Disclaimer: Mine not is Potter Harry.
(please R&R)
Sunday, September 5
6:44 AM
My dream started out quite nicely…
I had a giant platter full of delicious chocolate in front of me. I could even practically I smell the delicacies.
BUT then the chocolate started singing "God Save the Queen" in high-pitched voices, so I ate them to shut them up. After I did this, I got really fat and couldn't fit into my school uniform, so I got kicked out of Hogwarts.
Now I'm wide awake… and wary of platters filled with chocolate.
6:46 AM
I can't think of anything to do today. I'll probably read my schoolbooks and get caught up in more of my classes.
… Oh sheesh. That even looks boring written out like that.
6:47 AM
I can't sleep for any longer now that I'm awake.
But my bed is so warm. I can't force myself to move out from my warm cocoon of covers.
6:53 AM
Oh… wonderful.
My robe and slippers aren't in sight. Romilda better not have stolen them again.
I don't understand why that girl seems to think we're friends and that it's okay for her to take my things.
6:56 AM
Christ almighty! … I just raised my arm up and nearly died.
I am in dire need of a shower.
My pits are so sour they probably just melted off my eyebrows.
6:58 AM
Okay… I'll just throw off my covers and then make a mad dash for the bathroom. If I run fast enough, I'll barely even have time to feel the cold stone floor against my bare feet.
As a reward to myself for being so brave, I can take an extra-long, so-hot-it-makes-my-skin-red shower. Mmmmm…
7:01 AM
Brrr… just took my covers off.
And then put them back on. Bloody HELL.
Where'd the heat from the fireplace go? What happened to a little something called magic?
Oh sod it all… I can't do it… my covers are so warm…
… But my pits are so smelly.
Hmmm… what will win out? My need to feel and smell clean or my hatred of the drafty castle?
7:04 AM
I still can't decide.
…
Ugh! That's it. My pits are positively killing me. I don't even know how this happened. It's as if they're rebelling against me or something.
It smells as if someone rubbed onions on them whilst I was sleeping.
7:05 AM
… Rotting onions.
7:06 AM
… Rotting onions that had been stuffed in a hobo's fat flap for about 50 years.
7:07 AM
The fat-flap onion visual has made up my mind for me. I'm going to shower. NOW.
7:40AM
Ah… sweet relief. I now smell fresh and clean and feel over-heated. I love taking long, scalding-hot showers on a cold day.
Time to venture to the library.
7:41 AM
…eh… I may want to change into clothing first. Heh heh.
7:52 AM
Wait. Why am I in the library this early on a Sunday?
And why haven't I even thought about breakfast?
My ranky stanky pits must've burnt off a bit of my brain also.
7:54 AM
Ha ha ha I love textbooks sometimes. Not in a Hermione way, though.
I meant that I love how hilarious the graphics and pictures are—especially when said graphics and such are actually meant to be serious.
There's one of a man with his underwear pulled over his head and his shirt stained with various foods.
This is supposed to be warning students against the horrible act of bullying, but really it just makes bullying look fun. The man with his underwear on his head doesn't even look sad. He looks like he's plotting a way to get even.
That… or he really needs to fart.
8:00 AM
Just read an article about something I don't and won't ever care about.
Thank you, DADA teacher (whose name is "Fitzgerald" or something like that), for making me waste my life.
Now it's time to write "how I feel about what I just read".
Why must teachers ask this question? I guess it's to make them feel nicer or more connected with their students… or something.
It only seems as if they really care about what we think.
They say: "Tell me what you really think. I want some insight into your brain."
They MEAN: "Tell me what I want you to think about the article or you'll get a low mark".
I've had to learn this the hard way.
8:05 AM
Oh hey… there's that weird guy. He's from some hole-in-the-wall place that nobody's ever heard of and he can barely speak English. Everyone thinks he's so interesting because of this.
I just find him annoying, if I'm being completely honest.
8:07 AM
Oh sod it all… he's making his way over to my table.
8:18 AM
He walked up to me and said "Good night to you in the day with your waffle. BOOOOOOK!"
…and then he walked away.
I wonder if he really is trying to say something important, but just doesn't know how to.
8:20 AM
Well hello there, stomach. Yes it is quiet in the library. You only ever seem to make yourself known whenever it is quiet.
8:30 AM
Mmmmm… the Great Hall smells Great. Ha ha… pun.
8:27 AM
Oh bloody hell. Those sausages look so delicious… but there are exactly 33 of them. I can't eat one or else there will be 32 of them… 23 backwards.
I can't eat two of them, though! People are looking and will officially have proof that I'm a fat arse.
8:35 AM
Blegh. I don't want anything but that sausage. It's like it's taunting me.
8:36 AM
It's saying: "Ha ha. You couldn't eat me if you wanted to."
Stupid sausage.
8:37 AM
"Ginny can't eat me! She's pathetic!"
…grrr…
Maybe I'll just eat some bacon instead.
8:38 AM
"Now she's given up. She's a quitter. She's weak."
…
8:39 AM
"She'll never eat me now! Na na na boo boo!"
That's it! I'll show that sausage! I'll eat its family and friends as it watches!
8:50 AM
Ugh… now I feel sick. Really sick. I just ate about 5 sausages…
I attacked them as I cackled like a madman.
… Now people are all giving me wary side glances.
9:01 AM
Oh no. I just saw that flash of red hair again. That's definitely JP. Bertha can't move that fast.
It's time to relocate to somewhere safer.
9:15 AM
What to dooo… what to dooo…
Maybe I should brush up on my pop culture.
But the library seems to be one of the only places that my cousins hang out.
Hmmm…
9:34 AM
I was desperate for something to do… and Luna seems to be MIA…
So I risked venturing into the library in order to check out the new issue of Witch Weekly.
Luckily, I didn't have any run-ins with my cousins or anyone else for that matter.
9:40 AM
"The best way to get rid of unwanted acne is to use RAMUN'S ELIXER. It's been proven to work wonders!"
Hmmm… maybe I should buy Romilda some in a way of making up for my insanity towards her.
9:41 AM
…5 galleons?
Never mind.
9:46 AM
According to this magazine, guys like for girls to be like glaciers towards them.
What the ruddy hell do the people at Witch Weekly EAT that makes them believe "being like glaciers" even makes the least bit of sense?
9:48 AM
Maybe… it's so the guy can warm her up by being all cuddly and whatnot?
That's got romance involved, I think…
9:54 AM
There's an article in here about "what positions males prefer".
Guys from all over apparently wrote letters to the magazine explaining their preferences.
Okay… 1. Why are males so eager to be in a girl's magazine… and 2. Positions for what exactly?
There are times when I read this magazine and I honestly feel as if I'm missing out on some big inside joke.
10:02 AM
"Henry prefers the missionary position because it allows for him to feel closer to his partner and for things to get heated up much quicker."
I get it! …I think.
This is talking about which positions males like to use that best thaw out their cold girlfriends…
That's actually kind of sweet, if you think about it.
10:10 AM
Make-up charms!
I hate this section.
It just reminds me of how much females have to suffer through in order to look half-way presentable.
10:12 AM
There's a little animated illustration of a troll being hit with these charms and turning into a beautiful woman.
Wow. That makes me feel confident and accepted in society just as I am...
Ugh.
10:17 AM
Oh sod it all. "Madame Lealo's Love Prediction".
The magazine takes the user's name and birth date and gives her/him their own personal prediction on what will happen in his/her love life.
The past few times I've used it, it's told me the same thing.
"It's not stars in your eyes, but a star's eyes on you. Want to know who has this fixation? Try looking for a constellation. But let it be known… though stars are known for being fiery and bright, it's your job to help him light up the nights."
What the bloody hell does that even mean?
10:20 AM
I got it again. Maybe I keep getting faulty magazines… or maybe Madame Lealo is a fraud who hates me.
10:27 AM
The best thing about my room is that I can see the Quidditch pitch from my window.
Someone out there right now has exceptional flying skills.
Seriously.
All I can see is a decidedly masculine body, weaving through the air so smoothly, it looks as if he's a part of the wind itself.
I do hope it is a male after all… because his flying skills are getting me all hot and bothered.
10:34 AM
Yuck. Humphrey's covered in some unidentifiable goop. AND he's eaten a hole into one of my over-sized knickers.
Hmm… I think I need to take him to Hagrid and ask if he can loan me a rock cake or something of equal nastiness.
I believe Humphrey needs to be punished meal-wise.
10:40 AM
I think I smell porkchops. If I weren't so stuffed from breakfast still, I'd be excited at this revelation.
…unless it's not food that I smell.
10:43 AM
Oh bloody hell. What on earth is my cousin doing in my room?
I should've known he was here, really. He always smells of some sort of pork.
Which is ironic.
Because he's a chunker.
10:45 AM
And how'd he even get past the charmed staircase anyways?
He's not smart enough for that. At all.
11:00 AM
What on earth is wrong with the people in my family?
He wants to play "Hide and Seek". I haven't even thought about that game since I was about four years old.
Normally, I would push him out of the door, but there are two things stopping me from doing so.
The letter from Mum forcing me to be civil with my cousins
and
The fact that he's too heavy to push out of anywhere.
11:12 AM
After many lame attempts at "hiding" behind things (i.e. him crouching behind a bed with his giant rump sticking up in the air), I decided we should try playing a different game.
He was adamant that we play it though. He even stomped his foot.
I swear, he's got the mental stability of a three-year-old.
He now insists we play hide and seek with our eyes closed.
11:18 AM
I cheated because I didn't want to kill myself by falling out of the window or something. He'll never have to know this, though.
11:33 AM
He can't seem to find me and he keeps running into things. I stopped laughing after a while because it only seemed to be encouraging him to continue doing it.
He looks rather hilarious though. His face is all contorted with determination to find me.
That… or he really has to poo.
11:50 AM
After he groped my breast once, I brushed it off as an accident; however, after the third time, I kicked him out of my room.
What's the matter with him? He's my cousin.
Ugh… I need another shower now.
Who knows where his chubby little hands have been?
12:12 AM
Brrr… it's gotten even draftier in the castle since was this morning.
12:14 AM
Ah… there are Dementors outside. The ministry must be looking for someone or just trying to meddle. They like to meddle.
I can't blame them though. Meddling is tons of fun.
12:16 AM
I wonder where Dementors originated from. I guess if I actually paid attention in Defense Against the Dark Arts, I would know…
…they're probably McGonagall's children. I imagine she looks like a Dementor in the early hours of the morning.
12:17 AM
… Ew.
12:20 AM
Time to go stuff my face. I need me some turkey after all of that… eh… studying.
12:47 AM
… is it possible to just evaporate due to embarrassment?
I bequeath all of my precious belongings to Humphrey, and request that my diary be cremated alongside me… or published. Same thing.
Anyhoo… I had been shoveling mashed potatoes into my mouth at an alarming rate when I heard someone clear their throat behind me.
When I turned to look at the person, I had locked eyes with Blaise Zabini, mashed potatoes and gravy dribbling down my chin.
He had then handed me a handkerchief and walked towards the Slytherin tabled with a smirk on his face.
He's going to tell Malfoy I'm a Fatty McFatterton... and now 'D' will never want to go to Hogsmeade with me!
12:50 AM
Hold the phone… (whatever that even means)
This is a GOOD thing. If he doesn't want to go to Hogsmeade with me, I'm in the clear! I'm golden! I'm …some other cliché saying that means something good!
2:34 PM
I was drawing another 'Polly Comic' in the library when Dastan Crowley decided to be a nosy tosser and look at it over my shoulder.
He was annoying me with his questions until he offered to make me the cartoonist for the school paper.
Have I mentioned how awesome Dastan Crowley is?
2:40 PM
Apparently I just need to make up a few more short comic strips of Polly and send them to him to pick and choose from.
Well then, time to make Polly go on another adventure.
2:45 PM
I have to make this something good. Something AMAZING.
Everyone reads the school paper (usually because the school paper is literally filled with gossip), and so everyone will see what I create. I especially have to be good because the last cartoonist was awful, and I need to redeem the comic section's reputation.
Nobody could ever understand what on Earth was going on in the old cartoons because the drawings were so terrible.
He got kicked off of the newspaper staff and then received about a month's worth of detention after a particular drawing of a talking fruit looked a little too risqué.
We all found it bloody hilarious though.
2:56 PM
I can't seem to think of anything at all to make Polly do.
So far, he's cleared Romilda Vane's complexion and made Blaise a mute by using a poisoned mashed potato cannon. It seems as if Polly only does things when I'm provoked by something.
Now… how to get provoked?
3:12 PM
I wish my life had background music, so whenever I'd do something epic, an intense song would play and make me seem cooler than I really am.
Something like… bram bram bram! For epicness…
I don't know…
Music isn't something that can be put to paper.
3:13 PM
I just read what I wrote, and now I feel really stupid.
"Music isn't something that can be put to paper."
What am I? An idiot?
3:14 PM
Don't answer that, Diary.
3:18 PM
I tried providing my own background music, but all it did was make the suits of armor go insane.
Note to self: They don't know how to handle replicating actual music. Must remedy this.
3:35 PM
I'm sleepy. It's naptime.
9:56 PM
Hey, Humphrey's back from wherever he was wreaking havoc.
He has a bracelet in his mouth. Oh well. It's his now. I'm not taking it away from him.
10:04 PM
Wait… how'd it get so late?
… bloody hell…
I slept for 6 hours?
That's what I get for barely sleeping at all the night before, I guess
Monday, September 6
11:12 AM
I tried making some Polly comics during Transfiguration, but McGonagall did NOT approve. She got all huffy and started tutting like a… tutter.
She then assigned me a 15,000 word essay on 'classroom etiquette'.
12:02 PM
In the library during lunch. I want to try and make a dent in this essay-from-hell.
I don't think I even know 15,000 words, though.
12:16 PM
"When in the classroom, it is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very , very, very, very important to listen to your teacher, the person teaching you, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, very well."
That's all that I've gotten so far. I think that if I continue at this rate, I should be finished quite soon.
12:26 PM
Luna seems to be wearing a dress made completely of straight-off-the-cow hide. She tried to explain to me the luck that cow hide can bring to a person, but I didn't listen. All I can do every time I see her is make horrible cow puns.
She brought this on herself, really.
12:27 PM
"Luna, you are the only person who ever cud provide such udder amooooosement for me."
I crack myself up.
12:36 PM
So I can't walk across a flat surface without finding some way to fall flat on my face. So it's even worse when I'm freaking out because some man in a painting happens to be stalking me.
In my effort to get away, I ended up tripping over the base of a statue and landing on the ground with my bum sticking up in the air.
Why do I always end up in this position when I trip? It's like my bum and the ceiling are star-crossed lovers, trying desperately to reunite.
12:38 PM
First years annoy me. Not only do they sound all squeaky and obnoxious, but they also seem to think they're small enough to get away with anything. When I'd stood back up and righted myself once more, the first years that had witnessed my… gracefulness… found it was okay to laugh like loons.
I then threatened to suffocate them with my knickers, which scared them off.
Well… that's good. At least my knickers have some sort of purpose besides embarrassing me.
12:45 PM
There are cracks in the stone walls. What if they all connected and the entire school collapsed to the ground? What if someone was showering at the time that it happened?
What would they do? I would probably continue showering, to be honest. I can't stand to have soap in my eyes.
12:47 PM
Why are there even cracks in the wall in the first place?
I mean, I get that this is a school that has that whole "ancient feel" to it, but you'd think that, with magic, the walls would be in better shape.
12:54 PM
Luna walked up to me. I said "you must be hungry". She just gave me a strange look and asked why. I shrugged and said "Because you have… eh… four stomachs."
Dang. I'm losing my touch.
1:03 PM
Luna was "complaining" about Snape. I say "complaining" because she isn't really a complainer. She's… Luna.
Anyhoo, I said: "It's just Snape; don't have a cow about it!"
Which, quite frankly, I thought was hilarious.
BUT she just had to ruin it by saying
"Oh… but cows have calves."
… funsucker.
1:19 PM
I've decided that I hate the school uniforms. I don't like to wear skirts, no matter how long they are. My bum is something that I believe shouldn't be crammed into a skirt.
I look like I have a nervous twitch of some sort because I constantly am pulling my skirt down and making sure my …downstairs… isn't somehow showing.
I miss pants.
2:20 PM
Professor Fitzgerald was trying to be "cool" again. He was saying things like "yo" and "homies" a lot.
I've decide that I'm glad I'd forgotten to use that American slang I learned. It sounds very un-cool.
Especially when the person who says it is your teacher, who is hopping around in front of the class wearing suspenders.
5:15 PM
Filch was serenading his cat, whose name I don't care to remember (Mrs. Norris), in the hallway.
I don't know if I'm traumatized or amused by this.
5:20 PM
I want to randomly serenade someone.
I wonder what they'd do…
5:40 PM
Neville had a nervous spaz of some sort. I feel a bit guilty now…
5:41 PM
No I don't.
Hahahahaha
His face was priceless!
5:46 PM
Spontaneous things make me so happy. They have unexpected results.
"Spontaneous hugs" was a success and made people feel loved.
"Spontaneous dancing" was good for a laugh (especially for the people who couldn't dance).
"Spontaneous coughing" was disruptive to people not in on it, but hilarious to people in on it.
"Spontaneous Spontaneity" was, I must admit, just me being lazy; people still had a lot of fun with it, though.
"Spontaneous spasms" was the most dangerous thing I've started so far. Walking down the hallway and suddenly slinging your arm out can cause pain to an unsuspecting passerby.
… but I always instigate some sort of spontaneous something each year. They always catch like wild-fire around the school without me trying very hard at all.
I need to make this one a good one.
5:50 PM
Spontaneous trust falls!
It shall be a hit. (literally)
((I love puns.))
6:01 PM
Ouch. I yelled out "Trust Fall!" and fell backwards, but the third year didn't even try to catch me.
… ugh
6:10 PM
There. I only do it to older students who don't look like morons and it works.
It's even started catching on around school already. I wasn't lying earlier.
6:14 PM
Two girls aimed for the same guy.
Poor bloke…
He didn't know who to go for and they all ended up on the ground.
…it was bloody hilarious.
6:22 PM
Oh bloody hell.
I yelled out "Trust Fall!" and ended up in Zabini's arms. After I'd scrambled out of them, flushing horribly, Malfoy decided it was time to talk to me.
He said "Weasley."
I said "Earg."
6:24 PM
What the ruddy hell does "earg" even mean?
I think my brain shuts down when faced with utter masculine perfection—err… I mean…
I think I'm sleepy.
8:44 PM
The-Trio-Of-Dimwits scolded me for starting the "Trust Fall!" thing. Apparently, I've started something potentially dangerous and harmful. They obviously don't remember "spontaneous spasms".
And… Pffft… I never told anybody to do anything. People just get bored easily around here.
It IS school.
…and I can't help that I'm influential.
8:48 PM
Ha-HA!
Hermione went upstairs. The second she was out of sight, Harry yelled out "TRUST FALL!" and Ron caught him.
That's right, my little fledglings… thaaat's right…
8:55 PM
Humphrey cuddled up to next to me as I was homework-ing in bed.
Awww… there are times in which I really do love this chinchilla.
10:08 PM
"… a good thing for a student, the one who is learning what is being taught by the teacher who is teaching the student, to remember is that the teacher is the ruler over all of his or her students. So, whether the student is a Billy, a Madge, a Joey, a Stan, an Edith, a Jimmy, a Carl, an Adam, an Alana, a Sarah, a Cristy, a Nick, a David, and Anna, a Timmy, a Paul, a Rachael, an Alyssa, a Paula, a Tristin, an Orion, a Daniel, a Phillip, a Gavin, a William, a Tanya, a Becca, a Dean, a Torrin, a Greg, an Eddy, a Drew, a Carlos, a Dean, a Shawn, a Georgina, a Blair, a Chuck, or a Bob, he or she needs to listen to his or her teacher and leave snide comments or urges to get distracted at the door to the classroom."
There. 15,000 words exactly. That's a fitting conclusion to McGonagall's paper… and is just about all of the cheating/sucking up that I can handle for one night. My hand hurts so badly.
10:12 PM
It's sleep-time. BUT, not before I put my essay somewhere safe and out of reach.
McGonagall definitely wouldn't buy a "my chinchilla ate my homework" excuse…
10:20 PM
Oh bollocks… Humphrey pooped on someone else's bed.
That person is just going to have to deal with it.
As I always say to my Uncle Craig when he tries to get me to "pull his finger" every year: "I wouldn't touch that if the fate of chocolate depended on it." Because when I involve chocolate, people just know I'm being serious.
Yeah… that's an awkward place to end this chapter. Whatever.
Please review! n_n [or Humphrey will poop on your bed.]
_-Ketchupdtoytle-_