Man and Elf

Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl

Summary: Holly takes the news of her marriage a little better than expected.

Artemis hit the on switch to his computer so hard it almost hit back. The usual brisk start up sequence which had Artemis marveling at his skill now seemed to take an eternity. Artemis didn't even wait for all of his screens to blink into life he plunged right into the video call system that linked his computer to Holly's phone and helmet. A window popped up on the screen in front of him. A golden acorn spun in the center of it while gnommish text scrolled along the bottom of the screen reading 'your call is being transferred'

"Dammit Holly pick up" Artemis yelled on the texts fifth journey across the bottom of the window. Barely 20 seconds later the waiting screen disappeared to be replaced with a view of Holly's miniscule bedroom and then Holly appeared wrapped in a towel dripping and scowling. And for a few moments all Artemis could do was stare at the way the water clung to Holly's skin. And why shouldn't he stare, he thought to himself, she was after all his wife. Then he remembered, she was his wife.

"Artemis this had better be good I had to dive from the shower!" Holly announced running a hand savagely through her auburn hair pushing the dripping locks back from her eyes causing Artemis to stare again as a few errant drops fell from her hair down her shoulders and into the incline between her covered breasts. He swallowed and continued, slightly shakily it had to be said. Damn hormones

"I apologize for the interruption but I assure you I would not have called were this not of the utmost importance" He said.

"What have you done now?" Holly asked her eyes reflecting the steeliness in her voice.

"I have done nothing, really Holly must you always think the worst of me?" Artemis asked. Holly gave him a look that clearly said 'let's review past incidents on which you have called me and find what the common trend is shall we?'

"Okay Artemis why have you called me?" She said finally. Her gaze still holding a large amount of skepticism

"Barely ten minutes ago I revived a letter informing me that" Artemis paused to take a deep breath and steel himself.

"We were Married by No1"

"Oh yeah...that" Holly said in a tone far more casual and even slightly guiltier than Artemis felt the situation required. Then he registered what she had said

"Oh yeah that, OH YEAH THAT?" He cried. Holly's face now held the look of a child who had been caught with their hand in the Biscuit tin.

"I was going to tell you" She said sheepishly

"You knew!"

"Of course I knew. The Council have raked poor No1 across the coals for it." Artemis felt instantly sorry for the Demon Warlock. No1 was a sensitive creature and a good friend, he hadn't meant for the repercussions of his little joke to be so far reaching and he certainly didn't deserve to be punished by the Fairy Council for it.

"How is he?" Artemis asked.

"Well he can't stop apologizing to me and he's terrified you'll hate him" Holly said. Artemis sighed.

"No I don't hate him" He said before.

"Why didn't you tell me you knew about this! Holly we're married! Married! I'm your husband, you're my wife!"

"Yes that's generally how marriage works" The elf shrugged casually and Artemis suddenly understood why the majority of teachers at St Bartleby's were going bald and it had nothing to do with aging.

"Captain, Holly I don't think you're quite grasping the severity of this situation" He said forcing his voice to remain steady through gritted teeth when in reality he wanted to grab the screen and shake it, well he really wanted to shake Holly but she was a few miles underground.

"Oh no I get it. We're married, I'm your wife your my husband for better or for worse and all of that" Holly said giving another shrug.

"But we can't be married I'm only sixteen!"

"Actually you're eighteen and since when have you stuck to the legal age on anything?"

"If I didn't know any better Captain I'd think you were happy with the fact that we're married" Artemis said suspiciously.

"Well I'm not unhappy about it"

"And why would that be?" Artemis asked delicately yet with an underlying hardness in his voice. Imagining each word like ascending notes on a piano. Holly squirmed just a little bit under his gaze

"The tax benefits are Incredible!" She blurted suddenly.

"My annual income's gone up by thirty percent, purely because of tax cuts! Can you believe that? And do you have any idea how many boneheads I don't have to deal with now that I'm married? It's like I've got a sign above my head that says 'Off the Market Don't Even Bother'! It's great, before I had to deal with all kinds of idiots wanting to get bragging rights! Also now when I complain about you it's not just that I'm still sore about the kidnapping and you being a manipulative bastard at the best of times no offense of course, I'm now a wife complaining about her husband which aside from being perfectly socially acceptable, opens up so many more channels" Holly finished taking a deep breath. After a few seconds processing what he had just heard and trying to translate some of the faster bits Artemis managed to say.

"None taken"

"Also uh, when you die I get everything, unless it's in your will, of course" Holly added. Artemis spluttered.

"When I die?" He demanded

"Well yes, you're probably going to die before me and when you do as your wife I inherit everything"

"What if I don't die before you?"

"Well then you get everything I have, it works both ways you know"

"No Holly it doesn't! How does this arrangement in any shape or form work both ways? As far as I can tell you're the one getting all the benefits while I get nothing."

"Well that's not strictly true, you get citizenship" Holly said Artemis blinked, citizenship? That sounded promising.

"So I am now...?"

"...officially a member of The People."

"Full citizenship? I get all the rights of any other fairy" Artemis could not stop a vampiric grin from spreading across his face. Not that he was really trying. Holly sighed. She was going to regret this

"Yes Artemis Full citizenship for all legal purposes you are now a Fairy" you could almost see the gears turning in Artemis' brain, all new worlds were unfolding before his eyes. There was so much he could do with Fairy Citizenship. Maybe being married to Holly Short wasn't such a bad thing. He gave a warm smile (well as warm as he could manage) to Holly.

"Have a nice day at work dear" He said.

STORY NOTES

Message system: In 'The Lost Colony' It is revealed that Holly and Artemis have a sort of video phone that they quite often talk to each other on. In 'The Time Paradox' we are told they also have a colour coded message system. I imagine video phones to be quite common if not the norm in Fairy Society.

Common trends: Anyone who has read the books knows what Artemis' calls to Holly usually involve. It isn't free cake or walks in the park.

Legality: Eighteen is the Legal age of Marriage in the Republic of Ireland. Artemis never sticks to age limits anyway.

Citizenship: It is a well known fact that most countries give instant citizenship to anyone who marries a citizen of that country. For example my mother recieved New Zealand citizenship when she married my father. But some countries don't offer this. My father for example did not recieve Zimbabwean citizenship when he married my mother.

Anyway that's all for now I hope you are enjoying this series so far if you are, or even if you aren't I'd love to hear from you. I accept critism just please be constructive and polite.

Ari out!