A/N Just got back from a week long canoe trip up in Minnesota, with all my big trips of the Summer out of the way I should be able to update more frequently, and hopefully the next chapter will be up within a week. Anyway this chapter is shorter than my last two, but is more focused. Enjoy!
As he stepped back into the familiar streets of Kirkwall, Hawke felt nothing. Not even the slightest sense of accomplishment washed over him as they paused for a moment in the Hightown marketplace. Attempting to lighten the mood Varric said, "Dreary old Kirkwall, good to be back right Hawke, a fortune with you to boot,"
"Not exactly the first thing on my mind," Hawke said grimly.
His smile fading Varric nodded, "Yeah I know…" Sighing he said, "You can get out of the slums now Hawke, it wasn't all for nothing,"
'It might as well have been' Hawke thought as he made his way to Lowtown.
Hawke stood outside his home, a sense of dread bearing over him. He had promised her that he would bring his brother back alive. He didn't even have his body for his mother to pay her respects. Would she blame him? Would she lash out at him like she had that fateful day in Lothering? Her accusation was born of the anguish of the moment, yet her words had cut him deeper than any blade. Why didn't you do something? The guilt weighed heavily now, doubled, and his mask of humor and exuberance that he hid behind had fallen, unable to be supported anymore.
Deciding to delay no further, Hawke made his way up the stairs to Gamlen's home. Stopping at the door, he glances at his pouch now laden with sovereigns from the expedition. Resisting the urge to suddenly throw it all away, he inhales deeply and walks inside.
Spotting his Hawke Gamlen calls out, "Hey Leandra, your oldest runt is here!" He had a glare as he looked at his normally cheerful nephew. His expression changed as he noticed that there was not even a trace of humor in his face.
Leandra suddenly rushed in from the guest room and embraced Hawke into a tight hug. Hawke reciprocated, wrapping his arms around his mother. Surprised that her eldest son had not yet released a witty remark yet she looked at him, his eyes hiding nothing. Sensing something was wrong she asked, "Dear, what's wrong? Where is Carver?" her worry increasing with every passing moment.
Hawke's face fell at the mention of his brother's name. "He's…. He's gone, mother. He got infected by the taint… I… made his passing easier," Hawke explained recalling the memory with a pained expression. "I felt so damn useless, for all my healing magic, it couldn't do a damn thing, I could only watch as he suffered, I couldn't- It should have been me!" Hawke said in a fit of anguish.
"Oh darling…" Leandra said placing a hand on her son's face. She lifted his face, forcing his eyes to meet hers. Her gaze transmitted everything that he needed to know. It wasn't your fault. With that she pulled him against her, allowing him to release the burden he had on his shoulders for the past several days. Silently she began to weep, held in her son's strong arms as it hit her that she had lost her little boy. Gamlen rubbed his neck awkwardly, and feeling out of place, decided exiting the hovel to give them time to comfort each other as they mourned the loss of Carver.
Hearing the familiar padding of bare feet Isabela turned around to be greeted by the site of her favorite Dalish elf. "Why hello there Kitten! How was the Deep roads expedition? Slay some Darkspawn? Find some treasure? Spend some alone time with Hawke?" Isabela said, grinning devilishly on her last comment.
Merrill paused for a moment, then managed to say. "No not really, it was horrible!"
Raising an eyebrow, Isabela questioned, "Really? What happened?"
Merrill informed Isabela of the catastrophic mishaps that occurred during the expedition and concluded with the tragedy of Carver's death as they fought to escape the deep roads.
Saying nothing for a few moments, Isabela finally replied saying, "Well, his regular at the Blooming Rose will be very disappointed, given all the coin he's showered on her," Appearing completely unaffected.
Merrill looked at her with a blank stare a moment. When she recovered from the glibness of Isabela's comment, she responded with a hint of anger rarely seen from her, disbelief written in her expression as she nearly shouted, "Isabela! Hawke's brother is dead and all you can respond with is a bad joke?"
Isabela lowered her eyes for a moment appearing slightly ashamed. "… I'm sorry Kitten," she said with a hint of remorse. Meeting her eyes, she went on, "I'm not really good with things of the emotional sort. Dismissing things as if they were nothing is just… easier for me," she explained. Quickly changing the subject she continued with a sly grin, "Although I'm sure Hawke could use some 'comforting' right now. Maybe you should pay him a visit," Her eyes harboring undisguised glee.
Merrill however, was oblivious as always to Isabela's underlying innuendo. "Well, I suppose he could use someone to be there for him, he probably feels awful right now," Merrill said remembering the look in her friend's eye. The characteristic spark in his eyes was gone, not even so much as a dying ember remaining. 'They almost looked dead' Merrill thought with a shudder, recalling Hawke's somber expression.
Knowing her statement had gone right over Merrill's head Isabela put a palm to her forehead sighing as she said, "Yes, I'm sure he could Kitten."
Deciding to go with Isabella's suggestion
Darkness had since descended upon Kirkwall, and Merrill stood before the Lowtown lodging that Hawke currently still lived at. She took a moment to admire the sky and the moon, a thin crescent in the veil amongst the veil of stars. Dismissing the slight nervousness that had accompanied her on the way there, Merrill climbed the steps and was about to knock on the door when a familiar voice interrupted her.
"Hello? Someone there?" Moving noises could be heard from the top of the building, and Hawke looked down from the roof to see Merrill. "Oh hey Merrill, I wasn't expecting you to be here. Fancy joining me as I stare into the heavens and ponder aimlessly," Hawke offered.
Merrill was glad to here that at least some of his humor had returned and responded, "Yes, I think I would like that." Noticing that she was searching for a way to get onto the roof Hawke said, "Here let me help you," Looking around and seeing no templars, Hawke manipulated the gravity around Merrill, setting her next to him gently. Returning his gaze to the sky he said, "Best view in Lowtown, if I do say so myself."
Merrill nodded, and then decided to get straight to the point. "Hawke… are you okay?"
Taking in a deep breath Hawke replied, "No…" his eyes lowering. Then he looked up and smiled at her, "But I'm getting there, so thanks for asking," He went on meeting her eyes.
Merrill smiled back and said, "Anytime lethallin."
And with that they enjoyed each others company finding comfort in the nighttime silence.