[RIP Jake 8/21/2009]

Friday, July 22

3:43 AM

Can't sleep. Humphrey kicked my head with his little feet and woke me up from an exciting dream that involved dancing onions. Now I can't get back to sleep, which is a bad thing because now I'm going to be stuck pondering things in my head until about seven in the morning.

No. I won't allow myself to do that. I definitely need my rest 'tonight'. I don't want to be so tired tomorrow that I walk around with Ron's boxers on my head for two hours before I realize that my 'hat' smells a little off. I don't think that my delicate psyche could handle going through such a traumatizing experience... again.

3:50 AM

Have I mentioned how incredibly insane my family is? They've all been acting so loony that I fear insanity runs in the family.

I shouldn't be surprised, though. I've been informed upon many occasions that I'm downright barmy.

I won't let my family's odd behavior get to me, though. I have more important things to worry about at the moment—i.e.: surviving this week that I shall be spending with my pudgy relatives.

I wonder how I'll be able to manage to actually eataround them all. They all seem to be on these ludicrous diets that are NOT working for them. They'll probably only have healthy foodstuffs with them. Oh well. I think I'll just smuggle something crunchy and greasy with me in one of my bags.

4:55 AM

Still awake… Only, I just spent the last hour hand-sewing secret pockets into my knapsack where I can store my 'goods'. They're actually not too badly sewn on, in my opinion. They look quite good and inconspicuous if I do say so myself.

Oh no. More sewing? Willingly? I'm turning into Mum!

5:05 AM

The ceiling in my room has random streaks on it from where I painted it about a year ago. If I squint hard enough, the streaks make out shapes on my ceiling. There's a cute little earthworm… a spiral… a star… a few smiley faces… and then there's a gnome eating the earthworm's family while it watches…

5:25 AM

Humphrey is so cute. He looks so huggable when he's fast asleep on Ron's torn-up pillow.

5:33 AM

Fred and George are laughing about something in Percy's room right now. I really hope that they found something incriminating about Percy that they can show me once they've served their sentence. I'm in need of a good laugh.

6:04 AM

Oh bloody hell. These Muggle pamphlets are going to be the death of me. There was a pamphlet stuck in the pile of pregnancy ones that looked like it didn't belong, so I picked it up and read it.

It was about prostate cancer, which isn't that traumatizing to read about… only, there were these extremely detailed pictures and diagrams in the pamphlet.

I don't think that I ever want to be near a boy again if that's what they're all hiding under their slacks; I especially don't think that I ever want to have kids either. There's no way I'm going near one of those things.

Ever.

Maybe.

...

6:12 AM

Hmmm… according to Mum's Witch Weekly, guys love it when a girl plays hard to get. It supposedly makes them feel more masculine in knowing that they worked for their girl or something. In my opinion, guys are just confusing creatures. Of course, I will admit that I understand the logic behind this—nobody likes those tarts that just throw themselves at guys willy-nilly.

6:30 AM

My fingernails are all uneven and short… and my hands are all pudgy-looking still. I had never thought of them as ugly until I saw the gigantic, perfect talons-for-hands that the models for Witch Weekly have. Now I feel as if my hands look like they belong to some hobo—not to a sixteen-year-old girl.

6:49 AM

Maybe I should start taping my breasts down with duct tape to stunt their growth. The models for Witch Weekly don't have large bosoms—or anything up there at all, really. They're so lucky. Why couldn't I have been born with those kinds of genes? Why was I stuck with a giant arse, huge breasts, and a carrot-top? Curse my parents and their unfortunate characteristics…

7:01 AM

Bloody hell. Did I not promise myself that I would go to sleep and not stay up until seven in the morning?

Sometimes I just make myself so angry…

11:45 AM

I hate rushing around at the last minute to find everything… yet, doing such a thing is inevitable when you fall asleep at seven in the morning and don't wake up until 11:15. My relatives are coming to pick me up at 1:00, yet I still don't think that I'll be ready by then.

12:04 PM

My family's still not talking to me. What the bloody hell is going on?

Usually I wouldn't mind this in the least bit, but it's really getting old. Sure, it was fun to go up to Percy and say "If you're having a steamy secret romance with the minister, don't say anything!" and then run away laughing… but, other than that, it's quite disconcerting being in such a silent house. It's driving me insane.

I just might have to resort to singing Muggle show tunes at the top of my lungs until someone finally tells me to shut up. At least then they'll have to talk to me…

12:16 PM

I finally forced at least someone to talk to me.

Unfortunately for me, it was Fleur.

According to Fleur, my family has been under the distinct impression that I'm "with child". What the bloody hell does that mean?

12:23 PM

Just found out what "with child" means.

…

My family is full of raving lunatics.

12:34 PM

Just spent the last ten minutes jumping around the house and rolling on the floor whilst screaming random facts about my life out to anybody that was in the house; I was doing anything and everything to prove that I was not, nor would I ever be "with child". Especially after reading that pamphlet.

They still haven't really started to trust what I'm saying, though. I guess my secret agent moves aren't secret agenty enough to prove that I'm not worried about the welfare of another human being inside of me. Time to up the ante.

12:44 PM

Hmmm… they still don't believe me. Even after doing jumping jacks and playing bongos on my belly with sticks until my stomach hurt, my family didn't immediately forgive me for acting the way that they did. Instead, Ron just turned a bright reddish color, and Mum looked concerned about my mental state. Oh, now they acknowledge my existence since I've finally gone barking mad.

12:47 PM

Oh bloody hell. I finally had to end up shouting to my parents that I was a virgin and had never—slash—would never see a… man part. Of course, now they all have confused expressions on their faces. At least now the house isn't silent. I can hear Fred and George still laughing upstairs upon hearing my frantic exclamation.

They are officially dead once they're released from their prison.

1:02 PM

The Fatties haven't arrived yet. I'm not surprised or anything, though. They probably had to stop by somewhere to eat before they left.

Anyway, I've never been apologized to so profusely before. It's as if I'm in some alternate universe.

Hmmm… all it took for my family to appreciate me was for them to believe that some guy knocked me up. Maybe I should lead them to believe these things more often.

1:03 PM

Wow. Never mind. I wouldn't be able to handle the silence again.

1:12 PM

The Fatties arrived by Floo to whisk me along with them on the trip to hell. Shockingly, I was grateful when they finally got here. I was getting sick and tired of the apologetic glances that my family was sending me, and how much Mum was doting on "her wonderful, beautiful, well-behaved daughter". Does she have another daughter that she was confusing me with?

I'm fairly certain that I'm the worst child that a parent could get stuck with on the face of the planet.

Well, anyways, Bertha keeps trying to show me her earwax collection.

…if I die on this trip, I will come back as a ghost and make sure to trap her in a tiny room with said collection of earwax. She'd be forced to feed off of her nasty little germy sculptures in order to survive. Only then would I be able to rest in peace.

4:45 PM

Still sitting in my fatty relatives' house, waiting for us to finally begin this so-called camping trip. There has been nothing to do here but try to play with Humphrey—who, by the way, was just as equally displeased as me to have been dragged along on this trip. I couldn't have left him alone at the house, though. Who knows what he could've done to poor Ron if I had left him there with my family.

4:47 PM

Dang it. Why didn't I leave him at the house? That would've been bloody hilarious!

4:50 PM

Oh dear Lord. I think I spot my uncle setting up a tent in the backyard.

That's not camping! That's… sleeping in your backyard! My entire family is barking mad!

6:13 PM

They're all having some cookout next to their giant magical tent and child-proofed fire. By 'child-proofed', I mean non-existent.

There's merely a spot on the ground that's charmed to be toastier than the rest of the backyard.

I don't think that I'll be sane by the end of this "camping trip".

7:35 PM

Nobody in this bloody family has any talent, but I must admit that they are relentless. They've been going at this singing business for more than an hour, yet it looks as if they won't be done for a while.

The hilarious dancing bit ended a while ago, though, after only lasting for about two minutes; it was quite entertaining to watch my chubby family stick their rumps in the air and attempt to appear as if they were moving with the music. Of course, they all got tired and sat back down on their giant lawn chairs that were positioned around the 'fire' and then began the singing.

I think that I might have to join in with them soon. If not, one of them might just eat me.

8:33 PM

Wow. I didn't think that I could become even more bored than I already was.

I was wrong.

Bertha suggested that we go into the woods and try to play a prank on my other cousin, Jonathan-Providence the third (JP for short). This sparked my interest, for I absolutely loved playing pranks.

What I didn't know was that Bertha's idea of a prank was jumping out of a bush and yelling "boo" at the top of her lungs.

… There is no way that I'm actually related to her.

9:03 PM

Oh sod it all. I'm fully awake at the moment, even though 'bedtime' was at precisely 9:00. How my relatives managed to fall asleep in three minutes is beyond me. All I know is that there are all of these soft, warm beds that are just begging to be used, inside of a house about ten feet from where I am curled up in a thin blanket on the hard ground.

I think that I'll just sneak into the house and get some much-needed shut eye in the guest bedroom.

9:11 PM

Nice, warm, and snuggled up in a giant red comforter. Just because my relatives all come with their own natural padding doesn't mean that I necessarily do.

Not even my rather large bum came in handy out there. (Of course, if I'm being totally honest with myself, my bum is quite nice-looking. I've noticed that it's not flat and v-shaped like my relatives' rumps seem to be.)

Anyway, I'm just glad to be comfortable again while my relatives enjoy their night under the stars.

Humphrey's glad, too. I can tell this by the way that he destroyed the pillow next to me and made it into a nest-thing. He's so adorable.

10:32 PM

Something startled me awake, and I'm not so sure what it was. Oh well. It was probably just something in my dream… or maybe even Humphrey just being… Humphrey.

10:33 PM

Someone called my name. To say that it scared me would be an understatement; I screamed like Voldemort being forced to get a manicure.

It was just JP, who was sitting in the chair next to my bed as if he'd been watching me sleep. Creeper.

He told me that he thought I had a good idea, and that he was just hanging out in the guest room because he was too afraid to be in the big house all alone.

What. A. Pansy.

He's only about a year younger than me, yet he's scared of his own home?

Egad, my family is screwed up.

Thursday, July 29

12:23 PM

FINALLY.

It's time to go home!

The past week had been so uneventful that I fear I will die of boredom from just relaying it or even thinking about it.

All I know is that I've never been happier to return to my house than right at this moment. I think that I might even end up hugging Ron, which is simply shocking to even think about. Humphrey looks visibly happier, too.

As I said goodbye to my relatives, he farted out his purple gas and killed their beloved Ficus.

I love this Chinchilla.

12:40 PM

What a glorious and exciting homecoming present. We're going schoolbook shopping.

Just kill me now to put me out of my misery. Please.

1:24 PM

I was perusing the tall, full bookshelves in the bookstore for something romantic and not parent-approved when I spotted the perfect novel. Something about a pirate falling in love with a far-off kingdom's princess or whatever…

The overused plot wasn't what drew me in, though. I think that I wanted it so badly just because on the front of it was this picture of the sexiest blond model that I'd ever seen. He was about thirty years old… but he reminded me of 'D', Mr. Obvious-Combover's son's sexy friend.

I slipped the book into the pile of books that Hermione was buying. She owed me a favor anyway, considering how I complimented her on her skin the last time I saw her. That definitely deserved something in return in my opinion.

Anyway, I'm going to start reading about this mundane love story. I've never read one of these books before, but I'm guessing that they're good, considering the sheer amount of them that Mum keeps locked away in her bedside cupboard.

1:27 PM

Five bloody seconds into this book and the characters are already kissing. How tarty is that?

1:34 PM

The book is stuck in a tree outside of my window at the moment. It got that way after I threw it there in astonishment.

I don't think that I'll ever be able to get rid of the mental image that book put into my brain. Why the bloody hell would Mum willingly read such a thing?

2:35 PM

Mum turned a funny color when I asked about the books that she keeps in her cupboard. She insisted that they were cookbooks, but I'm not convinced. I think that Mum has a guilty pleasure that she just won't admit to.

I don't really understand why she'd want to read such books, though. Books like that belong in one of those 'Adults Only' stores—not some bookstore where young ladies such as myself can trick their friends into buying said books for them.

Idiots.

4:45 PM

So bored.

I think that I'll owl Luna. Maybe she'll be able to come and stay at my house until school starts!

4:50 PM

Mum almost didn't grant me permission to invite Luna over—that is, until I reminded her of the way that they treated me before I embarked on my 'camping trip'.

Now she's making my favorite cookies and even allowed me to use the good owl to contact Luna.

Ah… blackmail feels so good.

5:54 PM

Luna arrived immediately. Apparently, she was just as bored as I was.

Her father had been wanting to go off on some dangerous mission to locate one of those imaginary creatures that they both love so much, but didn't feel comfortable with bringing his daughter along on said dangerous mission—so, the situation worked in everyone's benefit.

I'm just glad that she's here; now we can wreak havoc on my unsuspecting family members until school starts!

6:04 PM

Luna met Humphrey. She keeps insisting that he's something called a 'Giragulian'. She says that he's a supposedly mythical creature whose sole purpose is to eradicate all evil within proximity to its master. According to her, he's extremely rare and that I have been blessed by God for acquiring him.

I told her that she was being silly, and said that he was simply a magical Chinchilla who just so happens to emit purple gas from his bum.

She's not convinced, though.

7:23 PM

I think that I may be delusional.

At dinner, it seemed as if Luna, my very best mate in the whole world, was flirting with Ron.

RON—the very same brother that cries when he sees Humphrey and eats more than Crabbe and Goyle combined.

I'm just imagining this, I think. I'm still in shock from reading that horrible novel.

Yes. That's it.

It's my imagination.

7:34 PM

Mum's trying to fatten me up again. She insists that I'm too thin.

I told her to stop comparing me to herself and then I'd look normal.

8:03 PM

I was forced to apologize to Mum. I must admit that saying what I did was uncalled for, but it didn't mean that it wasn't true.

According to Luna, "those dang Herphlidumps slipped into my brain and forced me to say rude things". Mum was so confused from hearing this comment that, when I mumbled my half-hearted apology, she actually smiled and hugged me.

Mums are so weird.

8:21 PM

Luna and I put on a fashion show for Humphrey in my room—something that we haven't done since we were about five years old. It was really rather hilarious pretending to be one of those stick-thin models for Witch Weekly. I still envy them all so much.

According to Luna, those models aren't even real. They're just charmed to look a certain way in order to make young witches feel inferior.

Pfff. Luna can be so strange sometimes.

8:35 PM

Hahahahahahaha. I love being weird.

Luna and I painted each other's toenails a vomit green color, and then did each other's make-up without using our thumbs—as was tradition for sleepovers. I then took a brush and teased my hair, making it frizz out and look positively ugly. Luna took Percy's hair gel and smoothed her straight blond hair into giant spikes on top of her head.

When we were certain that we looked as horrid as possible, we then ran around the house, scaring Fleur and making Ron scream like a little girl. And no, I did not get those two reactions mixed up.

After taking many stupid pictures with Percy's beloved magical camera, eating a bunch of chocolate, and drawing faces on our toes, we decided to do something crazy.

It must have been because of the amount of sugar that was coursing through our bloodstreams, but we made a pact that we would do anything and everything to make our sixth year the best school year that anyone has ever experienced. We even wrote out a contract in red ink.

Red ink makes everything more official.

9:35 PM

Just spent the last hour plotting the biggest, best prank that has ever graced the Earth with its presence.

Neither the Marauders nor even the twin-Weasleys could've thought of something so ingenious. Even though it sounds conceited, I must admit that Luna and I are a dangerous pair.

Don't worry. The prank is nothing dangerous… just the very epitome of hilarity all wrapped up into one clever trick.

Hogwarts won't even have seen it coming.

[Humphrey's holding your ficus hostage until you review!]

Thanks for reading!

_-Ketchupdtoytle-_