stop zoning out during meetings. At least don't do it while staring at Diana's breast plate. Maintenance says that having to dislodge you on a weekly basis is not doing that ventilation shaft any good.)
(Flash, save the world and Batz from a sultry Suck-A-Bus after his and every man's family jewels.)
Well. okay then.
He'd rescue everyone from a sex demon hell bent on sucking all the virile males like himself dry all...by himself with no help whatsoever. Why if you looked at the situation sideways it might even be mistaken for a no-lose scenario.
No problem.
None at all.
Simplicity itself.
Except he wasn't Batman nor had he the chance to research sex demons!
(Well, except for that one time Zatanna had left her magic book open. But that was just because the article and picture had looked so stimulating.
'I mean interesting.
As in 'the article being' interesting.
Because I am so not into drawings of raging hot demon babes with really big...yeah, and those...with the side order of...and..
You know, how bad could it actually be without your soul?
Crud.
Damned Suck-A-Bus was messing with his mind even at a distance.
Anyway, the point was that for all he knew, Suck-A-Buses were in the same category as vampires and zombies.
Holy arch supports...
What if once drained of his soul by a Suck-A-Bus, Bruce was turned into a rampaging Ink-U-Batz out to eat people's brains?
Sure, Wally would probably be safe as Bruce had always declared his gray matter to be of less than stellar quality, but what if he decided to start out with a comparison taste test...worst to best?
"Wallace? Are you still there?" J'onn asked.
"Triple fill! Two-thousand, twenty-four bags worth of TRIPLE FILL!"
There was a pause before the Martian's wistful thought came back to him.
"They make a Triple-Fill Choco?"
"I'll unscrew 'em and make them Triple! Really desperate here! I need that song! TRIPLE-FILL CHOCOS, J'ONN! Oh, man, my life has already passed before my eyes enough times that I can quote whole sections of the dialogue and it's not exactly Academy Award material because it's too darn short for even the Life-Action Short Film category and that's a clear sign that I'm too young to die at the hands of a a fanged zombified Incu-Bus-Batz who is after my brain!"
(Inku-whatsis? What by the gods of Mars and lunatic asylums was Flash on about now?) "I find that highly unlikely, Wallace."
"Hey, we've both got a Galactic Space Patrol guy who glows green because of a giant kerosene lamp and matching jewelry's phone number on our speed dial. I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt here?"
"Then it is a deal. I'll have to translate the words into English as best I can and fit them into the tune I hear them playing from your mind. Repeat after me."
"A gentleman's gentleman does not repeat that the rain in Spain lies mainly in the plain," Wally automatically responded before he could catch himself.
"Pardon?"
"Just pipe down those karaoke lyrics, J'onn."
"You know, Bruce, I'm not sure I'm familiar with that song. Granted, I'm still on the young and vigorous side of life, so maybe it's just too ancient and forgotten to recall..." Selina mused after she had initiated another kiss from the man on her arm. Well, the man currently holding her arm in a death grip. Not that she minded. She'd even accept handcuffs as long as it wasn't followed by a trip to jail.
"The hell was this?" Bruce stared at the stage where the singer was...singing something really odd and unexpected.
"Moon Reaver, damn your sorry hide,
Your thievery will end one day.
Oh Moon Taker, you scummy raker,
We'll wrest our third satellite back some day...
Two drifters lonely for their sister,
Shining brighter than-"
Tim had a 'what-the-fuck' expression on his face. "Dick...I thought the next song was going to be..."
"It was," Dick nearly moaned and for once in his long career considering drinking while on the job. Oh the heck, why not? This situation warranted it, didn't it? Because this had really been a bad idea. He pulled out a can of Booster soder and started guzzling it down.
"Oh," Tim played with his fingers as his older almost-a-sibling let out a noise of distress. "Dick?"
"Yeah?" Richard responded with a whimper.
"This was really a bad idea." He paused. "Don't take this wrong, but...if someone you love ever seems in the dumps some day in the future...a greeting card will suffice." He recoiled from Nightwing's scowling regard. "Hey, just saying. Don't forget I'm the innocent kid here."
Wally was getting the feeling something was not quite right. It could be the what-the-fuck expressions on people's faces. He pretended to have a coughing fit in order to share his concerns.
"Uh...J'onn?"
"Yes, Wallace?"
"Are you sure these are the right lyrics?"
"Quite positive, Wallace. M'eune R'evr was on the Top 20 charts for several Sol rotations when a popular writer of fiction postulated that the third moon of Mars was stolen from us by the Earth millions of years ago."
"Well, far be it from me to question it, but it's only that my audience is looking at me funny..."
Wait...by Earth? "J'onn, you're having me sing something from an ancient Martian Hit Parade?"
"You had specifically asked for an old song, Wallace; plus, I did mention I needed to translate it from the original."
"I thought you meant from the original French or something!"
"There was no advanced stipulation as to a point of origin. Besides, it is a beautiful romantic song dealing with the loneliness of Phobos and Deimos after Earth wooed away their lovely sister R'evr from Mar's gravitational-"
Wally tuned him out just long enough to check on Bruce Wayne's situation.
Thank goodness! Suck-A-Bus and Bruce had disengaged lip lock and were now moving towards his direction.
Well, that wasn't necessarily a good development. In fact, you could call it downright sucky because if she had Batz under her thrall then she was probably coming over here for dessert.