Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns all characters related to Twilight. No infringement intended.
"History teaches us the mistakes we are going to make." ~Author Unknown
I was so lost in thought that I forgot that Bella was actually riding on my back and jumped straight over the river on the property.
"Shit, Jasper!" Bella screamed.
With a soft thud, I came to an abrupt halt on the other side of the river.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot that you were attached to me. I'm not used to having humans ride on my back…" I looked at her with an apology in my eyes.
"Jasper, its fine. That was totally fucking awesome! Fuckward would have never done something like that with me. He always thought I was too fragile. When can we do it again?" she asked me. I had the distinct impression that she trying to make me feel better about my mistake.
"Darlin', what is it with all these cuss words in the last hour?" I looked at her quizzically. She just laughed.
"Jasper, there are a lot of things you don't know about me since we have never really had the chance to get to know each other. It's a pity actually, you're part of the family too," she replied solemnly.
"Darlin', as much as I would love to agree with you, I have to agree with Edward on this matter. Spending time with me is dangerous given my upbringing," I replied gently. I knew how she felt about the subject with the confrontation from the house earlier.
"Hop on, again," I instructed her. "We are still not far enough out of hearing range from the rest of the family." She jumped on and I hauled ass, eager to put more distance between us and the family. This was a private conversation and I didn't want anyone to overhear. It's not that I didn't trust my family, but I just didn't trust Edward.
After another ten minutes of running, I slowed to a human pace. I wanted to show Bella where I went when I was struggling within myself. When I needed to center myself, I came here to this spot just south of the boundary line with the Quileute tribe.
"Jasper, where are we?" Bella asked softly.
"This is where I find my solitude. When I need to get my thoughts and feelings together, this is where I come." I explained.
"It's beautiful here. I can see why you would get some sort of peace from the emotional turmoil," she said tenderly.
"Yeah…" I responded, becoming suddenly aware that I didn't know what to say next.
We stood there overlooking The Olympic National Forest. The silence was a pleasant contrast to the chaos that was back at the house.
"Jasper?" Bella probed.
"Hmm," I responded.
"I don't blame you for what happened at my birthday party. I just wanted you to know that," she said quietly.
"Thank you for sayin' that. It is very much appreciated." I wanted to believe the sincerity of her words but I just couldn't. I couldn't understand how she had forgiven me so easily for my threat on her life.
Again, the silence ensued. It was so peaceful looking out into the forest. Bella's steady heartbeat was soothing to my shattered soul. It was one of those times that I wished I was human again. Over the years my gift had become a burden. I had gotten tired of feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I couldn't differentiate between the emotions of others and my own anymore. My eternity had become my own personal hell.
I fought every day to control my thirst; sometimes even hunting two or more times a day once Bella had become a regular visitor to our home. Here we stood though, mere inches from each other and there was nothing. No thirst, no burn, and nothing but the blissful absence of bloodlust. I wondered to myself why I wasn't feeling the bloodlust so close to her.
"Jasper, I wanted to talk to you about something," Bella finally said, breaking the silence. "I really wanted to ask what your past was like. I know Rosalie's, but Edward never explained to me about yours. He said it was too gruesome for me to know," It wasn't a surprise to me that she didn't know about my history. I had figured a long time ago that Edward would never tell her about my past.
"Bella, I have never been one to shy away from my past. If ya wanted to know, ya could have just asked," I stated.
"With Edward, I never really had the chance. I'm asking now though," she answered quickly.
"Darlin', where would ya like me to start…" I trailed off.
"Start at the beginning. I'm curious about you as a human, not as a vampire."
We walked over to a huge boulder that was sitting on the edge of a cliff, and sat down. I explained to her that most of my human memories had come from research I had done over the years. Then, I told her about Maria and the Southern wars, explaining that my role was to train the newborns.
Eventually, I had come to the story about Peter and Charlotte. Bella's interest peaked as I described the people who were my first family after my change.
"Where are Peter and Charlotte now?" she asked.
"Galveston, Texas," I answered promptly. "They were nomads most of their life until they decided to finally settle down in one place."
"That's where you were changed though. Why would they want to go back there?" she questioned, radiating curiosity.
"Peter is actually from the area. That is where I found and sired him," I replied.
"So, returned to his roots," she said, nodding her head. "Isn't that something that you have thought about doing? Clearly, this lifestyle is a struggle for you," she said stating the obvious. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think that being a 'vegetarian' really suits you. You're the Major, for Christ's sake."
"Bella, I'm not like that anymore," pausing as I tried to search for the right words to explain why I didn't live like Peter and Char. "For almost a century, it was easy for me give into impulse. Naturally for us, human blood is our food source but with the heightened emotions, it becomes that much more tempting," I paused again, struggling to find the words. "When fear is present in a human, the adrenaline enriches the smell of the blood. It makes the prey much more attractive. What I felt from each of my prey, it became disturbin' when I lived that life. As time went on, the more I would fall victim to my own depression. " I explained.
"You don't see me as prey, do you?" she questioned me.
"Naturally I should, but no, Bella I don't. I apologize Darlin'," I didn't mean for her to feel as though I was directing any of this specifically towards her. "When I met Alice, she told me there was a different way of life. She explained to me about the Cullens and their 'vegetarian' diet." I continued on, lost in my explanation. "When we finally found them, I knew that this was the change in my life I was lookin' for. This was a way for me to not feel the emotions of my prey. It was rough at first, but after a few decades it became easier. Now, don't get me wrong Darlin' I do slip up from time to time…" I glanced at her from the peripheral vision and barred my teeth.
"Jasper, that was really inconsiderate of you since I'm still human…" she giggled. "But not for long…" she whispered, lost in her thoughts.
I was becoming increasingly worried that she was going to do something drastic so she could spend an eternity with Edward. I could see beyond this little act that she put up today, and knew she was hurt. I could feel her pain and longing.
"It's nothing you need to worry about. Maybe I'll see you in another hundred years or so," she joked playfully. "About Peter and Charlotte, do you think that maybe I could meet them?" she asked innocently. I felt her curiosity spike again.
"Why would you want to meet them? They are human drinkers after all."
I had subconsciously inched my way back to Bella. I would regret for the rest of my existence that I had almost ended her life, all I wanted to do now was protect her. The thought of her meeting Peter and Char was preposterous right now.
"Jasper, did I fear the Cullens when I found out what they were?" she asked me.
"I am a Cullen, Bella. Ya talk as though we are part of ya past," I wanted to know what she was thinking and for once I wanted Edward to be able to read her mind. She was clearly planning something and her interest in Peter and Char it had me concerned.
"You are not a Cullen, Jasper. You are a Whitlock, plain and simple. You may have been with them for decades and you wear that crest…" she said while pointing to my wrist. "But you are and always have been a Whitlock." she stated. Normally, I considered myself a Whitlock as part of my past; I was a Cullen now. Bella was stirring up feelings and emotions that I had buried for decades. The monster inside me which had raged at Edward tonight was taking me back to my past. I stood there staring at her like she had just grown another head.
"Bella, you don't know what you're saying about me…" Frustrated at her accusations, I turned and looked back out into the distance. "I've tried for decades to change myself. During the Southern Wars, I was a Whitlock. Then, I found a different way of life. For more than a decade, I felt nothing. I was wandering around like I was some sort of lost puppy. I met Alice and things changed for me. The day I showed up here at the Cullen's doorstep was the day I finally found acceptance within myself," I stated as I continued to look far off into the distance.
"Apparently, you haven't found that acceptance yet." Bella pointed out. "We are a lot alike, you know. I've been stumbling through life trying to find out exactly where I belong, for years actually…" she trailed off, lost in thought again. "I found Edward and knew this is what I was meant to be. Really, this has nothing to do with Edward anymore, he's beside the point," she said waving her hand dismissively. "My priority now is my change and how it is going to happen."
As I listened to her talk about how she never really knew where she belonged, I realized I was in the same situation. Did I really belong with the Cullens? I could see where Bella was coming from and how we were so much alike. Over the years, I had often suppressed the urge to leave the Cullens. It was lack of freedom of choice that caused these urges, but I can't really complain about it since I made the choice to follow Alice to learn a different life. Now looking back, I realize I didn't have much control with the Cullen's; the decisions had always been made for me.
Bella had brought up very valid points in her speech about me. The animal that raged inside tonight had shown me that I had never really let go of my prior life. I may have become complacent in my decades with the Cullens, but the battle with Edward had brought everything back; memory after memory had rushed over me. In the Southern Wars, I protected territory. In this life, I protected my family.
"What's got you so deep in thought?" Bella asked.
"Why did it have to be a human to point out the obvious?" I countered.
"I'm not pointing out the obvious, just the truth. I see who you are for who you are. Does that make sense?" She asked, tipping her head to the side.
"Not really," I replied.
"Let me put it this way then…" she trailed off. She rose from her position on the boulder and walked until she was mere inches from me. "I want you to understand something. You are who you are because of your past. You can't change it; you can only look back and reflect. In your past, there were choices that you had to make to ensure your survival. When Peter and Charlotte came back for you all those years ago, you were the one who made the choice to leave, regardless of the consequences. You have changed over the decades, but deep down that person is still inside you. Fancy clothes, flashy cars and motorcycles and money don't make you," she said as she stepped in front of me. Her sudden movements made me gaze down at her. "You can hide behind the materialistic things but deep down you will always be you. Whether you stay 'vegetarian' or return to your roots, you will always be Jasper Whitlock."
I sighed in defeat. Bella hit the nail right on the head. For so long, I hid behind being a 'vegetarian', scolding myself when I slipped and living with the disappointment of my family. I lived in a world where I was only pretending to be who I was. The animal inside me raged tonight, giving me a taste of what I was missing. I had accepted who I was in the South…, a demon, a monster, but most of all a Whitlock. For decades I hid behind the money, cars, clothes and vegetarianism. I was just pretending, not living for myself.
"What about you, Darlin'?" I asked, looking down at her. "You're hiding behind this silly little façade…" I stopped because I didn't really know how to explain the Bella that I saw with Edward, compared to the Bella I saw tonight.
"I did what I had to do to be accepted. If it meant bending to everyone else's expectations, then that is what I had to do," she said grabbing my hand tightly in hers.
"Why though?" I interrogated her, unable to imagine the rationality behind her behavior.
"For once in my life, I finally found a place where I wasn't stumbling through life," she chuckled. "Yes, I'm human and I find myself tripping over thin air, but otherwise I finally found where I belong," she paused for a moment collecting her thoughts. "I found a family, but knowing now that Edward had no intentions of changing me, I'm back at square one again," she said thoughtfully. "I also wanted to tell you that Alice saw what was going to happen at my party. No one else knew, she deliberately blocked Edward and called me shortly after Edward had made the decision to leave, leaving her phone on for me to hear what Edward said."
"Is that what she was shaking her head so vehemently about?" I asked quickly. The questions were piling up, but it seemed as though she was willing to give answers, so I prioritized my queries.
"Yes, and also because I had made decisions that affected my future. If you're thinking that it is Edward, then you're mistaken," she said in a teasing tone, her emotions becoming excited as she spoke.
"Whose future are we talkin' about here Darlin'?" I cocked my eyebrow at her.
"Everyone's," she whispered. She embraced me tightly with as much strength as she could muster. Her warmth seeped through my granite skin, soothing my soul. It amazed me how much this human could trust me after I had almost killed her.
"Come on, Cowboy. You may have eternity, but I only have until eleven to make it home," Bella urged me on. I lightly grabbed her arm and swung her onto my back. I walked at a human pace because I wanted to enjoy the time I had with her. It also gave me time to deliberate on exactly what she was planning without the intrusion of Edward. Edward…I still wanted to dismember him limb from limb. The Major was roaring inside, rattling the cage I had constructed so carefully through the decades.
"Darlin', how have ya become so comfortable with me?" I stopped suddenly, wondering how everything had changed so quickly.
"Carlisle has this theory is that you can absorb the feeling of the bloodlust. I had to test that theory, and if you're thinking it was that stupid paper cut, you're wrong. That was a complete accident," she explained. "While Carlisle was stitching me up, we talked about a lot of things. The one subject that was relevant to this was the emotional component of bloodlust. When you're in such close proximity to everyone you are able to absorb their bloodlust too. Again, this is just his theory. I am Edward's singer, therefore, his bloodlust is going to be even stronger, throwing yours into a frenzy. So tell me what have you felt?" She finished, giving me a light squeeze around the neck.
"That was a very dangerous move Darlin'," I scolded her.
"I know…" she sighed.
I wasn't going to treat her like she was a child; she clearly knew right from wrong. However, to hear her openly admit that she knew the risk she was putting herself in for the sake of an experiment, infuriated me.
"Your projecting, Jasper," she chortled, clearly not intimated by my anger.
"I'm sorry, Bella," I quickly said. "Being so close to you over the last few hours hasn't brought up any bloodlust for me at all. Which is weird…" I trailed off, completely submersed in my thoughts.
I thought about the Southern Wars and how the bloodlust that was always present. However, with the Cullens I had only struggled a few times over the decades after turning to a diet of animals. Maybe, just maybe, Carlisle was onto something. I knew I would have to sit down and discuss this theory with him.
As we walked through the tree line into the Cullens backyard, I felt the strong emotions again, and the most prevalent feeling was anger.
"Edward, how could you?" Esme asked, sounding crushed.
"We are leaving tonight, end of story," Edward replied, fury lacing his voice.
"Son, I made a promise to my daughter and I have no intentions of breaking it. We will leave when I say so and for right now we are staying," Carlisle stated firmly. "This is my family; I will protect my family, Bella included."
The snarls that were coming from the house had emphasized the fact that Edward was not getting his way. 'Bout fuckin' time, I thought.
We walked silently through the yard and made it to the back door before I stopped Bella.
"Darlin' are you sure you wanna go back in there?"
"If he dishes it out, I'll give the fucker more than he ever expected back," she replied smugly.
I gripped her hand as though it would give me some relief from the emotions that were swirling around the room. I needed peace, even just for one more moment. As we walked through the back door, every vampire in the room stopped and stared.
"Bella, move away from him. He will kill you…" Edward said, trying to pull her away from me.
"Oh can it Fuckward. If he wanted to kill me, don't you think he would have done it already?" she asked, rolling her eyes. She shrugged Edward off like he was dust on her shoulder.
"Love, I've seen his thoughts. He's manipulating your emotions…" Edward said patronizingly.
"He's not manipulating my emotions, Fuckward. I'm feeling exactly what I want to feel," she replied, giving me a slight smile as she looked me in the eyes.
"Come on, Love. This isn't you talking…"
"Why the fuck do you care? After all, I'm just a 'stray', remember?" she interrupted narrowing her eyes at him.
"That's not what I meant…" he sputtered, unable to finish before she cut him off again.
"Really?" she sneered. Her posture had straightened, her body had become rigid and the anger radiating off her almost put me on my knees again. "Explain yourself to me, and then you can do it to Jasper and Alice. What did you mean by 'strays', you piece of shit? You clearly thought that bringing me into your world was okay, despite Jasper and Rosalie's hesitation. How did I transform from being worth any risk to some lowly stray?"
Edward clearly didn't have a response. He stood there frozen, his mouth hanging open.
"That's right you mother fucker, you have nothing to say for yourself, finally. The seventeen year old boy is speechless. A measly, eighteen year old human stray has shut you down. So, I strongly suggest you sit your sparkly ass down and hear what I have to say."
I rubbed small circles on her lower back to try and calm her down some.
"Darlin', you need to sit down too," I said, guiding her over to the couch. As I went to leave, she grabbed my arm and tugged very lightly on my sleeve. I looked questioningly at Alice, who had a smile on her face.
"Here's the deal," Bella began matter-of-factly. "Victoria is still after me. The Volturi want me changed because I know about your world. I have two choices, die or be changed. The choice is mine and mine alone, and I choose to be changed."
"If that's your decision, I could do it for you," Carlisle said, pulling Esme closer to him at Bella's revelation. His emotions shifted from mildly angry to happy.
"Thanks for the offer, but no. It is nothing against you or any of the family who have taken your name. I know that no matter what I choose, I will always be a Cullen in my heart. I love this family…" she trailed off.
"Bella, does this have anything to do with Peter and Char?" I asked her, replaying the conversation we had earlier in my head.
"No. Not as much as you think it does. I can see the wheels turning in your head, Jasper," she said pointing to her temple for the second time tonight. "I made this decision long ago as a second option, tonight just cemented it for me."
"I don't get it. What are you talking about Bella?" Emmett asked.
"I want to be a Whitlock too."
A/N: This is going to be short and sweet; I have to give all the thanks in the world to my lovely Beta Heavyinfinity! You rock, my love! I also have to give her the credit for changing Alice a little compared to what I had…it's brilliant! Once again, I think I'm in love with her brain…*giggles*
Has anyone figured out yet just why Alice is hiding so much from the family? Give me your thoughts on that with an awesome review. Just push that little button down there…