A.N: Thankfully this wasn't too late, finally cranked it out lol. Hope you enjoy it.

My Enemies Aren't The Ones I Fear

Chapter Two

I hate to say it, but I miss the jungle. Everything was just so simple there. It was either sunny or it rained, it always smelled clean and fresh, and it was always secret and mysterious. New York on the other hand was totally different. The weather never seemed to make up its mind, it stank of pollution and death, and it was never quiet, always deafening, overpowering. The jungle didn't have Raph either.

Don't get me wrong, I missed Raph especially, but everything's become so complicated with him. When I was in the jungle, I had nothing but my own thoughts, my memories. Raphael only did what I remembered, what he'd already done. Now I'm at home again, and he does nothing how I remembered. He's so unpredictable.

Things have been hard lately. It's my own fault for staying away longer than I meant to. It's just, in the jungle, I could be Leonardo, I could be me. And yet at home, I have to be the Fearless Leader. Does that make sense to you? It's like before I went away, my whole life was a stage, and I was only an actor. I had my interval, and now it's time to go back to the play.

Raph would probably laugh at me if he heard me talking like this. We're so different, and yet we're also very alike. That sounds crazy I know. I don't get it myself. A lot of the time he just makes me feel so angry and frustrated, and at other times he makes me feel extremely proud and protected, even loved. Those are the times when I feel the most confused, because Raphael is my brother.

I know incest is wrong, I know it would ruin our family, but I just can't stop thinking about him. How he looked when they rescued me, how he helped me stand when it was all over, how he took care of my scalded hand and, oh god, how he kissed me and touched me last night. What the shell am I doing? This is wrong, wrong, wrong! Good leaders don't fall in love with their brothers!

Oh god I can just hear Master Splinter's voice. Leonardo, you have disgraced and disgusted this family. I can see Mike and Donny's horrified faces. I can see April and Casey casting me out. People used to get murdered for falling in love with their siblings for crying out loud! Has he not read Tis Pity She's a Whore or even Hamlet? It's bad for a reason!

I need to find Raph right now and demand this stops, whatever this is. What on earth possessed him to do that last night? Well, yes, it was very enjoyable but that's not the point! Surely he's thought about this? He's not stupid when it comes to his feelings. Granted, he doesn't openly show them, but he knows the deal when it comes to matters of the heart. That's one of the reasons I love him so in fact.

Or, I would go tell him if I didn't feel so tired and achy. Damn it all! I've put up with broken bones, serious burns and pouring wounds and yet a bit of tranquillising fluid renders me almost useless. I've never felt this exhausted before. Forget the final battle with the Shredder and Karai piercing me in the ribs, this is it.

I stretched out the kinks, wincing slightly as a few bruises pulled, then folded my arms behind my head. It was still early morning and my bed was so comfortable and warm I didn't feel like doing anything at all but stay there all day. However, you take one day off then it turns into two, then three, and so on. I think I've had enough days off for a lifetime.

I know staying in the jungle for a year over my original six month training period was the worst thing I've ever done. If I'd have returned home when I should have, none of this mess would have happened. It's my fault. It's my fault Donny is so exhausted and overworked all the time. It's my fault Mikey doesn't feel comfortable around his brothers anymore. And it's my fault Raph has become so alone and hateful. I don't mean this in a bigheaded way but I'm the glue holding this family together. Without me, Don would work himself into an early grave, Mike would smile so much he'd forget how to feel, and Raph, Raph would just...vanish.

And I knew this, yet I still didn't come home. I just couldn't. Of course I missed my family. It was like a permanent ache in my heart. It would hurt a little more when I thought about Raphael, but that soon faded, and I was grateful for it. I didn't want to think about him.

I was on a training mission to become a better leader. I couldn't be distracted by incestuous thoughts about him. I think that was one of the reasons why I stayed past the six months. If I went back, those thoughts would come back with a vengeance and slap me in the face. If I stayed where I was, I could stay in my own little world and try to forget all about those feelings.

I began to lose track of time. It was just the same day over and over again. All I had to think about was myself. I feel guilty about it, because it almost felt good. I kind of forgot how to worry, I was so overwhelmed by my freedom. I soon came back to earth when April found me.

I don't know why I revealed myself to our old friend, I could have so easily lost her. I think a part of me I tried to ignore knew I had gone too far and it was time to accept my responsibilities once more. I didn't know whether to be excited, or miserable.

Despite my mixed feelings, I did tell April the truth. There was something missing, something I hadn't quite figured out. And now I've lost my chance. I will never have another opportunity like that again, and that fills me with regret, because I'll never find that missing piece. It's lost in the jungle somewhere, whatever it was.

April is the only person who knows I didn't fully complete my mission. I tried explaining it to Master Splinter but he didn't quite understand me. He didn't understand that I felt like a failure for losing this piece of me and not finding it. I can't bring myself to tell any of my brothers, especially not Raphael. I think he'd probably laugh.

But then again, I'm not so sure anymore, especially after last night. He is so unpredictable. He confuses me so much. I thought he truly hated me. What other impression could I get after everything that happened? And then he kisses me so tenderly it throws all logical thought out of the window.

He didn't explain himself. He left before I could say anything, leaving me stunned with bruised lips and no answers. I know his game, I wasn't forced to study strategy for hours for nothing. He knows I need answers, so I will come back for more to find them. He's partially right, I do need answers, but I have my own ways of getting them.

And I guess I have answers for him too. If he wants them is another question entirely. Raph is not a let's-talk-about-our-feelings person, he likes to live in the moment. Me? I don't really like to sit around and talk about my feelings either, but I do like explanations. I like to know reasons and logic, why this happened, how he came to these conclusions. And Raph knows this, which is why he gave me nothing but thrills last night.

I admit I'm curious. I said some awful things to him, gave the impression I loathed him just as much as I thought he did me. Of course most of it was all lies, certainly the part I regret most. I am not better than Raphael.

Of course there are areas in which I excel and he lags behind and vice versa. I don't know why I said it. I was scared, and angry, and lonely. I thought that if I relented, and agreed with him, let him bring me down, I would lose myself even more. And if I lost myself, I'd be further away from him that I already was. He wouldn't be interested in the fight any longer if I conceded defeat.

I want to tell him this, I want to tell him how sorry I was. Something tells me he already knows, or doesn't care, otherwise I don't think he'd have kissed me. I don't know. It's so complicated. Would he even listen to me? He's such a physical person, whereas I'm probably neither physical nor emotional. Or perhaps I'm a mixture of both. I'm not too sure.

I rolled over onto my side, suddenly feeling a strong ache for the jungle and freedom I missed. I'd come home and Master Splinter almost treated me as if I'd never left. The moment I returned leadership was dumped back onto my sun-worn shoulders, nearly dragging me to the floor with the weight I'd very nearly forgotten. I'm not sure if I was thankful for that or not.

It was certainly a shock to my system, becoming responsible for three others once more literally overnight. I wasn't sure if I was ready, and I still don't. I shouldn't second guess Sensei like that, but I often think his faith in me is misplaced. How often have I been lectured for coming up short? And yet I'm still leader. I must be doing something right. Either that or Sensei believes only I have the temperament and will for such a task. That seems more likely.

I suppose I am the only true ninja among us. I'm the only one who would gladly sink into the shadows, unknown to the world. I think if it wasn't for my family, I probably would. However I need my family so very much. Master Splinter knows the thought if losing them is my one true fear. If I didn't have a family, I would become one of the real ninjas I have heard so much about.

But I do have a family and I would do anything for them. I just don't know how long I can continue supporting them so unselfishly like I am. I don't feel as strong as everyone thinks I am, certainly not since I returned home.

In the jungle, I could be that ninja. I could be my own boss, existing in those shadows as an unknown legend to the people of the village. I was so mysterious they named me a ghost. Here I'm a different ghost, one who is slowly collapsing under the weight of responsibility and the weight of an incestuous heart.

I miss the sun and the heat. My skin is slowly starting to lose its colour and hard leathery texture now I'm back in the darkness. Quite ironic really, almost hypocritical of me. I say I love the shadows, yet I also love that sun, because it was a different sun, it wasn't forbidden, not in the jungle where the vast foliage hid your every move.

I reached forwards in the blackness with my scalded, bandaged hand and quietly took the cold medallion from the box that served as my bedside table. I twisted it between it between my equally cold fingers, caressing every groove and curve. The metal made my hands smell. I didn't put it down though, staring beyond my bare, cracked wall.

Mikey needs people like he needs oxygen. Donny is too in love with science. And Raph? Raph is raw, passionate, erratic, even dangerous. He's everything I'm not, yet at the same time he and I are quite alike. But my point is, none of them could live like I do, because they can't change who they are, and because they don't know the full extent of it. I think Raph does, just a little, but not enough.

It's complicated. I don't like thinking about it because it doesn't always leave me in the best of moods. I sometimes hate leadership, and I hate myself for hating it. There's hate from me, hate from Raph, it's all hate. I can't get away from it.

And now I'm wondering if it is al hate from Raph. You don't kiss people you hate. Not unless you are seriously crazy. I mean, I wouldn't kiss Karai. Well, I probably wouldn't kiss her if I didn't hate her either but you get my point. I'm so damn confused.

Would he be up at this hour? I don't even know what day it is. Probably Friday, the morning after. It seems so long ago, let alone a few hours. It seems like the Winters thing happened years ago, and it's a decade since I've been in South America. Who would have thought a couple of kisses, a couple of hot, breathtaking, unbelievable kisses, would have thrown all time and logic out of balance?

I groaned and rolled over onto my shell. I don't usually like this position because I always have this stupid fear I'm not going to get back up again, like normal turtles, but at this moment in time, I don't really care. It doesn't look like I'm going to get any sleep anyway no matter how tired I feel.

I held the medallion before my eyes, just a warm shape in the darkness. My fingers were still cold. I gripped it tight. I don't even understand why Sensei had given it to me. Don had been the temporary leader. Mike had been trying so hard to keep this family together. Raph was the one who...became an antisocial bitchy vigilante. But he came through in the end. Why didn't one of them get the medallion? I don't understand.

Goddamn it all! I tossed the metal disk across the room, wincing at the loud thuds and clangs it made as it collided with the wall. I closed my eyes, aware my breathing was becoming harsh. I just want to sleep but I just can't stop thinking about all these things, and Raph.

It's just so wrong but I just can't help it. I tell myself not to do it, but I end up doing it more. I know it's not lust, because I don't do lust. At least, I try not to. There are times I crumble of course, but this isn't like that. This is just so different, and so new. It's hard to explain.

Let me put it into context. I was the one April came to about Casey, right? Not Master Splinter, or Donny, or even one of her own girlfriends. Me. And she told me that Casey had kissed her, and that she had enjoyed it, and he was all she could think about, and, despite all his faults, she could really see spending the rest of her life with him. And that is sort of how I feel for Raph.

Crazy and sick. I know.

I've tried consoling myself with the fact that we might not be blood-related, but it doesn't seem to work. That's because we've been raised as brothers, as a family. And real brothers don't go falling in love with each other. Incest, a game for all the family! Ew.

I sighed and rolled back over onto my side, cursing the squealing springs. My burnt hand was a bit sore still. I can't believe I was so silly to spill boiling water onto my hand but I was just so nervous. I was afraid of what Raph would say or do. I thought he still resented me.

In the morning, well, at a more reasonable time in the morning, I'll talk to him. As much as I want it, nothing like last night can ever happen again. I'm the leader for a reason, and I will not jeopardise this family over my screwed up feelings. Any relationship I start with Raphael will hurt Mike and Don, and I can't let that happen. Besides, we'll probably get hurt in the long run too. Because incest is a sin, and it's a sin for a reason.

Now I'd made up some sort of a plan, I felt ready to sleep. I feel like I could sleep until Easter, two years from now. Not going to happen. Sensei likes us up about six, ready for practice at seven, so I have time for a couple of hours' nap then it'll be back to business.

I don't know how long I slept for. I woke to the feeling of someone shyly touching my cheek, hesitantly as if I might be snatched away. For a fleeting hopeful second I thought it was Raph and I hurriedly opened my eyes, eager to find a tender look easing his features.

Instead it was Mikey, and I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed. He grinned sheepishly, as if he thought my abrupt awakening was a result of discomfort from his touch. I smiled in return, just to show it wasn't.

"Sorry bro, I was just...makin' sure you were still here," He offered feebly, still wearing that grin that made me wonder, especially when it faltered just a little.

Now there's nothing weird going on (I'd like to keep Karai as far from my mind as possible at the moment) it's time for me to truly sort this family out. I need to get Donny to lay off his work for a while and rest. I need to get Raph back into the family, and I also need to get Mike to stop hiding behind these wide grins, otherwise we're gonna lose him.

"I'm not going anywhere Mike, don't you worry about that," I reassured firmly, pulling myself into a sitting position with a quiet groan.

"Yeah, I felt like that too, even my aches had aches," He chuckled lightly, almost shyly. Then he held out his hand, offering me a steaming mug. "I bought you tea,"

I accepted it gratefully, cupping the hot porcelain between my cold hands. Mikey made good tea. Well, he makes pretty much good everything when it comes to food and drink. Tea, on the other hand, is a miracle drink. One sip and it's so calming it makes everything feel better. That and hot chocolate. Coffee just isn't the same. The bickering Donny and I get into over tea and coffee is just silly.

Silently, I pulled aside the bed sheets and shifted over, patting the now empty space beside me. Mike didn't need to be asked twice. He clambered into bed beside me, pulling the covers up tight. He leant against me and we sat soundlessly for a while, save for me blowing my tea cool.

"Is everyone else up?" I wondered as my brother yawned widely.

"I think so. Raph came and had breakfast an hour ago then disappeared again so he's probably gone back to bed," Mike shrugged, his voice clearly demonstrating he too wanted to go back to sleep.

"Resting for an evening as the Nightwatcher," I sighed dully, running a finger listlessly around the rim of my mug. To my surprise, Mike shook his head.

"Dude, he gave that up last night, Splinter has his helmet," He explained gently.

I frowned thoughtfully. He gave it up? But Raph must have loved the Nightwatcher. He was a lone wolf just like he'd always wanted. There was no one pulling him down or telling him what to do. He was his own leader.

"I don't understand," I murmured finally.

"You and me both bro! Geez, he is one confusing turtle!" My brother sighed sleepily, lazily closing his eyes.

We sat in silence again, until Mike dozed off and I finished my tea. I need answers. It's just a craving deep down inside of me I can't overlook until I have all the responses and can mull things over from every angle. I know I said I had different ways of solving the situation without going straight to him, but this is an entirely dissimilar matter.

Quietly and carefully I dragged myself out of bed, cautious not to disturb my peaceful baby brother. I felt better after that cup of tea. I left my room as soundlessly as possible and padded the short route across the walkway. Somehow, it seemed an age before I reached his door.

Now it came to it I felt nervous. What was I supposed to say to him? My business was about the Nightwatcher, not him. However this would be so much simpler if we hadn't made out all last night. Would things be awkward? Would he even want to talk to me? Maybe all that last night was just another way to vent out his feelings?

Well, I was here now, no turning back. Not unless I wanted Donny fussing and Sensei patronising, which I don't, not today. Today I need a break. I know I had a long enough in the jungle, but they've certainly made up for it since I've been back. I mean, don't get me wrong, I really love Donny and I know he's only fussing because he cares about me, but Sensei gets...frustrating, at the best of times.

Raph's room was quiet, but I didn't think he was asleep. He's probably brooding over a lot of things yet trying not to. He does that a lot. Or he used to. I'm not so sure anymore. I wish there was something about him I was sure about, his feelings for one.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door loudly, anxiously. I opened it before he could answer, stepping into his sanctuary and closing it behind me, leaning against it and looking around. I hadn't been in here since I left.

It hadn't changed much. There were dumbbells and old magazines still strewn across the chilly stone floor and the trashed-looking musicians still glared at me from their posters tacked to the dirty bricks. It still smelt the same too, a slight hint of musk and sweat, and I almost closed my eyes.

Raph himself was sprawled out across his bed, Kerrang magazine open across his lap. It looked odd seeing him read. He wore earphones instead of playing his cd player, a rare moment of care and consideration. He watched me nonchalantly for a few seconds then slipped off the headphones.

"You should be in bed," He said again. He told me that last night. Doesn't he have anything better to say to me?

"Is that an offer?" The words left my lips before I even had a chance to think about what I was saying.

He stared and blinked, then laughed outright. It was a sound I'd missed so much and I could have listened to it for hours if I didn't feel so embarrassed. What on earth possessed me to say it? I just...I saw him laid like that, careless, cocky, and it just triggered something within me.

"Not unless you want it, no," He chuckled at the heat rushing to my cheeks and I avoided his eyes.

"I...didn't mean to say that," I murmured eventually, looking to the left of me at some of the posters.

"Sure ya didn't, Fearless," I could hear the smirk in his voice and knew he didn't believe me. I suddenly felt extremely self-conscious.

"I wanted to...ask you something," I began lamely, hooking my hands into my belt for lack of something better to do with them.

"Oh?" Raph raised a cocky eyebrow and I felt that something within me flutter unexpectedly.

"Yeah. Um...Mike told me about what you did last night, with the Nightwatcher and everything," I went on, feeling as awkward and shy as I sounded.

"No big deal," He shrugged carelessly, returning to his magazine listlessly.

Nervously, I perched on the corner of his bed, near his feet. Neither of us said anything for a while. I heard pages turning every so often and it gave me the opportunity to compose myself, as I was starting to feel tired once more.

"I thought you would have loved the Nightwatcher," I mumbled finally to the floor.

"Let me tell you somethin' Leo," He replied calmly, sitting up properly and tossing his magazine to the side. I glanced up, but his solemn look made me face my feet again. "I don't fall in love wi' anyone or anything, 'cause it just bites yo' in the ass," He explained softly, as if breaking bad news, and he sort of was.

"I thought you loved April," I frowned, my own voice just as quiet, but because of fear, confusion.

"Don loved April," He corrected firmly, swinging his legs over to sit beside me now. "He was the first to realise how pointless it is," He finished bitterly.

"He never told me this," I murmured, puzzled and slightly offended. Donny used to tell me everything, even if I didn't want to know it.

"You weren't here to hear it,"

His reply hurt and I turned my head away incase he saw. I know I screwed up, why does he have to keep reminding me? I just couldn't tell him why I stayed away so long. He wouldn't understand. He thinks I've failed too much as it is. The accusation stung deep, as if he'd said it with his sai and not his words.

"Why do you keep hurting me?" I demanded in a whisper. I wanted my voice to sound strong like his, but it just came out tired and meek.

I expected him to snap back some harsh and hateful comment, but he didn't say anything. I could feel his eyes on me but I didn't give him the satisfaction of looking up. I felt too weak, too weary.

It was a few seconds before I felt his hand creep its way onto my throat, stroking my flesh and making me shiver before grabbing my bandana tails and forcing my head back.

It was another minute before I realised what was happening. His bed was soft and warm from where he had laid. I was cold and shy, he was hot and heavy, leading the kisses the way he wanted them, twisting me to his will. His mouth was forceful and demanding, and I liked it as much as he did, if not more.

He pulled away suddenly, surprisingly tactful, leaving me gasping and wanting. I panted as quietly as I could, trying to ignore his smirk. But the smugness radiated from him like heat, pressing and raw. Hyper-aware from surprise and excitement, I felt him flip my bandana tails back over my shoulder, lingering teasingly on my skin before I saw him out of the corner of my eyes. My lips were swollen.

He let his hand fall.

"It's that love thing again, ain't it?" He answered my question with one of his own, egotistical and cocky.

He'd left me alone in his room before I knew it. It was silent now, and cold, as if he'd taken all the warmth with him. I clutched at my arms, seeking the warmth I couldn't give myself. I felt more confused than I'd ever felt before.

How is it that nearly every time I try to sort something out, it ends up turning out worse than it started? I go to sort out this Nightwatcher business and I end up with another situation on my hands. God I'll be needing another break if this keeps up.

What the shell was that supposed to mean anyway? What love thing? What's he talking about? The only thing he mentioned about love is that it bites you in the ass. But that just doesn't make sense? How is that relevant? It's not like I was saying he was in love with the Nightwatcher, because that's silly. I meant like the lifestyle, he loved the lifestyle. Unless I was the one who misunderstood, maybe he meant loving his life as the Nightwatcher would eventually lead to bad things. Which it will, in all fairness, but Raph's never been that philosophical about these things, he's not me.

And what did he mean by referring to it after I asked why he hurts me? Surely he's not implying that love is biting my ass? That just seems like Raph's pessimistic outlook on everything. I mean, don't think this is even love, just a...an infatuation, a moment of desperation surely. He can't mean that he's hurting me because he thinks I'm in love with him. Or, does he love me?

Oh God.

I don't understand. This is all just so overwhelming, bizarre. It's happening so quickly I'm finding it hard to grasp all the facts before they slip out of my reach. Why can't he just be straightforward? Honestly, it would save so much trouble, save all this frustrated thinking.

Master Splinter often says a good warrior is not someone who suffers through his battles alone, but someone who knows when to call upon the help of others and does so. I want to be a good warrior, a good leader, but who am I supposed to turn to about this?

I want to obey my master, I need to in fact, but I just can't. I must disobey to obey. Surely if I expressed my worries and feelings for Raphael, I will no longer be a part of the Hamato clan. I learnt long ago I mustn't keep my troubles to myself, because it makes you sick and unhappy, but this is one I'm afraid I shall have to keep to myself Sensei, I'm sorry.

I'm not exactly sure how long I stayed there, curled up on my brother's bed. I seized the sheets tight, breathing in his scent, so different to the jungle sweat. I fell asleep after a while, worn out from all the worrying and brooding. It hadn't been long since I woke up. I can't go on like this. I'll never be a good leader.

A.N: I really hope you enjoyed that lol. Ah don't cha just love the tension? Lol please review, they keep me going! No guarantee when the next update will come as I haven't started writing it yet and I have Impetus to finish. So have a good Christmas. Love you!