Shirelings
Chapter 3
A Post-Dinner Excursion
It was approximately seven o'clock according to the clock on the mantelpiece in Frodo's dining room- "approximately" because the clock was the very same that had hid a rather important note from Frodo's uncle Bilbo some seventy seven years ago and was thus quite old. Frodo was quite fond of the relic and didn't mind the fact that it was often ten minutes off.
Staring at the timepiece, he let his mind wander and reminisce about the stories Bilbo told him. He wondered where Bilbo was now and whether he was on another one of his adventures. A familiar longing stirred in his heart and he thought to himself whether the day would soon come that he too would live out such a tall tale.
His musings were interrupted by a loud belch from Pippin who had at last finished his supper. Although Merry rolled his eyes, neither of the older cousins could stifle an appreciative chuckle.
"That was magnificent!" exclaimed Pippin as he let his fork drop. Frodo, who had long finished eating, rose and began to collect the dishes, ready to clean up after his guests.
"What was? The meal or the belch?" asked Merry as he stood to help Frodo.
"I'd say both, wouldn't you?" said Pippin, who remained seated. Merry responded by dropping several dishes onto his lap and taking the rest into the kitchen.
"I was going to help!" Pippin called after him. "I just needed to rest a moment after such a splendid supper," he continued as he finally went to the kitchen.
"Now, now! You're my guest," said Frodo, as he took the dinnerware from him. "You two must leave the kitchen at once and have a seat in the drawing room."
Merry promptly snatched the dishes away from Frodo and took them to the sink. "And what kind of guests would we be to let our host toil away by himself?" he said, gesturing with a large soapy sponge.
Before Frodo could utter a rebuttal or steal the dishes back, the doorbell rang and all three hobbits froze. "Well, I wonder who that could be?" said Frodo. "Since you're so keen on washing up, you may start without me. I won't be half a minute."
And with that he disappeared down the hall. Merry tossed Pippin another sponge and Pippin sighed. "You just had to be polite, didn't you?" he said as he took a dish and began to scrub at it. "And look where it's got us. Frodo will be out chatting for the rest of the hour and we'll be in here slaving away like scullery maids."
"Mind you Frodo only had one serving of the shepherd's pie and you had three," Merry reminded Pippin.
"I'm a growing lad. I must be thoroughly fed!" said Pippin as he put down the sponge and reached for one of the dessert cakes. But Merry quickly whipped his hand with a rolled up towel and pushed another dirty dish at him.
"'Thoroughly fed' my left ear! If you keep eating like that you'll end up as big as your Great Aunt Lalia," Merry scolded jokingly.
"Now that's just rubbish, Merry," said Pippin, waving the sponge about to enhance his point. "You and I both know that-"
But his retort was cut off by Frodo's entrance. "Pippin, it appears you have a visitor," he said with a strange smirk on his cheerful face. Pippin remained dumbfounded until Frodo moved aside to reveal that the visitor was none other than Mundee, his new acquaintance. "She says you have something of hers. Is that true?" said Frodo while Merry quietly sneaked out of the kitchen.
"I don't know, do I?" asked Pippin, profoundly confused.
"I left my fishing rod and bucket in your room," said Mundee while fidgeting somewhat. "Also my clothes," she added sheepishly.
"Oh, dear! Will I have to chaperone you then?" chortled Frodo. Mundee deftly produced a packet out of her bag and handed it to Pippin; it was the shirt and britches he'd lent her earlier.
"She's right, I gave her some of my things to change into after she'd fallen into the Water," Pippin hurriedly explained to Frodo who looked beside himself with amusement. "You don't mind if I let her reclaim her effects, do you?"
"Well, I don't mind at all, but I'm afraid her father might if you take too long. He's waiting outside in a wagon," said Frodo pointing out the window.
Pippin looked for himself and found that Frodo was unfortunately correct. Mundee's grumpy father sat on the wagon checking his pocket-watch and tapping his foot impatiently. Pippin did not look forward to being yelled at again by the imposing older hobbit.
"Well, come on then," he said grabbing Mundee by the wrist. "Let's not tarry before your father comes in here to skin me."
Frodo shook his head as he watched Pippin drag the girl down the hall. He stepped into the drawing room to find Merry sitting in a far corner hiding behind the morning's newspaper. At Frodo's entrance, Merry lowered the newspaper and asked, "Is she gone?"
"Not quite, but I don't think you have anything to worry about," said Frodo as he took a seat on the sofa. "Our dashing young cousin has whisked her away to your room to return to her her clothes."
Merry grimaced and put the newspaper away. "I do hope this doesn't become a frequent occurrence. I know he's growing up, but this is much too fast... and much too irritating."
"And I'm sure nobody said the same of you when you were his age," said Frodo as he pulled out his pipe and tinderbox.
"Frodo, it's not at all the same!" said Merry as he leaped up and began to pace the room. "I know how to pick them. At least I have taste! At least I have-" He cut himself off before he revealed too much.
"At least you have what? Or who?" asked Frodo with a coy smile despite knowing well what the answer would be. Merry grinned and plopped down next to Frodo on the sofa. "Dear cousin," he said, draping one arm over Frodo's shoulders and using the other to take his pipe. "You labor under the illusion that you see and know more than the rest of us, but one day you will find that you are not the only one to see and know things."
And with that he stood up and walked out of the room, looking quite smug. Frodo sat bewildered for a moment before waking up and saying to himself, "Did he just leave with my best pipe?" He hopped up and chased after Merry.
"What a waste!" cried Mundee as she slammed the window shut.
"Careful! That's an antique!" said Pippin as he opened it back up. "Do you have any idea how upset Frodo would be if it shattered? How much it would cost him to replace it?"
"Who leaves his window open all day, anyway?" she continued to rant while kicking the empty bucket.
"I'm sorry I enjoy a fresh breeze," said Pippin with not some little amount of sarcasm. "And I'm sorry a cat stole your ONE TINY FISH."
"You do know a burglar could have climbed in and stolen all of your cousin's more important antiques," said Mundee waggling an admonishing finger in his face.
"Don't be silly," he said swatting the finger away. "The only burglar that ever came here left the Shire some twenty years ago and is probably having a grand adventure somewhere right now."
"Well, at least your room doesn't smell of fish," said Mundee ignoring Pippin's point, having no knowledge of Bilbo or of his past as a burglar. "It does smell, though," she added, pausing in the middle of the room to sniff.
Pippin used the pause to raise his arm and have a sniff for himself. No, though he certainly smelled Tookish, that was nothing new.
"It smells like... bacon," said Mundee finally. Pippin quickly lowered his arm as she spun around to face him.
"Well, that's simply absurd," said Pippin. "We didn't have any bacon for dinner or supper today. Clearly your nose is broken." He pinched her nose for effect, much like many an uncle had pinched his when he was growing up... and occasionally still did, unfortunately.
She brushed him off, and taking her things, made to leave, but not before adding, "All the same, I would do something about the smell if I were you." She disappeared down the hall and, after taking one last sniff, Pippin followed after her.
He led her to the great round door at the entrance and the two stood a moment in awkward silence.
"Well, good night, then... Diamond," Pippin said with a mischievous smile.
"Good night, Peregrin," replied Mundee, putting an equally cocky emphasis on his proper name.
"Well played! Mundee it is," he laughed as he ruffled her hair. She made a face and patted at her hair, but her expression quickly melted.
"Goodbye, Pippin," she said opening the door. She skipped away, and when she had almost gotten to the wagon, called out, "You should write me some time." She then climbed on and sidled up next to her grumpy father, who looked ready to unleash a monologue of great and terrible proportions. As the cart drove off, Pippin realized something crucial.
"But I haven't got your mailing address!" he shouted at the moving wagon. Mundee turned around and waved at him but said nothing else. He shrugged and stepped back inside, closing the door only to find Frodo and Merry standing right next to him. They seemed terribly pleased about something.
"Now just what is so entertaining?" he asked, although his tone was less confident than he'd hoped to sound.
"Nothing at all!" said Frodo as he walked off to his bedroom, shaking his head again.
"If you're done chasing skirt, Frodo and I were hoping the three of us could go for a small excursion tonight," said Merry as he walked backwards down the hall to their room. "But we'll understand if you're busy and can go without you. We three can go adventuring together another time."
"Don't you try that on me," cried Pippin as he raced down the hall, beating Merry to their room. "I'm coming with you whether you like it or no!"
Frodo came up to Merry all ready to go and the two shook hands as they watched their abysmally lazy cousin frantically pack his knapsack. Before they knew it he was pushing them out the door and urging them to hurry up. But as soon as they'd come to the road, he stopped and asked, "So, where are we going?"
The hobbits traveled aimlessly south on the road that led past Bywater and eventually connected with the East Road. Pippin began to whistle a cheerful tune just as they started to approach the Green Dragon, but Merry unexpectedly clamped a hand over his mouth. Pippin quickly wriggled out of his grip and sputtered much too loudly, "What was that for? Does my whistling hurt your ears that much?"
Frodo, who held the front of their little brigade, had kept marching ahead of them but now turned around at Pippin's exclamation and found Merry trying to hush him up.
"What is it now?" he said reproachfully as he retreated back to join them. "You know you two are getting a bit old to carry on like this."
"Oh, it's nothing. Pippin is simply overreacting, as always," said Merry as nonchalantly as he could. "Listen, why don't we get off the road and continue our trek along the Water?"
"Right, because you didn't get enough of the river earlier today," said Pippin. "And anyway, I thought we'd pop into the Green Dragon for a few drinks?"
"Right, because you didn't get enough of the Green Dragon earlier today," said Merry mockingly.
"Ah, but you can never get enough of the Green Dragon," laughed Pippin as he started heading towards the inn. But Merry pulled him back by the hood of his maroon cloak and said, "If we're going on an adventure, let's do just that and not make any long pit stops."
"You're being batty!" said Pippin as he tugged at his cloak. Frodo decided to speak up before a full out brawl ensued.
"While I agree that we should avoid wasting such a good night, I can't help but worry that that isn't your chief concern, Merry," he said pulling them apart. "You seem nervous. Is something the matter?"
"No, nothing, why would you- HIDE," Merry suddenly hissed as he ducked behind a large oak. Frodo and Pippin followed but felt silly hiding behind a tree from what was presumably nothing to fear.
"Would you be so kind to let us know who or what we are hiding from?" said Frodo as he watched Merry peek out from the side of the tree.
"Oh, never mind, it was a false alarm. It's only the Sackville-Bagginses," said Merry with a sigh of relief as he walked downhill towards the river.
"Only the Sackville-Bagginses? Oh, dear, this must be serious," said Frodo as he followed Merry while pulling along a disappointed Pippin who stared dejectedly back at the Green Dragon. "Do you mean to explain those strange bruises to us now?" added Frodo. Pippin perked up at the question.
"Well, this just got interesting," he said to himself as he ran ahead to catch up to Merry. "So all that about not wanting to have another drink was because you didn't want to run into whoever gave you that shiner?" he said pointing at Merry's black eye.
"I don't know what you're talking about," said Merry as he swatted away at Pippin. "I just took a tumble, that's all."
"Well, now I'm just offended! Surely you don't think we're that dim!" "Come, come, there's no hiding it now! You must tell us what happened!" Pippin and Frodo's barrage of nagging finally wore Merry down and he turned around sharply to face them.
"Well, if the truth must be out, then out it goes! But you must promise not to tell anyone." Pippin and Frodo both promised and then he went on. "Well, I suppose you know the miller's son, Ted-"
"Ted Sandyman did this to you? But how?" Frodo interrupted despite himself. He knew Ted was not one of the most pleasant persons in Hobbiton, but to attack such a genial fellow as Merry seemed downright unhobbitlike.
"He had a friend with him- nastier than even Ted. He went by the name of Ollie. Does that ring any bells?" Frodo thought a moment but shook his head; the name was neither familiar, nor could he think of anyone whose name could be shortened to that.
"Well, then he must not live in Hobbiton or Bywater or else Frodo would know him," remarked Pippin as he rubbed his chin in thought. "Perhaps he's a cousin or a friend of Ted's and came to visit him, just like we are visiting Frodo?"
"I suppose, but he did seem familiar. Ugly blighter that he was," said Merry while kicking a stone into the Water. "He certainly recognized me and seemed to have a vendetta, what's more!"
"But why? You don't even know him," said Pippin. "Besides, you're such a nice chap when you're not trying to strangle your friends or leave them to go spend time with young lady hobbits."
"Don't be so smart," said Merry in response to Pippin's cheeky grin. "I can't help it. Intelligence runs in the family," the other retorted snappily. But Frodo was deep in thought mulling over all the information he'd heard (and hadn't heard, as well).
"So by Pippin's comment, I can safely assume you were with Estella Bolger today?" said Frodo raising a point he knew Merry wouldn't like to address. For better or worse, the lad certainly didn't like to kiss and tell.
"Yes," Merry admitted with some difficulty. "We were feeding ducks at the Bywater Pool. If she hadn't been there, they'd have pummeled me far worse than this."
"I think if she hadn't been there, they wouldn't have pummeled you at all," said Frodo pointedly. "Think about bucks vying over a doe. It's that time of the year when hearts are inflamed. Even hobbits will go a little mad over a lass's affection."
"'When hearts are inflamed'? Sounds rather painful to me," laughed Pippin.
"You're probably right, Frodo," said Merry. "But no matter! Let's forget about my unfortunate story and enjoy the view," he added, gesturing at the star-speckled sky.
"Perhaps we may get an even better view at the Three Farthing Stone," Frodo suggested pointing south, where they could maybe see the large rock if they squinted.
"Oh, what a walk that will be! And my feet are already sore!" cried Pippin. "But aren't we going to do anything about these scoundrels that attacked Merry?"
"No!" shouted Merry. They were quite some distance away from any town or dwelling, walking through a vast field that ran alongside the river, so no one would be able to hear their conversation. "You shall do nothing and say less, as you promised!"
Frodo and Pippin quietly acquiesced, though neither could help but wonder whether justice could be attained somehow. They gave up trying to wheedle more information out of Merry and instead focused on enjoying the cool night air and the lovely sight above. It was a calm and peaceful evening, although occasionally they could hear two brazen reynards fighting over a vixen somewhere in the tall grass. The hobbits smiled at the real example of Frodo's earlier comments on love and aggression in springtime, though none said anything.
"Ah, here we are again," said Frodo as they finally reached the road, although now they were on the
Great East Road, a broader and older road than the small town roads that connected to it. "Back to the road, we go."
"Stay off the moors, lads! Keep to the road!" croaked Pippin imitating Merry's grandfather Rorimac Brandybuck, who used to tell all the young hobbits fantastic and frightening stories in his thick Buckland accent. The particular tale Pippin was quoting told of a great monstrous wolf that stalked two naughty lads who abandoned their chores at home and went adventuring on the moors during a full moon. Suffice it to say, both boys came to a grisly end and it was a rather odd story to tell children, but all who grew up on Old Rory's tales remembered them fondly.
"Fortunately for us, the moon is but a thin crescent tonight," said Frodo gazing at the waning moon, which cast a faint silver light about the road. "We shall remain unscathed for at least another month."
"Unless Pippin engages tall furry strangers on his trip to deliver sweets to his ill grandmother," said Merry darkly as he pulled Pippin's hood over his head, referencing another one of Old Rory's gruesome tales.
"Nonsense! Both of my grannies died before I was born," said Pippin as he climbed up the Three Farthing Stone, at which they had arrived without quite realizing it. "And anyway, I would be the huntsman in this story. Brave and ruggedly handsome!"
He posed dramatically on top of the rock while Merry and Frodo choked with laughter below. After wiping away the tears from their eyes, they climbed up and joined him. Though the rock was no more than eight feet tall, the view on top was magnificent. They could see the Shire stretch for miles on either side: rolling green hills in the South, flatter plains in the North, the Water winding like a silver ribbon from West to East, and little patches of woods scattered here and there. All three fell into a soft silence that matched the calm and easy quiet of their surroundings until they felt as if they'd disappeared into the landscape.
The hobbits were woken out of their reverie by bustling footsteps coming up the road. They lay flat on their stomachs and peered out carefully, making sure not to be seen. Though they didn't know who it was, they knew for certain it was someone larger than a hobbit. To their relief, when the source of the sound stepped under the moonlight, they could see it was no orc or wild-man, but a Dwarf and a worried, hasty-looking one at that.
"Hail Master Dwarf!" called Frodo as he stood up on the rock in a proud but welcoming posture. "What brings you to our sleeping land so late at night?"
The Dwarf jumped in fright at the sudden loud voice that seemed to come from nowhere, but eased up as soon as he turned about and saw the three curious and cheerful hobbits perched upon the rock.
"Young Master Halfling has quite a greeting for strangers in his land," he said in a deep but warm voice. "Nearly jumped out of my skin! I thought perhaps I'd been spotted by an Elf lord or a wizard."
"Our Frodo Baggins, an Elf lord?" "Or a wizard?" Merry and Pippin exchanged disbelieving looks and chuckled at the thought.
"Frodo Baggins, is it? Would you by any chance be related to the famous burglar, Bilbo Baggins?" asked the Dwarf. Now very interested in speaking with him, Frodo climbed down and approached the Dwarf so as not to be shouting at him from high up, which anyone would find discourteous and certainly a Dwarf.
"I am his nephew... well, cousin, really. These two silly fellows are also my cousins, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took," said Frodo gesturing up at Merry and Pippin, who remained on the rock and now pulled out their smoking pipes. "But tell me now about yourself and about Bilbo. How do you know him and have you seen him of late?"
"I am Magan, son of Dagan of the Lonely Mountain," said the Dwarf named Magan, bowing low. "As for your kinsman, I did indeed meet him, but that was once and many years ago. More than a decade ago he came to Dale and paid a visit to the Lonely Mountain, where I had settled some time after the great Battle of the Five Armies. I do not know where he traveled after he left our country, but it was a wise decision that I must follow now."
Magan suddenly grew quiet and after looking about from side to side, he drew closer to Frodo and continued his tale in a hushed whisper.
"The horizon grows dark from nearly all sides. The cruel Easterlings on one side are up to something and orcs on the other are getting bolder all the time. Worse still, I've heard tell of terrible trouble brewing away in the South, in the Black Land of which I dare not speak further.
"For my part, the final straw came most recently when foul messengers from that ghastly place arrived in Dale to ask some questions of the king. I do not know what Brand's response was, but for better or ill I decided I would not be there when we all faced the consequences of that answer."
The hobbits digested this news in silence and felt uneasy at the severity of the situation. Magan continued in a more cheerful tone, "But do not fret. I am sure your Bilbo is fine wherever he is now. He was a sturdy old hobbit when I met him, and I am sure you will meet again. As for myself, I go off to join my kin at the Blue Mountains."
"We thank you for the news and wish you luck in your journey," said Frodo with a polite little bow of the head. Magan nodded in return and started to walk off again, but tracked back and quietly said to Frodo, "I must warn you, that red-hooded one smells of bacon. A Dwarf's nose never lies." Waving at the trio as he headed down the road in truth, he called "Farewell, young halflings! May we meet again in safer times!"
The hobbits waved back and called out farewells, though Pippin secretly sniffed under his arm and grumbled that he couldn't smell anything. Frodo and Merry chuckled but ignored his worries and chose to interpret Magan's comment as Dwarf humor, strange as it is.
The three decided to call it a night and head back to Bag End, crossing through the field as they did before. Pippin hummed the tune to Bilbo's "Walking Song," only bothering to softly sing the line "and then to bed". Where normally Merry would tease him for his laziness, he too felt the pull on his eyelids, having endured a long and tiring day. Only Frodo remained fresh of spirit and urged them not to lag behind lest Old Rory's wolf-beast should get them.
Pippin blew a raspberry at Frodo, but suddenly stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a howl in the distance. The other two stopped as well and exchanged frightened glances. Pippin shook his head as if it couldn't possibly be what they were thinking it was and they all continued walking.
They kept on going without an incident until they were quite close to Bywater, at which point they heard a noise that sounded much nearer than the previous howl. Something was running in the dark behind them and it was getting ever closer. Pippin let out a tiny shriek and hid behind Merry, crying out, "Oh, save me Meriadoc! The Monster is surely coming for me! I left home to go adventuring with you without having cleaned my room and now I will surely be eaten for it!"
"Nonsense, there's no such thing as monsters," said Merry pushing Pippin away, although his shaky voice betrayed his own fear.
Pippin now ran to hide behind Frodo, who did not push him away but only laughed when the "beast" came out into the light. It was the rat-like little dog that belonged to Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. She'd had it specially bred to be small enough to carry around in a purse and named it Darling.
"So it seems we cannot hide from the S.B.'s twice in one night," said Frodo as he bent down to pick up the runaway runt, who was much more charming than her owner and licked Frodo's hands. "I suppose I'll have to return you tomorrow, won't I? I'll have to speak with your awful mummy, I fear."
"There's your big Monster, Pip," laughed Merry as he condescendingly patted Pippin on the shoulder and started walking off again. Yet Pippin remained unnerved and continued to glance back behind him as he followed after his cousins.
His wariness proved to have good cause as one by one, increasingly larger dogs began to run out of yards and follow the group. Lost for words, Pippin only managed to tap Merry on the shoulder and stammer out, "D-d-dogs!"
"Oh, what is it now?" said Merry, frustrated to be bothered when they were so close to home. He turned around only to see Pippin surrounded by seven hungry-looking dogs that were several times bigger than Darling. "Frodo, it would appear we have a situation."
Frodo turned around and blanched with fear, still remembering his days as a vegetable-thieving youth who was chased out of Farmer Maggot's field by his terrifying dogs. Even Lobelia's little pet trembled... although it did that fairly often, even when it wasn't cold or afraid.
Merry decided to take action and use a trick he often played on his own dog at Brandy Hall. He picked up a small branch and shook it at the dogs. "Do you want this? Do you want to catch it? Then go it!" he shouted as he pretended to throw the branch. The trick worked and the dogs ran away into the darkness in search of the branch that wasn't thrown.
"Let's go before they realize I didn't throw anything!" he said as he pulled Pippin up the road.
The three flew with haste they hadn't known half an hour ago, but soon enough the dogs were back on their heels, with new friends joining them. They barked and howled and probably woke up the entire neighborhood, though no one cared to see what was happening outside as the local hobbits deemed it too late an hour for curiosity. The dogs almost had Pippin, who always walked and ran slowest regardless of the urgency of any circumstance, but the hobbits finally reached Bag End and managed to shut the door despite the gaggle of mutts struggling to get in.
They heaved a sigh of relief, hung their cloaks on the wooden pegs by the door, and without many more words made for bed. Merry sat on his bed reading an old genealogy table; it was just the sort of thing that would calm him down and put him to sleep. Pippin was still dressed in his adventuring clothes and was emptying his satchel of its contents, while Darling, who'd crept into the room after them, hopped around on the bed pawing at the bag.
"Aha!" he suddenly cried, waking Merry up just as he had started to doze off.
"What is it? Did the dogs get in?" he said as he jumped up, ready to fly again.
"Only one," said Pippin as he put Darling down on the floor, where she continued to jump and whine. "But I think I know why those dogs were after me!"
He pulled out the last of the bag's contents, which were several fat strips of bacon. He threw the bacon out the door and Darling ran after in a frantic hurry.
"This is Sam paying me back for eating his lunch earlier," said Pippin as he sniffed his bag, which still vaguely smelled of bacon. It would take several intense washings before it would stop attracting local wildlife.
"Well, then it serves you right," said Merry as he slipped into bed. "You should never get in the way of a hobbit and his meal. And anyway, you really ought to treat Sam better than that. Our dear Frodo is changing and one day he'll get the urge to slip away from the Shire once and for all."
"Do you really think so?" asked Pippin as he finally lay down.
"I know it for a fact," said Merry. "Though he doesn't have a plan yet, he will eventually and then we will need Sam to be on our side and keep us in the loop. So if you don't want to lose Frodo forever without so much as 'good bye,' you'll kindly stop stealing his gardener's lunches."
With that he blew out the candle and the two went to sleep. The rest of the week was peaceful and fairly uneventful. The hobbits slept late, dallied about all day eating and smoking, and explored the countryside at night. Thankfully, Pippin left his smelly satchel at home and carried absolute necessities in his pockets.
By Sunday night, Merry and Pippin were packing to visit other parts of the Shire, and though they begged Frodo to come with them, he insisted he had business to see to at home. He promised he'd visit them at Brandy Hall for the Master's 77th birthday party, but they would have to wait at least another month. So with a fond farewell, Merry and Pippin left Frodo at Bag End and headed East for Budgeford.
Thanks for reading and, as always, please review if you enjoyed it!