Surrender thy lips

Your girl is a bitch

The first thing about why girls are bitches is because they think we are asses. This is how a girl sees something.

Girl: He captured my lips in a world shattering kiss.

Reality: Bitch, I didn't capture your lips. I'm not a rich Spaniard and your lips aren't a poor deserted island. "ha! Surrender thy lips or face the consequences!"

Girls can be really weird and dumb some times. How could they not be? I mean being born only to have something going in and out of your vagina? Whether it's penises or babies and who knows even the pleasure-nator 3000, a girl can feel like she owns her own little hotel. Therefore the mean (smart) girl will be picky about her guests.

Another reason why girls can be real confusing; Kourtney and Khloe take Miami. What in the fritanga world is wrong with Khloe? I mean dump Scott already! Khloe you are the reason girls can be so freakin' picky. Shit. every girl is scared to death we might be a bastard like Scott. I swear if you don't dump him by the end of the season, I'll kill myself.

"Does that work for lesbian though? I mean you- ow!" Oh come on, it's not like an icepack could do any more damage to his brain.

"Shut up! You're making my migraine worse." Nate stares intently at me. Or so I think. It's not like I can see that much from my left eye on a normal basis, much less with a purple eye.

"I'm glad Miley punched the crap out of you yesterday, bitch."

"Shut up, I can't read with your annoying voice."

"Does this book just have a list of what to do in the back?" I can barely see anything so why not wear shades to school anyways?

"Are you done with my clothes? We have ten minutes left, damn it!"

"More like twenty minutes, Ms. 20/20." He throws the clothes at me, a sneaker hitting my kneecap."

"I'm disabled already." I don't even care to look at the outfit but Nate has a better taste that I do. It'll do. "Can you help me with my bra?"

"Depends…can I cope a feel?"

"I'll owe you one later, Miley's picking us up, 'member?" The boy groans.

"She better get me some kick-ass shit for breaking my nose." He finally snaps my bra together and starts to slide the opening of the polo through my head.

"Ow! Stop talking about friggin' shoes"

"Blame your bed-head.. And it's not my fault your ex has really bad aim. She owes me. "

"Why are we matching? I mean we look hot, but why are we matching?"

"I love you in that skirt, lately you wear nothing but skinnies." Pervert.

"True."

"Turn around…." I do so and get a sexual glance from Nate that by now means nothing. I mean the guy has seen me naked too many times. "K, so are we getting revenge on Miley, Acting like friends, getting her back and doing a quick little threeso-"

"No."

"I'm just throwing options, wait. No to what? Acting like friends, I knew it. Who has friends these days? I'll need to borrow some condoms though." Could the kid be less of a pervert?

"Ugh, screw you. There's no form of entertainment here."

"Well, if stuffing a big fat dick in your mouth is entertainment, then entertain me." I bet he thinks that was so clever.

"So you want me to stuff a big, fat dick down your mouth?"

"What?"

"Well is stuffing a dick down someone's throat is entertainment and you want to be entertain my conclusion is that you must want someone to stuff their big, fat dick down your throat." Step away from the pot because you're getting burned, Nate.

"Bitch." Nate leaps over my bed on top of my torso. "I see you like to talk crap, Alex." All I need to see is him crossing his arms as his legs still hold me captive to know where this is going. See, normal friends just get angry but not Nate and I. We're anything but ordinary.

"I don't talk crap. I step on it." Chuckling to himself Nate springs off my body and onto the hallway. It's a little obvious to know where he's going.

I would make an effort to run away if it weren't from my bruises. I really don't feel like moving an inch from this bed. Next time I get a girlfriend I'll make sure she has a bit of precision. In little words, Mitchie better know where to punch.

I understand that Miley would miss Mitchie one time, two even. I don't understand how I get a black eye, tons of bruises and a permanent hole in the box that contains my self-esteem while Mitchie only got a little spook. I will never drink again.

Nate finally comes back with a tantalizing grin. And I say tantalizing because it's tantalizing not to smack him right across his face. He knows I owe him and I of course can't say no to his request.

"Let's see what else that mouth is good for." Nate hands me a bottle of Mouthwash and sit up in my bed.

We both know I'm a little hesitant to do this due to my last defeat. I lost a hundred dollars, man. Let me not think about that, I don't want to cry again.

"How much are we betting?" Please don't be money, I do have a girl to fucking woo.

"Just want to remind you who's the king." But what if I loose again. I barely win, anyway.

"You mean Alex Russo? There's nothing to recall. I know so." I'm so going to loose.

He hands my mouthwash after taking a gulp and testing the waters I dip my tongue. Piqued at my slowness Nate points at my mouth. I get it! I take a gulp and of course the culmination is completely different than from the beginning. At first you barely feel anything but a pleasant minty flavor.

What to do? What to do when you can't talk? I lay on my bed and look up at the popcorn ceiling. Who came up with that term? Did someone actually glue popcorn to the ceiling and paint over it? Oh gosh I have nothing to do. Where's that damn book?

Starting a conversation with a bitchy girl:

When trying to settle down for a while, which is what I assume you're doing, (when you're trying to get laid you do have to buckle down for at least a day,) some men assume that all women want to talk. Although it might be mostly true remember you don't want a normal girl you're heading for the bitchy one. The one whose legs you would love to have wrapped around you at midnight.

You have to be the first to initiate a conversation, that's a given, even if she has nothing to say. She may be wanting to talk to you and just have nothing to say. Why should she talk to you when she doesn't have a reason to do so? Don't just randomly sit next to her and so something stupid like:

You: Hey Susan!

Susan: Oh hi B-"

You: Oh wait a moment I have something to tell you.

Susan: Oh…

You: I found you on FaceBook last night, my tongue is asking you for a friend request.

This doesn't work in real life, guys. Her hand will become a fan of your face. You have to work on not making it obvious that you haven't gotten some in a while. Play it cool. You got this. If not please check out my new book coming in December…"How to Deal with Being Single for the Rest of Your 'Life.'"

Just kidding. Don't close the book! Let's continue. If you feel that talking to a girl is the only way to get her interested in you the you must accept that sometimes she will try to bite your head off. Don't freak out. A male mantis gets laid and then gets his head cut off. See? That's so much worse, unless you're dating a cannibal.

When your pretty girl is available do most of the talking. In fact pry her from most of the talking. Appreciation and consideration will make her listen more. Keep her close by telling her how much you like her being with you but do not make yourself look like a creep. Remember, TEAM JACOB! No one wants the creepy pale vampire when you can have an eight-pack at your disposal. Although Jacob was kind of a creep too; however, nothing beats Edward watching you sleep. I've had nightmares.

Crap, that's Miley horn. Nate lifts off the bed and rushes towards the front door. Normally I would rush with him because I have to be in the car seat but after getting beat the fuck up I think I'll sit in the back.

Besides I got to think what I'm going to talk to Mitchie about. Hold on tight baby, your Jacob is on her way.

Hey guys hope you're having a wonderful day. I've been very positive. This was going to be longer but who really wants to wait? Hope you enjoyed! I know you guys will leave me a lot of nice reviews.