Interlude: Santana's Column
The Adventures of the Best Friend of a Broadway Star
Okay. Let's talk about the only thing that makes Miss Broadway blush. SEX. Sex. It's not that big of a deal; it's only three letters. When I have sex, a guy needs to be able to do three things, know how to do it, know how to keep it up, and know how to make me climax. This may make me sound cheap, but I'll be damned if I care. I don't do relationships.
Then there's Miss Broadway. See, as much as I hate to say it, her relationship with Mr Broadway was doomed for failure from the start. I love Miss Broadway, but the fact that she wouldn't put out leads to one of the reasons that Mr Broadway cheated. So now I guess I can't call him Mr Broadway. So I'll call him Mr Traitor. While I understand Miss Broadway is being a "good Jew" and waiting until she's married, she can't have actually expected Mr Traitor to stay monogamous until they got married. Although they were engaged, and the date was set. And then he cheated. So I guess it is Mr Traitors fault. He had already waited…oh three years or so to get sex from Miss Broadway, he could've waited three more months, then he would've had his virginal Miss Broadway forever and ever! But I call him Mr Traitor for a reason. He didn't wait. So I guess in a roundabout way, I'm saying this is Mr Traitor's fault, not Miss Broadway's. Wow, it took me a long time to get to the point.
Anyhow, I introduce a new character to our cast. You've already met Miss Broadway, Mr Traitor (Ex Mr Broadway), and Mr Diva, plus me, lowly Miss Novelist. Now you're meeting Mr Badass.
Now, before you ask, yes, I did sleep with Mr Badass. And he was a damn good lay. If he ever reads the column and finds out I'm talking about him, he'll smirk. But it's the truth. Moving on. Mr Badass had a thing for Miss Broadway when we all went to school together. Of course, Mr Traitor had been Miss Broadway's boyfriend, and Mr Badass and Mr Traitor were best friends. So Mr Badass never had the chance, not that he was good enough for Miss Broadway at the time. Now, why has Mr Badass come into the picture? Well, I happen to know who Miss Broadway went home with last night.
Let's start at the beginning; Mr Traitor and Miss Broadway were apartment hunting. Mr Broadway became Mr Traitor, and Miss Broadway threw her engagement ring away. Moving on, I call Miss Broadway, and she tells me the whole dirty story. I tell her she needs to get laid. I wasn't joking; Miss Broadway always takes my comments like that as jokes though. So I suggested my second best option, going out on the town. So we do, we go out to a bar, and then to Planet Rose. Because, well, her name should say it all. Miss Broadway can sing. Anyhow, I was gone about twenty minutes into the Planet Rose scene, after a very sexually charged performance of Radar by Britney Spears. I went home to get my wonderful S-E-X.
But before talking about that, let's see how Mr Badass plays into this. I saw Mr Badass the moment I walked into Planet Rose, I knew that Mr Traitor would never go clubbing on his own, so I knew someone was there. Lo and behold, it was Mr Badass, even though I hadn't seen him in years and I had no clue what he was doing in New York. Mr Badass was focused on me throughout the entire performance. He didn't recognize me without the cheerleading uniform on, but I knew he thought I was hot. If he had seen Miss Broadway when he saw me, he would've had a heart attack. Mr Badass was used to a Miss Broadway of the past, who had no fashion sense, used no makeup, and dressed in owl sweaters and plaid skirts. I purposely walked over to her, showing him that she was there, but he never noticed. But Miss Broadway sang, I know that much. And Mr Badass would never forget Miss Broadway's voice.
So maybe my unplanned plan worked. Maybe Miss Broadway did go home with Mr Badass. It's highly likely. Miss Broadway was definitely drunk by the end of the night. Mr Badass would never let Miss Broadway go home alone and drunk, so he probably helped her. Whether he took her to his house or to her house, it doesn't matter. He'd never do anything to her that was out of line.
So maybe I'm helping Miss Broadway. Or maybe I'm just helping her get laid.
Who knows.
I do!