Not an entirely humorous chapter, nor one centered around Auron, Rikku, or Tidus and crew. It was necessary, however, to set up for future chapters. If anything is too confusing, let me know and I'll try to answer as well as I can.

Chapter 10: Tantrum and Two New Uncles

Before finding Auron and Rikku, Clasko hadn't minded the thought of settling down. As long as the woman he married loved chocobos as much as he did (or could stand his devotion to the chocobos) and they raised their children on or near the chocobo ranch he would undoubtedly begin, Clasko had been open to the idea of children and a wife.

Now, while a wife still didn't sound terrible, he was rethinking the offspring aspect.

He had been having a wonderful dream about chocobos milling all around him and doing a fun little jig, and there had even been a funny-looking man with hair like a chocobo asking if he could use his chocobos to race at the Golden Saucer. Clasko had experienced some confusion at this last part, but before he could resolve the issue someone was shaking him awake, yelling, "Uncle Clasko Uncle Clasko Uncle Clasko!"

"What? Where? Chocobos?" Clasko sputtered awake, blinking rapidly. Rain was sprinkling into his eyes, blurring his vision. The chocobo was no longer underneath him, and Clasko rubbed his eyes frantically to clear his vision, stumbling to his feet.

When the sleep-grit was rubbed from his eyes, Clasko looked down. Rikku and Auron were at his feet, the former holding Auron's hand and tugging insistently at Clasko's shirt hem. The boy looked up imploringly, eyes huge with anxiety. Rikku was a mirror-image, though she was shifting from side to side in an absurd dance.

Clasko recognized that dance. He himself had been victim to it during his stint as a Chocobo Knight.

"I need to go to the potty, Clasko!" Rikku said with a hop. "Or else I'm gonna explode! And Auron needs his diaper changed!"

This proclamation led to the insanity that made Clasko reconsider his marital dreams. Rikku had been quite dismayed to find that, no, Clasko did not have an Al Bhed Portable-Poopy-Machine (as she claimed her father called it, though Clasko doubted any sensible adult would use such terminology for everyday usage) and that she would have to use a bush to relieve her bladder for the time being.

"No! I don't wanna use a bush!" Rikku cried. "That's icky and weird! Why can't we find a Poopy-Machine?"

Clasko sighed, deeply and heavily. How did one explain to a child with no conception of distance that actual civilization was quite a few miles away, and with it a toilet?

Auron wasn't helping matters along. He told both Clasko and Rikku that he needed changing. And if Clasko's ears weren't failing him, he swore there was pride in that little boy's voice.

Ducking his head with a groan, Clasko faced Rikku once more. "Rikku, please, just go behind a bush or something and pee. I need to help Auron."

Rikku fumed, stomping her foot. "Fine! Auron's always the one who gets all the attention! Oui pek zang!" (You big jerk!) Rikku stormed off to a concealing slab of stone, leaving Clasko confused and Auron subdued.

"Isth she mad at me?" Auron asked Clasko with a trembling lip.

"Ah, I think she's more mad at me than you," Clasko smiled worriedly. "Alright, er, let's see if we can't get you fixed up."

Having packed for only himself in mind, Clasko lacked much in the toddler-care department. His only solution, the rancher felt, was to give the boy an induction to potty-training.

Clasko shuddered. This was supposed to be a job for the boy's parents. Where could they have possibly gone, leaving these two children to fend for themselves? From what he had gathered of Rikku's hitched explanation yesterday, her Al Bhed guardian had lost her during an accident (most likely to do with machina, Clasko realized). This meant Rikku's guardian could possibly be somewhere in Home, unaware of how far his charge had gone astray.

Auron, however, had not indicated where his parents were. Given the tumultuous time this last year, Clasko suspected the parents had died in Sin's rampage. While Clasko pitied the boy, he also felt hope for the young one. He wouldn't have to grow up entirely in Sin's shadow, constantly living in fear of Sin's revival. Lady Yuna, bless her and her guardians, had seen to that.

His musings, as interesting as they were, would not help with either the boy or the girl. Particularly not the boy's potty needs. With a sigh, Clasko looked down at the boy, wondering where to begin. What had his parents done? Clasko had no idea.

Well, first comes first, Auron needs to get the dirty . . . diaper . . . off . . . . Eww. I'm going to have to take it off. Ugh, I guess this can't be any more disgusting than shoveling chocobo feces. With that in mind, Clasko put himself to task and helped Auron get rid of the soiled diaper.

"Alright, Auron," Clasko let the boy pull up his own pants, staying bent to the boy's level. "We're going to start potty-training you now, so that you don't have to rely on diapers so much. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Auron blinked at him. "Would Rikku not be mad at me if I did?"

Clasko took time to reply, startled. "Er, well, I guess."

The boy nodded slowly. "Okay. I'll trwiy, for Rikku."

Inwardly breathing a sigh of relief, Clasko stood. He looked around, searching for the girl. Where did she go? And where did the chocobo go?

"Ahh! Let go, you dumb bird!"

Clasko turned his head sharply, wincing and rubbing his neck as he audibly cricked it. The chocobo was trotting back to him and Auron, dragging Rikku by her collar in its beak.

"Rikku? What's going on?" Clasko asked, prying her free from the chocobo. Auron watched from afar, eyes shy but curious.

She glared up at him, the spirals in her eyes expanding with anger. "I was running away, since you like Auron so much better than me!"

Aghast, Clasko switched his gaze between her and Auron. "Rikku, I like you both equally! I don't want you to run away over a potty-incident—over anything—because you could get hurt or worse!"

"Hmpf!" Rikku folded her arms and twisted away, eyes closed.

"You should sthop acting wike such a child, Rikku."

Blinking, Clasko turned and searched, trying to find the one who spoke. The only person he could see in range was Auron . . . or the chocobo.

Just as he was about to focus his attention on the chocobo (just imagine the wonders of a talking chocobo! he thought excitedly) Auron approached Rikku, arms folded. There was a look in his eye that was far from young or naïve.

Rikku stood up and returned his hard gaze in kind, also seeming to age right before Clasko. "Quiet, you old meanie! You're just jealous 'cause I made a better kid than you ever could fantasize about!"

Utterly befuddled and feeling like he missed a major factor, Clasko could only watch with the chocobo as Auron stared down (or up, more accurately, as he was at least a good six inches shorter than Rikku) the older girl with nary a flinch. "I find adulthood far more sthimulating than childhood ever had."

Lifting a brow, Rikku swayed her hips mockingly. "Oooh, how wise! Don't think I can't see under all that. You're totally resentful of my youth!"

"What the heck's going on, here!" Clasko exploded, startling the chocobo and achieving the desired effect: stalling the growing argument between Rikku and Auron. "You two are sounding like adults! And using adult words! And—and—"

The two stared at Clasko. This mystified him even more; their gazes were those of innocent children, not the adults they had been acting as earlier. "Uncle Clasko, are you okay?" Rikku asked, apparently unmindful of the previous squabble. "You sound pretty mad."

"Isth Unky Clasko mad at me?" Auron's lower lip trembled.

Torn between who to address first, Clasko dug his hands into his hair. He nearly screamed his frustration when someone yelled before him. "'Ey!"

The trio and chocobo sought for the newcomer. A man with a large green bag slung over his shoulder, a blue vest, and an odd black hat jogged to them, waving a hand wildly.

The two children whimpered and hid behind the chocobo's legs, united in their common wariness of the new stranger (who hadn't saved them from any scary thunderstorms like their Uncle Clasko had). Clasko, on the other hand, recognized the man as the spirited merchant O'aka XXIII, who had very recently been released from imprisonment in Bevelle and also was researching in new trades and finding new employees to expand his empire.

Clasko didn't know whether to greet the man as reinforcement in babysitting the children or run far, far, far away.

"'Ello, Clasko!" O'aka greeted animatedly before Clasko could reach a decision, wiping his brow. "Good to see ye, mate. See ye caught a chocobo, there."

"Hello, O'aka," Clasko dipped his head, patting the chocobo's head lovingly. "Isn't she beautiful? She's going to be the first in my ranch—"

"'Ey!" O'aka interrupted, bending over and looking between Clasko's and the chocobo's legs. "Are those kids?"

Auron made a tiny noise of coyness, but Rikku crept out and peered up at O'aka. Then she smiled broadly and stuck out her hand. "Lady Rikku of the Al Bhed Knights, at your service! That's Auron, he's my squire! Do you know Uncle Clasko? He saved us!"

O'aka was taken aback for a moment, then returned her wide smile with one of his own. "Aye, that I do! Clasko here is second only to me in supporting the High Summoner!"

Rikku tilted her head, looking up between Clasko and O'aka. She wondered when people had begun calling her Uncle Braska a High Summoner, then decided that, in the end, everything was the same. She chose to ignore O'aka's comment and tugged at Clasko's shirt. "I'm hungry, Uncle Clasko. And I'll bet Auron's hungry, too, huh?" she turned back to the boy, who nodded vigorously.

O'aka lifted a brow at Clasko, plainly inquiring as to the familial reference. Clasko shrugged, and mouthed, 'later' to the man; he himself was a little confused as to when Rikku and Auron had agreed to call him 'Uncle.' He doubted O'aka would leave him now, since his curiosity about the children had been piqued.

Clasko wondered if O'aka knew anything about potty training.

"Wow," O'aka breathed as Clasko finished his tale of meeting the children. Auron and Rikku were currently busy riding the chocobo (whom Clasko retrieved from the waterside, patiently cajoling as the animal squawked at being taken from her water supply) around the camp, having eaten to their heart's content of Clasko's remaining food stuffs. "And so the chocobo got ye over the mountains and ye camped out here?"

"Yeah," Clasko nodded. "I guess they were so thankful, they decided I was a nice guy and started calling me 'Uncle.'"

"Ye got a good heart, that's for sure," O'aka agreed.

Clasko made a noise of assent, then ventured, "Hey, O'aka? Do you know anything about kids?"

"Me, know anything about kids? Sure I do! Raised me brother and sister up and all, and had lots of cousins to boot! Was the oldest one of 'em, that I was, and had to help the old O'aka clan in taking care of 'em all."

"So, you know how to potty train and everything?" Clasko sighed in relief; maybe having O'aka around wouldn't be too terrible.

"Er," O'aka scratched his head, face contorted in concentration. "Well, er, toddlers weren't exactly my forte, since me mam didn't want me handling the tikes, but I know some bit. We can hammer out the details as we go. Auron's not potty-trained, I take it?"

"No, he was still wearing a diaper when I found him," Clasko informed him. "And I don't have any diapers, either. I wasn't exactly expecting on finding children when I came out to the Thunder Plains."

"Mm, true that," O'aka agreed. "Well, if we find some old cloths, we can use that to line his pants. Hopefully that'll keep it from getting too soiled."

"And, be sure to keep this quiet from Rikku," Clasko whispered to O'aka, looking around to ensure that the children were out of earshot. They were still riding the chocobo contently, though the feathery animal seemed to have lost a few feathers to the children. "She got into a temper last time when I focused too much on Auron. She might see this as even more attention."

"Aye, that girls do," O'aka nodded. "I remember me sister always being upset whenever me or Wantz left her out. It's important to treat 'em both equal, so they don't resent one another. By the way, did they 'appen to mention who was so quick on the uptake to name their children after the guardians? Rikku's too old to have been named after Lady Yuna's guardian, but Auron could've been named from Braska's pilgrimage."

"My guess is Rikku is a popular Al Bhed name," Clasko shrugged. "At least, it'll be even more popular now. And I agree about Auron, though he doesn't seem to understand how special his namesake is."

"Eh, kids never really understand the larger cares in life," O'aka told the man. "They'll be even more carefree, now that Sin's gone and they don't have to worry about venturin' too far from home. So, ye headin' up to the Calm Lands with the tikes, then?"

"Yeah," Clasko nodded. "I just . . . I just know there's a place for a chocobo ranch up there."

"There's rumors floatin' around that they're building up a carnival in the Calm Lands," O'aka told the man. "I'm sure if they can do that, ye can start your ranch."

"Right!" Clasko pumped his fist. "And where are you going? Have you found a place to found your merchant empire?"

Hanging his head with a heavy sigh, O'aka shook his head. "Nah. Rin offered to sell me one of his Travel Agencies, but the price's too high for me right now. I gotta save up some before I can open up me shop."

Guilt nagged at Clasko as his brain betrayed him and came up with an idea. He tried to pretend it hadn't cropped up, that he was conveniently oblivious to his moment of genius, but watching as O'aka sat on the ground wretchedly made him give in to the thought. "How about we set up a joint shop? 'Clasko and O'aka's Chocobo Shop: We sell items, and deliver all across the globe.'"

"'Ey now!" O'aka perked, eyes bright with excitement. "That's a great idea! We could make millions! I can handle the item-end of the business, and you deal with shipping. We just need to find a place to establish your ranch, and then we can set up a building to the side for the business!"

As O'aka began to outline even grander plans and muttering different names under his breath, Clasko directed his attention inward. Now that he had planted the seed in O'aka's head, an effect much like tearing a band-aid off, Clasko could see the benefits. Raising chocobos would be a pricy enterprise, but an item-shop could help waylay the costs.

Clasko grinned. He started to like the sound of a Chocobo Item Shop.

"Alright, then, let's start heading north to the Calm Lands," Clasko rose, dusting the seat of his pants. "Before we start up the shop, though, we'll need to focus on getting the young ones home."

"Aye, that we should," O'aka nodded, but hesitantly asked, "Could we, eh, bypass Bevelle, though? Since they stuck me in prison, I've kinda had a distinct dislike for those Yevon-dogs."

Pursing his lips, Clasko thought. That meant the soonest they could make any contact with people would be the Calm Lands. There had been notices hung at every Travel Agency and even a few official religious buildings (which were quickly torn down by overzealous Yevonites) that stated the Macalania Travel Agency would be shut down for some renovation, including an anti-fiend shield to encourage customers to shop there. Skipping Bevelle meant the children would miss a huge opportunity to reunite with their family.

Of course, Clasko could understand O'aka's reluctance to be caught anywhere near Yevon's principal city. Being arrested for supporting High Summoner Yuna would turn anyone off from Yevon and everything affiliated with the religion.

Clasko hoped the families would understand their preference to avoid Bevelle. If not, then a little hedging wouldn't hurt. He would just need to impress on Rikku and Auron the importance of keeping their real starting point quiet.

"Okay," Clasko assured O'aka. "We'll leave Bevelle off our itinerary. Alright, you two!" Clasko shouted to the children, which signaled for the chocobo to trot over to the man. "We're going to leave now, for the north. I don't know if you picked it up, but this is O'aka. He's going to be traveling with us from now on, okay? If there's any trouble, and I'm not around, you go to him, okay?"

Rikku readily agreed with a bright smile and a, "Hi, Uncle O'aka!" but it took Auron a moment to nod his shy consent. Wondering at his timidity, Clasko put it aside and decided to let O'aka break the ice between he and the boy on his own. "Alright, let's go. I'm going to try to catch another chocobo on the way, so we don't have to keep walking and burdening the chocobo. Is that alright with you, O'aka?"

"It'd be a good start to our new business," O'aka agreed, then bit his lip. "'Ey, Clasko?"

"Yeah?"

"About the business . . . Ye sure it ought to be 'Clasko and O'aka's Incredible Chocobo Market'? How about 'O'aka and Clasko's Extraordinary Chocobo Superstore?'"

I haven't written O'aka before, and I am having an unnaturally hard time finding his dialogue on the Internet. I apologize for any butchering of his character.