Guidance

Bonus Filler

I wrote this listening to "Mad World" by Gary Jules. It's a song that I imagine a melancholy funhouse would use.

It was like I was fading away—I forgot everything that had transpired, if anything had occurred at all. I was spiraling into darkness. Who was I? Where was I? Why was I alone?

Alone.

That word scared me. It seemed to echo in the empty space—in the nothingness that surrounded me. I couldn't feel, couldn't smell, couldn't see, couldn't taste, couldn't hear. There was nothing to hear, or see, or taste, or smell, or touch. So where was I? Suspended in nothingness? For all I knew, I could have been anywhere—anyone—at any time—and not know it. For all I knew, I was dead. Alive? In between. I didn't know. I didn't care.

I felt a sort of vacuum pulling at me, making my chest tight and making my breathing labored—or, it would have, were I breathing. But I couldn't even tell. Like I said, there was nothing. So what was happening? Was my subconscious, my psyche, floating around somewhere? Obviously not—at least, not by itself. I don't think my chest would be hurting so badly if it were just my psyche on its own.

But why was it hurting? Why was I hurting? At the back of my mind, I felt an odd tingling, as if I was trying so hard to remember something and it was on the tip of my tongue...but I just couldn't recall whatever it was, no matter what it was, no matter how important. I needed to start at the basics.

What was my name? Name? Did I even have one? Yes, yes—I think I did have one—I must have had one sometime. So what was it? It had to start with a letter... If I was thinking in...a language...English...and I had to think of the alphabet...which would be the Latin alphabet, if I wasn't mistaken...

A...B...C...D...E...F...

...so on...

J! My name had to start with a J! But, for some reason, my subconscious lingered at E. Even so, I knew that my name didn't start with that... No, it was more of that something important started with that letter... I'd remember it some other time—I needed to, first, know who I was before I could even begin to work out what had been important to me. I searched my mind for answers, finding only brick walls. It felt like I was locked out of my own head. Why?

I thought about the five different vowels, occasionally six, and tried to see which one paired best with my first initial. Perhaps I'd have to keep finding this, letter by letter, until I remembered my full name. The A stood out, but so did the E, again. Still, I doubted my name had an E in it. But why was that stubborn E popping up so much?

E... J...

E...and J...

E...plus J...

E and J...

Abruptly, I felt like a jolt had been sent to my brain. Embry. Where did that name come from? If it was a name at all, that is. No, my psyche reassured me, it was a name. A name I should have known, should have...loved? I was so confused. What was going on? Panic entered me.

Only then, when the panic and fear set in, did I feel some sort of sense come back to me. In fact, it all came back to me at once, and rather shockingly. I felt like an immense gravity pulled at my bones, at my body, and was tearing me apart. I registered the feeling of my limbs, my body —I wasn't just a floating mind somewhere in the dark, I was myself.

Janiya.

I opened my eyes, seeing nothing but a faded white. Where was I? I remember—my name is Janiya... I'm fifteen, a half-Navajo, half-Quileute older sister of a seven-year-old Calindra. The name...Embry...still called to me. Hmm. Embry Call. It sounded...pleasant. I blushed, or it felt like I did. Feelings of giddiness spread through me. Embry. I sighed. Even in a white nothingness, I could remain content. That name...just so lovely. I didn't remember why I felt the way I did about that name... Maybe, maybe, it meant something to me—maybe that was the name of my...lover? No... Boyfriend? Closer, but...no... Soul mate.

Yes. Soul mate. That definitely fits Embry.

Maybe I'm going insane, creating an imaginary friend named Embry. Then again, I'm in a blank space or realm with a slight case of amnesia. I think it's safe to say I passed the mark for insanity long ago.

What happened to me? I'm not dead... Am I?

Oh, think, Janiya, think! If only I could remember...

I felt an odd detachment, as if I had once been rooted to something and was now floating aimlessly...but it was a different kind of aimless floating than the one in the dark. Truthfully, I preferred this one. It felt uncomfortable, though, as if I belonged somewhere else. Yet again, my mind did a complete turn and that Embry character was brought to mind. Was he my soul mate? Yes, of course, I've already established this. I was only going in circles. Soul mate. Soul mate.

Imprint.

I was an imprint. What was an imprint?

An imprint is an impression of something...in something else... Could that mean I was probably an indent in a metal beam somewhere? Maybe something equally as unattractive? I don't think so. Imprint. Imprinting.

Bonfires, forests, and beach shores at night come to mind. Why? I'm wracking my brain for all the answers, so focused on that that I don't notice when the scenery—or, rather, the blank canvas—around me changes. Colors are fading in...zooming in...focusing and becoming sharp, detailed pictures. I'm in a forest.

Why am I in a forest?

I try and see if I can move, if I can touch anything, but the tree I reach for seems to go right through me... On the contrary—I seem to go right through it... I'm not a ghost. This doesn't make sense. Yet, it does, on some subconscious level—it's all familiar to me. The words La Push seem to scream at me with every "step" I take.

And with those words, an entire floodgate of words pour through my mind—and my head spins as I gather my bearings. I know what I have to do.

But as soon as I realize that, the surroundings fly past me and change. I'm no longer in La Push, my home. After the blinding white light settles and my eyes adjust, the place feels familiar. It's a bit of dusty orange...and canyons...and...

I can guess what's going on. My soul's drifting. Pretty soon, I'll be completely gone... I'll disappear. So what am I doing here? I need to find out.

I, Janiya Caldwell, am going to do all I can to return to my Embry, just like he said he would for me. After all, what's the worst that can happen—I'll die?

Yes, I'm aware it's painfully short compared to normal chapters. But, hey, who said a BONUS chapter had to be longer than the normal ones? It's shorter, yeah, but it's for a certain reason, and not just because I couldn't think of what else to write that wouldn't be overkill.

*This was written before chapter 11, which is in Embry's POV. But it fits with it, so it's staying this way. This is just a look into what happened when she died. Or rather, afterward. Things will be explained in later chapters.