WHY I TOOK SO LONG!!!!!!! READ!!!!!!
Yes, I know that everybody is about ready to kill me for taking so long to update. However, I have to say that there are some things that are more important then fanfiction and one of those things is my health. I have spent the last few weeks in and out of hospitals for testing, procedures and appointments and to be frank, I haven't been in the right frame of mind to write a humour fic. I got so much bad news at exactly the wrong time and it all just culminated. And then when I finally was back to normal after spending a week doing nothing but retail therapy with my friends, I get back home and find out that my health has apparently taken a real nosedive and I had to get more tests done and discovered that I have iron deficiency anemia.
That said; Congratulations to my wonderful beta zeropolis79 on his beautiful baby girl, Serenity!
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Remus immediately grabbed the potion next to him, and brought it up to his lips.
It was empty.
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Sirius' tirade was cut off before he could even start it, something Harry was incredibly thankful for. Sirius turned to his best friend indignantly, ready to demand from his best friend why he was interrupting him from delivering a sorely needed scolding to his godson.
What he was made him blink several times in surprise. His always calm best friend of over twenty years seemed to be on the verge of hyperventilating as he stared at a potions vial in disbelief.
"Er, Remus?" Sirius asked tentatively, glancing at Harry, who was staring at him. Despite his previous unconventional upbringing, Harry had already gotten used to Sirius being a paternal figure and, as such, thought that Sirius had all the answers.
"Be… Fine…" Remus managed to breathe out, leaning back on his chair and attempting to calm himself down by closing his eyes.
"Pronglet, get Remus some water, will you?" Sirius requested, somewhat hesitantly having no idea what to do. Remus was always the one in this position, he was supposed to be the one getting calmed down!
Harry quickly obeyed running into the kitchen and grabbing the nearest glass and filling it with water. He ran back into the living room, wondering wryly whether he would ever look at the room the same way again.
Sirius accepted the glass from his godson, and turned around to offer it to the still hyperventilating werewolf. Remus took the glass with shaky hands and took a deep drink of it, counting backwards from ten all the while. He hadn't been this shocked and terrified since he had found out that James, Sirius, and Peter had become illegal Animagi.
Harry was looking at his two guardians apprehensively, shifting from foot to foot. At the beginning, he had thought that Sirius would be the one to suffer the panic attacks while Remus would be his ever patient self. But, it seemed that Remus was no less overprotective of his charge then Sirius was. He just showed it in different ways.
After a solid five minutes of silence, Remus finally felt ready to speak. "What on earth were you thinking, Harry?" he asked, not shouting but with an underlying stern tone – and his voice still sounded shocked as well.
Harry winced, so much for getting away with not getting a lecture.
"I think we should finish the story first," Sirius interrupted, standing up. Seeing the relieved look on Harry's face, the man added sternly, "We will have a long talk about everything when we finish, don't you worry, Harry."
Harry looked up at Sirius with his puppy-dog pout.
Sirius determinedly looked away, thinking, must not look Harry in the eyes. Must not look Harry in the eyes. He led Harry back over to the couch, a steering hand on the small of his back.
"Probably a good idea," Remus said, frowning, "I'm getting the feeling that it's not going to get much better."
Harry let Sirius fuss over him with the blanket again, wondering how to twist this story so that it wouldn't sound so bad. He chewed on his lip, not noticing the knowing look that his guardians passed between them.
"Harry," Sirius said, settling himself down next to his godson, one arm over the boy's shoulder.
"Yeah?" Harry asked, looking up, in slight surprise.
"I wasn't kidding when I told you not to lie to me. I want the whole truth, are we understood?" Sirius said to him firmly.
"Yes," Harry muttered, wondering how Sirius had managed to tell what he was thinking.
"Well, then, keep going, Harry," Remus said, though now he spoke with a slight edge in his voice, dreading what he was about to be told.
"Did you get caught with the car?" Sirius asked, hoping that someone had decided to try and teach his godson that it was wrong to put his life in danger.
"Yes," Harry scowled. "By Snape, of all people."
Sirius seemed torn between abusing the man who had been his longtime enemy and being pleased that he had caught Harry, which meant that Harry would have been punished.
"Let's skip to the next part," Remus interrupted. "I don't think my heart can handle this…"
"I don't think my heart will be able to handle the next parts, if the year before was any sign," Sirius muttered under his breath.
"It's not that bad," Harry exclaimed, sulking a little.
"I'll be the judge of that," Sirius said, "keep going."
"Yeah, yeah," Harry said under his breath. He then continued on, louder, "Anyway, we got detention from McGonagall and a warning from Dumbledore. And the next morning we got a Howler from Mrs. Weasley."
Sirius nodded approvingly.
"As for after that, well," Harry hesitated, making both Sirius and Remus groan and bury their heads in their hands. It seemed that they had finally learned that all was not fun and games for Harry.
Maybe it's really not that bad, Sirius thought to himself optimistically. Or perhaps they were just delusional…
Remus, always quicker to accept things then Sirius was thinking the opposite; I wonder if they have any spare beds at St Mungos…
"It's not that bad, right," Sirius mumbled under his breath. "It can't be that bad. After all, Dumbledore can't do much worse then a troll…"
"Harry, keep going," Remus interrupted Sirius' ramblings.
"Nothing much happened for awhile, truth be told. Well, other then Lockhart being a completely incompetent teacher," Harry said, scowling.
"Really," Sirius said incredulously, hardly daring to believe it.
"You're positive?" Remus asked, suspiciously. "What happened during your detention?"
"It wasn't out in the Forbidden Forest again, was it?" Sirius asked sharply.
"No, but I wish it was," Harry said, still scowling. "I had it with bloody Lockhart."
"Language," Remus chided, wondering what Lockhart was like to make Harry hate him so much. Remus had never bothered reading Lockhart's books; he had never seen the need to. "What did he make you do?"
"He made me spend seven bloody hours answering his fan mail," Harry said scathingly. "Seven hours! It was torture, I swear."
"His fan mail," Sirius said in disbelief. "He made you answer his fan mail."
"For seven hours," Harry added indignantly, for once glad that he was talking about this. It felt good to be able to complain to someone other then Ron and Hermione.
"That's completely ridiculous," Remus said frowning, "For one thing, you need your sleep."
"Trust me, going to bed was like absolute heaven after that torture," Harry said bitterly.
Sirius mentally noted down Lockhart, wondering where he was. If he was the media darling Harry made him out to be, Sirius was surprised he hadn't heard of him. However, there was probably a perfectly normal explanation that didn't include trolls.
"The detention ended really weird, though," Harry said, frowning.
"Lockhart declared that he was the biggest git of all time?" Sirius asked, brightening slightly.
"No, but that was obvious. Seriously, you should have seen our first Defense Lesson," Harry said. "Anyway, no, it wasn't that, I heard a voice. It was saying something about killing."
"What?" Sirius asked sharply, his heart freezing. There was a perfectly normal explanation.
"Are you sure you weren't hearing things from lack of sleep," Remus asked gently, knowing Harry most likely wouldn't want to hear something like that.
"That's what we thought at the time," Harry answered. "But it wasn't too bad, Lockhart finally realized what the time was and let me go."
"Good to hear," said Sirius, "Although, Harry, you know you're not meant to enjoy detention…"
"I know, but come on Sirius, answering his fan mail?? That's just torture, plain and simple. I mean, Snape gives out better detentions then he does!" Harry exclaimed.
"And I can't believe you just said that," Sirius answered, blinking in surprise.
"Neither can I, but it's the truth," Harry said.
"Anyway, what next?" Harry mused. Despite the fact that his second year was one of his most dangerous, there weren't really many events.
"I believe you mentioned something about Lockhart's first Defense Lesson," Sirius prompted, hoping that Lockhart was not another insane Defense teacher with Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head. But no, there was a perfectly normal explanation for why he hadn't heard about Lockhart that didn't include trolls or murderers.
"Let's just say that he gave us a test that consisted of what all his favorite things were and then concluded by letting loose a cage full of freshly caught Cornish Pixies," Harry said, wincing at the memory.
"Sorry," Sirius said, coughing slightly, not quite believing his ears.
"I'm not kidding," Harry answered.
"Has Dumbledore ever heard of the word 'competency'," Remus mused out loud, surprising Sirius and Harry, who had never heard Remus speak against the Headmaster, exempting when Harry had told him about his living conditions with the Dursleys.
"He has. He hired you, didn't he?" Harry said simply, and honestly.
Remus smiled warmly at Harry, forgetting about the tale he had heard so far for a moment. "Thank you, Harry."
Sirius smiled fondly and asked, "So, anything else interesting happen?"
"Well, for a while, it was only stupid Lockhart and his stupid classes, but then things picked up… around Halloween, I'd say it was," Harry said.
"I always said that stupid holiday was cursed," Sirius said.
"Well, to make a long story short, Nick helped me out when I was in jam with Filch," Harry explained, deciding not to go into detail about his snooping. "In return, I promised to go to his Death Day party."
"Why would anybody want to celebrate the day they died?" Sirius said. "Although, truth be told, I don't understand why people become ghosts in the first place."
"I don't know why they want to celebrate it, but I promised so we went, and you're right, it was dead depressing. We met Moaning Myrtle, as well," Harry said, shuddering slightly at the thought of the ghost that haunted the girls toilets.
"Moaning Myrtle," Remus repeated, frowning slightly as he tried to remember. "I don't know if I remember her…"
"You probably wouldn't, she haunts the girls bathrooms," Harry explained, "She only leaves… sometimes…" Harry said, shuddering once more when he remembered the last time she had left.
"Alright, kiddo, what happened with her?" Sirius asked, squeezing Harry tighter to him when he felt the shudders.
"Let's just say she had a crush on me and leave it at that, alright?" Harry said shortly, scowling when his two guardians failed to suppress their laughter.
"Aw, my godson's all grown up and being chased by girls," Sirius cooed, ruffling Harry's hair.
"Oh, shut it," Harry grumbled, blushing.
"It wouldn't be that bad, just think, you wouldn't have to keep buying her gifts!" Sirius said teasingly, making Harry blush and scowl.
"Anyway, the Death Day party isn't what's important about that day, it's what happened after it," Harry said loudly, trying to stop his guardians from laughing at his predicament with the ghost.
Sirius filed the information away for future reference and returned his attention to his godson, as did Remus. However, Sirius could not wipe the smirk off his face.
Remus, on the other hand, got the idea that this next bit wouldn't be nearly as amusing. At least the Death Day party had given them the chance to get some blackmail material on Harry.
"Well… Ron, Hermione, and I left the Death Day party and were heading up to the Great Hall when I heard that voice again," Harry said hesitantly, wondering what his guardians would say when they heard about just what had been causing that voice.
Sirius closed his eyes and sighed. He then said in a stiff voice, "Harry James, please tell me you went down to get a teacher and did not follow that voice."
"Well, see…" Harry said, trailing off. "How do I put this?"
"How about, 'I put myself in danger and am going to get in trouble for it'," Remus suggested dryly.
"It was going to kill someone, what was I meant to do," Harry pointed out, slightly angrily.
"And that was all the more reason to get a teacher," Sirius countered. "Please tell you didn't get hurt."
"I didn't," Harry said readily. "I seriously didn't," he added, at Sirius' disbelieving glance.
"Well then, what happened?" Remus asked, thanking everyone he could think of that his cub had stayed safe. However, he had the niggling feeling that this wasn't over yet.
"We got up to the corridor, and Mrs. Norris had been petrified," Harry explained quietly. "Of course, we didn't know that… we thought she was dead… There was a message on the wall – 'The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Enemies of the Heir beware'."
Stupid, bloody, incompetent Headmaster. How I would love to give him a piece of mind. And preferably something that will turn him into a goat, Sirius found himself thinking, fantasizing ways to hex that moron that called himself a Headmaster.
"And this is when you went to get the teacher, yes?" Remus asked, closing his eyes again. He, James, and Sirius had always joked that Harry would become the death of them, but this was just plain ridiculous.
"Actually, the teachers came to us. Along with every single other person in the school," Harry said slightly bitterly.
"That's annoying, but at least it means that you weren't in danger. I doubt that anyone would try to attack an entire school on their own," Sirius said, sounding relieved.
"No – but the whole school suspected us," Harry said, frowning.
"What?!" Sirius exclaimed. "How on earth could they suspect my innocent little Pronglet?"
"Easily enough, apparently," Harry mumbled.
"What happened next?" Remus cut in, wanting this to be over with so he could go curl up in his bed with a book, a hot water bottle and a five kilogram block of chocolate to calm down.
"We went up to Lockhart's office and Dumbledore discovered that Mrs. Norris had been petrified," Harry answered. "We had to answer loads of questions about where we'd been and all that stuff and, after Snape trying to get me kicked off the Quidditch Team, they let us go."
"Why on earth would Snape try to get you kicked off the Quidditch Team?" Sirius exclaimed, temper flaring.
"So that I wouldn't beat Malfoy," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "Thankfully Professor McGonagall showed more sense."
"Did he make the Quidditch Team that year?" Sirius asked, wracking his brain for anything Harry might have said about the topic.
"Oh, didn't I mention that?" Harry said, blinking in surprise. "Yeah, he made the team because his father 'donated' brand new brooms to the 'school'," Harry added, sarcasm weighing his voice as he said 'donated' and 'school'.
"A typical Malfoy," Sirius scoffed. "Lucius did the same thing when we were at school, remember, Remus?"
"Quite, after all, you and James constantly talked about it," Remus answered him dryly.
"Anyway, so what did Dumbledore say when you told him about the voice?" Sirius asked, returning his attention to his godson.
"Um, well," Harry said, looking down and fidgeting slightly.
"Harry…" Sirius said in a warning tone.
"Well… um… I kinda, maybe forgot to tell him," Harry said in a rush.
"Harry," Sirius half-groaned, holding a hand to his head. "Why on earth wouldn't you tell Dumbledore something as important as that?"
Harry shrugged. He didn't even know why, if he told the truth. He was just used to never asking for help from adults. Even with Sirius and Remus he was yet to get used to it, though he was slightly better after the previous year. Having a devoted godfather and guardian at his beck and call was something he wasn't used to.
"Ron and Hermione told me that hearing voices that no-one else could hear is not a good thing – in either the Muggle or Wizarding worlds."
"Kiddo, we are definitely going to talk about this," Sirius vowed, shaking his head vigorously. He mentally started another list, this one of things he need to talk to Harry about. He would take care of that after he got his revenge on everyone who made his cute little Pronglet upset.
"Is the next thing that happened better?" Remus asked desperately. He seriously need a reprieve.
"The next thing," Harry mused, searching his mind for just what was next. He brightened for a moment, remembering what it was, but then sagged when he remembered what had happened afterwards. He closed his eyes briefly and thought with an inward sigh, oh well. At least I won't get grounded since it wasn't my fault.
"Harry," Sirius prodded cautiously. It couldn't be that bad. After all, what could be worse then trolls and voices petrifying cats?
"The next big things that happened was probably… the Quidditch Game," Harry said, stalling for as long as he could.
"And what's so bad about a Quidditch Game?" Sirius asked slowly, refusing to acknowledge the dread building in his heart.
Remus, on the other hand, was by now resigned that his precious cub hadn't had a very good Hogwarts education. Well, if Dumbledore even thought that he would be able to let his cub put himself in danger again, he certainly had another think coming!
"Well, it started out great, the team was doing well – I mean, we had to be, after all those five am practices-" Here, Harry was interrupted once more by Sirius.
"What do you mean five am practices? You need your sleep!"
Remus added: "I remember having to talk James out of six am practices."
Harry rolled his eyes, "I know, but seriously, don't worry about it, it was just Wood's fanaticism coming through."
"I should have known it would be Oliver," Remus murmured, recalling when said captain had once handed in an essay about Quidditch instead of on the Unforgivables as he was meant to.
"Well, at the beginning it was going well," Harry said, "And then…"
"And then what?" Sirius asked, when it was evident that Harry would not continue without encouragement.
"Well…" Harry hesitated a moment before deciding to get it over and done with, "Abludgesortofstartedattackingme."
"Slow down, Harry," Sirius said, looking surprised, "And say that again." And please don't let it be what I think it is.
"A Bludger sort of started attacking me," Harry said clearly, hoping that this wouldn't provoke too much of a reaction from his guardians.
"Bludgers are meant to attack you, though," Remus said, trying to comprehend what his honorary nephew was trying to say.
"Well, this one sort of kept targeting me," Harry explained, "as in, it didn't stop no matter how many times Fred and George hit it."
"I see," Remus said with forced calm, mentally cataloging where every bit of chocolate was in the house. Hopefully Sirius hadn't found his hidden stash in his closet, or that one hidden in one of his pillow cases.
"And Dumbledore didn't stop this why?" Sirius asked furiously, jumping up to pace around the room. "Who was it this time? That moron Snape? Lockhart? Another insane teacher that the stupid old man let into his school?"
"Actually, it was Dobby, that house-elf," Harry said.
Sirius stopped and stared at him in shock. "A house-elf? Why on earth would a house-elf want to kill my godson?! My poor little baby!"
Harry blushed at Sirius' words. He didn't think he'd ever get used to Sirius' overprotective streak.
"How badly were you hurt," Remus asked Harry softly, making Sirius stop mid-rant.
"Broken arm," Harry answered nonchalantly. Although the potion was absolutely disgusting, that really hadn't been his worst injury.
"That's all," Sirius asked. "Are you sure? And did you go straight to Madam Pomfrey?"
"Lockhart," was all Harry said with a scowl.
"What about him?" Sirius demanded. "What is he doing when you should be heading up to the hospital wing?"
"We tried to stop him, I wanted to go to the hospital wing but he wouldn't let me. He assumed that he could heal it better then Madam Pomfrey could," Harry explained, rolling his eyes. To this day, he didn't know what Hermione had seen in Lockhart.
"And what did he do?" Remus asked, eyes flashing gold, wondering where Lockhart was now. If he had hurt his cub, he didn't know what he'd do.
"He removed all the bones in my arm," Harry explained, "Madam Pomfrey was furious."
Sirius looked ready to explode again, but before he could, his rant was stopped for a second time, this time by the fireplace flaring green once more. Harry found himself hoping it wasn't Ron so his best friend wouldn't get him in trouble again.
It wasn't Ron. Instead out stepped the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry elegantly, completely unaware that he had just walked into a room where there were two people who were hardly happy with him.
"How are we all," Dumbledore asked pleasantly, "I've come to discuss Harry's arrangements to stay with the Dursleys."
Sirius narrowed his eyes and Remus growled in response. Harry groaned. Sometimes, Dumbledore truly had the worst timing.
Dumbledore finally noticed the two death glares being sent his way, but merely rose an eyebrow in surprise. "Is something the matter, gentlemen?"
"You mean other then the fact that you let my godson – my little, eleven year old godson, face a FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN TROLL AND A VOLDEMORT POSESSED DEFENCE TEACHER!" Sirius exploded, intensifying his glare.
"Not to mention leaving my cub at the Dursleys," Remus said, not yelling but still managing to sound intimidating as he glared at his old Headmaster. "You promised me he would be safe!"
"I assure you, he was safe," Dumbledore interjected calmly, then turned to Sirius, slightly dreading what was to come. All three marauders had been notoriously overprotective of their little heir, and that had only intensified over the years, especially with Sirius and Remus' determination to make sure that Lily and James had not died in vain.
"Safe?" Sirius laughed bitterly. "You called getting locked up without food for days on end, being safe? And what on earth were you thinking, letting a bloody mountain troll in where it could attack anybody! Where it did attack my little Pronglet!"
"I assume Harry has been telling you about his school years," Dumbledore interjected, speaking calmly but certainly not feeling as such. Although he knew he would certainly not be able to avoid this, a part of him had hoped that Sirius and Remus would never find out the full extent of Harry's adventures.
"Unfortunately," Harry said under his breath, almost feeling sorry for the Headmaster. But, if Sirius and Remus blew off their steam on him, maybe they wouldn't be so mad when they found out about the Chamber of Secrets. Yeah, right, a cynical voice inside him said, and maybe Snape will start giving out cookies in class.
"I assure you, Sirius, I had no control over this," Dumbledore said, backing up a little bit. It was times like these that made it quite clear just why people could believe that Sirius had killed twelve men.
"That's completely ridiculous!" Sirius countered scornfully. "You can't tell me that you didn't notice that one of your staff members was being controlled by Voldemort! And that bloody car! Why on earth couldn't you stop them from doing such foolish and idiotic things!"
"Well, how was I to know that three of my students were brewing Polyjuice Potion?" Dumbledore countered, "I assure you, I did my best." The old Headmaster was gradually edging towards the fireplace, wanting to get away. He sincerely doubted his argument would continue to work when Sirius found out about the Basilisk.
Sirius snorted and said scathingly, "Your best, right."
"Since you are in the middle of something, I will leave you alone," Dumbledore said, trying to find some Floo Powder quickly. The conversation he had been planning to have could wait for a time when the two marauders weren't so inclined to hex him.
Harry sighed in relief, after all, he had just gotten his godfather back, he didn't want him to return to Azkaban for murdering the Headmaster.
Sirius leaned forward and said in a vicious whisper, so his innocent little godson wouldn't be able to hear, "Don't think this is over, old man. If something like this happens to Harry on your watch again, then…" Sirius leaned back, letting his sentence trail off ominously. Twelve years in Azkaban had certainly made him a formidable character.
Dumbledore threw the Floo Powder into the fireplace not noticing that, with a discreet flick of Remus' wand, his hair had turned a vibrant orange with hot pink streaks. Instead, his mind was preoccupied with what Sirius had in plan for him. Perhaps he should consider making an epitaph…
Sirius took a deep breath to calm himself after Dumbledore left. It had felt good to storm at the Headmaster a bit, but he was still furious at the older man. There was no way he was going to get away with not acting when his godson was in danger.
He was about to take another deep breath when he registered just what Dumbledore had said. His eyes snapped open.
"Harry James Potter, just what did Dumbledore mean when he said that three of his students were brewing Polyjuice Potion?!"
Harry looked to the ground – how was he going to explain this to them without getting grounded for the next twenty years?
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Once again, sorry about the stupidly long update time. Especially for such a bad chapter (hopefully my beta will have improved things a little). Hope that you guys will still review! And I promise to be faster!