Author's Unimportant Note: This scene is a bit iffy, but I'm going to keep it T because it'll get more views that way. Some Huddy bashing, Lucas lovin', and both gay and lesbian implications.

"So, where's your FUCKING BOYFRIEND?"

"Lord Nathaniel, I think this has gotten out of hand."

"Shush, Princess Sophierica. I can handle this."

Both Cuddy and House were tied to chairs and had duck tape on their mouths. Cuddy appeared to be weeping, but she could just be sweating. Nobody was sure.

All of the Leverage team had fancy suits on, along with ski masks to cleverly hide their identities. The only person who appeared normal was Lucas, who was shuffling on his feet nervously. "NATE! NATE! Don't kill them."

Nate squinted. "Who is this Nate you speak of?" He turned to Cuddy and House. "I am Lord Nathaniel."

They were in Cuddy's house, and everybody heard Parker scream from the back room. "I found the baby!"

Cuddy tried to scream, but the duck tape muffled her cries.

"Lord Nathaniel, this really wasn't how it should have played out." Sophie seemed scared, as if she'd have never done anything worse than stealing pocket change.

"I agree." Hardison stumbled up.

A gun fired.

3 hours earlier

"I'm sorry, Nate, but we can't help this guy. We're con artists, not revenge specialists." Sophie growled.

Nate put his puppy face on. He looked away. "I'm sorry, Sophie. This case just kind of-" He stuttered. "Kind of reminds me when Sam died."

Sophie wasn't ruffled. "Bullshit."

Parker appeared in the door with Lucas unsteadily grasping her arm. "Lucas says that he really hopes that the ugly British chick will help him."

Sophie gasped and put her hands on her hips. "I was planning to hop on your disco stick, but I guess not." She gave a huff.

Eliot angrily ran into the room, Hardison not far behind. "No Hardison! I will not fuck you. Ever." He grabbed the hacker by the shirt collar and threw him across the room, where he promptly crashed into Sophie's unsuspecting figure.

"AAHHH! RAPE!" Hardison screeched, batting the grifter off him. Sophie stood up, fuming at both Eliot and Hardison. "Alec, you're so obviously gay it hurts. Get. Over. It."

"I'm not." Hardison, in a frenzy, took off his shirt. "THESE." He motioned to his lower abdomen. "Are the abs of a straight man."

Eliot snorted.

"We need to find a way to get back at this Lisa Cuddy person, remember?" Nate flipped a switch, and a giant TV lowered to expose a video of somebody's house.

"...When did we install that?" Hardison had already put his shirt back on and was eying the screen. "Mayne, hell would freeze over before I was oblivious to something like that."

"Me and Lucas did it." Nate beamed. "He had already put a bunch of cameras and microphones into Cuddy's house, and we hooked it up to this baby." He petted the screen softly. "I got it when Maggie and I had a really big fight, and she forgot to take her credit card with her when she rushed out. It's been living in my closet for a couple of years."

"Right next to the dead body?" Parker asked, eyes wide in awe.

Before Nate could say anything, Eliot piped up. "No, just no. There is no way that fucking screen fit in any form of a closet." Eliot finished his last statement in a growl.

Sophie rolled her eyes. "It's not like it could fit, even if there was room; Nate's pornos take up half of the room."

"LOL Sophie said something funny. Mark your calenders." Hardison said gleefully.

"Ahem." Lucas coughed, easing his way into the team's conversation. "Time is running out." He looked down at his wrist. "It's almost ten."

"You don't have a watch." Eliot growled.

"That's okay!" Nate puffed his chest proudly. "The screen has a built in clock!"

"Let's just get this ovah with." Everybody registered her accent now, even Lucas. They all stood there for a moment, silent, until Lucas opened his mouth.

"How do people understand you?" He asked. Before she could reply, he kept going. "Like, when you're at Taco Bell, how does the minority know what you're ordering?"

"Whatchu talkin' bout minority?" Hardison growled.

Lucas raised his palms. "Sorrwee, I was referring to the Latino, but whatever."

Before Parker could spew some bullshit about Nate being Mexican, the sound system started to boom out some muffled grunts.

Nate's brow furrowed. "Did someone beat us to it? Can the two be in trouble? Hardison, check each room."

On the third room, the bedroom, they struck gold. To the crew's horror, along with Lucas', they saw two really ugly people on the bed. Cuddy was riding House like a cowgirl, and both were letting out nasty, nasty sound effects.

Lucas started to spill out that day's lunch, and four out of the five members of the crew ducked and threw themselves against the floor, screaming. All except Parker, who titled her head and stared at the screen, not blinking. In a scientific, robot tone, she stated promptly, "She's about to release."

Lucas started to bawl, and Eliot yelled at him. "IF YOU GRAB YOUR CROTCH, I PROMISE YOU I'LL THROW YOU INTO THE OTHER ROOM. THROUGH THE FUCKING WALL."

Hardison scooted over to hold Lucas comfortingly. "It's okay baby." He rocked back and forth. "She's gonna pay. She's gonna pay."

Any hope that Hardison was straight flew out of the window.

Sophie peered up from where she was ducked behind the table. "Hey, Nate. Come comfort me." She started to bawl. Nate quickly scrambled up and ran to wrap his arms around her shoulders.

Parker turned to Eliot. "We're the only two that's left. Become one flesh, yes?"

"We're not having sex." Eliot growled. At his words, the couple on the TV screen "finished," and were now cuddling. Lucas pushed Hardison away. "Can you believe that? Cuddling? She'd never cuddle with me. Not after sex."

"I say we should break into their house." Nate dropped Sophie and she let out a screech. "We break in, with disguises, of course, and just ruffle 'em up a bit."

"Good idea." Lucas nodded, and Nate beamed. Eliot growled. Did EVERYBODY have a hard on for this guy?

Nate skipped over to a small closet in the room and pulled out five suits. "Sorry, Luke, but you'll have to go as is." Did he just call him Luke?

Parker started to strip to put her suit on, but Sophie quickly stopped her and shuffled the thief into another room.

Sophie placed Parker in the back of the room. "Stay here and change, kay?" Sophie eyed the thief as she remained still. "Good. Now just stay." Parker remained silent.

But as Sophie turned to walk out of the door, Parker hurried in front of her and shut the door. "Female Rape" flashed through Sophie's mind about a dozen times, but then Sophie remembered this was Parker. It also, unfortunately, reminded her that Parker probably didn't know the difference between consensual sex and rape.

Parker stared disapprovingly at Sophie. "Do you want to fuck Lucas?"

"No." Sophie lied.

Parker remained unconvinced. "I'll fight you for it." Sophie screeched as Parker tackled her, shoving her against the bed as she attempted to block Sophie's feeble retaliations.

Sophie was pretty sure Parker viewed this as a game; as one that was really funny and that they would laugh about later. Parker ripped Sophie's shirt off, along with her bra. Before Sophie could process what was going on, the grifter was already screaming, "RAPE! RAPE!"

Parker seemed confused by that, and for a moment loosened her grip. Sophie shoved her off, pushing her on the floor. The grifter hurtled herself towards the door, still screaming.

Nate, Eliot, Hardison, and Lucas were silently sipping tea as they chatted absentmindedly about guy stuff. "And this cheerleader in high school took my love note and put it in the star football player's locker. I was SOOO embarrassed."

"Hardison, I think we can now trace your gayness back to the source."

Hardison was just about to add that the guy was really cute, but with Eliot's comment decided better on it. Just as he was about to say "I am not a gay man. I am a straight man." Sophie came barging into the room, shirtless, braless, and screaming her head off. Parker stumbled after her.

"Get away from me!" Sophie choked, scrambling in a corner, trying to hide her very, very exposed chest. "You tried to, you tried to," She stopped and wailed out the last bit. "RAPE ME!"

Hardison gasped and raised his hand over his mouth, crossing his legs. "Nuh uh, girlfriend." When Eliot glared at him, he quickly added, "Home dog. Brothah. Bro."

Nate tripped over to Sophie, holding her, his hand pressed comfortingly against her chest.

Parker looked confused. "No, I didn't. We were fighting, and I saw on TV where a person said you should expose your opponent's breast so they get self conscious and try to hide them."

Lucas came over and patted the thief's should. "It's okay. I understand." Parker stared at him lovingly, shooting Sophie a triumphant glare.

"Let's just get back to the revenge plan." Eliot growled.