My Enemies Aren't The Ones I Fear

Chapter Six

Leonardo's P.O.V

I've given a great deal of thought to how I would die. I know how I want to die and how I will die. They don't seem that different, but to me that subtle diversity matters the world. It is the difference between exiting this life with dignity and with shame. I have strived my whole life for dignity, for respect, for acceptance, and for perfection. It is a hard and unrewarding quest.

I thought I was going to die last night. I thought the heat of my blood would sear through my veins and through my skin to pour out onto the floor like hot lava. I have never felt such painful pleasure. And for the first time in my life I felt accepted, felt that hard, fruitless journey become almost meaningless. My brother held me, entered me, loved me.

I've never given a great deal of thought to sex. The Pacific Northwest salmon fights itself into a bloody pulp swimming miles upstream...for sex. Raph is that salmon. I realise this now. I should have noticed earlier, it's kind of odd that I didn't. Don watches a lot of animal biology programmes, you'd think it would have clicked by now.

I arose at dawn, as usual. The alcohol certainly doesn't affect me now as much as it used to. A part of me is regretful, but not regretful enough to start drinking more. I like not carrying the world on my shoulders for a while, but I feel lost without it, I couldn't do that to myself. I can still remember every second of last night.

Physically I felt stiff, and sore, in places I never would have thought possible. It's a bizarre sensation, something I hoped would ease off sometime soon. Metaphorically I felt like something within me had been misplaced. I wasn't quite sure what. That ever-precious dignity perhaps? No, I didn't feel ashamed. I felt incomplete, unsure. I didn't like it. I suppose I've lost my virginity, but I never saw that as something that carries any weight.

It's weird. Now I've had sex I'm starting to wonder – has everyone done it? Have Don and Mikey made love? What about April and Casey? Those two are a definite, surely? Although I can't see April as someone who plays around for the sake of it. She wouldn't go with Casey unless she really felt for him, right?

I don't know, I don't know why I'm thinking about it. It's one of my business what these people do, what Don and Mikey do. Although that's the strangest thing, imagining the two purest and peaceful people doing what Raph and I did. I'm not disgusted or ashamed. I'm...curious I think. How can it change you? What does it mean?

Some people abstain from sex until they are married. Before last night I would have said it would be easy. But now I've tasted sin I don't know how anyone could have the strength of will to do that. I thought if anyone could, it would most certainly be me. Not that I've ever given much thought to marriage either. I have too much to learn, too much to do, and so little time in which to do it in.

I padded into the kitchen for my regular cup of tea. Routine. That's what I needed more than anything today. After something so new and breathtaking, I need normality. Perhaps I'll even start a fight with Raphael for that extra touch of usualness. I need something reliable to reassure me everything isn't going to turn upside down on me. Slightly Autistic perhaps, definitely obsessive, but it's what I need.

Master Splinter's muffled cough stopped me thinking about sex. He's getting sicker I'm sure of it. I've tried to pretend it's not happening, but how can I when it's getting harder for him to breathe, when Donny emerges from his room looking like he had the world on his shoulders? I can't, and I don't think the others can either. It's just so difficult to talk about.

I grieved for Sensei's death a long time ago. The first time he got really sick, I wept for a death that hadn't happened yet. And then I carried on with my life. I am ready now to support my brothers through the onslaught of pain that awaits them. That is the job I've been assigned, what Master Splinter would want, I'm sure of it.

Raph, Don and Mikey will be okay, they'll get through it. They are strong, resourceful. I will too. I'm prepared for every outcome. We will see the light of another dawn together and we will be better brothers because of it. Raph has given me this strength, this will to carry on and live a life. With him. With Don and Mike.

When I took my mug to the sink, there was a single cup already in there. It was chipped, there was a faded picture of Scooby Doo on the side and coffee dregs in the bottom. It's not rare these days to see Don up and about before dawn. Nor is it rare to see coffee mugs littered around the place. My usually conscientious brother is starting to become as scatty as Michelangelo. If not more.

In a way, I will be glad to see Sensei at rest. It will set things in motion once more. We can all shed this heart-aching worry, Donny especially. We can focus on living once more, with Master Splinter a spiritual guidance, a beloved memory. He won't be in any more pain. God knows he's had enough. Will he be reincarnated? I don't know. But whatever happens to his soul, I hope he doesn't hurt any longer.

Don looked like death warmed up. I found him returning to Sensei's room with armfuls of fresh towels. Only now did the guilt make its presence known. Not only did I selfishly go out last night, leaving Mike and Don in a home that metaphorically stank of apprehension and despair, but I completely forgot about everything worthwhile as my brother made love to me.

I think Donny understood my cringe. He gave a soft smile which did nothing to relieve the purple bags underneath his eyes. I've seen this look before.

In the jungle village near where I'd lived for so long, there was an old washer woman. Each day she would collect her neighbors' dirty laundry, haul it to the river and spend all morning rinsing and scrubbing. Then she would return it in exchange for mere pennies and carry on home to care for her sick daughter.

I never met the girl. There were rumors in the village that she was weird and retarded, some even said she was possessed by the devil. All that is really known is a couple of years ago she was taken in by the charms of a young soldier and moved away to live with him. Months later she returned, unmarried and pregnant. Some say she had used the devil's power to bewitch the soldier, and he had disowned her once he saw how she had lied and tricked him.

Being from New York, I think I can see the truth in this story, see what really happened between the washer woman's daughter and the soldier. Either way, she miscarried and became deathly ill herself. The villagers were glad. They believed God had rid them of this devil spawn and was punishing the girl accordingly.

I don't know what the old washer woman believed. What I do know is that every penny and ounce of energy she owned went into keeping her daughter alive. You could say it was fruitless. It was not a rich village and the girl grew sicker and sicker with each passing day. I saw it in the old washer woman's face. I see it in Donny's face now.

The village secretly rejoiced when the girl finally died. They were free of evil. The old washer woman drowned herself in the river with her neighbors' laundry the next day. I watched her body float upstream to somewhere better. That night, smoke rose high from the village and the acrid stink of burning flesh hung around for days.

Master Splinter is not a witch controlled by the devil. But Donatello is that old washer woman. I was not obliged to 'save' either the girl or the old woman, nor did I want to. I have no medical ability, I would have been of no use to the girl. And the old woman was finally free. I could not stand in her way.

Just as I am powerless now. It is Donatello who holds the talent to save our father's life. I do not doubt my brother's abilities one jot, but I fear this is beyond him. I think if it is your time to depart from this world, then no amount of skill or technology can change that.

Donny disagrees. It is always 'If only I had this' or 'Things would be better if I could get my hands on that'. He does not seem to realize you get what you are given, nothing more, and you must do your best with that. Even if you deserve more. God knows we deserve more. But we haven't been given it. So we must make do with the tools we have.

We have been quite lucky over the years. We found suitable living quarters. We grew up reasonably healthy, despite going to bed many a night with grumbling stomachs. Master Splinter knew ninjitsu, which has certainly helped to increase our life span. We met April and Casey. We have been extremely lucky. It didn't have to be this way.

"How's he doing?" My voice was quiet, odd and disruptive in the silence.

I saw my brother hesitate and my heart plunged. He was worse. I didn't think he was getting any better. For the first time since I left for the jungle, I felt like I was going to break. I was going to shatter into tiny pieces that could never be repaired. But I saw Donny blink back a couple of barely-there tears and I was able to glue myself back together for him. I was proud to hear his voice falter only once.

"I don't think...he won't ma...make the night,"

I nodded blankly. It was what I expected. Sensei would die before the day was through. I had to accept this now so I could be their rock tonight. And surprisingly I was okay with that. I prepared for this a long time ago. I'm ready.

"What about Raph and Mike?" I asked. If he was shocked and how calm and steady I was, he didn't show it.

"I don't know," He admitted softly.

Is it better to let them know, to warn them, in advance? Will this cause unnecessary trauma and worry? What if he pulls through and survives tonight? We'll just be waiting and waiting, hanging in limbo. But I think they deserve to know. Raph would be furious if we kept something like that from him. Mikey would be confused, upset.

"I think we should tell them," I suggested faintly.

He simply nodded, and I could tell he agreed with my unspoken reasons. He'd be hurt too if something like this had been kept from him. I think knowing in advance helps. It certainly doesn't ease the pain, but you can prepare yourself, so it's that tiny bit easier to bear. Donny is preparing himself now, I can see it. If nothing else, Donny prepares well.

"You tell them,"

With that, he moved back towards Splinter's room. He prepares well, even if it means removing himself from direct fire. He's never liked confrontation, or other close, emotional encounters much. He'll be there to confirm the medical details, but he'll leave the brunt of the work to me, because he knows he wouldn't be able to handle it. I should mind, but I don't, not really. Maybe that's wrong, I don't know. I just know that's the way things are around here.

I wasn't exactly sure what to say to them. Family meeting in the kitchen asap? They'd know something was up, they're not stupid. I suppose that's all I can say without Donny. I needed him. Family meeting it is then. We have them often enough. Heck, we even had one the other day about not screwing the cap back on the toothpaste and other matters of bathroom etiquette. God I'd kill to have another meeting about that.

Mikey was already up, which was strange. We weren't to practice for another couple of hours, it was still early. But he was awake, flicking through a number of contemporary art books. The absence of comic books was even stranger. He was pleasant though, cheerfully explaining how April had e-mailed him a link to some painting he had found interesting so he was doing some research. He followed my instructions to gather for a family meeting instantly, grabbing a couple of books and taking them with him.

Approaching my room was...difficult. It was weird, I'd spent all night in there with him, done things I never imagined possible. But it still took every ounce of strength I had to reach out and open the door. He was still dozing, sprawled haphazardly across my once pristine bed. I fought the urge to straighten the sheets and made my way over, shutting the door softly behind me. Seeing him there, the same as always, calmed and fluttered my heart at the exact same time.

He awoke without me even having to say a word. Our ninjitsu is so acute now we are alerted to one another's presence, even if we can't hear them breathing. That and I think my brothers and I are so incredibly attuned to each other it's like we are linked in mind. I think it might have something to do with sharing beds when we were young. We quickly got used to each other's movements and breathing that we adjusted ourselves to accommodate for it.

He made to give me a cocky grin as he sat up but one look at my face made him freeze in his tracks.

"What's wrong?" He asked worriedly.

I hardened myself, slipped on the Fearless Leader mask.

"Another meeting," I replied numbly. He frowned at me but followed me out anyway.

They took it well. Or, as well as can be expected. Mikey cried quietly into his hands. I was surprised that Don didn't comfort him, but then, Don has his own grieving to do. Raph punched the wall and made the stone crack. But then he leaned against it and didn't say a word.

I removed myself from the scene to meditate. It might seem cold, but it was what I had to do to keep myself from breaking down. It allowed me to repair the cracks in that mask. No one disturbed me. When I returned to the main room Mikey was sat on the couch, flicking through channels. His forlorn blue eyes stared into an entirely different place than the TV.

"Are you okay?" I asked, sitting next to him. He offered me a sad smile.

"Yeah. I'm just...trying to get used to the idea that's all," He replied quietly.

I nodded in understanding. It would take a long time, Master Splinter had been there all our lives. But it was inevitable. He knew as well as I did the time would come where we would be by ourselves. I just mourned it a long time ago.

"Where are the others?" I wanted to know.

"Donny's in his room, I think he's talking to April. Raph's with Splinter. He thought it would be a good idea to say his peace, say g'bye," He explained in that dead voice.

"That is a good idea," I agreed. For Raph, anyway. "Are you going to do the same?"

"Yeah. There are a few things I want to say to him. Are you?" He looked up, eyes searching mine.

"I don't think so," I replied gently, turning away. Nothing was said for a little while.

"You said goodbye, a long time ago, didn't you?" He whispered. I nodded.

He didn't say anything to that and went back to flitting through the channels. I watched the flashing screen, amazed at how observant my little brother was. We underestimated him a great deal. He always knows when something is amiss, providing he doesn't get distracted. Sadly that happens a lot.

We weren't sat there for long when Raph emerged from Sensei's room. There were fresh tears on his face and he rubbed them away angrily. I ached to comfort him, but I knew he would want to be left alone. I know I would. So I watched him turn and ascend the stairs with heavy feet. This was his way of dealing. I needed to left him get on with that.

"What do you think he said?" Mike wondered out loud. He was hugging his knees against his plastron and now he rested his chin on them.

"I don't know. I think that should stay between him and Master Splinter," I answered. Sensei would quite literally take it to the grave.

"Yeah. You're right. As usual," He gave me a half-hearted smile that I couldn't help but return.

We sat together a little longer. Mikey gradually began to lean on me more and more. I let him. It was strange. I felt calm, almost relieved. I thought this would be harder for me, but it wasn't. It was as if Sensei had been gone a long time for me. This was good. It meant I could keep them altogether.

It wasn't long before Don emerged from his workroom, snuffling loudly. Dejectedly he came and sat the other side of me, staring blankly at the commercial on the screen. No one said anything.

"April and Casey are coming when they've finished work. I told them not to but they want to...help," He said finally. His voice was dead, and I was sorely reminded of the old washer woman.

"Good. I want to see them," Mikey cracked his first true smile in ages. Donny nodded, but his expression didn't alter one bit.

"Is Raph finished?" He asked.

"Yeah, he's in his room," I replied tenderly.

He got up without a word and slipped into Sensei's room. He was either checking up on him or saying his own goodbye, probably both. Mike didn't speak, just let out a shuddering sigh and moved closer to me. We didn't move for hours.

Don came and left but we still didn't move. The TV now played some lame soap opera but we weren't watching. It gave me a sense of purpose, sitting here with Michelangelo, even if we weren't technically doing anything. He wept soundlessly, and holding him close eased the pain slightly for him. He could count on his big brother. Until the very end.

It was late afternoon when he finally spoke and pulled stiffly away from me.

"I think...I want to go see Sensei," He whispered, rubbing his red, sore eyes with the back of his hand.

I nodded and watched him leave. The lair was just far too quiet. It gave me the creeps. I felt a little bit guilty that I hadn't felt one twinge of grief, but I told myself that was a good thing. My brothers needed my thoughts and energy now, not him.

I rose from the couch, joints creaking a little from being sat still so long. I entered Donny's lab with caution, but it was needless. He wasn't messing around with bomb parts today. He was sat at his desk, fiddling with loose bits of wire and spare fuses. He was staring into the distance, eyes watering.

He snapped out of it when I perched myself on one of his counters and he sighed, tossing down the wire. He wiped his eyes with calloused fingers but didn't offer me any false smiles or reassurances. That was one of the things I liked about Donatello. He never lies.

"You gonna be okay?" I asked quietly. He sighed again but nodded.

"Have to be, don't we?" He answered in defeat.

I nodded this time. He was right, we did. After myself, I think Donny is the most prepared. I was proud of him, refusing to wallow in pity. He must have guessed long ago, when Sensei first became ill, that we would eventually lose him this time. I guess Splinter's role here is finished.

"Besides, it's not all bad. He won't be hurting anymore. And we're still here, together. That's the main thing," He added, giving me a soft smile.

For now, I wanted to say, but I didn't. Now was not the time to worry about the possibility of our own deaths. We always knew that to be a mutant turtle, to be ninja, to fight against the Shredder, would decrease our life expectancy. Everyday we risk death. We've accepted that. Whether we can deal with it is another matter.

"You're right," I agreed.

"Is Mike okay?" I nodded. "Is he with Master Splinter?" Another nod. "I'd like it if you saw him. It will do you good. It did me. Helped me accept it," He said quietly, surveying me with bereft eyes.

"I..." I paused and looked away. He wouldn't like it but I couldn't lie to him. "I have nothing to say to him," I murmured coolly, avoiding his eyes.

"What? Why not?" His voice was crisp, accusing, and I flinched.

"I just don't, okay Don?" I bristled in defense.

"No it's not okay! He's on his deathbed in there and you have nothing to say to him?" He demanded furiously, voice cracking with emotion. His eyes threatened to overflow again.

I don't know why I was so on edge. I wanted to tell him to mind his own business but I owed him more than that. Of course it would seem unnatural. Our father was dying and I wouldn't go to his side. That must appear too cold, too uncaring.

I was scared to go into his room. What if I could only remember the harsh expectations, the crushing weight, and not the good things? I've already said goodbye and thank you all that time ago. Wasn't that enough?

But Donny didn't know that. Why should he? He's not as observant as Michelangelo. He's so absent-minded, busy with so many other things. For him, I would see our Sensei. And Raph, because I know he wouldn't agree with it either. Sometimes I wish they were as accepting and unquestioning as Mikey.

"Let's not argue Donny, I'll go see him, I promise," I said sincerely, hopping down from the counter and approaching him.

He nodded in acceptance and let me envelope him in a tight embrace. He sniffled into my collar and I let him. I was doing a good job. I felt supportive, a real big brother. The leader within me was put aside, just for a little while. It felt good to take a break.

"I have work to do," He said eventually, pulling away and bringing himself together.

"I'm proud of you Donny," I said into the awkward silence. He flushed and distracted himself with some papers.

I nodded and left him to it. I barely heard him whisper his thanks, but I did and gave him a small smile before leaving him to it. Donny would be okay, I was sure of it. He differed to the old washer woman. He wasn't alone.

I decided to see Master Splinter and get it over with. I had no reason to doubt Don's judgment, he had never been wrong before, but a horrified part of me thought what if he lived through this? I'd be so ashamed. I wasn't planning on telling him anything embarrassing, in fact I planned on telling him nothing at all. But still, saying goodbye to have him pull through would make me feel very, very stupid.

Raph had come down from his room and was talking to Mike on the couch. He looked drained, stretched even. I swelled with pride hearing my brothers reassure one another and shoulder each other's grief. It made my job just that tiny bit easier and I was grateful.

I paused outside Sensei's room, and I could feel their eyes boring into my shell. This was hard. Such a simple task I'd done a million times before, yet my legs refused to move. I took a deep breath, steeling myself. This is ridiculous. Just do it. Just put your fingers on the handle and go in. No big deal.

"Are you going to see Sensei, Leo?" Mike asked curiously, a hint of happiness shining through.

I nodded but didn't move a muscle. Before I knew it, Raphael had stepped before me. I hadn't even seen him move. Suddenly he crushed me in a hug. I blinked, taken by surprise. I lifted my hands slowly, dazedly placing my hands on his biceps to return the gesture.

I felt his lips tenderly press themselves against the weathered skin on my shoulder. I instantly tensed. Mike was watching. What on earth did he think he was doing? I expected some loud exclamation, but our younger brother didn't utter a word. I hardly dared to breathe. It wasn't long after that Raph let me go.

And opened the door for me.

It stunk inside, of sweat and cough medicine. No incense burned, it was odd seeing the room without a haze of smoke. The light was dim, it was hard to see. When I looked over at his bed my stomach lurched and I thought he was already dead. But then his chest rose ever so slightly and he mumbled in his fever ridden sleep.

I sat down in the chair next to him, fully intending to just sit there for a while and then take my leave. It was nauseating, watching him die. I could feel it, feel his energy slowly trickling into the darkness. This was different to watching criminals die. There was no malice or determination behind this. Sensei wasn't fighting anymore. He was waiting patiently for death.

After ten minutes I wondered if I could come out yet. I was starting to feel sick. I had no desire to spill my guts to him, in life or death. There are a lot of things I didn't want him to know, and I'd already thanked him a million times. I had nothing to say now.

It was like babysitting a corpse. He barely moved or spoke. I can't understand why I didn't feel hurt or upset. I was impatient, frustrated. I wanted him to die. I'd already gotten over his death. I wanted him to pass to the afterlife so my brothers could too.

"Leonardo,"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. His voice was barely a rasp, a shadow of a breath. My blood turned to ice as he turned his head to peer at me. There was a sort of milky glaze to his eyes. He coughed and I could see the tiniest sprinkling of moisture stain his pillow. It was like facing one back from the dead.

"Yes, Sensei?" I asked politely. Years of obedience forbade me to do otherwise.

"I did not think...you would come," I could see it was difficult for him to speak, as if he had to physically force the words from his throat.

"I'm here Sensei," I instantly felt guilty. And terrified. As if his last words to me will be a telling off.

"You have taken care of your brothers well. And I know you will continue to," Each word was labored with heavy gasps now. My heart clenched. The time was drawing near.

"Yes Sensei," I whispered. I would take care of them as if my life depended on it.

"I know there is something you have been keeping from me,"

I immediately froze. He knew. Damn it. Had Raphael told him? But we'd agreed. Splinter was not to be told. I was more than happy for it to stay that way. Maybe before I'd had my doubts, fretted about lying to our Sensei. But I know now I could not risk losing Raphael. I would rather keep my master in the dark. Even in death.

But now that was blown. I felt the rebellion stir deep within me. I wanted to say I don't care! I will stay with Raph! But all those years of obedience squashed the rebellion. This was my Sensei. I had to listen to him. Especially now in his last, dying moments.

"Yes Sensei," I breathed, lowering my eyes in shame.

"Is it right for a leader to keep secrets from his master?" He was coughing again, face twisted in pain.

"No Sensei," I answered quietly.

I knew this was a bad idea. I should have defied Don and faced the consequences. Surely they'd have been better than this. I wouldn't remember him as a lecturing corpse, for one thing. I didn't have to know his last words to me would be full of disdain. I bet he didn't say any of this to Raph or the others.

"I know...about your relationship with your brother," He hissed, fixing me with beady, accusing eyes.

I couldn't help but let out a gasp, my heart literally thumping against my plastron.

"It is wrong," He spat out with strain. "It is..."

He was suddenly plagued with another fit of coughs. His spine arched with the pressure on his chest. Sickeningly, I realized it wasn't saliva he had been spitting out. It was blood. I could tell this was it now. He wasn't even fighting. He just let the illness take root. Abruptly he went rigid, still beneath the sheets. His eyes were like stone.

He was dead.

Wrong echoed deafeningly in my ears.

To Be Continued

A.N: I'm a bad author. I'm so sorry guys. But hey, better late than never right? Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll try hard with seven I promise. Take care!