Author's Note: Hey everyone! Uhm, long time no see, eh? /shot. WELL. Have some HP stuff to keep you entertained. On a side note! Two things; 1. If you have not already done so, check out my Dreamwidth account. It's Lickskillet(dot)Dreamwidth(dot)com. 2. I start college in less than a week! I'm sorry, but that might mean some major delays. Or it may mean an amazing onslaught of creative juices. You never know.
Try as hard as he might, there was no way that Remus could stay angry with Sirius. Within a week following their hallway pre-Quidditch screaming match, Remus woke up and, with startling clarity, realized that he was no longer furious with the other boy. He could only bring up vague feelings of irritation, but even those emotions were blunted along the edges with affection. Sirius was well known for running his mouth and not taking the time to put a mental filter in place. It'd gotten him in trouble before, and Remus knew that this would hardly be the last time.
Unfortunately, he couldn't bring himself to apologize. No matter how much he wasn't angry with Sirius, Sirius was still angry with him, and until he was able to drop his side of the grudge, there'd be no getting through to him. How could Remus apologize? What he'd done had been right. James and Sirius had only just finished their detention with Slughorn, and while the house leader wasn't known for being mean, detention was still detention, even more so to free spirits like those two.
However, with a full moon only two weeks away, Remus knew that there had to be some sort of apology-and-acceptance moment, or he'd be facing an abandoned shack in the middle of winter. As it was, there was a trip to Hogsmeade scheduled the next day, and Remus was banking on the out-of-school trip to break the ice enough as to allow for words to be said, and friendships to be mended.
Sirius didn't know what to do, really. He'd never really been mad at the sorry git… He and James had been the ones to start things up, and Remus hadn't truly done anything wrong. When he put himself up for the role of Prefect, he'd known exactly what he was in for. In a way, Sirius supposed he was proud of his scrawny mate, who'd gone from a cowering, withdrawn mess to a brave, bold young man willing to face the consequences of doing what's right. It was somewhat saddening, to watch his fledgling fly. Even as he gave himself a mental slap across the face at such a sappy thought, he knew it to be true. He wasn't ready for Remus to be his own person, to be able to handle himself, to be able to stand up to his peers and friends. Remus no longer needed him.
Sitting at his desk, trying in vain to transform a slab of wood into an intricate china tea-serving tray – although, honestly, he wasn't even really working at it – Sirius berated himself for such a cold thought. Of course Remus needed him. He needed Sirius, and James, and even ol' Pete. Every full moon he needed them, and every morning after. Every week building up, as he grew restless and angry and anguished and the self-loathing began to build a fire in his gut. Every time, he came to Sirius. At the end of the day, Remus and Sirius were similar- so much more similar than he and James, actually. Sirius knew what it was to hate your very essence. To know exactly the parts of you that you love and the parts that you hate; to wish with all your might that you could just reach inside and pull, or point a wand and obliterate. They'd grown up with lives so different, but each spinning on that same pin-point spot, so they had come together like rogue magnets, finding each other against all odds, attracting because of similarities, not differences.
To say that Remus needed Sirius was to say that the plants required sturdy soil and constant care from Mother Nature to live. To say that Sirius required Remus to function was to ask if the oceans needed the moon to pull and push them. He couldn't truly see it, but sometimes the profoundness of it would overcome him in a wave that left him panting, the vastness so close but not quite attainable- still out of his grasp, just right outside his reach.
So, of course, Sirius felt like a horrendous arsehole every time he and Remus were in the same room and didn't speak- every time they passed and didn't nod, or smile. Every time they sat at their same spots at the table, James and Peter trying so hard to bridge the gap and Sirius playing stubborn codger, cocking up every chance he had to say a simple sorry.
And then, a light at the end of his tunnel of po-faced misery came the trip to Hogsmeade.
He would make things right with Remus. He just had to.
There wasn't a student on campus that didn't love Hogsmeade. Although, Snivelly most likely had decided that it was a bah-humbug worthy excursion, knowing how sour and depressing that boy was.
The previous night, a thin layer of white powder had dusted the grounds, leaving everything under a perfect canvas, which slowly began to be dotted by footprints headed into the local town.
Although relations had been stressed, the four Marauders chose to go to Hogsmeade together. Peter and Remus had moved farther ahead, exiting the main gates from Hogwarts, leaving James and Sirius behind.
"Please tell me you're going to be doing something today, Sirius." James hissed as soon as the other boys were out of earshot.
"As a matter of fact, I did, Jamesy, and I don't need you pestering me. This is a delicate project."
"Delicate is right! What in bloody Hell were you thinking anyway? Calling Remus off and mocking his lycanthropy!" James jabbed, his words harsh and cutting.
"I was stupid and angry, James. What else do you want? What else does he want?" The final comment was muttered in Remus' general direction as Sirius scanned and found the other boy in the crowd, a grungy gray scarf pulled tight about his shoulders and face. "So yes, I'm going to grovel and admit that I'm the biggest berk ever to walk the halls of Hogwarts, and I didn't mean a word, and yadda yadda. Are you pleased now, Mother? I do promise to make up with brother dearest and never ever fight with him ever again."
"Merlin but you're cheeky this morning," James grumbled dryly, looking away over the expanse of glittering white. "Go. Go serenade our Remus and make him love you again. I'm going to sway Lily into not hating with all the contents of her guts."
With a lovely mental image to play behind his eyes, Sirius grunted in reply and pulled his long coat tighter, popping up the collar and marching through the snow, leaving empty footprints in his wake.
oOo
Of course the moment Sirius had taken his eyes off of Remus, the other wizard had all but disappeared. He passed by Peter, who had stopped to speak with some unassuming Hufflepuff girl - and she actually appeared to be somewhat into him. It was equal parts heartwarming and slightly nauseating. When that lead had ended up going nowhere – Peter just was able to confirm that Remus had gone into Hogsmeade, but that was nothing Sirius couldn't determine for himself – he continued to follow the crowd, hoping he'd run into the other boy eventually.
He started at The Three Broomsticks, merely poking a head in and looking across the patrons, but was unable to find Remus among the crowd. Meandering down the road – and throwing a passing glance down the trodden path leading to The Shack – Sirius continued to search. There weren't many students out of the streets, most huddled inside the stores, keeping out of the cold if not buying as much as their pockets could hold.
It was in front of Honeydukes that Sirius finally found Remus, hunched shoulders up nearly to his ears, bony hands shoved deep in his pockets, ratty scarf pulled up across his chin and mouth. His eyes were glued to the window, looking past the display to the lot of students inside. There was something warm and happy to his face; something yearning and yet taking pleasure in the pleasure of others. Such a Remus face to make, and Sirius felt his chest tighten as he realized this was the first time he'd been able to look at Remus like this since their stupid, stupid fight. He cleared his throat.
"Ah, Remus…" As Sirius spoke, Remus spun around, hands pulling free from his pockets and scarf falling away from his face. His startled exhale created a plume of thin white cloud, which quickly spiraled upwards and disappeared. Without the scarf, Sirius could see how his face and nose were bright red from the cold, his lips pale and cracked.
"Sirius," Remus replied, brows flat and mouth pulled into a tight line. His voice wasn't exactly cold, but it wasn't the warmth that Sirius was used to hearing.
"Before you get angry, please, just listen."
Surprisingly enough, Remus' tense shoulders slumped immediately, his angry face transforming into the Remus that Sirius knew so well.
"Well, go ahead."
"First of all, Remus… I'm not sorry I hexed Snape," Sirius murmured, bracing for the anger. Instead, all he got was a tired sigh as Remus leaned his shoulder against the windowpane of Honeydukes, and thrust his chin out gently in a sign to continue. "I mean… I understand that it wasn't too nice of me, yeah, but I'll stand by James to the end, and Sniv—and Snape knew what was coming his way when he threw that first hex."
"I… Shite, I hate to say this, Sirius – and you're going to use it against me someday, Merlin do I know it – but that's something I can respect. I don't—" Remus paused, looking out over the snow and away from Sirius with such a ferocious gleam in his eyes that Sirius felt himself quiver. "Well, you know how I feel about the whole Snape thing," he finished, shrugging and looking back at Sirius. "But. You're a stubborn git and you didn't really hurt him. Anyway, you have more to add?"
Sirius stood there, stunned. Remus wasn't going to rail on him for attacking Snape? He even managed to not sound like a total arsehole when he asked if Sirius still had more to say. Instead, he managed to sound genuinely curious, like he was sorry he'd interrupted.
"I. Uh, yeah. Second of all, you need to know, Remus, that I didn't mean a single thing I said about you and your… lycanthropy." Remus flinched, bodily. "You know me, Remus. I say stupid things. I'm not excusing myself, but I'm simply reminding you." He smiled winningly, but Remus still stared at him with vacant eyes. "Please, Remus, believe me. I understand that this isn't easy for you, and I understand that I'll never really understand. I just… It's like, when I'm having an argument with someone, my brain goes right for their weak spot and twists a knife in. I don't think you're any more fun when the full moon comes on. I know that you're scared of it, of how you're not you, and I. I'm sorry. I truly, really am."
Christ, if that wasn't the most buggered apology ever delivered by anyone ever. Sirius screwed his mouth up in embarrassment, wrinkling his nose and narrowing his eyes at his own feet.
"Sirius… On Halloween, when you came with me to The Shack, did you. I mean… did you heal that cut on my neck?"
Sirius started, his gaze shooting up to meet Remus'.
"Ah. Uh. Yeah, yeah I did. You just had a little scrape, but there was all this shite in there, and I thought, since it was so small…" He clamped his mouth shut a moment, stopped his rambling. "Yes, Remus, I did."
Remus sighed, ran a hand back through his straw hair, puffing out his cheeks as he exhaled.
"We're in a deep bloody mess, Sirius, you know that?" To be honest, Sirius didn't really get it – well, there was the whole illegal animagi thing, and the 'most of the world wants werewolves dead' thing, but it wasn't anything they couldn't handle. Suddenly, Remus' face broke into a small, closed-lip smile. "Anyway, how about you buy me some chocolate, and we call it even?"
Sirius laughed then, laughed hearty and loud, and it felt so much less cold and scary now that Remus wasn't mad at him. There was something so much worse about everything when he and Remus weren't running smoothly. He acquiesced, grabbing hold of Remus' hand and pulling him inside, momentarily shocked by how cold the other boy's hands were, before he was being yanked over to a container of chocolate frogs.
oOo
Once they'd stocked up on enough chocolate to choke a hippogryph, Sirius convinced Remus to head over to The Three Broomsticks. By some sheer stroke of luck, they arrived in tandem with James and Peter, so the four of them sat at a booth and sipped Butterbeer until they could feel their fingers, as well as a warm fluttering sensation in their stomachs.
Sirius was tucked in beside Remus, their bodies pressed close due to the size of the booth. Gradually, Sirius could feel a change in Remus' body temperature, from freezing to lukewarm to toasty, and could simultaneously feel how he began to relax, his spine loosening as he leaned forward unto his elbows to discuss something animatedly with Peter; probably something school related. As for himself, Sirius was being subjected to a play-by-play of what James had managed to get into with Lily.
"I walked with her all the way to the entrance of town, mate, and she never glowered at me or hit me or hexed me or… or anything!" James' face was aglow with more than just the warmth of the Butterbeer, his limbs loose as he all but laid his face against the slightly sticky wood of the tabletop. "It was Heaven, Sirius. I could look her right in the eye and she didn't hate me, for a moment. She almost laughed at something I said, too! …Or she might have been laughing at me almost falling on my face when I tripped over some twig buried under the snow. Either way!"
Sirius smiled of his own accord, feeling some of his friend's joviality seep under his skin. He could relate, if only somewhat.
"Oh, but then-" James' face crumpled, before changing into a frightening mask of hatred. Even Peter and Remus seemed to sense it; Sirius could see Remus putting a hand out to shut Peter up, the two of them turning to watch and listen. "I was just walking with her, yeah? I was just walking. And then we come into Hogsmeade, just on the other side of the station tracks, and there's Severus."
The name was like a curse, like a hex, thrown from James' lips with such fury that he spat across the table. Some part at the back of Sirius' mind told him this wasn't a healthy response.
"I didn't even really see him at first. I was telling Lily something, and she was eating it up, smiling and nodding and then I see her turn and she stops, so I stop, and there he is. She waves and the grotty bugger, he smiles and then he sees I'm there – oh, you lot should have seen how he turned positively purple. Then his face just changes, smooth and slimy as a snake, and he's neutral."
"I try and get back Evans' attention, but she turns to me and says, so sweet, 'Excuse me, James,' and she called me James, not Potter, or any sort of the names she's called me before, so of course I let her go. I watch her, make sure that ol' Snivellus doesn't try anything, and just as I turn to go, I hear footsteps coming up behind me, fast. Now, I think it's Snape, yeah, trying to lay a hex on me with my back turned, so I whip around, but it's Lily."
James paused, looking out across the room, sitting up and squaring his shoulders; his eyes that are usually so warm and playful were suddenly so cold that Sirius became afraid. He glanced sideways at Remus, nudged their knees together, but Remus just stared at James, face tight with worry.
"She looks at me, and I can see she's miffed. She raised her hand and smacked me, flat across the cheek, and spat out some choice words, and my name somewhere in there, and 'Leave poor Severus alone, for Merlin's sake!' and then she stomped back over to him. And then. Then! She goes over to him, and over her shoulder, he gives me this look- this- Merlin! I just want to-!"
There was a tense silence for many long minutes, waiting for James to come back to himself, watching the other boy heave and hiss his breaths through tight lips. Against his instincts, Sirius could feel a hot seed of venom growing in his stomach.
"Oi, Prongs, don't worry. We'll get that sorry sod, don't you worry." Sirius promised, smiling and reaching out to clap James on the shoulder.
On the edge of the booth seat, Remus slumped forward and gave a bodily sigh, but Sirius was already leaning bodily over the table to begin planning their revenge on the greasy-haired insect known as Severus Snape.
oOo
Two and half butterbeers later, Sirius was no closer to finding a way to get good, solid revenge on Snape. James was running in circles mentally, trying hard to find something, but he was just too involved; he would've gone for Snape's head on a stake, if he'd been able to go for it. As it was, Peter kept being a tiny voice of reason, and when Sirius felt he couldn't take it anymore, he turned to Remus.
"Hey, Rem, what do you think? There's got to be some-" Sirius stopped short.
Remus was gone.
"Bloody hell! Where's he gone off to?" he exclaimed, jerking his head towards the exit, and across the room. When had he gone? What the hell was he thinking, going off on his own?
"Sirius, mate, calm down," James said, voice low and probably supposed to be comforting or calming. "I'm pretty sure Remus can take care of his own arse."
Sirius took a breath, hearing the logic in James' words. But something isn't right- something he can't put his finger on. And then he sees it, tucked between the cushions from where Remus must have been sitting on them – his scarf, and his gloves, both gray and worn.
"That git!" he hissed, snatching the items up and pushing his way across the seat, leaving his butterbeer unfinished and ignoring outcries from James and Peter as he pushed his way through the crowds and out into the blistering cold.
A biting wind had whipped up, razor sharp across his exposed cheeks and making his eyes water. The light layer of powder had been whipped up, making it nearly impossible to see more than a few feet in every direction.
After getting his bearings, Sirius hunched his shoulders and pushed against the wind towards Honeydukes. There was no one outside, save for a few stragglers scrambling to find someplace warm to hide in, and a few students braving the walk back to school grounds. There was no sign of Remus, not even inside Honeydukes, and old Honeyduke himself couldn't say that he'd seen Remus since both he and Sirius had been in his shop almost an hour prior.
"Sodding bastard," Sirius yelled to the wind, the sound lost in the freezing flurry of snow. There were only so many places that Remus would go, he knew, so he stopped, took a few breaths, stuck his hands into his armpits, and thought. If he were Remus, where would he go? He clearly wanted to be alone, seeing as he'd snuck off to who-the-Hell-knew-where without saying a thing to Sirius, or anyone else.
"The Shack!" he exclaimed, and the idea was so obvious that he was tempted to smash his head against a nearby lamp pole. He doubled back, running and breathing in the glacial air and feeling it coat his lungs in ice; felt his nose running and stinging; blinked away the tears that rushed to his eyes. He was fighting the elements, and he knew it. And somewhere out there, so was Remus.
When he'd found his way to the dirt path leading off to the Shrieking Shack, fighting hard to work against the howling wind. Offhandedly, he wondered if anyone would even be able to hear the bells of Hogwarts calling everyone home.
The Shack loomed into his vision suddenly and without warning; one minute, all he could see was white- the next, there it was, its wood gray and fraying, an audible groan escaping every time the wind blew.
There wasn't a single door or window on the first story – although Remus had managed to rip a few holes in the walls along the second floor – so Sirius hurried to the front wall and withdrew his wand, tapping it gently against the rotting wood and waiting impatiently as the boards split apart under his touch, allowing him entrance. It was a trick he and James had perfected to allow them entry should they need it, a sort-of backup plan. He'd never needed it before, but he was thankful for it now.
"Remus?" Sirius yelled, pulling the scarf and gloves from his pockets. "Remus, you sorry pisser! Where the Hell are you?"
The bottom floor was vacant, which left only the upstairs room that Remus tended to favorite for his transformations. Sirius took the stairs two at a time, shouting Remus' name as he reached the landing. Cautiously, he padded across the hallway and into the first room.
There stood Remus, over by a window that he'd magicked into an actual, working one. The shutters were thrown open wide, the windowpane pushed open, letting in an onslaught of freezing air when the wind chose to blow into the room. There was a fine dusting of snow across Remus' chest and shoulders and hair and eyelashes, as well as across the floor by his feet.
"Remus! Blimey, you git!" Sirius was shouting, even though there wasn't more than six feet between them. As he approached, it seemed as if Remus had only just realized that Sirius was there. He turned around, slowly, blinked, the action dislodging millions of tiny flakes of snow in a cascade down his face. His eyes, instead of being their typical brown, seemed brighter, warmer, like copper and caramel, burning under the surface.
"Remus?" Sirius stopped, holding out Remus' scarf and gloves. "C'mon, mate, you're going to lose your fingers in this freeze."
Remus nodded, after a long, tense quiet, and reached out and pulled on his gloves before wrapping his scarf around his face.
"Why'd you run off like that, Remus? You- it's not like you to forget stuff like that, you know?" Sirius laughed. "You're smarter than that, Moony."
"So're you and Prongs," Remus snapped back, seeming to come back to life.
"I- Excuse me?"
"You two, sitting there-!" Remus threw up his hands, plunked them down on the windowsill and leaned out, a pale figure dressed in black and grey against the pure white. "I just don't understand, Sirius. I get it, Snape is in Dark Arts, and he's Slytherin, and he and James got off on the wrong foot. But you don't need to… He doesn't need to! The sooner you realize that, the better."
"Oh come on, Remus, don't be like that! It's not like anyone else likes him anyway. Besides, he always curses James first. He threw that first punch, we're just finishing the fight."
Remus turned to face him, and the look on his face was so disappointed, so sad, so goddamn condescending, that something in Sirius snapped.
"Why are you suddenly so eager to help Snivelly, huh?" he bristled, spitting out the words and throwing himself forward. "Back in the beginning, you were giving us ideas, standing in the wings, researching. Now you just stand by and pretend that never happened?"
"Sirius, we're going in circles!" Remus shouted, launching off his perch and whipping around. There was something in the movement, the way Remus' hair moved, the lines of his body, the look in his eyes that made Sirius' heart rush. "I just don't want you lot to get in any more trouble, Padfoot. We've got two more years, and then we're home free. I just- you need to… I need you-" He stopped, and Sirius could see his face grow redder. "The sooner James realizes this, the better. I'm just so tired, Sirius. I'm going to step down on the Snape thing. But I just want you to be safe, okay? Okay, Pads?"
Sirius stared. Speaking, Remus had been very animated; vibrant with his cause, and his emotions were out and on the chopping block. It was such a rare thing – something restricted to fights, or moments in private. There was something about Remus this was that Sirius could not say no to. If it was this important to him, what was Sirius to say about it?
"Alright, Rem. I'll be safe." He promised, reaching out and putting a hand on Remus' shoulder. "I can't make any promises for Prongs, though. He's stubborn as a mule, and dug in deep."
"I know," Remus sighed, but his next words were cut off with the sound of Hogwarts' bells.
"They must be magic," Sirius mused, turning to the doorway. "To make them so loud over this weather?"
"What in Hogwarts isn't magic, Sirius?" Remus muttered, and gave a mighty shiver. Sirius gave a put-upon sigh, smiled, and wrapped an arm around Remus' shoulder. As they reached the bottom of the stairs, Sirius removed his arm from Remus' shoulders to tap his wand against the wall. Just as the doorway finished arranging itself, he felt a gentle squeeze of a hand around his elbow. He turned, and there was Remus, only he was much too close— his eyes, up close, were really something to marvel at. As he pushed the thought from his mind, Sirius made to push back, but suddenly Remus was leaning forward, and then- they kissed.
Remus tapped his lips lightly against Sirius', clinging to the cloth at his elbow as if it kept him from falling from a broom to his death. Not five seconds later he lurched back, to see Sirius wide-eyed and slack-jawed.
"Ah- Remus…?" Remus dropped Sirius' coat like a hot coal, stepping back and around the other teen, and disappearing into the snow.