Chapter Two of When Aliens Attack starring Matthew Perry, Christopher Lambert, Anne Heche, Eliza Dushku, and---wait.Oopsie. Wrong story.
Ahem. Chapter Two of Crash Course Parenting starring the Final Fantasy X crew is here. Yay! (crickets chirp) well, fine. I thought it was exciting.
It may become blatantly obvious as the story wears on, but I have never been around 3 or 6 year olds. If they act smarter (or dumber) than they should, then I apologize. It's a...a...a plot device. Yeah,that's it, a plot device!
There's some use of Al Bhed in this story, as it wouldn't be authentic if all the Al Bheds spoke the common language. The translations are directly after the sentence, for more convenient reading. This concludes the obscenely long (and undoubtedly pointless) A/N.
"When will the shoopuf return?" Yuna asked the Hypello distraughtly.
"Ze shoopuf returnsh when ze shoopuf returnsh," the ferryman replied. "You cannot rush ze shoopuf."
"Please, it's an emergency," Lulu told the Hypello.
"Imposhibibble," the Hypello shook his head, then walked away from the group.
"Argh, stupid shoopuf," Wakka kicked the dirt.
They had followed Kimahri's nose toward the shoopuf dock, picking up Auron's fallen wardrobe while their fears of Auron's status rose by the minute. They arrived at the docks, only to find the shoopuf gone, having already taken passengers across the Moonflow.
Tidus looked downward as a hand tugged the hem of his shirt. Rikku, newly clothed in a better-fitting pink jumper, said, "You promised we'd find Tytto."
"I know Rikku, but we have another friend to find, too," Tidus told her. He backtracked, and announced, "Hey, why don't we call up Cid? We'll kill two birds with one stone: he can take us over on his airship, and Rikku will be with her dad."
"Sound good," Kimahri nodded. "Call Cid."
"Right," Yuna nodded.
Rikku smiled. She didn't know what they meant by 'airship,' but she knew Cid was her tytto's name. Though, she wasn't sure if she liked the idea of hurting birdies to find her tytto.
Lulu and Yuna left to contact Cid. With only Kimahri, Tidus, and Wakka to entertain her, Rikku decided to play. She slapped Wakka's leg and ran, giggling madly.
"Hey, what was that for?" Wakka called.
"It's Tag, silly-head!" Rikku shouted back. "You're It!"
Wakka looked at Tidus, clueless. "It's a game," Tidus explained. "One person starts out as "It" and the others are free. The one who's It tries to touch others while they run away to make them It."
"Oh," Wakka nodded, then slapped Tidus. "You're It, then!" He proceeded to run.
Tidus turned to Kimahri. "Wanna play?"
Kimahri stared at the blitzer dubiously. "Kimahri keep watch," the Ronso finally said.
Shrugging, Tidus said, "Suit yourself," and chased after Rikku and Wakka.
After five minutes of play (during which Rikku miraculously avoided the adults in spite of their best efforts) Lulu and Yuna came back. "Cid will be here shortly," Yuna told them all.
"We had to tell him about Rikku before he could be swayed," Lulu added bitingly. "He apparently had a very important meeting with Rin at the Thunder Plains Travel Agency."
"Tytto is coming?" Rikku chirped. When Tidus nodded, she cried in glee and pranced.
"How long?" Kimahri asked the two women.
"Cid said no more than a half-hour," Yuna answered. "I think he'll break the sound barriers just to make sure Rikku is alright."
Yuna was correct. In fifteen minutes the airship landed cacophonously by the Moonflow. The Al Bhed leader disembarked the airship, yelling, "Rikku? Yuna? Tidus?"
"Byby!" Rikku screeched, kicking up dust to reach her father.(Papa) She leapt into his arms, and made no notice of his shocked face as she launched into a fairly long-winded tale of her experiences.
"E fyc cmaabehk naymmo famm yht tnaysehk uv Sysy frah drec pek pmia suhcdan lnaydina dryd E vuiht uid fyc naymmo y kuut vneaht fuga sa ib yht E fyc ymm ymuha fedruid oui yht hu uha byet yddahdeuh du sa cu E lneat yht drao cdyndat byoehk yddahdeuh du sa ykyeh yht Tidus bnusecat ra't veht oui, yht rec Al Bhed ec naymmo vihho-cuihtehk, duu, yhtYuna ec yh yfvim mud mega dryd luiceh Yunie oui dumt sa E ryt, yht Wakka ec naymmo vihho, yht Lulu ec yfvimmo hela yht—"
(I was sleeping really well and dreaming of Mama when this big blue monster creature that I found out was really a good friend woke me up and I was all alone without you and no one paid attention to me so I cried and they started paying attention to me again and Tidus promised he'd find you, and his Al Bhed is really funny sounding, too, and Yuna is an awful lot like that cousin Yunie you told me I had, and Wakka is really funny, and Lulu is awfully nice and—)
"Rikku, lyms tufh," Cid interrupted, wide-eyed. (calm down) "You're speaking like a broken sphere."
"Byby," Rikku rolled her eyes, nonetheless delighted that she was in her father's embrace once again.
"It's just as we told you, Cid," Lulu approached delicately. "Rikku is six years old, and we're afraid the same fate may have occurred to Sir Auron."
Cid paused, remembering the stoic guardian. He chuckled. "That man was probably the most depressed child in the history of Spira."
"Uncle!" Yuna frowned at the man. "Sir Auron is a great and courageous man."
"Hmph," Cid snorted, his preconceptions of the guardian still firmly rooted. "Come on, Rin and I were going to talk about rebuilding Home before you called. I'm probably late as it is."
"We gonna see Uncle Rin?" Rikku inquired cheerily.
"Yep, we're going to see Uncle Rin," Cid lowered Rikku to the ground; he still had some trouble seeing his sixteen year old ten years younger. "Come on, everyone! I ain't in the mood to keep Rin waiting! He's worse than I am that way."
Rin entered his business, carrying Ron on his back. He looked around but saw no sign of Cid. He came up to the counter and asked the receptionist, "Have you seen Cid?"
"He went out for a bit," she replied. "Said he'd be back ASAP."
"Alright. Thank you." So much for me being late; where in the world could he be? Rin grumbled to himself as he went to the back, setting a sleeping Ron on a soft chair. The boy mumbled, then shifted for a more comfortable position.
He needs clothes, Rin thought. Clothes that fit, and not for a man quintuple his size.
Going into his storage, Rin sifted through his goods. He finally came out with a vibrant green shirt and yellow pants, tailored in true Al Bhed style. Gingerly Rin pulled Auron upright, dressing the boy without waking him.
Rin felt rather than heard the front doors swing open, and Cid's unmistakable voice yelled, "Rin!"
Ron made a face in his sleep and burrowed deeper into the chair. Rising quickly, Rin entered the lobby. "Cid, keep your voice down. People do sleep here, you know."
"Uncle Rin!" a young voice cried, one that Rin had not heard in a long time.
A body attached itself to his leg, and Rin found himself looking at the top of a much younger Rikku's head. "Rikku? Is that you?"
"Course it's me," Rikku grinned upward. "Who else would it be?"
"Somehow she was transformed into a child," Lulu entered the building, greeting Rin. "She is not our only worry, however."
"Ya, Sir Auron's missing, too," Wakka added.
Sir Auron. Auron. Auron. "Oh, tysh," Rin shook his head (damn). "That was it."
"What was what?" Tidus pressed.
Rin detached his leg from Rikku's grasp, and left the room. The group was mystified, until Rin reentered carrying a bundle. A rather young, sleepy bundle.
"Mmm, want sweep," 'Ron' yawned, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
Yuna gasped, approaching Rin and the boy. "Is that. . . Sir Auron?"
The boy, Auron, peered at the summoner. "Pwetty eyes," he murmured, reaching out a tiny hand.
"Whoo boy," Tidus slumped his shoulders; until that moment, he had held out hope for Auron's normalcy. "Auron's a kid. This day just keeps getting worse and worse."
Rikku stared up at the dark-haired boy. "I'm cuter," she announced firmly.
Auron turned his gaze from Yuna's eyes to Rikku. His searching gaze found a charm dangling in her hair. A shiny charm at that. In true toddler fashion, Auron grabbed it and pulled, attempting to claim it as his own.
"Ow!" Rikku wailed. "Stop that! You're pulling my hair!"
"Mwine!" Auron cried.
"No! It's mine!"
"Bad Auron!" Yuna gasped, prying his fingers loose. Given that he no longer had the strength of his former, legendaryself, Auron's grasp was relatively weak.
His lung capacity had not diminished, apparently, as he took to howling. Loudly.
"I never thought I'd be saying this of Auron, but shut him up!" Wakka yelled over the din. "He'll wake the dead in the Farplane!"
Cid took up the challenge, taking the boy from Rin's hold and rocking him. "Hey, shh, stop your cryin'. You ain't hurt."
The cries dwindled down to sniffles, but Auron still eyed the charm in Rikku's hair. "Wan'," he said, reaching out for the item.
"Nuh uh!" Rikku danced away, hiding behind Lulu's dress. "It's mine! Tytto gave it to me, you can't have it!"
Auron looked ready to wail again. Desperate, Tidus searched the room for a replacement. Nothing was as shiny as Rikku's charm except. . . .
Lulu's hair pins.
"Lulu, give me one of your hair pins," Tidus whispered to the mage. "It'll keep both of them calm that way."
The mage nearly denied him the pin; she liked her belongings to stay her belongings. But when Auron restarted his crying, she whipped out a pin with a ruby gem and thrust it to Tidus.
"Hey, hey, Auron, look!" Tidus held the pin in front of the toddler. "Isn't it shiny?"
Stopping his wails so abruptly he hiccupped, Auron regarded the pin regally. Deciding that something was better than nothing, he snatched the pin. "Mwine!"
"Yeah, it's yours," Tidus nodded, adding under his breath, "For now, anyway."
An audible sigh of relief swept the room, and everyone found a seat. Cid returned Auron to Rin while he sat his daughter on his lap. Auron was enraptured by the ruby gem, and Rikku had no complaints against the boy (as long as he kept his grubby hands away from her stuff).
"Now what do we do?" Wakka inquired. "We've got two kids and no idea how."
"Black magic is the only plausible explanation," Lulu said, rearranging her hair piece to make up for the loss of the second. "Someone transformed Auron and Rikku into children with a spell. The only questions are: which spell, and why."
"Do you guys think," Tidus gulped, "we'll be next?"
Silence. Cid shuddered. "I hope not. Taking care of my daughter's one thing: I've already done that. I ain't takin' care of a mage, summoner, two blitzers, a Ronso, and a guardian along with the responsibility of Rikku."
"May I suggest we table the discussion for tomorrow?" Rin asked. "It's been a rather long day, and our thoughts will not come any faster at night."
"Two children sleep," Kimahri added.
True enough, Rikku had cuddled to her father and fallen asleep. Auron gripped the pin in both hands, but curled into a ball in Rin's lap.
The adults left the room to put the children to bed. After Cid tucked Rikku in, he left to search for the others. He caught them just as they were leaving, but his shout made them halt.
"What the ramm do you people think you're doing?" Cid growled, entering Auron's room (hell). Curious, Tidus reentered and searched the room. The child had been placed in the middle of the bed, and a night-light had been turned on to illuminate the room. Nothing created shadows the toddler might perceive as 'scary' or 'frightening.' All in all, Tidus thought they had done a wonderful job.
"What's the matter?" Tidus asked. "Nothing seems wrong."
"Do any of you know how to take care of children?" Cid asked furiously, picking up Auron. By the blank looks he received, Cid assumed none of them had experience. "You can't let a three-year old sleep in a bed like this without some sort of railing to keep him from falling. You and you," he pointed to Kimahri and Wakka, the strongest-seeming of the party, "move the bed against the wall; that'll be one railing. Rin, do you have anything to block the other side of the bed?"
Rin shook his head. "I have never had customers in danger of falling off the bed."
Cid sighed. "Then one of you has to sleep with Auron and make sure he doesn't fall."
Everyone stared at each other. Kimahri backed out of the room, saying, "Kimahri no like beds. Sleep outside." He left.
Lulu said, "It would be rather awkward for Yuna or I to sleep with Auron, in case he remembered later." Lulu left the room.
Yuna nodded furiously in agreement with the mage. "The best candidate is between you and Wakka, Tidus," she added, darting out as well.
Wakka and Tidus regarded each other warily. "I thought of the way to quiet him down," Tidus told the Besaidian. "You should stay."
"I moved the bed," Wakka retorted. "You should stay."
"Oh, for crying out loud!" Cid hissed, rocking the boy gently. "It's sleeping with a child! It's not like anyone's asking you to breast-feed the brat!"
Tidus shifted guiltily. Auron had cared for him as a child after his mother died. He had performed tasks no monk probably ever received training for, and he did them without complaint. Except for the time when Tidus accidentally let a Saint Bernard into the house, and that was to complain about the atrocious carpeting Jecht had picked.
Surely Tidus could do this one little thing for the old guardian. Right?
"I'll sleep here," he told Wakka. "But I'm not bathing him."
Wakka looked terrified at the prospect of a naked Auron, but he still left quickly.
"Here," Cid handed Auron to Tidus. "Be sure to sleep on the unprotected side. Keep him covered in a blanket, too; kids get cold easier."
"What if I crush him?" Tidus gulped. Rikku had seemed much more solid; Auron was like a fragile doll.
"Don't worry about it," Cid told him gruffly. "No one's ever crushed a kid while sleeping. Your main concern should be not falling off the bed yourself."
Cid took his own leave. Cautiously, Tidus laid Auron down on the bed once more and covered him. Gingerly he slipped onto the bed himself, easing his head onto the pillow.
He didn't sleep until late that night. In spite of Cid's assurances, Tidus feared rolling onto the boy and dreaming straight through the boy's pleading wails, only to wake up to a blue-faced child in the morning.
Will Auron be alive in the morning? Will Rikku like Auron better when he's nottrying to possessher stuff? Will everyone survive parenthood? Who knows? Oh, wait, that would be me...