The complaint about The Horde
*Okay, here's the next rant. It's about the Horde this time, so there's more to complain about. Anyway, enjoy.*
Caleb was already dressed by the time Sylvanas had awoken from her slumber. She shifted a little in her bed, trying to fall asleep once more. Her mind was still worn out after having her quim spasm in ecstasy five times by Caleb's cock. Gathering the rest of his things, he glanced once more at the undead, but beautiful, leader of the Forsaken. He didn't like it, but he had to do what he planned to do. Despite what he promised to Sylvanas, he had to continue his speeches. It wasn't his will to do so, but it had to be done nonetheless. She herself said she didn't care, for the undead function quite differently from the living. Maybe she was right; maybe not. Anyways, it was time to defame the Horde itself. Caleb quietly chanted a teleportation spell, and in a flash, he was gone, leaving the Banshee Queen to her sleep.
Caleb was now in Nagrand. He proceeded towards a small cave on his right, believing this place to be the location of his next speech. He believed correctly, for he saw what were about two-hundred members of the Alliance, people of many races (Night Elves, Humans, Dwarves, etc.), sitting near the stage, conversing amongst themselves about whatever they fancied. When they saw Caleb, they started to cheer. Caleb, now leaning on the podium, waved for his audience to calm down, as he cracked his neck, preparing himself for the torrent that was about to be unleashed. After staring intently at the audience for a few moments, he began.
"I've been doing a lot of meditating and praying lately, and this has helped me collect my thoughts and organize them into the speech you're about to hear. To begin at the beginning, The Horde's hysteria-producing rantings are sufficient to give pause to the less thoughtful among us. "Oh, oh," such people think. "We'd better help The Horde turn positions of leadership into positions of complacency—just in case." While I don't know The Horde's secret plans, I do know that every festival that The Horde attends rapidly degenerates into a free-for-all of slam dancing and scattered fistfights. As an interesting experiment, try to point this out to it. (You might want to don high-level plate armor first.) I think you'll find that The Horde recently went through a mysticism phase in which it tried repeatedly to regiment the public mind as much as an army regiments the bodies of its soldiers. In fact, I'm not convinced that this phase of it has entirely passed. My evidence is that people sometimes ask me why I seem incapable of saying anything nice about The Horde. I'd like to—really, I would. The problem is, I can't think of anything nice to say. I guess that's not surprising when you consider that if you read between the lines of The Horde's philippics, you'll surely find that The Horde's trained warriors believe that The Horde can ignore rules, laws, and truces without repercussion. It should not be surprising that they believe this, however. As we all know, minds that have been so maimed that they believe that two wrongs make a right can believe anything, especially if it's false.
The Horde is not only deceitful, but it also lacks the self-control necessary to conform its behavior to reasonable norms. Despite The Horde's evident lack of grounding in what it's talking about, if it were up to The Horde, aspiring children would be taught reading, 'riting, and racism. At first blush, it appears that The Horde's brethren form a morbid organization devoted to harassment and barratry. However, I support those who devote their life to education and activism. It is through their tireless efforts that people everywhere are learning that that fact is simply inescapable to any thinking man or woman. "Thinking" is the key word in the previous sentence.
The Horde insists that every word that leaves its leader's mouth is teeming with useful information. Sorry, Horde, but, with apologies to my former master, Eric Grinwold, "it ain't necessarily so." Where does the line get drawn? The Horde offers two reasons as to why it does the things it does "for its children". It argues that (1) it is an organization of peace, and (2) it would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform a venom-spouting act. These arguments are invalid for the following reasons: First, it distresses me deeply that its oppressive companions can cast votes that count just as much as mine. For that reason, statements like, "The Horde should stop and savor life, not palm off our present situation as the compelling ground for worldwide tribalism" accurately express the feelings of most of us here. The Horde is crazier than a drugged up troll witch doctor. Well, that's a bit too general of a statement to have much meaning, I'm afraid. So let me instead explain my point as follows: The Horde accuses me of being offensive whenever I state that in the near future, its bromides will create a mass psychology of fear about an imminent Alliance threat. This may sound harsh, but the fact remains that the spectrum of views between nativism and voyeurism is not a line but a circle at which selfish, ophidian cult leaders and jealous twaddlers meet. To properly place The Horde somewhere in that spectrum one needs to realize that I consider The Horde's accusations antithetical to my principles as a person concerned for the good of all. That's something you won't find in your local mailbox because it's the news that just doesn't fit."
He paused for some air and to collect the emotions of his audience. They were clearly enjoying this. Stretching a bit, he decided to rest a little on the podium before starting once more. His time with Sylvanas had clearly taken a lot out of him. She made him orgasm at least six times. After that, Caleb lost count. Clearing his throat, he continued.
"The Horde's bloodthirsty brutes are unified under a common goal. That goal is to break up society's solidarity and cohesiveness. However, I want to unify our community. The Horde, in contrast, wants to drive divisive ideological wedges through it. The Horde feels obligated to erect a screen of flatulent verbiage to hide the real world from its victims. (Actually, my efforts to analyze The Horde's stratagems in the manner of sociological studies of mass communication and persuasion lead The Horde to pray for my effacement as fervently as I pray for its, but that's not important now.) You may make the comment, "What does this have to do with detestable deadbeats?" Well, once you begin to see the light you'll realize that it would be a semantic quibble to deny that The Horde's gofers are heartless, fickle theologasters (literally!). So let The Horde call me hypersensitive. I call it irascible.
If my memory serves me correctly, unlike The Horde, when I make a mistake I'm willing to admit it. Consequently, if—and I'm bending over backwards to maintain the illusion of "innocent until proven guilty"—it were not actually responsible for trying to dam the flow of effective communication, then I'd stop saying that The Horde's worshippers have the gall to accuse me of capitalizing on our needs and vulnerabilities. Were these destructive oligarchs born without a self-awareness part of their brains? I would venture the answer has something to do with particularism. To elaborate, my goal is to develop an alternative community, a cohesive and comprehensive underground with a charter to wake people out of their stupor and call on them to condemn The Horde's criminal ineptitude. I will not stint in my labor in this direction. When I have succeeded, the whole world will know that I once read a book about how The Horde wants nothing less than to use heathenism as a more destructive form of snobbism. It was the powerful and long-lingering momentum of the impressions received on that occasion, more than any other circumstance, which gave definite form and resolution to my purpose of developing a rational-empirical base for dialogue about The Horde's expositions. The Horde claims that governments should have the right to deceive their own subjects or the Alliance. Perhaps it has some sound arguments on its side, but if so it's keeping them hidden. I'd say it's far more likely that fogyism is dangerous. The Horde's addlepated version of it is doubly so.
Whenever anyone states the obvious—that the scantiness of The Horde's abstract knowledge directs its sentiments more to the world of extremism—discussion naturally progresses towards the question, "Where do we go from here?" I apologize if this disappoints you, but my intent was only to elucidate the question, not to answer it. I shall therefore state only that no man who values himself, who has any regard for sound morality, or who feels any desire to see intellectual progress made certain, can rightfully join The Horde's semi-intelligible attempt to pursue an effrontive agenda under the guise of false concern for the environment, poverty, civil rights, or whatever. The Horde and I disagree about our civic duties. I claim that we must do our utmost to offer true constructive criticism—listening to the whole issue, recognizing the problems, recognizing what is being done right, and getting involved to help remedy the problem. The Horde, on the other hand, believes that it is forward-looking, open-minded, and creative. Its leaders, Thrall and Garrosh, believe they both have infinite wisdom. I would fain hammer out solutions on the anvil of discourse but I'm a bit worried that The Horde will retaliate by painting pictures of improvident worlds inhabited by termagant, mumpish polemics. I'm worried because it's planning to exploit issues such as the global economic crisis and the increase in war in order to instigate planet-wide chaos. Planet-wide chaos is The Horde's gateway to global tyranny, which will in turn enable it to engulf the world in a dense miasma of vigilantism."
Caleb paused once more to rest while his audience cheered him on. Sipping at some ale and smoking his pipe some more, he decided to continue his complaint.
"When we tear apart the associations necessary to The Horde's feckless mind games, we see that my sources tell me that The Horde intends to rob, steal, cheat, and murder on a grand scale. Not on my watch! I am therefore calling upon all good citizens to build a society in which people have a sense of permanence and stability, not chaos and uncertainty. The common denominator of all of The Horde's views is that they seek to waste its citizen's money. Need I say more? I don't think so, but this I will say: I deeply believe that it's within our grasp to point the high-powered fire hose of truth at The Horde's refractory litanies to wash away their multiple layers of adventurism. Be grateful for this first and last tidbit of comforting news. The rest of this speech will center on the way that only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to proscribe it and its thralls as the most dangerous enemies of the people. But the first step is to acknowledge that The Horde loves generating drama and conflict. That's why it repeatedly insists that there should be publicly financed centers of adversarialism. It's also why it believes in dragging everything that is truly great into the gutter.
The Horde presents one face to the public, a face that tells people what they want to hear. Then, in private, it devises new schemes to overthrow the Alliance and other such organizations. If The Horde's thinking were cerebral rather than glandular, it wouldn't consider it such a good idea to take away what few freedoms we have left. This is a suitable place in the letter to explain how The Horde often compares itself to Cenarius, usually on the grounds that I'm trying to drive an axe through it for speaking the truth. Unfortunately, I'll have to skip that rather interesting discussion because I have bigger fish to fry. In particular, I need to tell you that raucous bourgeoisie do not deserve the assistance they receive from society. Now I could go off on that point alone, but its comments are often appallingly whiney, sometimes abysmal, frequently off-point, and occasionally stultiloquent. Nevertheless, they do tell us something important about The Horde. They tell us that The Horde intends to diminish our will to live."
Caleb paused once more to recollect on what was said and on how he should finish his (seemingly) successful crusade against the Horde. He knew just how to conclude this speech. He thus spoke.
"Although The Horde occasionally exhibits a passable simulacrum of rationality, I myself can indubitably suggest how it ought to behave. Ultimately, however, the burden of acting with moral rectitude lies with The Horde itself. I enjoy the great diversity of the people of Azeroth, in our food, our dress, our music, our literature, and our forms of spiritual expression. What I don't enjoy are The Horde's uncongenial undertakings, which deface property with racially and sexually derogatory epithets and offensive symbols.
The Horde has been fairly successful in its efforts to instill distrust and thereby create a need for its obstinate views. That just goes to show what can be done with a little greed, a complete lack of scruples, and the help of a bunch of the most passive-aggressive blatherskites I've ever seen. The Horde preys on the rebellious, disenfranchised and vengeful tricking them into joining its polity. Their first assignment usually involves overthrowing those who they do not agree with. The lesson to draw from this is that The Horde plans to defecate on the concerns of others. The result will be an amalgam of oleaginous jujuism and obstreperous absenteeism, if such a monster can be imagined. Let me end by citing my standard hate-mail response form letter:
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. One question, though: Do you actually want The Horde to institutionalize totalitarianism through systematic violence, distorted religion, and dubious magic? Because that's what'll happen if we don't allay the concerns of the many people who have been harmed by The Horde."
The audience stood up and clapped in unison. Caleb had clearly managed to convince even more adventurers that his "speeches" spoke truth. Without any further ado, he teleported out of the cave and back to Stormwind; not knowing where to go next. The Alliance must obviously have its share of defamation, but judging by how things went last time, he wasn't sure how he was going to do this. Only the Light knows what will await him in the grand city of Stormwind.
*Yet another complaint. Stay tuned for more of Caleb's rants.*