You Just Have To Get Used To It
There's Not A Lot That I Feel Obliged To Share Or Talk About
Justin's POV
I fall off the couch as I hear someone knocking on my door. Who could it be? Jimmy? Nah, I payed him two weeks ago, I think...Either way, my head is pounding loudly and I try to walk in a straight line with little success. I hold onto the wall for support, knocking things over as I go. Finally, I get to the door.
Who would it be other than Melanie and the guys? Melanie, of course, is in the front of all of them, with Josh to the left of her. I'm only holding the door open a crack, because firstly, I don't want them to see what's become of me, and secondly, my apartment is a mess and though it's obvious, my inner self-conscious mind doesn't want anyone to know that I turn out to be a messy person.
"Hi, Justin." Melanie said, with a look that reminds me of my mom when I moved out and went to live with Josh and other assorted girlfriends. Glasses? When did Melanie get glasses? How long have I been here?
"Hi." I reply, sidetracked by my thoughts about everything.
"You don't look so great." Mel said.
"Why thanks." I said, my tone dripping in sarcasm. I'm starting to regret not answering the door and hiding out under my rock, my safe haven. The reminder of my ever-dropping faith in the human species is evident, because Mel looks sort of reserved right about now, trying to say the right phrase to get me to open the door.
"Can we come inside?" she asked. Hmmm. Is this the human equivalent of "open sesame?"
"You can, I'll talk to the others in a second." I just don't think I have the capacity to discuss matters that involve myself, my life, and possibly Liz, with more than one person at the moment. I opened the door a little bit wider to let her inside and closed the door behind me, locking it in five different ways. Can you tell that paranoia has worn on my brain?
She's hiding her shock quite well. I guess Liz being gone has changed her too. Her best friend just disappeared without saying a word; I would be upset too. But then again, she was more than that for me, but at the same time, Mel has known Liz for a longer period than I have. What kind of a hole could that rip out of someone, it would have to be much larger than the one ripped out of me.
So I feel bad for her too. That's probably the reason I let her inside.
I picked up some empty beer bottles and put them on the kitchen counter; Mel still wears that same mom look that I want desperately to disappear. "You can sit down on the couch if you want. There's a few chairs in the kitchen, too. Sit where you want, I don't care." My voice was cracking, because I realize that my evergrowing lack of existing seems to depress people. I wish I could apologize for that, but I can't.
After standing up and staring at me for a moment, she sits down on the couch. I decide to sit down in one of the kitchen chairs and I drag it out to the living room, making a loud sound due to the rubbing of tile and wood. I hate the noise, because it just hurts my head even more, so I carry it over to the right of the couch.
"Liz told me to come and make sure you were okay."
I bit my lip. Of course, nobody worries about me. And of course, she's talking to Mel but not me. It's my ex who left me here to die just to make sure that I actually did die that shakes the balance. I really want to run outside and just keep running, away from where everyone can bother me and talk about Liz, Liz, Liz, and all my stupid problems and deficiencies. I feel a lump in my throat and I just want to stop talking and watch a movie or something.
"Listen, I didn't just come out for her sake. I came out because after what happened..." she pauses, proving my gaping-hole theory once again. "Both of you went MIA and nobody knows what happened."
"Stop. Just stop." I said, anger helping me regain audibility. "You know exactly what happened and you know exactly what I'm doing and you know exactly what she's doing. What is there left to figure out? There's nothing more to tell. So please tell me what you're doing here, because I have a life to waste."
There was a long silence, but Melanie finally figured out something to say. "I'm worried about the both of you, Justin. Liz is dazed and confused and you're holed up in here like the apocalypse is tomorrow."
"The apocalypse already happened, Mel. I'm just here trying to figure out where it all went wrong."
She sighed, knowing that I'm a lost cause and it was no use in trying to change my ways. None of us ever really change, so why bother, right? "I guess I'll let you out." I said, standing up and walking towards the door. But she actually walked towards me and hugged me. I'm not quite sure the exact reason, but I have my thoughts. They're the only things that have stayed with me this long.
But when you think about it, Mel and I are the only ones who really knew Liz that well. Mel knew her entire life and was her best friend 'till the end, and still is, I guess. For me, she was everything. The "one", who the fuck knows. But I know that she was just about everything I could think of in a person and she didn't hate me that much (then). She actually tried, and it's all my fucking fault she's not here today.
I unlocked the door for her and locked it back before anyone else could get in. And as I sunk to the floor, I thought of fucking up my heart so it would never beat again. It was comforting.
Because it was not just for me, but for anyone. Everyone, in fact. Why fix the problem when you can just destroy it?
I walked over to the fridge and poured myself a glass of Scotch.
"LET ME IN, JUSTIN!" Josh shouted at the door.
I lifted the glass and looked back at the door. "This is just me getting used to it." I told myself, and for the first time in three weeks, I had been eager for something to come of something else.