University Introductory History
Evie Little was jostled awake by a sharp elbow to the ribs. "You're bleeding on my shirt!" complained the one who had just jabbed her.
"Um, sorry?" Evie said, startling awake and looking around her. She was strewn somewhere in the middle of a pile of bodies, one of whom was speaking. From the amount of wriggling around her, it seemed like everyone else was waking up as well. There was a shrill sound of a bell, and a voice shouting "ON YOUR FEET!"
The wriggling intensified, and Evie found herself part of a slow avalanche of students tumbling end from end and eventually scrambled to her feet. She knew it would be a terrible thing to disobey the voice.
"IN A LINE!" the voice demanded. The remaining few still on the ground jumped up and they fell into something that vaguely resembled a line, looking wildly around for the source of the voice.
"Thanks, y'all!" a sweet voice chimed from the front of the room. Evie peered around the girl in front of her, but still couldn't see through the mass of people. "Damnit, I knew I should have put a podium in here!" the voice drawled.
"I'M ON IT!" barked the first voice. Suddenly, Evie could see the owner of the drawling voice, mostly because said woman was floating at least ten feet in the air.
"Welcome to the Remedial Fanfiction Academy! You have been handpicked by myself, Lady Ivy, and our illustrious staff for an intensive remedial education in all things canonical, grammatical, and-"
"I WILL BREAK YOU!" boomed the voice from the intercom.
"Now Lady Ivy, be nice. As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, you are the worst of the worst and we have brought you here before you can be sent to the appropriate university. If you graduate, you can expect to find yourselves at our esteemed institutes of higher learning such as OFUM, HFA, MUSM, etc."
"What are they talking about?" asked the girl who had elbowed Evie.
"If you fail," continued the floating woman, "a brick to the head will be the least of your worries." Several of the students rubbed their heads.
"BECAUSE I WILL BREAK YOU!"
"And now for the introductions! I am Mistress Kat! THIS is Bessie," she said, brandishing what looked like a sparkly red whip. There was a mooing noise which suddenly echoed around the hall, and students shuddered. Somehow, the moo seemed sinister.
With a wide smile, Mistress Kat continued. "The heretofore disembodied voice shouting directions at you is Lady Ivy."
"FEAR ME," Lady Ivy boomed.
Mistress Kat visibly rolled her eyes. "I am sure you'll see her prowling the halls later. Now ladies, before I introduce you to our staff, I would like to make one thing very clear: There is to be no glomping, no stampeding, and no squealing. Violate these regulations and you'll meet Bessie firsthand."
"AND I WILL BREAK YOU!"
Evie was on the verge of laughter and turned to Elbow-Girl to share an amused smile. "They seriously think we're going to stampede a bunch of old men?" she whispered conspiratorially.
"I know, right?" snickered someone on the other side of Elbow-Girl.
Before anyone else could chime in, Mistress Kat continued. "Heading up our contingent from Middle Earth is none other than Legolas, Aragorn, Arwen, Eowyn, and Faramir."
Evie was confused. Where the hell was Middle Earth and who the hell were those people? She turned to look at Elbow-Girl, but she was on the floor, fighting to stand amidst the stampede of fangirls. In fact, a third of the students had charged to the front of the room shouting things like, "String me up on your bow!" and "I'll let you rule my kingdom!"
From the sky there was a sudden hail of commas and a large bone-rattling moo. "That will be quite enough," Mistress Kat reprimanded, her voice icy.
"WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY!"
The students all muttered and crowded back, making plans for future, more subtle attempts at wooing their lust objects.
"Alright. Now, if I could have your attention for just a few more moments, I will introduce the rest of our staff. From England, we have Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley."
Evie knew who these people were, but she wasn't about to stampede to meet them. Who cared about men with pointy sticks when you could have men with pointy teeth? Another third of the room disagreed, and charged recklessly to the front. This time, the professors just smiled and raised their wands. The only sound accompanying the squeeing of fangirls was the splat of them hitting the professors' shield charms. The four wizards grinned.
Lady Ivy boomed again, "BACK IN YOUR LINES. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LINES?"
Mistress Kat rubbed a hand across her face, and waited for the uproar to settle down. Wearily, she waved a hand, beckoning the last group of professors forward. "And our dear friends from Washington."
Screams could be heard throughout the hall, but there was a new sound, that of two thirds of the student body hissing and withdrawing. The Twilight lusters took no notice and charged forward, Evie among the first.
"EDWARD!" was the unified cry.
The other professors looked amused and Mistress Kat seemed hesitant to crack her whip. The stampeding fangirls/students were only prevented from reaching the front by a sudden wall of semicolons.
"Right, that went rather well," said Legolas, beaming. Sighs were heard throughout the crowd (a few girls fainted).
"Ladies, our professors are to be treated with respect," began Mistress Kat.
"RESPECT DOES NOT ENTAIL PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO SEDUCE THE STAFF," boomed Lady Ivy from above.
"I'd also like to introduce you to your protectors and tormenters. In a moment, I'll open these doors and you will quietly and quickly find yourselves a room in our dormitory. Three minutes after these doors open, I will release the plunnies. And ladies, you won't like them." With an evil laugh, Mistress Kat floated down, reached into her sparkly red boots and pulled out a giant brass key. With the key, she unlocked a large set of double doors and shouted, "Tick tock!"
"TICK TOCK!" added Lady Ivy for good measure.
Students pelted out of the room with longing glances toward their lust objects. Soon, only the staff was left.
"Well, I thought that went well," smiled Arwen, pleased that her man had not been trampled for the first time in University introductory history.
"Speak for yourself," whined Bella.
Mistress Kat rolled her eyes and checked her watch. A wide grin made its way across her face. "That's three minutes," she said, grinning maniacally.
Lady Ivy emerged from the small office door concealed behind a bookcase. "Is it time to release the plunnies?"
"Release the plunnies!" Mistress Kat crowed. Nothing happened for several seconds, and she looked sheepish. "Oh, right. The key." She fished another key out of her boot and strode across the room.
Lady Ivy turned to Legolas. "On the plus side, only a third of the students here care about you enough to lust after you," she said brightly.
Eowyn grinned and shared a conspiratorial look with Arwen. "And if it changes, don't worry, Legsie, we'll protect you," she said, winking lewdly.