Author's Notes: My first chapter was well received for it's "realism" it seems, I was really just writing from the heart, as all my fan-fictions are. I've lived a similar experience to the ones told in these stories so I understand how they effect people. Not just that person, but the people around them, friends and family mostly. The first chapter was showcasing a particular way of thinking, Shinichi's way, as he was contemplating his individual reasons. This chapter hopefully show cases the worries and fears that can develop from having a long distance relationship, and from having to confess to a dear friend what's going on. This is an overview of not JUST Heiji's feelings, but their rough beginnings as an adult couple, and how fragile love can be when it first starts out. I know it may seem like Heiji is focused on Shinichi too much but that was the point, his relationship is hanging precariously by a thread. Taking a giant leap like this is dangerous for even heterosexual couples, even more so for homosexual couples. I hope that this story is able to achieve this goal, I also hope that you all may continue to enjoy. I will eventually post the story behind telling Ran as well, so please continue to read.
The walk from the station was a quiet one, far from the "lover's reunion" Heiji was accustomed too. He and Kudo would often talk vividly on this trek back to his place, as if to make up for absent time. Even Kudo, who was a man of few words, would end up recounting recent cases in colorful detail. Heiji had to admit, with some guilt, he loved the way Kudo's eyes lit up looking at him with a child-like wonder. He understood that wonder all too well, as he'd hung on every word Kudo uttered.
Yet this time was different, even in silence it was comfortable, but now it was heavy and tense. He knew why, but he couldn't bring himself to mention it, he just wanted to be happy that Kudo was going to stay over on the holiday. Yet this was far from a vacation, they were taking a giant leap in their relationship even if it felt like baby steps.
He sighed out, listening to their foot falls on the concrete beneath them. Occasionally Kudo would ask something but the answer was often an easy one, and didn't advance beyond that. Heiji was starting to feel a little uneasy about the whole thing. Neither of them liked lying, but for him it was easier than being truthful.
He felt guilty for feeling the way he did, but he liked the way things were. He could stay friends with Kazuha, and they could continue loving one another without prejudice. Yet he knew the longer they hid it the higher the risk was of getting caught, and really hurting their close friends. He didn't want that at all, the last thing he wanted was to hurt Kazuha. Though they had already kept this secret for two years!
That couldn't be helped though, two years ago everything was very unstable between them. Things were starting to get back to normal, with Kudo getting his body back and returning to his normal routine. It put a slight strain on their already fragile relationship, Kudo had to catch up on missed school work, and had little time for much else, including him.
He recalled getting drunk one night and braved a trip to Tokyo, stumbling from the station he banged on Kudo's door demanding entrance. It had to be late, the moon was barely visible from Kudo's house, he did remember that much. Though his memory of the incident was foggy, he knew as soon as he saw Kudo, he broke down, crying and begging Kudo not to leave him.
He could still feel it, even now, Kudo's tender touch as he held him and rubbed his back, letting him cry his pain's worth in tears. When he was done, and halfway sober, Kudo assured him that he had no plans to leave him, but school had kept him exceptionally busy. Though this was a valid reason, Kudo still apologized to him. Despite his reasons, Kudo understood his feelings all too well. Heiji smiled softly at the memory, what an idiot he was.
"We have to tell them" Kudo stated, mostly to himself, but loud enough to break Heiji from his memories. It was obvious Kudo was in a similar state of mind, which was all too common for them.
"I know..." Heiji said as the smile slipped from his face. He felt sick every time they talked about this, sick and scared. He felt like his insides were shaking uncontrollably, as he attempted to keep the emotions subdued in his response.
Heiji chanced a look at Kudo who was looking at him, much to his surprise, yet the fear that filled those blue eyes left him heartbroken. Heiji attempted an encouraging smile, he tried to make it as sincere as possible. Though the unflinching fear plastered on Kudo's face told him, even his smile couldn't hide the fact he was equally terrified.
It wasn't long before they reached his house and settled in, eating supper in silence. The only noises that echoed in his small living room was the click of chopsticks and the rare bits of conversation. Afterward, Heiji stood at the sink staring at the soap suds of the sponge he was using. He slipped his hand under the facet as he started to scrub the dishes in the slightly warm water. It was in these tranquil moments, stuck in tedious yet mindless chores did his thoughts begin to roam.
He glanced out the kitchen window, he prayed tomorrow didn't have to come. The thought of tomorrow left him wondering what exactly he would say to Kazuha.. He had to get everything straight before hand, otherwise, he knew he'd be blubbering like a fool. It wasn't long before his thoughts took him back. When had he REALLY started feeling differently towards Kudo?
He frowned, he couldn't remember at all, he thought back to the times him and Kudo, as Conan, solved mysteries together. He remembered feeling exceptionally close to Kudo, despite his physical size. He loved how their minds functioned differently, yet they always reached that one truth. How they'd sit together, hands to their faces as they thought through a crime. How well they worked together to apprehend the suspect. Yet, was that really where it began?
He carefully put the bowls in the drying rack, once he'd rinsed them of their soapy lather. He let out a soft sigh, his mind working over time to grasp something that could help him pinpoint where these feelings began. He remembered all the times they talked avidly among themselves away from the girls. Time, place, and even other people, ceased to exist in those moments, sometimes morning would creep up on them, forcing them to reluctantly break and sleep.
A fond smile spread across his face, his mind racking over all the good times, and the bad times. They all seemed so precious now, it wasn't until his mind touched on a particular memory did the smile fade. He remembered now, when he first started to notice these feelings. He recalled Kudo staying over one time on accident, they'd exhausted themselves after a case and passed out on his bed.
He happened to awake early that following morning, the early rays of the sun caught Kudo's child like face in a most artistic way. He remembered being entranced by it, how the his skin, pale as it was, shimmered under the golden rays of light. Making little flaws, seem like little pieces of perfection, his face relaxed as he slept soundly next to him. He'd never forget it, that picture perfect scene. He remembered imagining what would happen if he leaned in just a bit to kiss those soft lips.
He chuckled, he should have known then, but he had to admit, he was pretty dense at times. There again, who wouldn't deny those frightening feelings at first? He wanted to believe so strongly back then that he'd find the right girl to fall in love with. That he'd join the police force, and do what every normal person did with his life. Though, the more time he spent with Kudo, the more he realized, that's not what his heart really desired. He'd spent so much time chasing an ideal that wasn't his, that he nearly missed the warning signs.
It was a scary thought, what if he never realized his feelings for Kudo where would he be right now? He explored the thought, he fancied he'd be doing exactly what he did on holidays, lazing around reading or studying. Maybe even chatting with Kazuha about plans for the following day, going out somewhere to enjoy the holiday break. He didn't really mind the thought, but he felt a sting of sadness in it too, almost a bit lonely.
He got startled out of his thoughts when he felt a pair of arms slip around his waist. He turned back looking at Kudo, he absently wondered if Kudo had been born from the sea. His blue eyes reminded him so much so of the ocean, when angered terrifying, but beautifully calm when serene. Kudo gave a sigh, realizing Heiji wasn't going to turn off the faucet, and reached to turn it off. Heiji blinked in the sink curiously and realized, the dishes had been done and he'd scarcely noticed, he kicked himself for being absentminded.
"I was wondering what was taking you so long, idiot" he said giving Heiji a flat stare.
"Sorry, Sorry, were you lonely without me?" he asked playing it off with a sweet smile
"Hah! Don't kid yourself! I just thought maybe you drowned in the dish water" Kudo said teasing him mercilessly.
Heiji gave a sad smile in response, Kudo blinked at him seeing the sadness well up in those green eyes.
"Heiji?" Kudo asked, he knew something was off.
Heiji looked at Kudo and sighed "...what happens to us...if...if things don't turn out like we hope?" he asked looking Kudo in the eye, searching for some spark of hope for them in the end.
Kudo blinked at him, it was then he realized why Heiji had been so quiet since his arrival. Kudo shook his head "If our friends don't agree, it's not a cause to break up" Kudo told him simply as if the answer should have been obvious already.
"And if they threaten to tell our folks?" Heiji questioned insistently
"Then we tell them before they do" Kudo said closing his eyes and placing his hands on the back of his head, nodding determinedly.
"And if that goes wrong?" Heiji asked flatly not liking these simple answers, giving Kudo an irritated glare.
"And if it does?" Kudo asked back evenly.
Heiji looked startled by the reply, he wouldn't leave Kudo over something like that. Yet, he feared being alienated from his friends and family, he wondered if Kudo felt the same. Kudo gave a soft sigh and studied Heiji gently,
"Heiji, if no one approves, then we just have to make the best of the situation. If we're not willing to go the extra mile to do that, then it's not worth the trouble." Kudo told him honestly "If either of us have doubts enough that we're deterred then, maybe this wasn't a good idea after all"
Heiji slumped against the sink looking at Kudo, the truth stung but that's what he loved about Kudo. He spoke the truth when it mattered, and he spoke it so well. He looked at the boy before him, he felt his heart swell and for a moment all his fears and uncertainties were laid to rest. He reached and laced his tanned fingers in Kudo's, marveling at the contrast of their skin color.
"I'm just scared, but, I'm glad you're here" Heiji said softly,
They stood, hand in hand for a while before parting to take their showers individually.
"Come on, just sleep with me!" Heiji begged, Kudo eyed him suspiciously.
"No, you'll try something perverted, I'm on to you Hattori" Kudo replied moving to go to his room.
Heiji reached out grabbing his wrist stopping Kudo, who looked at him seeing the unspoken plead laid out so nakedly in his eyes. Kudo relaxed and allowed himself to be led to Heiji's room where they laid down together, curled in one another arms. Coupled only with the stars that laid beyond Heiji's window, the moon no where to be seen.
Despite all they had said, Heiji knew that the future was the most uncertain variable in life. No matter what they said now, they may not feel like that tomorrow after everything was said and done. So, before that, he wanted to hold Kudo close, just in case this was the last chance he got.
Heiji relaxed into Kudo's arms, feeling Kudo here was enough to stave off his fears and doubts. The same must have been true for Kudo as well, as not long after, they dozed off without another troubling thought.