A.N: God I am such a bad author. I remember the days when I could update bang on the dot every Thursday evening. My how times have changed. I am so sorry everyone, I am painfully aware this hasn't been updated in so long and I'm honestly kicking myself about it. The worst thing is I can't tell you when it will be updated again either. I'm hoping soon because I'm finally getting to the interesting bits so I'll find the energy to write. Also, I don't have Microsoft Word anymore, and instead have to type this up on Wordpad. Gah I feel so n00bish. I apologise for any mistakes you may find, I'll try my hardest to draft and draft. Thank you for sticking with me after so long, and I hope this is worth the wait.
Disclaimer: I do not own, pleasure purposes only.
My Enemies Aren't the Ones I Fear
Chapter Five
Raphael's POV
He got his ass handed to him nice and sore the next morning for having a hangover. Me? I got a couple of stern words and nothing else. It was no different to how it normally was. 'Cept this time, Leo didn't seem to care. Of course, he pretended he was sorry to Splinter, but I knew he wasn't, deep down. I'd shown him the underworld, and he loved it.
We've only gone out together twice more since that night. Something in him was still frightened I think. Not of Splinter anymore, probably because he hadn't forbid our outings, not yet anyways. He disapproved, especially when Leo came home smashed. Funny, I never got told off for it, even though it's me who pushes him for another drink, Not my fault he's such a lightweight.
Nah, it's not Splinter he's frightened of. I think it's us. It used to be Splinter, but since we started this little game that fear's kinda been displaced. He doesn't seem to emerge from Splinter's room like someone had died anymore. And before, it was hard to notice, but I always saw the tiniest of flinches whenever Sensei would call his name. There's none of that now, just a sort of passiveness. Dunno which is worse to be honest.
At least before there was that respect. That seems to have gone now. Don't get me wrong, it's still Splinter says this and Splinter does that, but the drive seems to have died out. It's fucking weird. I reckon everyone's noticed, but no one quite knows what to do about it. What can they do? It's Leo's problem.
It's hard going at his pace. It takes him ages to respond to an embrace or a kiss. He's scared. Unless he's pissed. Then he doesn't have a care in the world. When he's stone cold sober though, he's terrified. But he loves it, and that's what gets him the most. It makes me laugh, but at the same time, it's seriously pissing me off. A guy can only have so much patience.
I'll wait, God knows I'll fucking wait even if it kills me. But I'm so damn frustrated. There's been nothing other than a makeout. And it's not enough. It's unfair if you think about it. He's the one turning me on so much and he's doing fuck all about it. And if I push it, I'll screw it all up, and that's definitely not what I want.
Besides, it's hard enough finding time to do that sort of shit. Well, when we're alone anyway. Leo's reluctant to even kiss if someone's in the lair, let alone do anything decent. Don'll occasionally go to the junkyard and Mike'll go with him to pick his comics up, but that still leaves the problem of Splinter. I wouldn't give a shit if anyone was in or not, but to Leo it's like sacrilege or something.
Splinter's been ill the past couple of days. Don reckons it's just a bit of 'flu or something. He's been ill before and he usually picks up after some rest. I ain't too worried. Leo's having kittens. He fusses far too much, lost respect or no. I guess there are some things that just don't change.
And I don't want them to. I mean, I like him already, nothing needs to change. Well, nothing else. He wouldn't be Leo otherwise would he? Nah, things are good right now, despite the whole no sex thing. Not that I've done it before. And it ain't like I haven't had the opportunity either. I've had some pretty desperate women throw themselves at me in a drunken stupor. But you know, like attracts like and all that.
But I was the hero and said no. I had morals. Well, some anyway. I wasn't about to do it in some back alleyway with a wasted chick I don't even know just 'cause I saved her from having her face smashed in. Geez, some people will do just about anything for some decent sex. And some people don't even care if it isn't decent. I'm not like that.
Today's been weird. Just one of those days where nothing normal happens. Splinter staying in bed for one. Mikey didn't make enough food to feed a small army. Casey wanted to stay in with April for the night. It makes you wonder what other weird shit is gonna happen. Maybe Leo'll kick back on the couch with some bad porn and pop a can. Nah who am I kidding?
Maybe I'll just go out on my own tonight. I haven't done that in ages and God knows Leo won't be up for it. He keeps a near constant vigil by Splinter's bedside as if his life depended on it. Sill, a night out might do him good. You never know, he might surprise me and say yes. He's sure done it often enough lair was pretty much quiet to say it was only eight-ish. Mike would usually be watching a film or playing his video games by now. He's probably in Don's lab lurking in the corner with his Nintendo DS or something. He's been doing that a lot lately. Must be to keep each other company now Leo and I are best friends again all of a sudden.
Splinter's room was stuffy inside, there must have been at least two portable heaters in there. It didn't stink of incense, probably didn't need smoke clogging up his lungs. Nasty shit anyway. I've never understood Leo's obsession with it. Personally I think the stuff smells worse than rotten eggs or something. But then you get used to it, specially in Leo's room. It usually isn't as strong in there. Splinter usually burns patchouli or some other heavy shit, but Leo prefers light musks or sandalwood.
Splinter could barely be seen underneath all the sheets and blankets. It must have been like a sauna in there. He was fast asleep, breathing lightly from a slightly open mouth. It's easy to tell if one of us is ill, just by the colour of our skin. Splinter has all that fur, and he'd never tell us anyway, so we only know if he's sick when he's really sick. Sucks really.
Leo had heard me come in. He'd looked up from his book and watched me approach. His eyes were soft and unassuming. He wouldn't look at me like that if Splinter were awake. It creeps me out sometimes, the way he looks at me. Most of the time it's in this soppy way, like when April looks at Casey after he's done something she thinks is romantic, like picked up Chinese so she doesn't have to cook. Ugh, makes me shudder.
"Hey," He said softly as I came to stand opposite.
"Hey," I repeated blankly.
I wanted to touch him, even if it was just to put a hand on his shoulder but I knew he wouldn't go for it, not while Splinter was in the room, asleep or not. He just looked...empty. I hate it when he looks like that. It's so weird when I feel full to bursting with emotion some times. I guess opposites do attract.
Although I know we're not that different in some ways.
"I'm goin' out, you wanna come?"
No need to tell him where, there's only one place we go. He pulled a face and I could see him working it all out, weighing up his options. We hadn't been out in a while, and it's been even longer since we went out just the two of us. He's a lot closer to Casey now.
Before, I might have been jealous, but not now. Leo needs friends. True, he may not be as social as me or Mikey but fuck, the guy must be lonely. After April and Casey he only has Usagi, and he doesn't even see him that often as he's always off doing his ronin shit. The rest of us, we have friends. Mike has some down at the arcade, people he talks to over XBox Live. I have the guys down at Claw's place. Heck, even Don has friends, those homeless guys at that weird professor down at the dump. How the hell he got homeless when he's a certified professor I'll never know. No one really dares to ask him either.
"Sure. Why not?" Leo replied frankly.
I blinked in surprise. Wasn't expecting that. Still, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? He sat perfectly still for a few more seconds, studying Splinter's face as if fully trusting him to suddenly sit up and start some dumb lecture abut drinking responsibly and shit. To be fair, I wouldn't be too shocked if he did. But he didn't, and Leo slammed the book shut with a dull thud and laid it on the bedside crate.
Donny and Mike didn't object, but then again they never did. Must be nice to see us going out and getting along instead of being at each other's throats. Funny, Don hasn't said another word to me about Leo. Dunno why, either he's too embarrassed or he ain't worried. I don't really give a shit either way. I know what I'm doing and it's none of his business. Or Mikey's. But I don't think Mike really cares anyway. He pretends like he hasn't got a clue but actually he's pretty good at picking up changes in people and relationships, no matter how subtle they may be.
It was quiet at Claw's too, unusual for a Friday night. Mind you, there's not a game on so that's probably why. I prefer it when it's crowded and noisy, Leo doesn't, so at least he'll be in a decent mood. Well, as decent as he can be when Splinter's laid up in bed.
We didn't stay too long. It wasn't as fun as it usually is, haven't got Casey to liven things up. He's too busy playing husband now, which is all very well but he could spare a little more time for a bit of R and R surely. Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy for him and April but I swear, if she's gonna lock him up all day with a feather duster in front of the stove I'm having words.
Leo was silent on the way home, probably because he didn't have many to drink. He'll brood all night now in either his room or Splinter's. He thinks too much. I know it's not always a bad thing. It's just he gets really worked up about stuff he just can't do anything about and he needs to fucking accept that. He won't though. He's so goddamn stubborn it does my head in.
It wasn't too late when we got back, eleven or so. Mike was in bed, could see the glow of the nightlight in his room from the centre of the lair. I've always laughed at him for still needing one at this age, (at least Leon manages to sleep with the slightest of cracks, allowing the tiniest slither of light into his room) but Don's always said it's perfectly natural for some adults to be afraid of the dark, it's a rational fear just like spiders or heights. Pft, still a joke if you ask me. But then again, I guess out of all of us, Mikey and Leo are probably the most prone to nightmares. And if a little bit of light makes it easier for them to sleep at night, heck I ain't gonna stop 'em.
I wonder if old Fearless would agree to a break down at the farm once Splinter's well again. We haven't been for ages, before Leo went off to the jungle. God knows we could do with a break, and the fresh air will do Sensei a world of good. Remind me to ask Leo when Splinter's perked up a bit.
It was quiet in Don's lab too, that certainly makes a change. He's either decided to turn in early or he's curled up with Mikey. I wouldn't be surprised, they've been getting closer and closer lately. Still, it may be a little soon to start sharing rooms but then again, what do I care? Mike might not be able to sleep I dunno. It's none of my business. I wouldn't want them nosying about me and Leo, so there's no need to do it to them.
I think I'd be happy if the same sorta thing happened to Mike and Don. They need each other. Mike brigs Don out of his brainiac stupor, just as Don somehow manages to calm Mike's hysteria. They're opposites, and it works, just like me and Leo. Me and Mike are the physical ones, always have been, just as Leo and Don are the rational pair. Leo'd say Yin and Yang. I say beer and pretzels. Both work I guess.
Leo paused outside his door, leant slightly against the frame. I thought he was gonna rop his guts up at first but then I noticed he was deep in thought. You'd think I'd be able to tell the difference pretty well by now, but it's kinda hard still to identify each of Fearless' emotions, especially since he came back. Most of 'em look the same. Just another of his annoying traits that bug the shit outta me.
"Yeah, well, g'night,"
I gave a small sort of salute but I knew he didn't have a clue. He was well and truly off with the fucking fairies now. He'll stand there mulling stuff over for another ten minutes then realise where he is and go to bed to mull some more. Yeah he does this often.
So, I left him to it and walked across the landing to my own room. I probably wouldn't sleep for another hour or two, I was still psyched up on the beer. Might read some magazines or something. Too late to pick up some weights, I never touch 'em after I've had a drink, not after I launched one at Leo's head that time. He dodged it of course, it was freaking heavy and my aim was a little off, but it certainly left a nice dumbell shaped hole in the wall.
"Raph, stay,"
The command was so quiet I barely heard it. I turned back to look at him curiously. He still had one hand pressed against the frame, head bent slightly, examining the woodwork without really seeing it. I was getting more and more of this broody Leo as each day went past. Those glimpses of a fun, young, flirtatious Leo were so far away sometimes I wondered if I'd fantasized them in the heat of some morning glory.
It wouldn't surprise me to be honest. It all seemed a little too good to be true at the time. Though to be fair, it has only been since Splinter got sick now I think about it. Understandable I suppose. As ragged and odd Leo's relationship is with good ole dad, that's the thing, he's dad. And Leo's always been closer to him, although Mike got hell of a lot of attention, and still does.
Don and I, we're the middle kids. We ain't really sure who's oldest, heck Mike could be for all we know. I guess it just sorta fell into place. Don never really minded being a middle child. I did. It was just...nothing special. Not first. Not last. In between. 'Spose it might explain why I can't settle for nothing but first place.
I was knocked for six at his request. He can be so damn cryptic sometimes, pisses the hell outta me. What, is he frightened he's gonna upchuck if I don't stay with him? Or has he finally decided he wants to go at it like rabbits? Or does he just want a Raph-sized teddy bear to spend the night with?
You know what? Even the teddy bear option sounds good right now. Beats lazing around for ages 'til I doze off, sex or no. Although sex would be good. Who am I kidding? Sex would be pretty damn awesome right now but y'know he's so fricking frigid sometimes. Well, he is more than ever lately, but before Splinter got ill, let me tell ya the little bastard certainly knew how to lead a guy on.
God I think about sex a lot.
"Sure. Why not?"
There was the faintest hint of a smile before he turned around and went in, switching the lights on. I don't go in his room much, not even when he was away. It feels a bit like Splinter's room, it doesn't feel right going in without the owner. Sounds kinda dumb now I think about it. Then again, he's never been in my room much either, so maybe it's not that dumb.
It was spotless and almost bare, just like always. I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself 'til he started undressing so I unbuttoned my coat and tossed it in a corner, my hat landing clumsily beside it. He took a stupid amount of time and care in removing his clothes and hanging them up neatly, making sure each and every hanger faced the exact same way. Freak.
Bored, I slipped out my sais and lazily dumped them on top of my coat. Don't get me wrong, I love those things, but only like a chef loves his knives. Leo treats his swords like they're breathing creatures, like they're part of him. Without them he goes nutso. But then, Leo isn't really Leo without them, not anymore.
I laid back on my shell - it doesn't really bother me like it does the others, and tugged my mask off, flinging it somewhere to my left. It didn't interest me that I was making his room a mess. Hell it needs a bit of clutter, something to make it look lived in. I watched as he gently undid the knots on his own mask, his belt, his supports, his pads, and painstakingly rolled each and every one of them into neat little balls and placed them delicately on his bedside crate.
"That ain't gonna make 'em last longer you know," I offered wisely. He gave that tiny smile again.
"Force of habit," He answered quietly.
He sat, the mattress sinking slightly under his weight, his shell facing the door so he was turned at an angle to look at me, the outside of his thigh pressing my side. It wasn't a big bed, but big enough for the both of us. Although why he chose to just perch on his own bed like that I'll never know.
We were silent for a while, the good kind of silence, not the awkward one, and I nearly jumped when he reached out to trace circles on my plastron. He looked kinda...resigned, maybe just tired I dunno. Hell, I was getting kinda sleepy actually. I just sorta wanted him to lay down and chill so I could close my eyes. When he spoke he was soft, calm.
"Do you think...Master Splinter will be okay?"
"Don't talk shit, 'course he will be," I responded instantly.
It was something that didn't even require thinking about. He nodded serenely, no flicker of emotion crossing his face whatsoever. I went to frown but he suddenly got up and turned off the lights. The tell-tale crack of gold fell across the other side of the bed, the springs creaked as he lay next to me on his side. I felt him pull the sheets over us and I know he hesitated before wraping an arm over my plastron. I grumbled a little but I didn't really mind. I can be a good teddy bear, just you watch.
"Mike must be with Don," He said into the darkness.
"Prob'ly," I shrugged.
"I'm a little...worried about them," He admitted quietly.
Fearless worried? God now that's a fucking surprise. I spared a quick glance at him. His eyes stared past me into the poster on the wall. The light from the slightly open door fell across his face, illuminating and shadowing at the same time. For a brief second I thought he might have been angry, thought I might have to smack the hypocritical bitch. Then he carried on.
"I don't want them to get hurt sneaking around like we do,"
Made sense I suppose. The sneaking about didn't really bother me all that much, but I knew it did his tree in. He was so damn cautious, wouldn't even stand within three feet of me if Splinter was in the room. Obviously that hadn't been the case recently but he still acted as if I had some sort of contagious disease unless we were completely alone, even if Don and Mike were around, and they don't give a shit what we do. 'Cept maybe make love on the couch or something. I can see them getting pretty pissed about that.
Anyway, it's none of our business what they do either. I'm gonna leave 'em to it, 'cause I'd expect them to let me and Leo just get on with it. Though I guess that's asking for a lot really, specially with Mike the interfering little manwhore. And Don the shrink. Yeah I bet that's why they got together. So they can form plans and strategies on how to interrupt and analyse the shit out of us.
"Stop worryin', they're fine. They're not kids Leo, they know the rules," I answered carelessly.
It was true. They did. Though Mike just ignored them most of the time. But to be fair, I suppose I do my share of rule breaking too. But hey what's life without a little adventure? Fucking boring that's what. I tell ya, if we were all like Leo and Don, this world would not be worth living in. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em both to bits, but seriously, if it were up to them, we'd be married to the dojo and the lab. And I just ain't having that.
"They act like kids sometimes. And you," He laughed softly, even nervously. It sounded weird, but not unpleasant.
"Yeah well, being an adult gets boring, gotta let some steam off every now and again," I shrugged once more.
"I kinda miss being able to do what I wanted," He confessed. His vice had that far away ring to it, and I knew he was on about his time in the jungle.
"Yeah, it's nice," I agreed amicably, the slightest of hints. Don't think he'll get it.
"Although there was a lot of stuf I couldn't do," Nope, he didn't get it.
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
"Like this," And he pressed closer, touching his cold face against the hollow of my neck. Heh, I told you I'd make an alright teddy bear.
"This is good," I admitted softly, wrapping an arm around him.
Y'see, this is the thing about Fearless. You think you know him like the back of your hand or something, then he goes and pulls a stunt like this. It pisses me off, but I suppose at the same time it kinda makes it exciting. I mean I never know for sure what he's gonna do. When it comes to us I mean. With anything else it's so easy to predict his next move.
When Mike says a joke that ain't funny? He smiles and gives a soft chuckle anyway 'cause that's what Mike wants to hear. When Splinter's praised him? He'll go and join us on the sofa with a book. When Splinter tells him off? He sulks for hours in the dojo or his room, perfecting what he did wrong. When one of us ain't in? He sits at the kitchen table with cup after cup of tea until we return. See? Normally I can guess his reaction to a tee.
But that all goes to pot when it's just me and him. I never know if he's gonna push me away or pull me closer, become emo or out of his tree. I can guess, and a lotta the time I'm right. But I love and hate those times I'm fucking wrong. I just kinda wish he'd pick a personality and stick with it sometimes, especially if he reacts in a way I don't like. Like one day he'll be all smoochy and touchy-feely, and the next he'll barely be within two feet of me. Ugh.
Me? I'm emotional. Yeah I know what you're thinking. Raph's never good with emotion, he can't say what he feels. That's because I'm led by it, just like I'm led by him. My every action depends on how I feel. Whereas he always depends on what he's thinking. I listen to my heart, my instincts, 'cause they'll tell me how to survive, how to respond naturally. I'm overcome by them. Leo is so totally fucking different.
It's like he supresses these emotions and feelings so he can decide what's the best course of action. It makes me wonder how the gell he survived in the jungle, somewhere he needs to rely on his instincts and not once think about what will benefit others. God I'd have thrived in there. Perhaps that's why Splinter sent him, I dunno. Who am I to question good old dad?
I ain't got a clue what's going off in his head sometimes. All I know is, sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't. I voice my opinion either way. I ain't got Leo's authority, Don's knowledge or Mike's energetic naivete. I gotta show I exist one way or another. Sucks being the middle kid sometimes.
It made me jump when he moved his hand from my waist to my thigh. His fingers were calloused from years of swordplay, leather sliding against leather. That tiny move must have took long, long, long minutes to think about. I fought the urge to shiver, it was cool and yet I felt my blood warm beneath his touch. God this fucks me off. Surely he knows what he does to me. Drives me up the fucking wall.
Maybe I shouldn't have done it. I dunno and I don't care, 'cause when he returned the kiss, just as hotly, as wetly, as goddamned hungrily, all rational thought just kinda vanished. I told you I was an emotional kinda guy. I get a feeling and I go with it, no ifs or buts about it. And trust me, at times like this, it fucking pays off.
I can't exactly describe it. All I know is, it was sort of worth it. Every painful second of waiting was worth it. Every sated breath and touch felt like I'd been reintroduced after a century of deprivation. Sounds crazy I know. It wasn't as I imagined that's for sure. I never expected to be so gentle, so reassuring. I always thought it would be rough, fast, heated. It was, in a way, but it was more human instead of animalistic. I was disappointed, and totally not all at once.
We were quiet, every noise coming out as a gasp or whimper, the bed barely moved. There was probably no need, Splinter would be dead to the world and Don and Mike would've been holed away in Don's little soundproof lab. Hm, they could've been doing it for months and we wouldn't have even known, sneaky bastards.
It was weird, seeing Leo give up control like that, but certainly not a bad thing. Hell it made it all the more exciting. I always knew I'd be the leader in bed, and God it was better than I'd ever dreamed. Making him do what I wanted, following my touch, aw fuck. And the best thing? He didn't give a damn. He adored it. Hearing him plead, whisper my name, clutch my arm and shake in the heat, well, let's just say it won't be something I'll forget in a hurry. Makes me shudder even now.
He was quiet afterwards. He laid on his side and didn't speak a word. At first I thought I'd hurt him. Well, I had a little, but that was to be expected. But when I slung an arm around his waist, he turned over and wriggled into my side, pressing his face to my collar. I couldn't tell if the musky, sweaty smell came from him or me, maybe it was both of us.
It didn't take long to fall asleep. We were both exhausted, and I knew he was dying for a shower. He hates being dirty or sweaty. God only knows how he managed in the jungle 'cause I bloody don't. I expected his silence, even his clingyness. Leo doesn't like to be laid bare, hates it. It's a wonder he managed to give in in the first place. It must have been because he really, really wanted it. Heh, I love being smug.
A part of me couldn't wait to brag to Don. He was worried I'd hurt old Fearless and here he was begging for it. I'm not gonna though, this is mine, and I don't like to share. But I was proud. I finally got what I wanted, anyone's gonna be proud after that. Wonder if this is how Casey felt after he laid April for the first time. I'd ask if I weren't afraid he'd go into detail. Can't handle that shit.
I dunno if Casey'd be alright with it or not. I mean, he's quite an open-minded guy when he wants to be. Didn't even bat an eyelid when Angel told him she was gay. Not that that was unexpected to be fair, saw it a fucking mile off. Or I did anyway. Nah, Casey's okay. So is April for that matter. But telling them Leo's my mate and I do him up the ass? I think that'd freak them out. They're probably better off not knowing. For now at least anyway. Besides, they're planning the wedding, no need to put any more shit on their plate right?
I dunno, I'm kinda happy with it just being us two for now. Makes it better, more thrilling knowing we could be caught any second. It probably kills Leo, I bet he detests a thumping heart and that tight feeling in your chest. Ah, I love it. Makes you feel alive, gets your blood pumping and adrenalin going. Nothing better. 'Cept maybe sex, but obviously I didn't know that before.
No doubt Fearless is gonna be a little submissive for a while now. To say he's a control freak he sure does what he's told hell of a lot. But all this contact and intimacy is surely gonna freak him out. I'm cool with that. He'll get over it and see it's what he wants. He always does. And he'll keep coming back again and again.
I think he loves losing control, otherwise he'd have told me to piss off before now.
To Be Continued
A.N: Gah I know I chickened out, I'm sorry! I just can't bring myself to write anything citrussy. I just can't do it, I don't know why. Meh, at least you can imagine! Back to business, I'm not sure what there will be another chapter but I hope to god it won't be a year from now. Eh, I'm so sorry about that, I suck so much. Thanks for reading and please please stick with me!