This one's pretty dang long. . *resists urge to make corny "that's what she said" joke*
n_n
Tuesday, September 7
8:12 PM
There's something gratifying about receiving a random letter at breakfast from your parents.
…hahaha no there isn't.
8:18 PM
Blegh. Mum and Dad are so… I don't know how to explain it…
"Hugs and kisses to our Gin-Gin. Don't let this year stress you out too much, sweetie. Just keep our love for you in mind and that will get you through anything. We love you so much, Ginny!
And remember to be nice to your cousins.
Love, your parents.
...I hate sappy, love-filled letters like that. ESPECIALLY when they're from my parents.
It would be embarrassing for anybody to ever find/read these letters. They must remain hidden.
12:10 PM
There's a new girl and she's in my house and year.
I shall go talk with her.
Bram bram bram! (I like to make random things seem epic)
43:69 AM
Her name is Ophelia O'Connell and she's Scottish…
I don't know if I can be her friend though. The Scotts and I aren't on good terms right now, especially after I blew up their most beloved pseudo-masque.
And Ophelia isn't really her name. It's just a cover. Her real name is confidential because she's a jive, rockin' homie who's on the lam.
12:30 PM
… Ophelia stole my diary and wrote that last entry.
Usually, if anyone were to even touch my diary, they'd be locked in a glass cage and continuously hexed with bat bogeys. She's sorta funny though, so I guess it's fine.
12:40 PM
There's a piece of gum on my leg.
How does gum get on one's leg?
It gets on my shoe sometimes because people haven't yet perfected the art of talking with gum in their mouths, but it's never gotten on my leg before.
That's weird.
12:50
I don't like that new girl's name. At all…
Ophelia sounds like an old woman who used to be a prostitute.
When I told her this, her response was: "Oh holy hot links, you've discovered my hidden shame! Go on, now… tell the world what you know! RUIN ME!"
I think I like this girl.
She's so strange. She'll fit right in with Luna and me.
1:20 PM
I told her I'm calling her "Jive".
I have no idea what it means, but it's the only word I remember from when she hi-jacked my diary.
She didn't question it at all.
From what I've noticed, she doesn't question anything, really.
I wish I was that easy-going.
1:22 PM
I'm going to try to be 'easy-going' and not question anything today. I'm not going to freak out about anything. I'm even going to try and be calmer than usual.
1:23 PM
Oh bugger. Someone just walked by smelling of humus.
Must… not… ask… why…
1:26 PM
I think my brain just about exploded. But I won't even ponder this situation any longer. I mean, it's not as if I care why someone smells like 'beans'. I barely even noticed it anyways.
1:32 PM
I mean, if I were to walk around school smelling of an oddly-named food, I wouldn't want random people asking me why I did so. Or noticing it at all.
1:33PM
But I would never walk around school smelling of beans in the first place.
1:35 PM
Oh bugger. I give up. I need to know why this person smells of beans!
But I also need to get to class…
Besides, I never even saw the humus-person. They had stayed in my peripheral line of sight.
Hmmm… Maybe I should just sniff everyone that I see until I find them.
Sounds like a foolproof plan! I am rather sneaky when I put my mind to it.
4:02 PM
Interesting. In one school day, Jive has managed to mouth off to Snape, get on McGonagall's bad side, and expose Trelawney's fraud.
I can tell that this is going to be a beautiful friendship.
4:15 PM
Just passed Malfoy and his goons in the halls. He attempted to harass us like usual, but got a bit distracted by the fact that I was sniffing his friends.
Darn. I guess I wasn't being very sneaky with my humus search, but he messes with my head. I don't know how he does it.
I'm usually stealthy like a ninja. Maybe it's because of some spell he's cast on me.
That would explain a lot.
4:18 PM
Jive called Malfoy "a hottie" after he was gone.
I told her "Hands off."
Why'd I say that? It's not like he's mine or anything.
Damn this spell.
I must go and see Madame Pomfrey as soon as possible. I refuse to be toyed with by Malfoy.
4:23 PM
Wow. Jive has been here for a day and she already has a boyfriend.
She's got long brown hair, bright green eyes, and that whole Scottish accent going for her, I guess.
…I mean, her boyfriend is that weird foreign guy who couldn't speak English if his life depended on it…
I'm still insanely jealous.
4:28 PM
I really want to know how on Earth she asked him out, or if she even knows if they are going out.
I mean… he doesn't seem to be able to communicate very well.
4:33 PM
Apparently, she walked straight up to him and kissed him. She had seen him using germ-x or something and found his cleanliness insanely hot. She also finds his accent to be endearing.
Blah blah blah …
I wish I had the guts to do something like that.
4:36 PM
Hermione is trying to make me study by forcing me to make notes on cards. It's some Muggle studying method that she says "works wonders"…
Apparently the cards are called 'flashcards'. They don't flash at all. Muggles are strange.
Anyways, what she doesn't know is that Luna and I made it into something actually fun instead of dead boring.
Hermione loves boring things. I believe there's something wrong with her over-used brain.
4:38 PM
Flashcard #23 (of course…):
Side 1: Blast-ended shrewt
Side 2: McGonagall's husband. When he gets fed up with her overbearing attitude, his bum explodes. Either that or McGonagall's cooking is truly something awful.
… I love studying.
4:40 PM
Hermione asked to help me study with the cards. After seeing 'em...
… She didn't approve.
She just tutted like a McGonagall and told me that, one of these days, I'm going to have to take something seriously… blah blah blah
Pffft. I wonder what sucked the fun out of her when she was a child. Maybe the same thing that made her hairstyle permanently resemble the wrong side of a sheep.
5:30 PM
Jive has disappeared with her foreign man and Luna is out hunting for some creature.
Maybe I can take this time to work on
5:32 PM
Hey! I found my old neon-green knee-socks. And some strappy high heels.
Hmmm… if I unbutton my shirt and take off my undershirt, I could pass as a high-end stripper.
Not sure if that's a good thing or not.
5:35 PM
Yes! My knee socks match my bra!
5:45 PM
Luna and Jive walked in as I was attempting to "strut my stuff" in front of the mirror.
How embarrassing. I don't know if I can look them in the eyes.
6:10 PM
They both joined in with skank attire of their own. Jive didn't have to change what she was wearing too much, though.
We then took pictures with Collin's camera like models or something.
I kinda wanted to know why they even had that, but I didn't ask.
6:19 PM
Once we were decently dressed again, we all stumbled down to dinner, laughing like loons. McGonagall tutted us and told us to be more mature. This made us laugh harder.
6:23 PM
We stumbled right into Malfoy and crew.
After many intense hours… or seconds… Malfoy smirked and allowed his gaze to linger on my breasts. I'd forgotten my undershirt! Everyone could see my neon green bra!
After hexing him with my patented Bat Bogeys and storming off, I felt a bit better.
But I'd lost my appetite.
The bra incident reminded me of how, this Saturday, I'm supposed to go to Hogsmeade with Malfoy or 'D' or whatever.
Can I just ignore it, or will he not allow me to do so? What if the spell forces me to go?
Ugh… I can't eat. I feel queasy.
6:35 PM
Oh! Chocolate cake!
6:45 PM
Ugh. I regret eating so much cake… especially when I wasn't even hungry to begin with.
I told Luna and Jive to roll me out of the Great Hall. They attempted to do so, but it was impossible to do without me being trampled.
Plus, it only made me feel queasier.
7:01 PM
Humphrey farted out some pinkish cloud that made the flowers on What'sherface's bed bloom like crazy.
Then he ate them.
I'm beginning to think there's more to this Chinchilla than just randomness…
9:10 PM
Humphrey has taken to sleeping in my hair.
It's cute… until I try to move. Then I get swatted in the face with his tail.
9:43 PM
Oh sod it all… I was supposed to do an essay for Fitzgerald's class.
Maybe he'll be a "homie" and let me turn it in late?
Wednesday, September 8
7:19 AM
I opened my trunk this morning after a quick "Trust Fall!" with What'sherface and found it was filled with tiny, writhing garden snakes.
They then formed a large "L" with their nasty little bodies.
Our "Annual Prank Wars" have commenced.
7:21 AM
I don't even remember how, why, or even when these wars started. All I know is that we do them every year and I always win.
Actually, that was a lie. I've never won a single Annual Prank War. Luna's too crafty. And Ravenclaw-y.
8:26 AM
Luna attacked again with the butter on the table "buttering me up for the competition" (according to the note).
Ugh… she knows how much I detest puns unless I'm the one saying them.
Game on, Lovegood. Game on.
8:34 AM
What to do, what to dooo…
I could hex her schoolbag to continuously break open, no matter what she tries to do to it, but that's an elementary-style prank.
Also, Luna is a Ravenclaw for a reason. I have to try extra-hard to be sneaky when I prank her.
Luckily for me/unluckily for her, I'm only a pseudo-Gryffindor. I've decided that I'm probably a Slytherin at heart.
9:02 AM
After I was finished sniffing Kevin Clements (nts: he smells like my lotion; keep an eye out for this guy), he asked me if I would ever consider allowing him to butter my muffin.
He must be training to be a butler.
That's so cute.
9:06 AM
I told him that maybe he should try buttering his own muffin… that maybe it'd be good to get practice in first, in case did something wrong with mine.
He looked appalled. So did his friends.
What? I'm protective over my food. They probably think I'm a fatty now. Oh well.
1:18 PM
I have a pimple. Right on my temple.
It's one of those painful ones, too.
Ouch, ouch, ouch… I hate being a teenager.
1:19 PM
How does Romilda Vane put up with this?
Her face is completely covered in pimples. I would curl up into a ball and wither away if faced with owning that face. I'm just not that strong, I guess.
1:22 PM
That was mean. I still don't feel guilty, though.
Romilda's vindictive and evil when given the chance to be.
2:12 PM
Well then. I have a chinchilla taking up most of my bed.
How is this even possible, you ask?
Well, it's possible when said chinchilla makes a giant nest out of random pieces of things I'd rather not identify that covers most of the bed.
I'm not going to touch it.
I'll just call a house elf later.
Right now, Humphrey can chill in his homemade bachelor pad. It's better than having to bring him to class today.
2:50 PM
There's some sort of mandatory assembly happening in The Great Hall at the moment. These things are always so boring. Last year, there was one that centered on 'Sexual Education'.
Everyone, including the teachers giving the lecture, seemed to be completely embarrassed throughout the entire thing.
The worst part was when they performed a skit that was supposed to show us the benefits of abstinence. It starred McGonagall and Professor Binns. Needless to say, the entire skit was awkward and left every single student (and staff member) completely mortified.
Let's hope this assembly is about chocolate or something.
3:00 PM
I'm so angry right now.
I just passed by some people charming mustaches onto statues.
…
I mean seriously?
…Why the bloody hell hadn't I thought of that?
Now I have to act as if they're doing something wrong and as if what they're doing isn't funny at all.
Because I didn't come up with it first.
3:10 PM
Uh…
3:11 PM
Mrs. Norris just gave me the 'peace sign'. I swear.
3:22 PM
Nobody believes me. I must find her and make her do it again.
3:45 PM
…
…
So. Yeah.
This staircase started moving whilst I was on it.
That's really not that rare of an occurrence. I assume it's because the staircases get bored and aggravated. I mean, I would also if I constantly had teenagers stomping all over me.
However, this is the first time that I've gotten stuck on a staircase because it stopped moving.
It's literally "just chillin'" out in the open.
3:55 PM
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid staircase.
I've tried kicking it, punching it, and even biting it, but it hasn't budged a single inch.
I now regret biting it. I'm probably going to get some disgusting foot fungus inside of my mouth.
4:00 PM
Imagine that…
I wonder what that would be like.
… blegh. Gross mental image.
4:12 PM
Why did everyone in this bloody school suddenly decide to disappear today of all days?
Not a single person has passed by yet.
When I want to be alone, people won't stop bothering me. When I need help, though, it's an entirely different story.
This is madness!
4:31 PM
Oh bloody hell. Off in the distance, there's a person jumping up and down in a painting, trying to get my attention.
Why won't that creeper leave me alone? It really can't be that boring being in a painting. Honestly.
4:44 PM
I've been here for an hour now. It's nice to know that my wonderful friends care about me enough to keep tabs on me.
That was sarcasm, by the way.
4:49 PM
I could be drowning in the lake and nobody would notice or care.
Well… maybe that squid would notice. He probably wouldn't appreciate me dying on his house.
That'd certainly ruin my day if I were a giant squid.
5:00 PM
So hungry. It feels as if my stomach is about to eat its way out of my body.
I can smell the food in the Great Hall and it's making this ten times worse for me.
5:05 PM
Oh bloody hell. What on earth is that sound? It sounds as if someone is running their nails over a chalkboard whilst torturing a poor, defenseless creature.
5:08 PM
Ah. It's just Bertha. She's humming or something.
Wait… BERTHA!
5:16 PM
She's noticed me and I can tell that the wheels in her brain are beginning to turn.
Her face is rather comical.
Her chins are wobbling and her mouth is slightly agape. I do hope she figures out what to do soon because I think I need to pee now.
5:30 PM
Ah, finally! She sprung into action and is now full-on running at my staircase.
I don't think I've ever seen her move that fast. She must really care about me.
5:35 PM
She hurled herself off of the edge of the floor, dove towards the staircase and then grasped onto the edge of it. I assumed that she was going to attempt to pull the staircase down and force it to move, but instead she somehow managed to hoist herself over the edge of it and then plop down onto the steps with a loud 'thunk'.
Now we're both stuck here.
5:48 PM
She's lying on her back, trying to catch her breath, so I really can't ask her how on Earth she believes this is helping me in any way.
It may take her a while, too. She really overexerted herself being a complete moron.
I swear… I'm completely surrounded by numskulls.
Now I'm back to square one or whatever it's called, except now I really have to pee, I'm really hungry, and my bum is starting to get sore from sitting on these uncomfortable steps.
6:05 PM
Seriously? Nobody's walked by yet?
This is insane.
It's almost as if someone's ...
...playing a prank on me…
6:07 PM
Oh sod it all. Why did it take me this long to realize that the brains behind this are in a head completely covered in giant blond curls.
I am going to strangle Luna Lovegood with my bare hands.
6:08 PM
Actually… why would someone strangle someone else with their bare hands? That doesn't make any sense. Don't Muggle cops go searching for fingerprints when someone has been murdered?
6:12 PM
I wonder how long she's going to make me suffer up here.
Especially while Bertha's having some sort of inappropriate gas attack.
Oh look at her; she's trying to act as if it were somebody else.
Why am I the only Weasley with common sense?
6:20 PM
Something feels off here. And it's really, really cold.
I'd give anything to be sitting in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room right now.
6:30 PM
The candles have all gone out and the only light is from the setting sun that's shining through a window.
This is beginning to get creepy.
6:43 PM
Luna has really outdone herself here. If she keeps this up, I may have to admit defeat.
I even think the glass on the window is starting to ice over.
Elaborate.
6:48 PM
Bertha finally managed to catch her breath.
Now she's humming again.
I almost miss the pitiful gasping noises.
6:59 PM
I got desperate and tried suggesting to Bertha that we cuddle in order to warm ourselves up.
She assured me that she was perfectly content temperature-wise. She then went on to say that, if I packed on a few pounds, I wouldn't have this 'unseemly temperature problem'.
Selfish. That's what she is. And spiteful.
7:22 PM
Status update:
I still have no idea what Bertha is even doing here.
My bladder is about to burst.
My stomach has probably eaten my small intestine by now.
Bertha smells like bacon.
My bum is numb from prolonged exposure to hard stairs.
The rest of my body is going numb from prolonged exposure to an inexplicably freezing castle.
Not a single person has walked by and noticed the floating staircase. (Yes. It's floating.)
The guy in the painting mooned me about 5 minutes ago.
I'm so thirsty, my mouth has cemented shut.
My ears are probably bleeding thanks to Bertha's butchering of every song I've ever heard.
Aaaand I have now thought up about 50 different ways to torture Luna Lovegood.
7:43 PM
There are some "Dementors" roaming the castle.
Nice touch, Luna. They almost seem real.
7:52 PM
Bertha just fainted. Thank God for that. I believe I would hear The Hallelujah Chorus in my head if Bertha hadn't just destroyed my perception of that song.
8:01 PM
Wow. These Dementors are so realistic. It's crazy.
I feel pretty depressed right now—as if there's no reason to live.
Touché, Lovegood.
8:08 PM
They're heading right towards the staircase. Is this the end of the prank? I hope so. I'm about to pee on the fake Dementor.
8:17 PM
They look real and feel real, but they're so obviously fakes.
It's just common sense.
8:32 PM
Hmmm… clever, Luna. They're searching the staircase as if they're looking for an escaped convict or something.
She really did her research.
After we're done with this prank war and I've slapped her across the face multiple times, I'm going to have to make her teach me how to do this.
It'd be so awesome to use this against Harry.
Because he cries like a baby whenever they're around.
8:36 PM
They moved towards me as if to try and suck the bad memories out of me, but acted all confused and turned away.
Fail, Luna. The illusion has slipped.
8:44 PM
Still…Wow. This is so well-thought-out. A poor old man in tattered Ministry of Magic robes just crawled out from underneath the staircase, screaming bloody murder as the "Dementors" seemingly sucked his soul right out of him.
Wait, is this supposed to scare me? If so, this is rather pitiful.
Everyone knows the Dementor's kiss wouldn't be administered in front of innocent civilian wizards. Also, why would dementors be going after a MoM Official?
That's just stupid, Luna.
8:46 PM
Bertha woke up and saw what was going on.
She's unconscious again.
Wimp.
8:50 PM
I do hope this "Dementor" hurries up. I really do need to pee. Now.
9:03 PM
The "man" looks really lost and expressionless. His eyes are dark and have an empty look to them.
The "Dementors" look pretty content though.
Well, as content as a Dementor could ever look.
9:17 PM
Oh, thank the Lord! They're all gone and the staircase finally moved.
The castle seems brighter and homier than before. Despite that one slip-up, Luna really outdid herself.
Bertha's still unconscious on the staircase. I think I'll leave her there. That's what she gets for lacking musical talent and almost letting me freeze.
9:22 PM
McGonagall, Snape, and various other teachers appeared just as I was preparing to get off of the staircase.
They seem shocked to see me here.
Well, where were they a few hours ago?
9:34 PM
I'm now sitting in Dumbledore's old office, waiting to talk to Snape about something.
... wait. Waaait. I've been so preoccupied with myself that I haven't even given this a second thought- Didn't Snape kill Dumbledore last year?
Why is he headmaster?
Wait. What exactly is going on at this school?
9:35 PM
I'm too tired, hungry, and uncomfortable to care at the moment to care. I'll ponder this more later.
My stomach is growling loudly and my bladder has now expanded to the size of the Eiffel Tower.
Snape better make this quick. I'm about to go wee in that pretty little Pensieve.
9:36 PM
Oh! Candy!
9:43 PM
I hope he won't notice that most of his candy is gone.
It's sooo delicious though. I can't stop eating it.
9:50 PM
He finally decided to enter his office whilst I was shoving the 10th piece of candy into my over-stuffed mouth.
He asked me how I was feeling after my ordeal (but it seemed forced, as if he didn't actually care). My answer was a very eloquent "mrrrmph."
10:10 PM
He told me there had been an escaped convict on the loose. He really stressed that. As if he were trying to convince me of it.
But I know Ministry of Magic Robes when I see 'em. If this is Luna's way of trying to make me forget one of the errors in her prank, she's got another thing coming. I like to complain about things. She's not going to take that away from me this time.
Anyways, because of this "escaped convict", the staircases stopped working (one of the many safety features in the castle). The students had been kept in the Great Hall, and the Dementors had been allowed access into the castle in order to capture him and administer The Kiss.
He was apparently very shocked (even though his facial expression remained as stony as ever) that I'd even been there and asked me why I'd even left The Great Hall in the first place.
I told him that I'd been trying to get Mrs. Norris to give me "the peace sign".
. . .
Now he's looking at me as if I'm off my rocker.
Whatever.
Luna has taken this too far. Getting Sour-grape Snape in on the prank? That's just insane.
10:20 PM
Sti-i-ill waiting in Dumbledore's old office (I refuse to refer to is as "Snape's")...
My professors are all chatting-it-up with each other in another part of the office.
No, it's fine guys. Let my bladder explode; I never liked it much anyways.
Oh, take your time. It's not as if you can hear my loudly grumbling stomach or anything. You are old folk.
Pshhh, don't mind me. I'll just be over here massaging my bum. It's just for fun though. It's not as if I've been sitting in uncomfortable places for the last five hours or anything.
... I think the extreme discomfort has kicked my sarcasm mode into high gear.
10:28 PM
They're asking me to tell them exactly what I saw, and promising to provide any needed therapy sessions for me, and that they'll even give me any needed days off from school.
Quite frankly, they're just taking this too far.
And the pressure down below is getting to be unbearable.
10:30 PM
Can't focus… too many people talking… headache forming… bladder about to burst… stomach eating large intestine now… buns burning (and not in the good way)… back aching… eyes drooping…
10:45 PM
Without even a backwards glance, I had jumped up and raced out of the office.
I don't even bloody care how rude it was. I'm so much more comfortable at the moment. My bladder is still mad at me, it seems, but at least it's empty.
Thank God.
11:12 PM
Ahhh… Sweet relief.
Now that I've bathed and eaten, I feel ten times better.
Now I can concentrate on getting back at Luna.
11:30 PM
Oh … Humphrey just bit off a piece of some girl's hair.
I guess I could do one of three things.
1. I could wake her up and inform her of the horror that's befallen on her admittedly pretty hair
2. I could try and magically reattach it
Or
3. I could just pretend to not have noticed it at all.
DING DING DING. We have a winner. And it's 3.
My laziness knows no bounds.
11:44 PM
La ti daaa and toodle lee doo…
I can't sleep. At all.
I'm going to "pull an all-nighter", as I've heard of some students doing around exam time.
While Luna's off blissfully unaware in dreamland, I'll be plotting a kick-arse way to get back at her. It's the perfect plan.
Besides, who needs sleep? I'll be just fine without it.
[THIS STORY IS GETTING INSANE]