Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or Radiohead's music

A/N: special thanks to DJ-DizzyD for reviewing almost every chapter lol (huggles) one more thing: my college just started it's winter term (we go by trimesters) so I'm back in my pastry labs, which are about seven hours a class, meaning I got to get my shit together and put all focus on that, updates for fics won't be coming in so often, so anyone out there waiting for the next chapter, I'm really sorry, but you'll have to bear with me and wait a lil longer, I gots to graduate after all…and I don't wanna fail either lol thanks for reviewing btw!

Chapter Seven

Backdrifting

He didn't remember the drive home, how he ended up in the shower, or what exactly he may have said to Sam before bolting out of the auditorium. What mattered was that Kurt didn't know he'd been watching him. He could trust Sam enough to keep quiet right?

The almost scalding hot shower beating over him was doing nothing to ease his mind.

He couldn't say it out loud to himself in the privacy of the bathroom with the shower cranked up. He didn't want to think about it, but it was forcing itself to get his attention whether he liked it or not.

He pressed his forehead against the cool tiled wall, beads of hot water sliding over his face. This went against everything he thought he was. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't curious, but for things to go this far…for him to actually have feelings for…for another guy…for Kurt of all people…

He didn't know who he was anymore.

He liked Kurt.

He liked Kurt.

Finn shut his eyes. Strangely, it wasn't that he was crushing on his 'almost brother' that freaked him out, it was that it happened so freaking quickly.

With Quinn, Rachel, and Santana, he instantly found them attractive. They flirted with him, made him feel special. Well, Rachel had at least. Santana and Quinn kind of made him feel like a tool. The point was they made an effort to get his attention.

Kurt had done the same thing, but that blew up in his face. Finn wasn't interested in him. At the time at least. The guy had to be turned down several times before he finally backed down. For a while they had an awkward kind of brotherly friendship, one that Finn was completely happy with, at least now Kurt wouldn't try getting in his pants.

But then Kurt had to go and sing rock songs, dry hump mic stands, and fuck him in his dreams.

If Finn had seen Puck do what Kurt had done, he knew he'd laugh it off and get on with his life, because Puck was like that, a bad boy rocker with a libido that rivaled his huge ego. Kurt was the flamboyant pop star who would cringe at the thought of humping anything for fear of ruining his expensive clothes.

That's why when he first sang that Powerman 5000 song, Finn was completely blown away. It reminded him that Kurt was a guy, and he could be really masculine when he wanted to be. To make everything worse, he was unaware of what it was doing to Finn.

What took Rachel a good deal of her time, took a few songs for Kurt to capture Finn's attention. It was all completely effortless and unconsciously played out!

He hated him. He hated him for making him look at him more than need be, to have him constantly on his mind, for making his stomach imitate acrobats whenever he sang in his soft breathy oh so sultry timber. If Kurt hadn't suddenly gotten into rock, Finn wouldn't have this problem, he would have continued ignoring him, he would still have Rachel on his mind, wishing like some poor animal in heat that she would let him have his way with her.

And worst of all, when he just started realizing these horrible things, Sam found out too. The blond bastard! What the hell was he doing at the auditorium anyway!

And speaking of which, why wasn't Rachel in the auditorium like she said? Did she leave because Kurt was there, or did she lie to him and go somewhere else?

Why would she lie to him?

Finn pulled away from the wall, a red mark now on his forehead. This shower wasn't helping him, what he needed was a snack, and then perhaps crawl under his bed and cry like a baby.

…

Realizing his feelings for another guy was harsh enough, but what added salt to the wound was the fact that he lived with said guy, and he was currently sitting across him at the dinner table, their parents at either end.

To say the situation was awkward was an understatement.

The trouble with becoming aware with one's feelings was that whenever the crush was present, everything was one hundred times harder to control.

Kurt, of course, had no idea what was going on with his 'almost brother' and ate his dinner like he would every other night. Finn kept his gaze firmly on his plate of chicken, vegetables, and mashed potatoes. He was so nervous his hands were trembling and he couldn't taste the food which was usually so flavorful and comforting.

Burt and Carole were busily exchanging stories of the day's events, so they thankfully didn't notice Finn's lack of gusto over his meal. Kurt, unfortunately, finally did.

Finn jolted in surprise when a foot jabbed sharply at his shin. Their parents didn't notice. He swished his fork in his mashed potatoes contemplatively. If he looked up now, his face would be redder than a cherry, and Kurt would probably figure everything out right there and then. If he didn't look up, Kurt would keep kicking him and eventually pull up crazy accusations of things that didn't make sense.

He didn't mind Kurt kicking him…

No! Why did his thoughts lie on Kurt dominating him? It would make more sense if he were the dominating one!

…Damn it!

A sharper kick came at him again. He had to look up. At one point their parents would notice the weird thumping and, he just didn't favor the idea of Kurt bothering him after dinner. He looked up.

Kurt was frowning at him shaking his head as if to say 'what the hell's wrong with you?'

He tried to shrug it off. Maybe even throw in a lopsided 'nothing's wrong, leave me alone' smile, but it was like he forgot how to control his body. After not looking at Kurt up close in forever, he'd forgotten how bright the other boy's eyes were. How they transcended in blues and greens, the unspoken emotions that were dying to spill out. That pride and self assuredness…

Kurt squirmed under his stare and eventually looked away, confused. Finn shook his head, realizing what he'd done, and blushingly returned to his plate.

Somehow the food managed to look even less appetizing.

…

After the little exchange at dinner Kurt didn't bother Finn anymore, which was fine because the Frankenteen wasn't sure what he'd do if he did. It didn't stop the diva from giving him odd looks though, especially over breakfast before finally giving up and leaving early for school. Finn made sure to wait at least ten minutes after he heard Kurt's car drive off before he left too.

He was halfway to school when he realized something was missing. He forgot to pick up his beautiful-wonderful-she-shouldn't-be-with-me girlfriend.

After speeding all the way back, miraculously getting to her house without getting pulled over by the cops, he found her standing by her front door looking at her watch. The weather was getting colder, and she was hugging herself in her sweater. He felt like the lowest piece of scum the world had to offer.

She all but ran to his car, sighing in delight at the welcoming warmth when she plopped herself in the passenger seat and shut the door beside her.

"I'm so sorry – "

"It's okay, I wasn't waiting outside for long," she said distractedly as she readjusted her hair.

"But…" he felt terrible. This was the first time he forgot about Rachel. If he told her he almost went to school without her she'd flip the shit. Then again…

Rachel smiled at him and patted his hand. She didn't seem as upset as he thought she would be. He expected a full on lecture as soon as she got in the car, but she was brushing it off. Was this really Rachel?

And what about yesterday? She just vanished like that.

He really wanted to ask her about that, but after she explicitly told him she wanted to be alone, he didn't want to upset her by telling her he went after her. Besides, whatever she did yesterday, it must have made her get over whatever was troubling her, she was all smiles now.

That smile. It no longer had the same affect on him as it used to.

He bit the corner of his lip. He didn't want to lose her. He didn't want to be crushing on Kurt. He wanted his life back, the happiness of being with Rachel, all the fantasies, her touch, her smile. He wanted those feelings to return, to remind him that he was in love with her. Only her.

He pulled her into a kiss. Their lips mashed against one another, sucking and nipping, tongues exploring lovingly, tenderly, desperately. He'd almost forgotten how it was like to really kiss Rachel. Her soft plump lips hungrily sliding against his, their tongues caught in a duet.

He wanted to show her how much he loved her. He really did, but somewhere in the middle of the kiss he felt like he was kissing someone else. Rachel was kissing him differently. She was rougher, clutching the back of his head in a tight grip, teeth digging thirstily at his bruising lips.

Suddenly he wasn't kissing Rachel. He was kissing someone with raw passion, someone with short neatly combed hair, expensive clothes and baby soft skin. Someone with all the pent up desires he wished he didn't have.

His hand traveled up her chest and felt something large and round. At the same time a small hand palmed against his chest.

That was a boob. He was kissing Rachel.

Both broke apart in surprise. They stared at each other with wide eyes as if for the first time realizing who exactly the other was.

"U-um…" Rachel swallowed and licked her bruised lips. "We're going to be late for class."

"Right, um…yeah," he clumsily started the car and pulled out to the street.

…

He was disoriented, and the music on Kurt's iPod wasn't helping any. After the wet dream thing he discovered that Kurt had accidentally slipped a few modern songs in the device. It was a small handful, and they were a nice break from the vast jazz/swing music Finn was constantly listening to, so he didn't complain to Kurt about the slip. Considering his current situation, he didn't have the balls to anyway.

Damn he was the worst boyfriend in the world. Having a crush on his 'almost brother' and then thinking about him while kissing his girlfriend. Who the fuck does that?

It was Rachel's fault for kissing him so strangely…

Finn glanced at his girlfriend as they walked down the halls toward class. She was clutching her books and his hands were in his pockets. It was the first time they weren't holding hands. That was a bad sign right? Did she notice him kissing her differently too?

It was like they were strangers.

"We're rotten fruit; we're damaged goods; what the hell we've got nothing more to lose."

Finn had to look at the name of the song in the iPod to know that it was a Radiohead song. He didn't know they were still singing, the only song he could think of from them being High and Dry. It was strange for Kurt to listen to such a weird band. Strange, but so like him.

He needed to stop thinking about him.

"I'm hanging off a branch; I'm teetering on the brink."

A slender hand squeezed his arm. He turned to his girlfriend who gave him a small smile and left for the classroom beside her. He was alone.

The hallway seemed longer than it really was. The crowd of students more suffocating than they really were. His legs felt like lead. He felt hot and cold at the same time.

"I'm backsliding."

Even through the music booming in his ears, and the loud chatter of passing students, he could hear the heavy thumps of his sneakers leading him down the hall.

He couldn't get it out of his mind. It was really starting to sink in. That kiss proved it. He…he was…he really was…

He didn't feel so good. Everything was spinning. He couldn't trust himself to walk any further. He shouldn't have had breakfast; it felt like it was trying to climb back up his throat.

"Finn…"

That light, breathy voice. No. He couldn't talk to him. He couldn't look at him. There was a chill going up the back of his scalp, he needed to sit down, he needed to take a few breaths, not freak out, find the logic in this…this fucking madness, and figure out how to deal with it.

"But your footsteps give you away; so you're backtracking."

Kurt blocked his path, handing him a paper with something he couldn't understand scribbled on it. Were they songs for glee? He was saying something, but he wasn't listening, too lost in the way his soft lips moved, the pink tongue elegantly annunciating words behind pearly white and impeccably straight teeth. He had imagined them pressed against his lips when he kissed Rachel, how would they feel in reality?

His chest clenched. His stomach flipped. His heart was banging so loud it was threatening to overcome Radiohead. He felt dizzy. The world was tilting.

He was in love with Kurt.

He was in love with Kurt Hummel.

Finn proceeded to do the lamest most embarrassing thing anyone could ever do.

He fainted.

TBC