I don't own anything.

-This chapter is dedicated to the anonymous reviewer: 'PanicKicksMore'. You really made my day for giving me my first ever review! Thanks!

Saturday, July 16

2:44 AM

Dad AND Ron just walked into my room with the chastity belt. Upon seeing that I was awake, they both cursed and walked away. I swear that I heard Ron muttering something about slipping a strong sleeping draught into my Pumpkin Juice.

NTS: watch what you drink.

3:57 AM

I just had some wonky dream about that Muggle Jay Leno man… except he was Asian and was wearing lip gloss. I need to stop eating so many sweets before bed. It's messing with my brain…

8:24 AM

Mum told me that since I'm going to be a 6th year this fall, I need to start taking better care of myself. She taught me some hair-straightening charms to 'tame my wild curls' and make-up charms to 'bring out my natural beauty'. She then gave me this potion that reduces 'those unsightly bags under my pretty little eyes'. Is this her way of calling me unattractive?

8:10 PM

I can't go a single day of my life without royally botching things up.

In order to prevent myself from being... myself, I should be committed to Saint Mungos and forced to wear one of those old-fashioned Straight Jackets.

Or not... seeing as I'll never be able to step foot in there again without dying of embarrassment...

You see, I thought that it would be a good idea to rub the eye-bag reducing potion over my breasts to see if it would reduce the size of those. Apparently, though, I had an allergic reaction to the potion and they swelled up even larger than before.

I had to spend my entire day informing healers of my dilemma, and then had to have quite a few attractive male healers attempt to fix the swelling.

I'm still skeptical that they completely fixed the swelling. They still seem to be unreasonably large, in my opinion. Whether it was the healers' faults or just genetics, I'm going to blame my Mum for it.

11:28 PM

Ron won't stop bothering me about that chastity belt. He keeps trying to promote the belt to me by using cheesy presentations and horrific examples of diseases and pregnancies. I told him that if he didn't stop bothering me, I'd go mount Snape right in front of him. That shut him up.

11:36 PM

Hahahahahahahahaha. Mount Snape. It sounds like a dangerous National Monument of some sort.

11:37 PM

Bloody hell, I have gone insane.

Sunday, July 17

4:57 AM

Why do I keep waking up at such odd hours of the morning?

5:00 AM

Ah. The smell of pungent Humphrey-pee is what awoke me. He soiled yet another pillow of mine. I'm going to have to start stealing Ron's pillows for him to use.

5:01 AM

My bloody neck is killing me due to lack of pillow. Having a pet is hard work.

5:36 AM

Mum has labeled Humphrey as her own personal demon. I think that she's just exaggerating. She raised Fred and George. Anything after that must be like heaven for her.

6:43 AM

Hmph.

I the surprise of my 16-year-long life today.

Bill is engaged. Engaged. William Weasley, little Mr. Bad Boy/Player has willingly tied himself down to one, count 'em, one woman. ONE.

And not just ANY random woman. He just had to tie himself down to Fleur Delacour. Not only is her accent exceedingly annoying, but she's also perfect in every way.

She makes me feel rather manly in the looks and behavior departments.

Damn her.

7:45 AM

Hallelujah?

I've been officially un-grounded. Yet, there was a price for this good fortune (this family is so manipulative).

I had to agree to help Fleur and Mum with the wedding preparations.

Ugh. Good grief.

Merlin, just allow Voldemort to swoop into my house and decapitate me right now. It would save me from so much misery.

8:34 PM

Just spent the last hour or so hiding under my bed. I was afraid that Voldemort would really show up and take my head off.

Why am I so paranoid?

9:17 PM

Oh bugger.

Dad has invited that colleague from work over again for dinner tomorrow night. Apparently, he wants to redeem himself and his family in that colleague's family's eyes.

He told me that he wants everyone to know that his family really is normal and loving, which is code for: "It's time to lie to the world." It's also his way of telling me to behave.

He isn't as direct as Mum is in that department. She just tells me to stop acting like a nutter and to shape up my life or I'll end up living like some homeless squib. I find that to be very discriminative.

10:00 PM

I asked my Mum to use the straightening charm on my hair.

Big mistake.

Straight hair makes my head look abnormally long and my ears look ten times larger. I think that I'll just stick with my curly hair from now on. It's just more… me.

And it also doesn't make me look like a house elf.

11:34 PM

Humphrey is sleeping on my desk. He would look so innocent and adorable if it weren't for the decapitated stuffed animals littering the desk space behind him.

11:40 PM

Bloody hell, what on Earth am I going to wear tomorrow? I will not be caught in that hideous dress or any other kind of outfit like it ever again. Mark my words.

Monday, July 18

8:34 AM

Stupid cousin. Stupid mornings. Stupid scones.

Mum woke me up at 6 in the bloody morning to tag along with her to breakfast.

6 in the morning.

That's not even a real time of day, in my opinion. 6 AM shouldn't exist. It should be illegal to be out and about before 8 AM.

Anyways... Fleur, and 'a super duper special surprise guest' were apparently going to tag along with us. Mum's words, not mine.

When I finally got to the restaurant, the 'surprise guest' was none other than my fatty of a cousin who was torturing one of the café seats with her rather prominent arse. Well, even though I was sitting right next to my whale of a cousin, I still felt like a pig the whole time. While Mum, Bertha (my cousin), and Fleur nibbled on a couple of lightly buttered pieces of toast, I scarfed down an entire plate of chocolate scones. Mum kept trying to do that 'telling-me-to-stop-embarrassing-her' thing with her eyes, but I pretended not to notice.

All throughout breakfast, though, my rather pudgy cousin kept glaring at me like I'd just eaten her midnight snack right in front of her. What was her deal? If she wanted the scones, she should've taken them when she had the chance.

She didn't have to narrow those bulgy fish eyes of hers at me.

Bloody hell.

1:23 PM

There's that number again. It just can't leave me alone!

... Anyways, I finally found out what was wrong with Bertha at breakfast. After lunch, she pulled me aside and demanded to know if I was Bulimic. When I just stared at her questioningly, she explained that it was something that Muggles did all of the time; they would eat a bunch of food and then force themselves to throw it all up or poop it all out just to stay skinny. Of course, she used the word 'doodie' instead of 'poop', which caused me to laugh like a maniac; after I finally caught my breath, I loudly denied being Bulimic or whatever.

She then threw a fit and then stomped away, muttering about how unfair life was.

When I asked my Mum why she acted that way, Mum replied with something that surprised the hell out of me. She told me that I was a very attractive young woman with a gorgeous body that would make any other female jealous.

I asked her if she needed to get her aging eyes checked.

2:34 PM

Oh happy day! I no longer feel socially-deprived.

I got a letter from Luna that smelled of wildflowers today. This was because there was a wildflower glued to the paper. Anyways, it made me so happy that I skipped around the house with it a few times before I actually read it. Apparently, Luna has been on vacation with her dad in Spain, searching for some creature called a 'Herphig' that supposedly gives one everlasting good breath.

I love having a friend as loony as Luna. It makes me feel about ten times more normal.

4:56 PM

The dinner guests will be over in about an hour and I can't seem to stop fidgeting. Mum tried to force me into yet another hideous dress, but I refused. Instead, I was wearing my favorite denim jeans and a dark v-necked sweater vest. I had also used Mum's make-up potions to give my eyes a sexy smoky look. After adding mousse to my curls to give them not-frizzy volume, I pulled my knee-high black boots on and flounced down the staircase. Mum had called me a harpy when she saw my outfit; I had paid no mind to her childish comment. I wanted to look better than I did the last time this family saw me. Last time I checked the mirror, I looked pretty darn good, which is hard for me to admit to myself.

She told me that she could 'practically see my entire bosom' and that 'they were going to think that I was a Muggle street-walker'. I told her that the last time that they were here, they got to see more of my 'bosom' than I was showing now. That definitely shut her right up.

9:16 PM

Dinner was an… interesting event with stimulating conversation and—oh sod it all.

It was the worst dinner that I'd ever been forced to attend.

My favorite dish was burnt because my elderly parents decided to be gross and snog in the kitchen like two hormonal teenagers. Needless to say, Mum wasn't paying attention and didn't cook the food correctly.

Then, all throughout the turkey-less meal, I had to suffer through bad puns, horrible jokes, and thoroughly boring work-related stories that were meant to be 'hilarious'. When Mr. Obvious Comb-over first sat down, the first words out of his mouth had me biting into a bread roll to suppress my groan of utter despair.

Honestly, who starts off a conversation with, "Oh, this one's a doozy!"? Complete poofs, that's who.

To make matters worse, my family actually politely laughed at whatever he said. Well, I refused to do so. I don't care if you're supposed to be polite to guests in your house; I refuse to laugh at something that isn't even funny.

Oh yes… to make matters worse, Mr. Obvious Comb-over's greasy little son didn't bring his sex-god of a friend with him again. Instead, he brought four rather unattractive friends with him to dinner. The whole time, they all stared at me as if I was a statue on display and loudly whispered things about me where I could hear them. It almost got to the point in which I wanted to rip my shirt off again just so that I'd have a reason to run away again.

However, that wouldn't have gone over well, seeing as pudgy friend #1 leaned over and asked greasy son of Mr. Obvious Comb-over if I would 'be willing to flaunt my voluptuous bosom to them like I did last time'. This earned pudgy friend #1 a swift kick in the genital region from me under the table. At least… I hope that I kicked his genitals. With chubsters, you can never be absolutely sure.

Pudgy, smelly friend #2 actually tried to cop a feel. I had to stab him with my fork to get him to stop.

I'm definitely begging my Dad to never invite these people over again. If he doesn't listen, I'll most likely run away.

10:47 PM

A random owl slammed into my window about ten minutes ago. When I let it in, it dropped a message off on my desk and then flew back out. Obviously, whatever this mysterious letter says, the sender doesn't need an answer.

I dunno if I want to actually read it, though. What if it's a trick… or what if it's a trap? What if it's a letter from Voldemort so that he can lure me out of my house to decapitate me without making a giant mess in my room?

10:48 PM

I just realized that 1. Voldemort probably wouldn't care about making a mess in my room, and 2. I don't believe that he can actually read or write. From what I've seen or heard of him, he seems too mutilated to hold a pencil and waaaay too squinty-eyed to be able to see the parchment in front of him.

Poor man. He can't read any soothing stories. Maybe that's why he's so evil.

10:55 PM

I absolutely refuse to read that letter now. Humphrey crawled onto my desk and used it as his personal bathroom. That must be a sign that I shouldn't read it, no matter how tempting it is to do so.

10:56 PM

Oh the agony! The curiosity is gnawing at every fiber of my being! I finally understand that Muggle saying that I used to make fun of: Curiosity killed the cat. It really does make you so antsy, you feel as if you'll die unless you figure the problem out.

11:11 PM

I just made a wish!

Uh… and, being the pushover that I am, I read the letter.

I could barely read it though the Humphrey-excrement, but it looked like it said:

Girl-Weasel,

Meet me at the Leak_ Cauldron the fir_t Hogs_eade week_nd by the b_ _ _rooms. I'_ _ be wearing a lo_ _ gre_ _ tie. We_ _ _hat pretty _it_le dre_ _ you _ave. You should feel _ike the _uckiest girl at _ogwarts.

Sincerely,

_rac _alf_y

What the bloody hell is a lo gre tie? Is that a designer? And what's this about a leak in a cauldron? Did this person call me 'ucky'?

The nerve of some people. I will most certainly not meet up with this 'Rac Alfy'.

He even has a stupid name.

[Humphrey will eat your pillow if you don't review. :[...]

I hope that ya'll enjoyed this chapter! There will be some actual plot-action soon… but for now, it's just a tad bit crazy. That's just how this story is. Haha.

Well… thanks for reading at least. ^_^

_-Ketchupdtoytle-_