Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

A/N: I have to give credit to my friend and co-author The-Jellybaby-Bandit for making this happen. Thank you also to those who have reviewed thus far, your encouragement makes writing much more enjoyable.

Escape Plan by Frank Featherstiff

Chapter Four: Not All DVDs Are Porn

By the moment she had stepped from the shower that morning and had begun to towel off, Santana had decided that nothing important could ever happen on a Thursday. And so, with that thought in mind, the Latina got dressed and heading down to the kitchens gave Jarvis a list of everything necessary for the party the next day. Quickly grabbing a half-grapefruit for breakfast Santana picked up her keys and purse and headed to the spa - nobody would care if she was at school or not.

The Latina was looking forward to the party now that plans were in motion. Sure, Mercedes and Tina might have planned the logistics of this little soiree, but only Santana knew what was really happening. As always with the Latina, there were plans within plans, wheels within wheels - Santana's mind was always ticking over with new ideas, new scenarios and outcomes; all which would ultimately benefit her. It was that which made the thought of lying in a mud bath and not thinking such an attractive proposition.

'Being me is such hard work...'

There was also of course, the added pressure to look especially hot - because let's face it Santana looked hot all of the time, so that wasn't an issue - for Brit and to show everyone else what they couldn't have.

Slipping behind the wheel of her little sports car - a present from her Father after successfully passing Drivers Ed - Santana floored the accelerator and peeled out of the drive in a cloud of gravel and dust.

The next day at school, Santana could see that a profound lack of sex was starting to get to the male population of McKinley High. Groups of boys stood in small isolated pockets whining and moaning and sending longing glances in the direction of their estranged partners.

It was pathetic.

And highly amusing.

Santana allowed herself a little chuckle as she sashayed down the hallway in the direction of the Choir Room seeing all of the boys perking up and then watching as their faces fell at the realisation of who it was that was approaching.

'That's it boys; look but don't touch...'

This weekend would prove to be the first major test of Santana's plans. If Santana had her way every boy, with one very specific exception of course, would be having a very dick in hand weekend.

Walking into the Choir Room, Santana smirked as she purposefully sat herself down in the last seat on the row, so that Brittany wouldn't be able to sit by Artie when the pair finally rolled up to class together. Feeling not a little pleased with how things had thus far worked out, the Latina smiled, but looked up when a shadow fell across her.

Standing in front of her was Tina - and the Asian girl looked like she clearly wanted to say something. Quirking an eyebrow and adopting a bored expression, Santana flipped her ponytail over her shoulder while waiting for the Asian girl to speak.

Tina's outfit was even weirder then usual today noted Santana - some sort of black, on grey, on black patchwork number that did absolutely nothing for the girl's figure.

"I want you to listen carefully to my song today; know that I'm watching you at your party tonight and then I want you to meet me at Breadstix tomorrow for lunch...", said Tina her tone of voice brooking no argument. Of course - she was speaking to Santana however; who took no shit from no one.

"Get over yourself Asian, there is no way...", snapped Santana; her eyes lighting with a fire.

"Oh, you'll do it...", said Tina cutting the Latina off mid-stream and sitting down in the seat beside Santana so as not to draw any further attention to their conversation, "... you'll do it or otherwise I'm going to have to start talking and asking questions - and something tells me that you can't have someone asking questions at the moment."

As the rest of the Gleeks began to file into the Choir Room, Tina quietly stood up and retreated to the far side of the room to sit beside Mike, whilst Brittany sat beside Santana and cheerily offered the Latina a smile that warmed her heart.

"OK guys settle down. We have something a little different for us to begin with today...", said Mr Schue drawing the attention of the assembled Gleeks, ".. I understand that Tina has a performance she'd like to share with us all - Tina?"

All eyes turned to look at the usually quiet and reserved Goth girl as Mr Schue nodded to Tina in encouragement. Standing up and ignoring the curious look from Mike, who clearly knew about as much about the performance as the rest of the group, Tina moved to stand in front of the piano. Nodding to Brad and letting loose a small smile as the music started, Tina sang.

"I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him..."

Mike shifted uncomfortably in his chair as the lyrics Tina was singing began to sink in. The pair had watched Nightmare Before Christmas together just a few weeks earlier, and even at the time Mike had thought the song sounded like a Gothy, Disney, break-up kinda song.

If that was what was happening now - it was not cool. No more Asian kisses - bummer. Seeing the looks of shock and sympathy being aimed at him from some of the other Gleeks led Mike to the realisation he wasn't the only one to have reached the same conclusion.

"Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend..."

The Asian girl locked eyes with Santana and in that instant, the Latina realised with growing dread that Tina had figured something out - how much however was still unknown.

'Apparently Asian vampires are shifty vampires... god dammit...'

"And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?..."

Artie looked confused and slightly uncomfortable - at the knowing looks from some of the girls like Mercedes and Quinn and from the blank and completely oblivious Brittany. The wheelchair bound boy shifted nervously in his chair.

'Maybe something can be salvaged from this train wreck if Wheels still likes Asian Vampire Princess...'

"I think it's not to be
What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last
And will we ever end up together?
No, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one..."

After the last note died away, and the applause, and confused looks ended, Santana raised her hand.

"Mr Schue, I know rehearsal is really important and everything, but we are having a Glee bonding sleepover tonight, and we really need to leave early to get ready."

"Well, Santana...", said Mr Schue looking as if he wanted to argue.

"Thanks, you really do care about us as a team Mr Schue...", said Santana quickly flashing the teacher a smile and effectively cutting Mr Schue off at the knees.

Santana stood and quickly moved over to a pile of boxes that had been stashed behind the band's equipment when the Latina had gotten to school that day.

'I feel like Santana Claus...'

Handing each member of the group, with the notable exception of Bigfoot; not that Santana gave a crap about the glare from the girl; a garment bag the Latina turned to the door.

"These are your specifically tailored outfits for this evening. There are make-up diagrams in the bag for the girls. Berry, with me."

Bending to pickup one final box and making sure to flash the boys her panties as she did so, Santana walked out the door not even bothering to check whether Rachel was following her.

Mr Schue still stood in the centre of the room looking bemused at how he'd lost complete control, whilst Brad snickered silently at the teacher's expression from behind the piano.

"I'm not some dog that you can order around y'know...", grumbled Rachel as Santana led them down the hallway and into an unused and therefore empty class room.

Setting the box down on the table beside her Santana levelled her most lethal warning glare at Rachel and was pleased to see the other girl gulp suddenly realising what she'd said and who to.

"Sit."

Rachel sat.

"Stay."

Rachel froze.

Santana smirked.

"Good girl."

From the expression on Rachel's face it was clear to Santana that her little display had touched a nerve. The Latina was unrepentant however as sometimes, it was all Santana could do not to want to strangle the Glee club's 'Captain' with one of her own kitten sweaters.

"Just - what do you want Santana?"

"I wants to make sure you haven't chosen some cheesy show tunes for my party...", said Santana with a laconic drawl, "... unlike you, I have a rep to protects."

"You realise that you can't have a plural after saying 'a' right?", asked Rachel waspishly, "... It's terrible grammar..."

Santana raised her hand with the palm facing Rachel as she rolled her eyes,

"Talks to the hands..."

Rachel rolled her eyes again as she fished around in her bag for her iPod.

"Look Santana, I know you like winning just as much as I do, but we have to accept that we may not have Kurt back for Regionals...", said Rachel sporting a triumphant look on her face as she finally proved able to pull the device from the depths of her bag.

Santana smirked too. Asian might have an idea what was going on, but little Miss Streisand still had no clue. Grimacing, Santana accepted the offered ear bud but only after pointedly wiping it on Rachel's kitten sweater.

"Wax...", the Latina explained to the offended Rachel.

Santana couldn't help but approve of they style and lyrics of the songs Rachel had chosen - even though what she really wanted was yet another excuse to insult the girl. Still that opportunity would no doubt present itself soon enough.

The first song was haunting and sad and the second was still sad but had a definite strand of hope running through it.

"Well Berry, knock me down with a feather... it seems like you managed to do something right on the song choices. So who is singing what?", asked Santana plucking the ear bud from her ear and offering Rachel a genuinely impressed smile.

Either ignorant of the condescending tone to Santana's praise; or likely too swept up in the thought of the musical performances, Rachel responded immediately.

'Like an eager puppy...'

"Well, Finn is singing the first one, with Puck backing him up on guitar... On the second one, Tina, 'cedes and I will sing and Artie is playing guitar for us to back us up. Do you approve?"

Santana approved - but it wouldn't do to let Rachel's rampant ego get out of control.

"It's adequate..."

The real test would be whether Hummel would approve of the Glock playing to him in the outfit she had picked out for him. If she hadn't already been so fixated on getting Brittany back, Santana would have probably made a play for Puck in that outfit herself. Still that was all in the past now - she was going to be a one girl girl.

Giving Rachel a curt nod, the Latina reached into Rachel's bag - ignoring the girl's mutterings about invasion of privacy - and pulled out her cellphone.

"Call Dalton's switchboard. We need to make sure to get Kurt to the party tonight...", said Santana her tone of voice demanding that her instructions be followed without question, "... after all how can we have a Ball without the Queen in attendance?"

"What? No! Why? Why, me... why should I call?", stammered Rachel, her eyes wide with a sudden fear.

"Because...", said Santana as if she were speaking to a small child - or an idiot, "... we are calling half an hour before close of business on a Friday to get a new student out of school for the weekend. You're going to have to sound pathetic for this to work - just, just be, well - you."

"Fine. Watch and learn then...," said Rachel rising to the challenge and raising her very bushy eyebrows far enough that they disappeared into her hairline, '...this is how someone with real talent does something."

Snatching the cell from Santana's proffered hand, Rachel called directory assistance to get the number for Dalton Academy and in short order had the operator connecting her through to the main office.

"Dalton Academy switchboard, Sarah speaking?"

"Hello, this is Rachel Berry, Burt Hummel's assistant at Hummel Tire and Lube. I have one quick question if that's OK Sarah, Where on the grounds should Mr Hummel's stepson pick up his son Kurt this evening? Sure I have no problem hanging on..." Rachel paused for a moment obviously listening to Sarah speaking on the other end of the line, before picking up the threads of the conversation again, "...Well, that isn't good is it? Kurt has a Scientology Audit. Mr Hummel made sure to choose a school that was open and tolerant for Kurt. What? Oh, Monday. Sure thing. Front Circle? I'll let them know. OK, bye bye then."

Hanging up the phone, Rachel hurriedly handed the handset over to Santana.

"When it rings answer with a thick accent."

For once in her life, Santana did exactly as she was instructed.

"Hummel Tire and Lube, dis is Margarita Lemon, ow may I help chu? Mr. Hummel, no, he is out of the office dis afternoon. Nos vemos."

Rolling her eyes she handed the phone back to Rachel.

"So, will Frankenteen actually go get his new gay brother?

"Oh, he'll be there - I'll make sure of it...", said Rachel.

Nodding in apparent satisfaction, Santana waved a hand at the box on the table indicating that Rachel should take it and walked from the room.

Kurt had managed to now go over twenty-four hours without actually communicating with another human being. Well, verbally at the very least. The soprano had talked to 'cedes over text and IM the prior night and far into the wee hours of the morning, but it really wasn't the same.

Even during classes that day, the brunette hadn't had cause to open his mouth - what was the point anymore? No teacher had called on him for an answer - which was just as well as more often that not he didn't have the answer anyway - no one had asked for a pencil, and no one had even bumped into him in the halls, so that he would have opportunity to apologise.

Kurt had never known that silence could be so loud - it was deafening. Even sat surrounded by the other members of the Warblers during dinner that evening, the brunette might as well have been sitting in a room by himself.

It was torture.

Shuffling lethargically into the common room on the way back to his dorm - another night of Wikipedia searching ahead of him - Kurt was surprised to see a cardboard envelope sticking out of his mailbox. Since starting at Dalton the soprano had watched other students receiving mail, packages and on one memorable occasion a pair of silk panties from one of the senior's girlfriends. Praying that his envelope didn't contain any used panties, Kurt pulled it free and with a renewed sense of purpose, tore at the perforated edge. The brunette paused in confusion as an unmarked DVD fell into his hands.

'Huh?... I didn't order any porn...'

Slipping the rectangular box into his satchel, Kurt quickly made his way back through the winding hallways of the Academy to his dorm room. Switching on the lights and again noting that Buckley was nowhere to be found, Kurt dropped his satchel on the desk before he crossed to a small set of cupboards under the window.

Picking up a small bag from the lower shelf, Kurt unpacked his laptop and booted it up. Checking his emails out of habit and sighing when he saw no new messages - except for spam emails offering him Viagra...

'Viagra?... I'm 16... I need anti-Viagra!'

Kurt popped the DVD into the drive and waited until the whirring had died away to a dull roar and the Media Player automatically started to play the contents of the disc. Settling himself on his bed with his back against the headboard and the laptop resting on his knees, Kurt was intrigued by the smokey scene that appeared in front of him. It was obviously his school, well his old school, but Kurt still had no idea why he would be getting a movie.

Any thoughts of what was going on fled Kurt's mind as soon as the first image appeared on the computer screen. He gasped. Puck was singing to him. About pain. And loneliness. And love? The small boy sat down hard on his bed extremely confused. Why the hell was Puck messing with him? But then again, it couldn't be a joke could it? After all all of the Glee kids were backing him up, and his girls wouldn't let the jock play him like that. It was all very confusing, and was a problem for Kurt, and then he realized just exactly how hard of a problem it was for him.

"I shall not lust after another breeder, I shall not lust after another breeder..." repeated the brunette as a mantra willing his prominent hardon away.

By the time Puck gazed deep into the camera and winked at Kurt, the soprano almost came in his pants.

'Crap, that wink is going to haunt me for days...'

Adjusting himself and shifting the laptop slightly as it was sitting at a jaunty angle - and it kinda hurt too - Kurt sighed and began chanting his mantra over again. Kurt's erection disappeared faster than credit during the Christmas sales though when the door to his room was pushed opened from the outside and Buckley staggered in, wheezing and simultaneously trying to take a deep pull from his asthma inhaler.

"There - there's...", Buckley paused and took another deep breath, clearly he'd had to climb up from the ground floor to deliver the message, "... there's a jock in the Common Room here to see you."

Kurt raised a single curious eyebrow at the proclamation before he nodded - could it be Puck? Is this the part where the half-back comes in person to try to make fun of him in front of his new friends? First the texts, then the DVD and now a personal appearance?

'What was his game?'

Shutting down his laptop and putting it away again while Buckley seemed to putter about aimlessly; though the other boy continued to wheeze and appeared to be on the verge of passing out; Kurt left the dorm and descended by way of the main staircase. Half of the soprano was praying to Marc Jacobs that it was Puck who had come to visit; the other half, the upper half that didn't get engorged with blood at the most inopportune moments; was praying to Prada it was anyone else.

Wandering down through four levels worth of staircase gave Kurt the time he needed to properly compose' himself - though the brunette wished he'd stopped off at the bathroom to touch up his make-up. Reaching ground level and swinging around the staircase in the direction of the tall oak doors - all Dalton seemed to be made up of was an endless series of tall oak doors - Kurt was proud of himself that he was able to present a truly happy and pain free smile when he saw Finn standing there awkwardly talking to Blaine.

As Kurt walked up, the dark haired boy smiled at him widely and it was like a lance to the brunette's heart.

"Kurt! There you are good, Buckley found you then... I didn't know you were a Scientologist - we'll have to talk all about Thetans soon, the whole thing is fascinating. Well, anyway I won't keep you any longer, just be sure to have fun this weekend...", despite his reservations, Kurt submitted to the quick hug offered to him by Blaine as he smiled at Finn over the other boy's shoulder.

Blaine turned to address Finn finally before taking his leave,

"Be sure to take care of my boy now will you?"

Kurt pasted a smile onto his face even though his heart shattered as the words spilled effortlessly from Blaine's mouth. Of course, it wasn't Blaine's fault - he was oblivious to Kurt's feelings for him - that was completely the problem.

"I will... besides Kurt's family now...", said Finn giving Blaine his patented goofy, lopsided grin.

Waving to them both, Blaine trotted away in the direction of the main staircase and with him went all thoughts of Puck. Kurt could still feel the tingle in his limbs from the contact with Blaine's arms during their hug and so was a not completely with it when Finn asked innocently,

"Is he like, your boyfriend?"

Harsh reality crashed down around Kurt at the sound of those words and the soprano automatically fell back on his 'bitchier' persona,

"Scientologist?" asked Kurt quirking an eyebrow at a sheepish looking Finn, "... Besides, why are you here?"

"Yeah...", Finn answered nodding fervently - hard enough that Kurt was sure the Quarterback would pull something, "...I didn't know you were in science club either, but that is what Rachel said to say when I picked you up."

"Science...", muttered Kurt feeling the first initial stirrings of a headache on the horizon.

Finn shrugged his large shoulders,

"Yeah, so I'm here because Rachel told me to come get you?", said the Quarterback, turning what had started as a statement into a question with his confused tone of voice.

Kurt couldn't help it. He smiled. It was pure Finn. The boy would do anything, for anyone and never ask for an explanation.

'God I've missed Finn...'

"So, are you here to rescue me?", asked Kurt, suddenly very interested in the answer - if Finn were to say no, the brunette would probably start crying.

"I guess?...", replied Finn - his suddenly unsure tone of voice making Kurt's smile widen further, "... that is, if you want to be rescued?"

Kurt tittered at Finn's expression and linked his arm through his step-brothers,

"I would love to be rescued - especially if where I'm going has a bucket of non-fat popcorn and a copy of My Fair Lady..."

"Uh... I'm not sure..."

Kurt's happy laughter - his first in days - drowned out the rest of Finn's hesitant response as the soprano led the Quarterback in the direction of the main entrance,

"My knight in shining armour. C'mon, lets blow this popsicle stand!"

A/N: Song credit is "Sally's Song" from "The Nightmare Before Christmas" - quite fitting for this time of year...

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