Song: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri
Lyrics belong to Christina Perri and recognizable characters and HP-verse belong to Rowling.
Heart-stopping. Gut-churning. Shiver-inducing.
Her face flushed red. Her head was spinning.
Why was he here?
"Olivia—"
"No." she cut off Remus before he could say anything else. "What is he doing here?"
"This is his family's house. He's…given it to the Order as a headquarters."
"That was probably something you should have told me." she muttered as she found her gaze transfixed upon the gaunt man sitting at the kitchen table. He had yet to notice her presence.
"Would you have come?"
"No."
"Olivia—"
Remus had said her name one time too many. The decrepit man looked up sharply at her name. His eyes widened as his gaze fell upon her; stumbling, he stood from the table.
"Olivia." he breathed.
I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
She turned from him.
He looked the same as he had on the wanted posters that had tormented her.
Mad. Crazy. Insane.
The stark white of his eyes against the broken grey of his pupil nearly broke her.
He wanted her to come to his side. As if she had forgotten what he had done thirteen years ago. But she had not and so she could not.
"Olivia, please—"
His plea was cut off by the door to the dinning room swinging shut behind her.
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
She couldn't do this again. She was halfway to the front door by the time he reached her.
"Liv, wait—"
His fingers ghosted against her shoulder and she whorled around to face him. His fingers were cold to the touch.
"Don't touch me." she snapped.
His bony arm fell to his side.
"How could I have been so stupid as to believe I would never to have to see you again?" she muttered to herself. "You were supposed to waste away in there. And then you…you escaped and I—" she cut herself off, not wanting to expose too much to him.
"Liv…you…you…" he sighed, "You look good."
She rolled her eyes in anger. "You don't." It was true. She couldn't fathom that the thin, tired, haunted man before her was the same handsome boy she once knew.
"Liv, don't—"
You lost the love I loved the most
"Don't what? Don't tell you the truth? What are you doing, Sirius? Go back into the kitchen and leave me alone."
"I can't."
"And why not?"
"Because I lov—"
Out of reflex, her hand flew out and slapped him across the face. "Don't you dare."
"Liv—"
"You ruined everything, Sirius." she hissed. "You don't get to come back and tell me that you lo—" she couldn't even whisper the lie that he had dared to try and pass off of his lips. "You don't get to tell me lies and expect everything to be okay. You're the one that ruined us."
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
"Olivia, please. I can't—"
"I moved on, Sirius."
He drew back from her, "There's…there's someone else?" Surprise was written across his face. Had he known of the irreplaceable hold he once held over her heart or was it just arrogance? Was it just incredulity that she had found someone she loved more?
"Well…no. But there could be. It's…it's been thirteen years. I'm over you."
"You can't expect me to believe that you don't love me anymore."
"I didn't say that." she mumbled. "Sirius…why…why can't you just let me live the rest of my life? I can live without you now. It hurts, okay? Is that what you want to know? It hurts knowing that I wasn't good enough to keep you…entertained. It hurts everyday and I don't think I'll ever get over that. I don't need you standing there telling me lies and making me feel things that I…that I'm trying to get over!"
"I don't…I don't want to hurt you. I just…I need another chance, Olivia."
"You're not getting one."
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
She landed in a sobbing heap on her living room floor.
How could he does this to her?
She spoke to him for only a few minutes. She felt his touch for only a second.
How was it that with such little interaction that he ripped open the scar on her heart?
The gaping, pulsating hole in her chest was burning; it was tormenting her with everything she could never have.
It had been years! Years and years and yet still, she loved him.
He had cheated and she loved him.
He threw away everything and she loved him.
Still! Still! For all of these years, she couldn't let him go.
She had managed to quell her heart's furious demands when he was in Azkaban because they could never be, with him locked away behind those daunting walls. He was a known murderer, a traitor to his best friends and she loved him still.
When he escaped, she had to fight night and day to ignore the calls of her heart to find him. He was dangerous; he was a killer but her heart called for him none the less.
She wanted nothing more than to be rid of him and yet somehow he was back in her life.
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
He never cared about her.
It was simple as that.
Sirius had so carelessly and so easily thrown away everything they had ever had together. Clearly, she had meant nothing. Clearly, she had not mattered.
Sirius Black cared only for himself. No one else mattered. He was about personal gratification.
Get in. Get out.
He did not care how many shattered hearts he left in his wake.
So don't come back for me
The sane dreams plagued her as they had since he left. The same haunting dreams that ruined her sleep and made her awake shivering and shuddering.
He is calling for her. She can't see his face but she can hear his voice—the voice she'd recognized anywhere. In the darkness that surrounded her, the only thing she saw a hand reaching out.
The veins showed heavily on the pale skin; the bones and knuckles jutted sharply underneath the thin skin. He kept calling out her name. Then his face appeared.
Hollowed out eyes staring at her from the darkness. Eyes empty of all emotion. Just staring at her.
And the hand is still reaching out toward her but she does not know if it is reaching out for help or to help her.
Either way, she is helpless to move—helpless to grasp the hand.
Who do you think you are
"Liv? Liv, wake up. It's just a dream."
She opened her eyes slowly, blinking to adjust to the light.
"Liv?" he asked quietly. "You fell asleep in the kitchen."
She was still dazed from her dream. Olivia could feel his warm hands on her shoulders but didn't think much about it as she tried to wake up completely.
"Olivia." his voice was sweet and tender, as if he was trying to coax her.
In the wake of her dream, she forgot him. She forgot what he had done. Wrenching out of his grip, she pushed away from the table.
"Liv—"
"Stay away from me." she hissed.
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
"He talks about you." Remus informed her.
"Am I supposed to care?" she said bitterly.
"First thing he asked me when we met up again was if I knew where you were. He wanted to talk to you. He wanted to find you. I had to talk him out of it—I figured you would've turned him in."
Olivia quipped, "I'm still considering it."
Remus gave her a knowing look, "Liv, I know you're hurt—"
"Of course I'm hurt!" she hissed. "He cheated on me so many times—"
"I just think you should give him a chance—"
"A chance to what? Cheat on me again?"
"He was under a lot of pressure."
"That's a fucking excuse—"
"No its not, Olivia!" he said loudly, starting to get annoyed by her stubbornness. "He was their Secret Keeper. But he was scared. He didn't trust himself. He thought he was going to fail them. Every day! He…The pressure got to him. Sirius was afraid of letting them down."
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
And learn to live half alive
She had not know about the pressure Sirius was under. He was entrusted with his friends' lives. She wasn't sure if that should matter.
Sirius didn't tell her about how scared he was feeling because he was trying to protect her. He thought he was going to lose her so he pushed her away.
But should that matter to her? She had years to get over him. Years to forget his scent and his touch. And the way he smiled at her. The way he held her.
Forgotten. All of it. Pushed back to the deepest and darkest recesses of her mind where the memories would not plague her.
She was not better off without him. Olivia's life was not better without him. Whatever life she did have was nowhere near the equivalent of her life with him.
But she could not go back.
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
"I can't."
"He had thirteen years to repent, Olivia. He made a mistake."
"Yes, a mistake. The same mistake over and over and over with who knows how many girls! In our bed! After it was over, I was left to wonder how many girls traipsed through our apartment."
"Liv—"
"I'm just supposed to accept what he did?"
"He's sorry, Liv."
"I'm sorry too! I'm sorry that I ever trusted him!"
"Liv," Remus cupped her face gently in his hands, "I know you're hurt and you want to keep him away. But you have to let this go. You guys were given a second chance."
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Movement in the doorway caught their attention. With his hands still on her face, Remus and Olivia turned to look, only to find Sirius staring at them incredulous.
His hands were clenched at his sides and he opened his mouth to speak once, twice before closing his mouth and stomping away.
Sharing a look, Liv and Remus quickly followed him.
Who do you think you are
Sirius started in on them the moment the kitchen door closed behind them, "So how long did it take for you to move in on her, my friend?" Sirius hissed.
Remus shook his head, "Sirius—"
"No, come on! I've always known that you were in love with her. Come on! Tell me! How long did it take! A few years? Months? Weeks? Or was it days after? Well?"
"That's enough, Sirius!" she broke in to the argument.
"Why? He broke the code. Friends don't date friend's—"
"Even if we were together, Sirius, and we aren't, it wouldn't be any of your business! You ruined things. And I deserve to be happy!"
"But you can't be! Not without me!"
"You're so arrogant, it's—!"
"Liv, I just…I know there's no one else better for me!"
"But what about me, Sirius? What if there's someone better for me?" she hissed.
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
She was finishing a cup of tea when she heard the door open behind her.
"I'm sorry about what I said yesterday about you and Remus." he murmured.
She sighed, having hoped that she would not have to see him today.
Liv placed the empty glass in the sink and turned to walk past him.
"Liv, wait , please—" he grabbed her hand and pulled her back.
"Sirius—"
Before she could protest, he kissed her.
Every memory that she had locked away came flooding back into her mind and fried her senses. She moved without thinking, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him close, and threading her fingers through his hair.
His lips were soft and gentle, moving against hers as they always had. She had missed him so much.
Sirius pulled away and whispered, "Liv."
But that was enough to remind her. She shoved him away and moved quickly toward the door, whispering "oh god" over and over.
The desperation leaked out of his tone. "Liv, wait—"
"No!" she said with a quivering voice. "Just tell me why do you want to keep hurting me, Sirius?"
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
She pushed through the swinging kitchen door, hoping to get away from him, but he gave chase.
"Wait, Olivia, I'm sorry!"
"You keep saying that and it doesn't mean anything anymore!"
"Liv, I just…I miss you." Sirius said sadly.
"And I miss not being in pain every day. I wish I could go back and never meet you."
"You don't mean that!"
"Yes, I do! I don't deserve to be hurt!"
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
"I know, I know." Sirius shook his head, "I didn't mean to—"
"You just come back and expect me to fall at your feet as if you didn't do anything wrong! I can't— No! Things can't be the same!"
"Why not?" he yelled. "I'm sorry! I made mistakes! And letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever done!"
"Because I can't trust you. Never again."
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
"You make me do stupid things, Liv."
"So this is my fault?" she yelled. "You—"
"No, no! I wasn't talking about that. I meant…when I first escaped, I tried to find you. I…I went to the apartment. It was stupid; you had no reason to stay there. I went to the Leaky Cauldron…and you were there with Remus—"
"You could've been caught." she shook her head at him.
"I just wanted to see you." he said quietly.
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
She was hiding from him. Olivia did not even bother pretend she wasn't. She could not face him. She wasn't sure she could handle it.
Her fingers gently twisted the chain that lay around her neck. She had gone to the apartment after he had been caught. The black box was something she had just stumbled upon when looking through the drawers.
It was proof that he loved her. Ever she had found it, she had not taken it off; she had threaded it on a chain and kept it around always.
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Olivia could protest as much as she wanted.
She was in love with Sirius Black. No matter how hard she had tried to let go, she could not. Olivia could not forget him. She had tried to preserve her heart by putting it away in a little jar on the shelf; she tried protecting it by putting away her feelings. But it did not work.
Sirius Black was the one man who could unravel her. Olivia found she did not mind.
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
"What are you talking about?" Her heart was thumping loudly in her ears. He was being crazy.
Sirius shrugged, "Harry needs me."
"You can't leave." Liv shook her head.
"I have to…he's…he's all I have left and he needs me."
"Sirius—"
"Olivia, I have to go. I don't have time to—"
"Time to argue? Time to explain? Trust me, Sirius, I'm well aware that you don't like to explain."
"That's not fair."
"I'm sorry I'm not being fair; it's quite terrible of me to be unfair to you since you cheated on me and all!"
"Olivia—"
"All you had to do was tell me you didn't love me anymore, Sirius. That was it. 'I don't love you.' That's all. Just…just four words and you would've been free to fuck anyone you wanted. But even that was too much for you."
"It wasn't like that!"
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does! It matters. It matters to me, more than anything. I didn't stop loving you. I never stopped loving you."
"You proved that."
"Olivia—"
"This wouldn't have been so bad if you just told me you didn't love me. The truth is all it would've taken. Then you would've been free."
"I didn't want to be free! I didn't want to be without you! I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life! I wanted to wake up in the morning with you by the side and just…" his voice lowered, losing the desperate tone his voice had adopted, "I wanted to be everything for you. I wanted to think—"
"But you didn't think. You didn't think about me. You didn't care about me. You cheated and then you got yourself arrested and you left me alone! I needed you—"
"I tried to get you to take me back and you didn't!"
"Did you think I would? How could I? You were sleeping with any woman you could! How could I even look at you? Being alone was better than constantly wondering why I wasn't good enough! It was better than wondering how you could've left me so alone!"
"Olivia—"
"Just go!" she screamed. "Go save Harry! He needs you. I don't. Not anymore."
"Liv—"
"I'll see you when you come back. I want to be there when everyone yells you at for being stupid enough to leave Headquarters." she turned her back on him and furiously whipped the welling tears out of her eyes.
She heard his heavy footfalls lead away from her and toward the door. Then suddenly his arms wrapped around her, pinning her arms down. She didn't have it in her to fight him.
"Olivia," his breath was warm on her ear. "Liv, I…I have been in love with you every single day of my life since I was sixteen. And for every single one of those days, I knew I never deserved you and I lived in fear of you figuring that out. I cheated on you because I am a selfish bastard and I was too proud to tell you how afraid I was. You can hate me all you want. You can wish me never met, but know that every day I was with you I was never happier. I have always been in love with you and I will always love you. You may feel alone and I know it may not mean anything to you at all but just know that you are never really alone. I will always be with you."
He pressed his lips against her cheek and she shivered at his touch. Once again, his footsteps led away from her. The door closed behind him.
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
There was an unsettling feeling in her heart. She felt empty and alone. The ring was cold against her chest. Olivia was afraid. She had never been so scared in her life. To see him walk out the door felt like a knife was been stabbed and twisted into her gut.
Don't come back for me
She waited anxiously in the kitchen for the first sign of news. Olivia jumped at every noise that the old house made, thinking it was him returning to her.
Finally, after all of these years of waiting and pain, they were going to be together. Finally.
The kitchen door swung open; Olivia got to her feet and smiled, thinking it was Sirius.
Instead, it was Remus looking tired and exhausted.
"Remus?" she asked quietly. "Where's Sirius?"
Don't come back at all
The man hesitated.
"Remus, what's going on?" she demanded as her heart thumped harder.
"Liv—" he began slowly.
"What happened? Where is he?" There was an unsettling twisting in her gut.
"Liv, he's—"
Who do you think you are?
"Liv, he was fighting…protecting Harry and he…" Remus sighed, "Bellatrix hit him with the Killing Curse."
"No." Liv shook her head as tears welled in her eyes. "No! Why…why are you lying to me, Remus?"
"I wish I was, Olivia—"
"No!" she screamed as she began to sob. "He can't be. He can't be!"
Who do you think you are?
It was classic of him. She should have expected it.
He had her right where he wanted her.
She had forgiven him, somehow. And now he was gone.
"How could he have left me all alone, Remus? He…he said I would never be alone and…and now…I am. I love him; I don't know how to not love him. What am I supposed to do, Remus?"
Remus didn't have an answer.
Who do you think you are?
He was gone. He had gone and left her alone yet again with nothing but a cold and empty space beside her in bed.
She lay awake at night with his parting words rebounding in her head.
I will always be with you.
I will always be with you.
I will always be with you.
Except now he wasn't and all she had left of him was her memories of their time together and a cold ring that held promises of what could never be.
She had let him in again and he had let her down.
Despite his insistences that she would never be alone, he was gone and she left yet again with an aching heart.
I will always be with you.
I will always be with you.
I will always be with you.