Disclaimer: I do not own Glee, and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
A/N: I have to give credit to my friend and co-author The-Jellybaby-Bandit for making this happen. From now on I'll be back in classes so I'll keep writing but my updates might not be so regular. Please don't shed no tears! XD
Anyways, please enjoy this latest chapter.
Escape Plan by Frank Featherstiff
Chapter Six: Puck's Adventures in Pastryland
Kurt ever since he'd been little, had always early to rise in the morning. And so when the sun slowly crept above the horizon and began to stream in through the window of the guest bedroom the brunette had commandeered for the night, Kurt was wide awake and ready to begin his day.
Well. Almost ready.
Kurt cursed Finn silently at dragging him to Santana's and not at least giving him enough warning that he'd have to pack an overnight bag. It wouldn't have been so had if he had been dragged off to see his Dad and Carole; at least there Kurt maintained a continuous supply of his skincare products just in case. Quickly hopping out of bed, clad in nothing more than his boxer shorts; because again - Finn hadn't given him enough warning to pack a bag - Kurt snuck out of his room and into the hallway.
One good thing at least, about being up at the crack of dawn - or 'up with the cock' as Mercedes always said, though the brunette didn't find it quite as uproariously funny as the black girl did - was that in situations exactly like this, with Kurt padding down random hallways in nothing more than his boxer shorts he was exceedingly unlikely to run into anyone.
Reaching an ornate gold gilded set of double doors leading to what Kurt assumed must be the Master bedroom - or at least one of the Master bedrooms, Santana's home was palatial - Kurt tentatively tried the handle and smiled widely when the door opened smoothly in front of him. To say that the room was opulently decorated would be to say that Buckingham Palace was a 'little bit fancy'. From the antique Chesterfield sitting in front of the large marble surround log fire; on through to the huge four poster set on a dais by the large bank of floor to ceiling windows; there was absolutely no furnishing that Kurt himself would not have gladly decorated his own home with.
For the moment however decorating tips were not the focus of Kurt's attention as the brunette quickly crossed the expansive room, sighing at the exquisitely soft rug beneath his bare feet and entered the en-suite bathroom.
The bathroom was huge; even bigger than the huge bedroom; which was really saying something.
Kurt had seen Mrs Lopez in various society pages in the Lima Gazette and so he knew that Santana's Mother kept herself in pristine condition. And as was always the case where there was an impeccably presented older woman; there was always a hidden treasure trove of beauty products just waiting to be plundered.
Throwing open a cabinet by the large vanity Kurt grinned at seeing all of his own products - those from his life prior to Dalton that was - all lined up in perfect order for easy application.
'Mrs Lopez won't mind if I use just a little...'
Seating himself at the vanity, Kurt checked the small clock on the wall and satisfied that he still had at least an hour or two before any of the other Gleeks would wake, Kurt set to work.
Finished with his skincare and having redressed - albeit reluctantly in his school uniform from the day before - Kurt wandered downstairs, in an attempt to find the kitchen - and with it, breakfast.
"Good morning, Master Hummel..."
Kurt's shoulders instinctively tensed and his stomach dropped as the soprano turned on the spot. Instinctively ready to duck his head meekly and apologise for whatever uniform infraction he had committed; Kurt was shocked not to see Dr Dimples; with his damnable perfect white teeth and movie star good looks; but rather the same butler that had escorted him to the party the night before.
"Uh - hey...", Kurt cleared his throat embarrassed before replying more formally, "... I mean, good morning, Sir."
'Way to go Kurt... make an ass of yourself in front of Mr Belvedere...'
The only external clue to the butler's amusement at Kurt's discombobulation was a slight twitch of an eyebrow.
"Breakfast is being served on the terrace, Master Hummel. If you would follow me?"
Kurt gulped and nodded; his throat suddenly dry as he traipsed after the butler out through the french doors and onto a terrace overlooking a lily pond.
Kurt had fully expected to be the only person awake given the early hour; but as the soprano followed the scent of fresh bread over to a trestle table with a buffet breakfast laid out; he was shocked to see Puck already seated and nibbling experimentally at a croissant as if it would turn round and bite him.
Fixing his own plate with some Churros and chocolate; something Kurt had never tried but was curious to do so; the brunette pulled out the chair opposite the jock and sat down.
"It's just bread Puck, it's not going to bite you back...", giggled Kurt as the half-back continued to look warily at the pastry on his plate.
Puck grumbled and stabbed at the pastry with a knife as if checking that the buttery pastry was truly dead,
"It's stupid is what it is..."
"It's just a croissant...", maintained Kurt, tearing off a piece of Churros and dipping it into his chocolate, "... here try this then..."
Kurt didn't know what made him do it - what evil fairy had taken temporary control of his senses and made him do something to - so suicidal.
'He's going to kill me... my life is over...'
"Mppph...", said Puck as he tried to chew around the large lump of Churros and chocolate that had been unceremoniously stuffed into his mouth by the soprano.
Swallowing the jock's expression was a mix of enjoyment of having eaten the Churros and liked it; and exasperation for Kurt thinking it was alright to start hand feeding him.
"Jeez... it was one kiss Hummel - don't go getting all domesticated on me!"
Kurt sighed with relief seeing the teasing smile on Puck's face.
'Wait... teasing smile? What the Hell's going on?'
And then in an instant, the comment sank in and Kurt's appetite disappeared.
'The kiss... last night...'
"Y'know, though...", said Puck reaching over and pilfering Kurt's plate for some more Churros and ignoring the offended look on the soprano's face, "... you should be honoured in a way. You're first kiss and it's with Puckzilla; they should commemorate the occasion with a national holiday or something..."
"It wasn't... my first giss... I mean, kiss..." said Kurt hesitatingly fumbling over his words.
It appeared also, that once the brunette had started, the floodgates had opened and Kurt was unable to prevent himself from rambling still,
"I mean, it was... it was more of a real kiss than the first one but then it wasn't at the same time too, because both were kisses and both were wet and so yeah, no... shutting up now...", Kurt took a bite of his Churro just to have something in his mouth to help him shut up.
"What?" Puck asked slightly offended at Kurt's lack of suitable fawning over the jock being his first, "... Let me guess, one of those Dalton douche bags went all Mack daddy on your ass before the Puckzilla arrived?"
"I wish, I mean - dammit! No!", blurted Kurt suddenly no longer in control of his own tongue and blushing prominently, "I was still at...never-mind. I can't talk about it"
"OK, keep your secrets... it's not like it changes the fact that no matter who tapped your ass first...", the jock ignored Kurt's sudden spluttering and coughing, "... no matter what, Puckzilla will always be better."
"Well, it wasn't much of a competition..." Kurt grumbled as he stabbed at the little bowl of chocolate with the end of his Churros. "... Anyway, how has school been since I've been gone?" asked Kurt desperately trying to change the subject.
"Lame."
Kurt raised an eyebrow at the monosyllabic response, which though not unexpected wasn't exactly helpful.
"Care to vague that up for me?...", prompted Kurt with a soft-glare.
Puck shrugged unconcerned and tossed the soprano a surprisingly genuine expression.
"You need to come back dude. It totally blows having my boy gone."
Kurt could feel the heat on his face and it took most of Kurt's willpower not to reach out to the jock to commiserate as Puck truly looked dejected. However, the brunette was just too surprised by the heartfelt emotion in Puck's words to really react.
"Ummm, thanks I guess...", whispered Kurt his throat suspiciously lump-filled with emotion.
"No sweat, Hummel..." Puck answered as the jock shook himself out of his dejected musings, "... anyways, how is Dalton? Established yourself as leader of the pod people yet?"
Kurt giggled at the thought of his lording it over the whole of the Dalton population as their leader before the smile dropped from his face. There was no way that Kurt would ever be the leader of anything at Dalton - he'd be lucky just not to flunk out of all of his classes.
Kurt jumped as he felt a large, warm hand come to rest on the back of his own which had, the brunette noticed to his chagrin, been schmushing his remaining Churros into a fine paste.
"Easy Hummel, you'll break a nail...", quipped Puck trying to lighten the mood, "... so you still wanna keep secrets or are you ready to talk?"
Kurt considered the question carefully - could he really bare his soul to Puck of all people? Could he tell Puck how lonely he was at Dalton? How he was struggling in almost all of his classes? How he felt like a complete failure? How he was letting his Dad and Carole down after they had sacrificed their own honeymoon for his happiness?
"Alright - clearly you don't want to..."
Kurt realised that he'd been sitting in silence for what must have been a couple of minutes whilst having his internal debate, and that in that time Puck had obviously decided that the soprano wasn't going to be opening up to him and had stood clearly intent on leaving.
"No..., said Kurt hurriedly getting to his feet and reaching out an arm, snagging the jock's wrist before he could walk away, "... I'm sorry, I drifted off. I'd like to talk about it but - raincheck?"
Kurt looked up into Puck's face expecting to see an expression of derision. What he saw however shocked the soprano to his core; what he saw was calm acceptance.
'Maybe Puck really has grown up...'
"Hey!.."
Kurt looked up into Puck's smirking face and realised that he must have spoken aloud and that rather than beat him up, which in times done by would have been Puck's go to move, the jock was instead teasing him. It was surreal. But not unpleasant.
"I happen to be erudite and witty, Hummel..."
Kurt raised a single eyebrow in surprise at the jock causing him to run out of steam and look at Kurt in confusion,
"What?"
"Erudite?"
Kurt smirking teasingly at the suddenly bashful looking jock. The soprano didn't know what it was, whether it was the text message, or the video, or even the kiss, but Kurt was beginning to really enjoy spending time alone with Puck.
"What... I read!...", Kurt threw a hand up over his mouth to stifle his giggles at the expression on Puck's face, "... oh alright, I had a word-a-day calendar OK?"
Kurt fought against the urge to break down in guffaws of laughter as Puck blushed to the roots of his hair in embarrassment.
"Don't worry Noah...", the brunette said, trying out the jock's first name to see how it felt and ignoring the questioning raised eyebrow, "... if all else fails I'm sure your bedroom prowess will carry you through..."
"Damn straight...", said Puck with an expression of utter self-confidence.
The easy banter between the pair was interrupted a moment later by the arrival onto the terrace of a still groggy Sam, who ignoring everyone and everything around him, shuffled towards them wrapped up in a loosely belted plush white cotton robe and little else.
Kurt's eyes tracked the blonde as Sam traipsed sleepily over to the buffet and as if on autopilot, poured himself a bowl of cereal. Adding milk and picking up a spoon, the blonde slumped down in a chair at the end of the table and began to mechanically shovel cereal into his mouth, chewing noisily.
Kurt realised with some shock that in the process of having sat down, the tie on Sam's robe had come undone and the blonde was now unwittingly granting the brunette a free show of everything that he had to be proud of.
'And he has a lot to be proud of... Quinn is one lucky bitch...'
"Um... Sam?...", said Kurt doing his best to maintain higher brain function and still warn his obviously hung - and hungover - friend about what was going on.
Still, even with living full-time at an all boys school now, it was rare for Kurt to get a live and in person show like this and so he was determined to take advantage.
'If Sam never knows then it won't hurt any will it?'
Sam didn't visibly react to Kurt's voice as he continued munching lethargically on his cereal. Hitching his leg up and propping it on the chair beside him however, Sam ended up turning his morning peep show into a freakin' display.
'Hell it practically qualifies for a seat of it's own...'
Then it twitched.
Kurt couldn't help it; he let out a girlish squeak before wincing as Puck's hand which was laying on his shoulder squeezed. A feeling of dread filled Kurt and any blood that wasn't already powering the blush on the brunette's face, rushed there in an instant.
'Puck... shit...'
Kurt tensed at the realisation that Puck was watching him - well, ogle was the nicest word Kurt could thing of - his friend and teammate. That had to violate some sort of straight boy code somewhere. This had to spell the end for any friendship that had been starting to form between the two guys.
Puck hadn't spent a lot of time looking at other dude's junk, the occasional glance in the showers maybe, when he was younger, just to make sure of his superiority - but after the conversation with Santana, the jock decided to take the opportunity presented and try it. After all Sam was presenting himself to the room like some kind of prize on a gameshow, so it wasn't as if Puck went looking to look.
Examining Sam's cock, Puck thought about it for a moment, before he shrugged. Sam's cock wasn't exactly sending him running for the hills, and the half-back figured that if need be he could come up with something fun to do with it. It was just a fleshy tube lets face it.
And then it twitched.
And Puck became interested in Sam's cock all over again, given the similar twitch his own cock had given in response to the blonde jock.
'Are all blondes that small though?'
Realising he was now staring, Puck quickly averted his eyes before either of the boys realised he was checking Sam out. The jock needn't have worried really, Sam was still practically comatose and Kurt - well, Kurt couldn't seem to tear his eyes away from Sam's crotch.
Puck narrowed his eyes and glared at the oblivious brunette. It didn't matter that Puck wasn't waving his cock all around in Kurt's face. It should still have been the case that if someone with a sex drive was in the room, their eyes should be fixed firmly on him - it was the natural order of things.
Noah Puckerman was made to be appreciated dammit and would not be upstaged by some blonde's unimpressive cock. Puck also didn't like the fact that Kurt appeared to have slipped into a relationship with Sam's cock akin to a snake and it's charmer. The thought of Kurt looking at Sam did funny things to the half-back's gut - it felt sorta like gas.
'Stupid Churros...'
Leaning down behind the soprano, Puck made sure that his breath ghosted across Kurt's ear as he spoke, loudly enough to shock Sam out of his morning daze,
"How's it hanging Evans?...", Puck revelled in the squeak of surprise that he was able to draw from Kurt, "... Oh never mind, y'know I always figured you'd be more of a short and to the left kinda guy..."
Puck broke down laughing a moment later as Sam's horrified eyes popped open wide, and the blonde jock realised where he was.
"Shit...", screamed Sam as he hurriedly tried to get to his feet, trying to pull the robe tighter around himself and only succeeded in spilling his half-full bowl of cereal into his lap, "... I'm not at home..."
Puck smirked as he heard Kurt's giggle and decided he'd have a little fun at the blonde's expense,
"You give your Mom a show like that every morning Evans? Want me to come round and show her what a real cock looks like sometime?"
Puck reached for his belt buckle before stopping in shock as he felt a smaller hand, grab his own - Kurt's hand - which was now pressed up against Puckzilla through the jock's jeans.
Puckzilla twitched.
Kurt's hand disappeared and a blush appeared on the brunette's face before Kurt collected himself and cleared his throat, addressing both boys.
"Now now boys, let's not get into a python measuring contest shall we?"
Puck snorted,
"Python?"
'He honestly thinks that was a python?'
Kurt glared Puck into silence which the half-back reluctantly allowed; for the moment.
"I'm uh... just going to get dressed...", mumbled a mortified looking Sam who could not meet either of the other boys eyes.
Puck chuckled as Sam beat a hasty retreat, disappearing back into the main house just at the exact moment that Rachel came tearing out screaming at the top of her lungs,
"YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE FINN HUDSON!"
Puck ignored the oncoming storm and returned to his seat. After all this argument had barely anything to do with him and the jock hadn't yet found a breakfast food to satisfy his hunger - and picked up another one of those 'kwasson' things from the platter in front of him.
"I'M IMPOSSIBLE? YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!", cried Finn bursting from the main building in hot pursuit of the brunette girl and stumbling his way up the steps to the terrace.
Puck looked up as the chair beside him scraped on the decking, giving Kurt a small smile and offered the brunette some of his pastry as he sat down. Both boys rolled their eyes at the dramatics and settled in, sharing the same breakfast pastry, to watch the fireworks.
"I'M IMPOSSIBLE?", shouted Rachel stepping up into Finn's face - well up to Finn's chest and then looking up.
"YES AND DEAF TOO APPARENTLY; I SAID THAT ALREADY!", screamed Finn, spittle flying from his mouth as he stood toe to toe with the diminutive Rachel.
Puck leaned over into Kurt's personal space and muttered into the soprano's ear,
"I don't think Rachel's going to be the only one walking away from this deaf..."
Kurt giggled into his hand and tried to ignore the warm feeling from being in such close proximity to the jock - if the brunette closed his eyes he could imagine Puck wrapping his arm over his shoulders and pulling him in against his side.
'Get a grip Kurt...'
"I SAID I WAS SORRY; WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?", screamed Rachel
Kurt shook himself from his Puck induced daydream and focused on the arguing pair. Rachel was all up in Finn's personal space, the smaller girl drilling her finger into one of Finn's pecs to punctuate each of her utterances. Finn was usually laid back almost to the point of being unconscious, so Kurt was becoming more and more concerned for his step-brother the more the Quarterback's face moved along the colour chart towards puce.
'I'd better get him out of here... besides I need a ride back to school...'
"I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF MY FACE ALL OF THE TIME!"
Kurt quickly got to his feet, laying a hand on Puck's shoulder,
"I think it's time someone broke up this little marital dispute, text me later?"
The soprano didn't wait for a response from the half-back who was still munching on his pastry while watching the argument with amusement sparking in his eyes, Kurt crossed to stand between the two raging teens.
The noise of the argument had clearly echoed sufficiently through the large house so as to wake all of the other occupants, as Kurt saw Santana, Brittany, Tina, Artie, Mercedes, Mike and a rather red faced Quinn, all standing at the bay doors leading from the main house and watching on in rapt fascination.
"Mommy...", said Kurt in a sickly sweet childish voice addressing Rachel before turning to face Kurt, "...Daddy... enough with the fighting..."
Rachel was clearly spoiling for a fight however as she snapped at Kurt,
"Butt out Kurt, this has nothing to do with you."
Kurt turned his best, pants wetting glare on Rachel and was pleased as the girl stuttered slightly and began to steadily deflate. The brunette turned back to face Finn who was alternately clenching and unclenching his large hands and Kurt could quite imagine that the Quarterback was picturing slamming his fists into something hard.
'Here's hoping it's not me...'
"Finn... I need a ride. Get yourself some breakfast and lets go."
Finn looked down into Kurt's steady gaze before taking a deep breath, his shoulders sagging.
"OK..."
"Hey dude, try one of these kwasson things, they're awesome!...", called Puck from his seat.
Kurt rolled his eyes as he called over his shoulder without turning round,
"It's pronounced croissant Puck, what happened to you being all erudite?"
All eyes turned to examine the suddenly speechless and squirming half-back as Kurt grabbed up a Danish for Finn and latched onto his step-brother's arm.
"Right - you can eat this on the way - thanks for a wonderful party Santana..."
As Santana pulled into the parking lot at Breadstix later that evening, she had reached a decision.
As far as her plan went, Finn was done. The Quarterback was just too divisive and Santana risked the complete collapse of her plan were she to continue to try to force the jock back with Rachel.
Finn would just have to have his dick turn black and fall off before it ever got near another girl again.
'It's not like Finn had much to shout about anyways... I barely felt him before it was over...'
Switching off the engine, Santana checked her ponytail in the rear-view before she hopped out of her car.
Santana arrived late to her lunch with Tina on purpose. Asian Vampire Girl may hold all the mysterious cards, but it was important that the Latina prove to both of them that she was the one in charge.
Rolling her eyes at the hostess, Santana ignored the simpering moron trailing her and protesting that she had to wait to be seated, and stalked through the restaurant until she found Tina seated in a back booth by herself.
Shrugging off her coat, Santana launched it at the hostess; who to her credit caught it out of reflex as the Latina spoke dismissively over her shoulder,
"Ice water... and no skimping on the ice..."
"I'm surprised you choose this place..,", said Santana as she slid into the booth, "...aren't your people afraid of garlic?"
Tina simply lifted an eyebrow, before grabbing a bread stick out of the basket between the two girls and tearing it in half.
"I'm going to assume that was one of your usual cracks about my being a Vampire and not about my being Asian; as that'd be racist..."
The Latina rolled her eyes as she picked up a bread stick and her ice water was delivered to the table. It was important that Santana play this exactly right; one mis-step; one false move and the entire house of cards could come tumbling down.
It was for that reason that Santana remained silent; a silence which dragged on for several minutes before Tina finally cracked under the pressure.
"So, what's you angle Santana?...", the Latina raised a single eyebrow at the question as she dipped one end of the bread into the bowl of red sauce, "...I mean, I get that you're trying to break up Mike and I. I also get that you also want me to find comfort in Artie's arms, so that you can be there to get with Brittany again..."
Santana was impressed; Tina knew more than even the Latina had dared imagine.
"But... the one bit in all of this that I don't get - is Kurt and Puck..."
Santana remained still as she could for a moment. This was a fishing expedition after all and it wouldn't do to give AVP too much too soon - if she decided to give her anything at all.
"I really have no idea what is going on in that twist...mumph" Santana coughed around the bread-stick that was quickly shoved in her mouth.
"Don't lie to me Lopez." Tina said shaking her head sadly. "I was the shy quiet girl for way too long not to notice what's going on around me. Now," she said brightening her tone, and templeing her fingers, "try again, and this time assume that I'm smarter than a brick - or Finn."
"What can I give you?" santana asked wiping sauce off her cheek. "Is this blackmail? You can't prove anything!" She whispered harshly leaning closer to the other girl.
"No, but people will believe me because I'm not a bitch know for destroying people lives. Now. Tell. Me."
Santana rolled her eyes. "I don't loose, and I like having Hummel around. I know any teen boy will always chase getting off, so there."
"Ok, I"m in." said Tina smirking, settling back into the booth.
"I don't care...what?"
I said I'm in." Tina said shrugging. "My relationship with Mike is over even if we are fighting against it, and I just miss Artie. You want your ex, and I want mine, so I'm in. Plus," she said with a small smile, "I miss Kurt, and if you think Puck is gay enough to make out with my friend then I say we go for it. I mean, the boy needs an ego boost. A real one- not just his diva facade."
"So we are working together?" The Latina asked?
"Looks like it."
"Then there are some things I need to tell you..."
A/N: Thanks for reading. As I said, I'm back in classes now so updates may become less frequent - rest assured however that both I and James are fully committed to the story and that there will be future instalments.
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