Part Two
Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's gettin' heavier
I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide
He was pretty sure that being with someone for the first time was supposed to make you feel different, but Kurt was feeling exactly the same. The emptiness that he'd felt inside when he'd seen Finn and Burt bonding over dinner or in the Hudson's living room was still firmly entrenched inside him. For one brief moment, he had actually believed that being with Puckerman was going to make him feel somehow like he mattered. It didn't really work out in the end.
While Puck was buried deep inside him, his mind had been blank and he was sort of grateful for that. Despite what people always said about him, Puck had actually been nice with him and that had surprised him and kind of freaked him out too. As soon as the sex was over and Kurt had turned on his side, he'd squeezed his eyes shut and tried to stop the tears from falling. He had felt cheap.
With a slam, Kurt closed his locker and turned around to walk to his first period, but standing right behind him was Puck. He sighed heavily, thinking that he wasn't really ready to face the boy. He made Kurt think about paying for giving up his virginity, about feeling so empty and alone that he had actually paid for someone's company.
"Kurt?"
Puck's voice pulled him out of his thoughts and Kurt finally looked up into his hazel eyes, waiting for the boy to speak.
Sighing heavily, Puck said, "Look, are you ok?"
"Why do you keep asking me that?" He tightened his hold around the strap of his shoulder bag and started walking down the hall. If Puck wanted to talk to him so badly, then he could very well follow him.
"Could you stop for a moment?" Puck reached out and grabbed his forearm to stop him. Kurt turned around and glared up at him before yanking his arm free. "Look, I just asked because you look even more depressed than you did yesterday."
"Yeah, well, it's none of your business."
"How can you be like this?" He grabbed Kurt again and dragged him into an empty classroom. He locked the door and turned around finding Kurt clenching his bag like his life depended on it. "I can't believe I'm saying this but you're kind of freaking me out."
Kurt frowned. "What?"
"We had sex, it was your first time, and you acted like a goddamn robot. What the hell is wrong with you?" Puck shoved a hand through his mohawk. He was feeling so damn frustrated and he didn't even know why.
"Nothing's wrong, Puckerman." He took a step forward. "Now, if you don't mind, I have to go to class."
"All this act of being a bitch, it's really annoying, you know?"
"Whatever." Kurt took another step forward but Puck blocked his away. "I paid you to have sex with me, we're not friends and we never will be. You don't have to care and I don't want you to care."
Puck looked straight into Kurt's eyes, he could see all the hurt in them and was feeling more and more guilty. He found himself caring about the boy just because it looked like no one else was going to. 'Well,' he said to himself. 'For that and because I feel guilty.' He took a deep breath. "I want to help you."
Kurt's lips curved into a cold sneer. "You mean, you want me to pay you for helping me."
"Kurt, look, it's not about that, ok?" Puck was struggling to find the right words. He had never cared about anyone, never wanted to protect someone that wasn't his sister, but now he was feeling like it was his duty to make Kurt feel like he mattered. He told himself it was just because he'd been the only one to notice and now he had to do something about it.
Kurt looked straight into his eyes trying to figure out what the hell had happened last night. Suddenly, Noah Puckerman wanted to care? Why? "I don't get what it is that you want from me."
"You helped me," Puck blurted out. "I want to help you back."
"I don't need help." Kurt lowered his gaze to the floor. "Everything's fine."
"Last night," Puck took a step forward, lessening the space between them. He wasn't going to let it go so easily. "You said that you wanted to feel something but you were afraid of breaking down."
Kurt looked up, his eyes open wide. He didn't know why he'd said that, but he'd hoped that Puck wouldn't care enough to actually listen or remember. But he should have known that the boy would have heard him. He had been too focused on Kurt not to notice.
"I'm not going to have sex with you again," he finally said, trying to change the subject, to devalue the feelings Puck had put into words. He wanted someone to care, of course, but he didn't want Puck to care. They weren't even friends; they barely talked to each other in Glee and, outside of the club, they both pretended that the other didn't even exist.
"That's not why I'm talking with you, ok?" Puck's hands closed into fists. For the first time in his life he actually wanted to care about someone (and who cared if it was for the wrong reasons?), and that someone didn't even want to listen to him. He put his hand in his jeans pocket and fished out a couple of wrinkled bills. "I must be crazy because I started all this mess for money and now I'm giving it back," he said more to himself than to Kurt who was now looking at him shocked.
Puck lowered his gaze and cleared his voice nervously. "Take it back," he thrust the money in Kurt's general direction and then shoved both hands into the back pockets of his jeans once the boy had taken his money back. "It felt kind of..."
"Wrong? Cheap?" Kurt put the money into his coat pocket. It felt like it weighed tons. "Yeah."
"I'm going to be a father, Kurt and..." He looked up and stared into the other boy's clear blue eyes. "And I couldn't sleep last night thinking about what the fuck I did. I mean, I whored myself, again and you were right. What kind of father does that?"
Kurt smiled softly. "The kind of father who is ready to do anything for his kid. Anyway," he took a deep breath, "You don't have to feel guilty about anything. I took you up on your offer and you did it for the right reason. I, on the other hand..." He shook his head and trailed off. "But you don't have to pretend to care to ease your guilt, alright? It's done, we can't really do anything about it except forget."
Puck looked at him like he had gone mad. How was it even possible to talk about something so personal like that? Not even he talked about sex like that. Of course, he had tons of meaningless sex with strangers, but he never tried to pretend that it hadn't happened.
The bell signaling the start of the lessons rang, cutting through the heavy silence. Kurt made a move towards the door, but then stopped and looked back at Puck again. "You were..." He trailed off and blushed. "Thank you for yesterday."
Puck frowned confused. "What for?" He was even started to doubt that Kurt had felt physical pleasure.
"You know," Kurt shrugged. "For... for caring."
"Oh." They looked at each other for a few moments until Kurt shook his head and turned around. He had his hand on the doorknob when he felt a hand sliding up his neck until it was buried in his hair. He felt a shiver running up and down his spine, a sign of an emotion he had no intention of acknowledging. When Puck finally spoke, his warm breath caressed Kurt's neck. He was that close to him. Again. "I just wanted to make you feel something. I chose you because you look depressed and lonely and I thought we could both get something out of this mess."
Kurt wanted to say something incredibly cheesy like, 'I tried to shut down but I wasn't able to,' but it would have been a lie because he had used Puck to distract himself from feeling hurt because of his father and Finn; he didn't even care that it was Puck and once his eyes had been closed, he had stopped himself from thinking that it was someone he knew that was in bed with him, that Puck was inside him. He had forced himself not to feel anything besides pleasure so he couldn't tell Puck that it had been special, that he was glad it had been him... it felt like nothing. All it did was leave a sour taste in the back of his mouth.
So he didn't reply, but simply nodded before walking out of the classroom.
*GLEE*
"So, now you're going out with Mercedes?"
Puck closed his locker after having taken out a clean t-shirt and his jeans. He looked up to find Kurt leaning against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest. He shrugged and started sliding his jersey off.
"Are you here to lecture me? Because then you should know that we're using each other and no one is going to end up hurt." He noticed that when he was standing bare-chested in front of him, Kurt stared at him biting on his lower lip. He had to stop himself from grinning smugly.
After a few moments, Kurt looked back into his eyes. "I just wanted to make sure, you know. She's my best friend."
"Have you talked with her about what's going on with you?" Puck asked casually while sliding his uniform pants off.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Dude, you came to Glee looking like a truck driver and it was totally creepy. If everything's fine, then I'm a girl."
"Look, I just came here to talk about Mercedes." Kurt turned around ready to leave and Puck sighed heavily, wondering why he was still wasting his breath.
"She dumped me this morning, so you don't have to worry about your girl," he said, hooking his thumbs in the waistband of his boxers and starting to slide them down. He didn't know why, but he wanted Kurt to turn around and watch him. It was like, all he wanted these days, was to get a reaction out of Kurt. "I was waiting for you to show up at my place after you made out with Brittany."
He saw Kurt's back stiffen and smirked with satisfaction. "I told you that I wasn't going to have sex with you again."
"Yeah, you did, but I'm pretty sure that next time you feel like breaking down, you're going to come back to me." He walked over to where Kurt was still standing with his back turned to him and stopped next to the countertenor. He could see the boy's eyes darting at him every few seconds. "Just for the record, I'm free whenever you need me to be."
"I..." Kurt forced himself to look up, suddenly hating that he had decided to have this talk with Puck. Mercedes was more than capable of looking after herself, and she had told him that she didn't have any feelings for Puckerman, so why was he there? He cleared his throat and locked his gaze with Puck's. "I sang a song about my inner conflict and now I'm fine."
"You know, despite what Mr. Schue believes, you can't solve everything with a song." He took a step forward and let his fingers brush Kurt's cheek.
"What..."
"How was kissing her, huh?" Puck took hold of Kurt's face with his hands and stepped closer. Kurt was rigid and his eyes were open wide, but Puck saw something in those deep blue-green eyes that told him to keep pushing. "Did you let her touch you?"
"I... don't..." Kurt closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn't supposed to feel like this. It had been weeks since their night together and even though every time he caught Puck with a girl his mind replayed that night over and over again, he was determined to not let Puck get to him. He could not let it happen. But still, there he was, shivering because the boy was barely touching him; and it had nothing to do with Puck being naked in front of him because he had slept with him, for God's sake, so there was nothing new about Puck's body. His nervousness, the knots in his stomach, all came from the hands on his face, the husky voice asking him questions about something he was regretting doing because he had given up his first kiss for something so stupid...
"Kurt?"
Puck's breath caressed his mouth and Kurt found himself wetting his lips before finally opening his eyes again. "What?"
"You could have come to me."
"I wasn't going to pay you."
Puck shook his head chuckling. "God, stop turning things around so they look like you want them to. It's frustrating."
Kurt grabbed Puck's wrists and tugged his hands away. "Why are you being like this? You used to throw me into dumpsters and shove me into lockers and now you're offering me sex and acting like you care."
Puck sighed and took a step back. "You know, sex is sex for me, that's the way it works; but now that I have a baby on the way, I feel like I should try to get in contact with the not-badass part of myself and being nice with you, it's like proof that I can do it."
"So you want to be like... my father?"
"What?" Puck's face twisted into a disgusted grimace. "No, of course not. I'm just saying that if I can be decent with you, care for you when I used to treat you like yesterday's garbage, then being a decent enough father for my kid is going to be easier."
"That's the most twisted thing I've ever heard."
"Whatever." Puck turned around and walked over to the shelves where the towels were kept and picked up a large one. "I may have started it all for money, but it's been weeks, and I gave you the money back. Finn still won't talk to me and you still love him, so while everyone doesn't give a fuck about us, we could try to help each other out."
Kurt frowned and followed Puck while the running back started to head towards the showers. "You mean that you want me to care about you?"
"Don't make it sound like it's such a bad thing."
"Have you hit your head or something? Did you meet a little green friend that took you on his spaceship?"
Puck laughed while turning on the shower. "Look, I'm just saying that perhaps we could actually get something out of this mess. Both of us." He glanced at Kurt from over his shoulder and smirked. "But hey, I can still fuck you if that's all you want, you know?"
Kurt shook his head but wasn't able to stop the small smile that curved his lips. "You're unbelievable. I mean, in case you hadn't noticed it, I'm a guy and you're Puck, and it's one thing, you doing it for money; but it's a completely different thing for you of all people, offering to fuck me again just because it was enjoyable."
Puck took the soap, turned around and started washing his chest while openly leering at Kurt. "Did you just say that it was enjoyable? … Never mind," he shook his head and tried to get his thoughts together. "First of all, I know you're a dude, second, like I said, I'm a sex shark and I'm sure not going to turn away from good sex just because you happen to have a dick."
"I..." Kurt shook his head and closed his eyes tightly knowing that he was starting to blush. "I don't even know why we're talking about this, but Puckerman, let's be clear about something," he opened his eyes and looked straight into Puck's eyes trying not to let his own eyes wander. "I'm not going to have sex with you if I'm not on the verge of breaking down."
"So I can be the man that makes you feel like life is worth living when you're about to give up," Puck said, with a little self-satisfied grin. "I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me."
Kurt held his hands up shaking his head and turned around. "You're unbelievable, Puckerman," he said again. He glanced back at him from over his shoulder. "Just, tell me why you seem to enjoy provoking me so much."
"Because I can get a reaction out of you," Puck simply answered, then he closed his eyes and tilted his head back letting the hot water wash over his face.
Kurt stood there staring at him for a few seconds trying to figure out when had Puck gotten under his skin like that. It was so unbelievable that of all the people he knew, the one he simply couldn't walk away from without feeling like things would be better if he stayed, was Puck.
Once again, he turned around and left Puck behind. He might be able to walk away from the other boy, but just like their night together, it made him feel like he was emotionally spent.
*GLEE*
After their chat in the locker room, Kurt started ignoring Puck once again while Puck always tried to get him to react. He would flick his earlobe, ruffle his hair while Kurt was standing at his locker and Puck was walking by, throw paper balls at him during their classes, or call him until Kurt would turn around and then Puck would wink at him with a sexy grin on his face.
Mercedes kept asking him what was going on but Kurt had no intentions of explaining to his best friend about him and Puck. So, Kurt threw himself into redecorating his bedroom because of Finn. He wasn't ok with Carole moving in, he was feeling guilty because he had set his father up with another woman for selfish reasons and now he was feeling like he had betrayed the memory of his mother for a guy.
He was hoping that things would work out for Burt and Carole, he really was, but at the same time, the thought of coming home every day and seeing Finn watching TV with his father, or sitting down at the table for dinner and Burt asking Finn about his day was killing him inside.
So he moved through his day doing what he had to, but he was feeling helpless once again. Even Burt's speech about loving his son no matter what still made him feel like he was disposable. He hated himself for thinking so little of Burt's love, but he couldn't help himself.
"What's up, Kurt?"
Kurt rolled his eyes and closed the locker finding Puck grinning at him. "What do you want?"
Puck shrugged. "Just wanted to talk."
"Why? I thought I made it pretty clear that unless my world is crumbling down, I won't get back into bed with you."
"Is that all you ever think about?" Puck asked. He slid his arm around Kurt's shoulders and started to lead them towards Glee's choir room.
"Get your hands off me."
Puck made a show of looking Kurt up and down and then smirked lazily. "You look hot in silver plastic and impossible high heels and you swing your hips when you walk on those things, did you know that? It's getting distracting."
"Yeah well, Karofsky and Azimio think that I'm a freak." He rolled his eyes. "Of course we're freaks but there's nothing great about being normal."
Puck chuckled. "This week, we all look like freaks. At least we guys are doing it with style."
"Kiss aren't better than Gaga, you know? It all depends on personal taste."
"Whatever floats your boat." He looked at Kurt and thought about how to approach what he had meant to ask all day long. "Are things any better with Finn?"
Kurt frowned. "Why do you ask?"
"I heard him saying that you're sharing a room and he's... he's kind of freaked out about it." Puck glance at him and the teen lowered his gaze. "You're not still trying to get it on with him, are you?"
"I'm just trying to make the mess I created work and he... I tried helping him out with his Kiss outfit but he flipped out." He didn't know why he was talking with Puck about all this when he had no intentions of even telling Mercedes about it. Finn had made him feel dirty and he hated it.
"Then you should really back off and stop pushing. He's a bit edgy now and whether you do something just to be nice or not, he will think that you're trying something."
Kurt pulled away from Puck and glared at him. "Well, when it happens, you'll be able to say, 'I told you so'." Then he left the other teen in the middle of the hall and headed towards the choir room.
Puck watched him go and sighed. "That's not why I'm trying to help you." Shaking his head, he made his way to the Glee Club.
Later that day, when Kurt was trying really, really hard to pretend that nothing had changed, that things could still be the same, he could still be the same, he pushed too hard and Finn finally blew up.
*GLEE*
"Kurt?" Puck opened the door shirtless and confused. He had just fallen asleep when someone started knocking furiously on the door. His sister could sleep through a tornado and his mother was taking the night shift at the diner, so he had to get up and go see who'd had the brilliant idea of coming over at midnight.
But when he opened the door and saw Kurt standing on the front porch hugging himself with a devastated expression in his eyes, all he could do was reach out, grab the front of Kurt's shirt and pull him inside closing the door with his foot.
He wanted Kurt to show emotions besides depression and sadness and now he was hugging a sobbing teen. Puck practically dragged him to his room and locked them inside. He pushed Kurt in the direction of the bed and made him sit down.
"What the hell happened?"
Kurt looked at him with tear filled eyes. "It was... it was horrible..."
"What was?"
Kurt wiped angrily at his eyes. "I tried to do something nice and decorated our bedroom with something I thought he'd like but he..." He looked away and hugged himself. To Puck, he looked like a scared little kid. "You were right," he finally said, his voice broken and defeated.
Puck sat down on the edge of the bed next to him. "What did he do?"
"Called the blanket and the room faggy but..."
"He was calling you that."
Kurt nodded. "Dad heard him and he tossed Finn out and then Carole had to leave too and dad was so sad and Carole was crying and Finn was looking at me like he hated me, like I was ruining everything and... and I did. I ruined everything. I pushed and pushed... pushed myself on Finn, pushed dad on Carole and..." A sob broke his rant and he was startled when he felt arms circling him. He didn't want to start sobbing into Puck's chest, he had already broken down but he couldn't let himself go completely. Except that when Puck tightened his arms around him and drew him closer, he couldn't help himself.
*GLEE*
Watching someone sleep had to be the corniest thing ever but there he was, lying on his side, unable to look away from the boy asleep next to him. The traces of tears were still on his cheeks and his lips were slightly open while he breathed slowly. A trickle of drool was coming out of his mouth and Puck tried to remind himself that he was supposed to find it disgusting, not adorable.
Adorable... since when did he use words like adorable? He sighed and tried to will himself to turn around, to finally fall asleep. He wondered if Burt was worrying about where his son was or if Kurt had told him that he wasn't coming back to sleep. Then again, Puck was pretty sure that Kurt hadn't consciously intended to come over.
He reached out, tentatively, his hand shaking a little. It stopped a couple of inches away from touching the soft, pale skin and stayed suspended in mid-air for a few moments before he finally closed the distance and rested it on a soft cheek.
It had taken him a while to get Kurt to finally calm down. The teen had been bottling up his emotions for months and now that he had let himself go, he had found stopping impossible. By the time he had stopped crying, he had fallen asleep.
Gently, Puck had lowered him onto the bed and then covered him with the blankets. He had wondered if maybe he should have slept on the floor but then he thought 'What the hell! This is my room!' and had settled for sleeping over the covers.
He was feeling angry with Finn but, at the same time, he knew that his best friend had tried not to snap as long as he could, he knew that this was going to happen, it was why he had tried to warn Kurt. Of course, he hadn't thought that Finn would go and call Kurt a fag, but maybe he should have.
Kurt sighed and his hand clenched the sheets. Puck still found turning away impossible. His thumb was still stroking the soft skin of the other boy's cheek and he wondered what was going on with him.
"Sorry..." Kurt mumbled and Puck frowned. "So sorry..." he said again before shifting closer to Puck until he was practically snuggled up against his chest.
"Kurt?" he asked softly, not knowing what he was supposed to do. Kurt mumbled something unintelligible and Puck finally got that he was talking in his sleep. He wondered if he was saying sorry to Burt or Finn or Carole.
He closed his arms around the slight boy resting against his chest despite it feeling a little awkward with one lying under the covers and one lying over them.
He turned and dragged Kurt along until he was lying on his back and Kurt on his chest. He started to slide his hand up and down the boy's back remembering the feeling of soft, warm skin under his palm, soft hair brushing against his thigh. He could still hear Kurt's breathy moans, the few he had let go, and could still feel the boy contracting around his dick when he'd come. He shifted a little when he felt his dick starting to stir and shook his head. "This isn't exactly the moment, buddy," he whispered, glancing in the general direction of his crotch area.
Even being under the covers, when Kurt shifted, moving a leg, his knee came to rest against Puck's groin and he gulped loudly. "This is so unfair," he mumbled in the quiet room. Kurt sighed deeply and his hot breath caressed Pucks bare chest and Puck tightened his hold around the small frame of the boy. "It feels nice," he mumbled before finally closing his eyes. When Kurt snuggled closer to him, Puck finally fell asleep.
*GLEE*
The first thing that Kurt noticed was the splitting headache that made him squeeze his eyes shut as soon as he had opened them and light had hit them. Then came the sensation of something warm and solid under his cheek. It was comfortable and he nuzzled his face into it, sighing dreamily. Of course the next thing he felt was a hand squeezing his ass.
He yelped and pulled up so fast that he fell from the bed, hitting the floor loudly. He banged his head against the nightstand before landing on his ass.
"Shit, dude, are you ok?"
Puck's frantic voice made him wake up completely. He looked up and found Puck's face peering at him from over the edge of the bed.
"What..." Kurt tried to shake his head but that only served to amplify his headache. "Did you just grab my ass?"
Puck grinned even though Kurt couldn't see him since he had his head between his knees. "Sorry. You were just lying on top of me and you looked so cute. I couldn't help myself."
"I..." Kurt looked up and squeezed his eyes shut against the light coming from the open curtains. "Could you shut the curtains, please? I need darkness." His voice was barely over a whisper. He was feeling like that time April Rhodes had given him alcohol.
Puck quickly got up from his bed and shut the curtains, then he walked over to Kurt and helped him back onto the bed. "You sure you're ok?" he asked worriedly.
"Yeah, it's just a migraine."
"Lucky for you, it's Saturday, so at least you don't have to worry about school."
"Yeah." He snuggled back under the covers, burying his face under the pillow and taking a deep breath. "You changed the sheets from last time, I'm surprised."
"You noticed what sheets I have, I'm surprised," Puck said back, grinning. Then he walked to the other side of the bed and slid under the covers.
Kurt got his head out from under the pillow. "What are you doing?"
"Relax, I just want to sleep. You kept me up half the night and I slept over the covers so now I'm freezing my balls off." He covered himself up to his chin and turned on his side. He could have chosen to lie facing the window, but instead, he found himself face to face with Kurt. Kurt, who was currently looking at him like he was trying to figure something out. "What?"
"Just thinking," Kurt replied quietly, his eyes never leaving Puck's.
"About what?" he asked in the same soft tone because it felt like a moment that required whispering. He mentally called himself a sissy.
"That Finn turned out to be kind of an asshole and you turned out to be not such a Neanderthal."
"Hate to break it to you, babe, but you're ideas are kind of limited."
Kurt frowned. "I..."
"I'm not insulting you, I'm just stating a fact. You thought Finn was so different why? Because I shoved you into lockers the first time I saw you and he told me to chill out?" Puck asked rhetorically. "Well, he stood aside and watched us throw you into a dumpster every day for a year and a half."
"I..."
"I'm just saying that perhaps, you should expand your vision." He turned on his back and closed his eyes but he could still feel Kurt's gaze on him. "I mean, look at us. Did you honestly ever think that I was going to take your v-card and then spend a night letting you sob on my six pack?"
"Guess not," Kurt replied quietly, closing his eyes and scooting closer to Puck. "Can I stay for a little longer?"
"Yeah, I locked the door, so don't worry." Puck carefully pretended not to notice that Kurt had gotten closer. "Does your dad know where you are?"
Kurt shook his head. "I only told him that I was staying over at a friend's."
Puck smirked. "So now we're friends, are we?"
"Shut up and sleep, Puckerman."
They laid in silence for a while before finally getting back to sleep. When Puck woke up a few hours later, the sheets were still warm but there was a note on the pillow Kurt had used.
'Thanks for letting me crash on your guns and six pack'
He was still smirking at school on Monday.
A/N: Thanks to David for beta-ing this for me. Thanks for all the review, I would never have thought to get such a response on this story! I'm going to start writing the 3rd and last part as soon as I can!