Sirius followed Remus into the sitting room, found him flipping through the albums Sirius had left out for Eddie.
"Merlin Sirius, I can't believe you kept these. You were such a noscene with that camera"
Sirius grinned cheekily "I was a very talented photographer"
"You were horrid Pads, look half of these aren't even in focus"
Remus pointed to one for example, Sirius blushed remembering the day it was taken. Sixth year and it was just before summer break and the day had turned as hot as a summer day, James decided a swim in the great lake was needed. He and Remus had rushed down to the lake removing their uniform as they went, Sirius had refused to swim as it would ruining his hair which he spent a good half hour styling perfectly. Sirius had become fixated on Remus has he ran into the lake, stripping down to his shorts, it was one of the rare times he had seen Remus without a shirt. Remus always hid himself, changing behind his bed curtain and using the showers early in the morning before anyone had woken. James and Remus drived in and splashed about before Remus returned to shore and this was when Sirius had snapped the photo. Remus emerged from the water dripping wet, laughing and smiling looking to Sirius as the most beautiful man ever. His fair hair sleeked back shining gold in the sun, his pale chest heaving with laughter, scars covering most of his chest and arms with a thick light brown hair covering the rest from nipples to belly button and thining down before disappearing entirely under his shorts that was wet and clinging to his legs. Sirius was battling many emotions at this time, lust, desire, fear, confusion and want. He had quickly picked up his muggle Polaroid camera he had brought the summer before and snapped a photo of Remus, the photo was blurred as he had taken the photo suddenly with shaking hands. He had cursed himself wishing he had brought his magical camera so the photo would of cleared focus and Remus would continue to walk and smile at the camera.
Sirius had kept that photo to himself for years, falling asleep holding the photo and locking it safely away in his trunk. Coming back to reality Sirius panicked, picked up the photo before facing Remus
"Well it took me awhile to get the hang of the muggle camera"
Remus chuckled, turning the pages smiling at himself as he remembered moments, events and days long passed.
Remus plucked the photo out of Sirius's hand studied it carefully.
"Merlin, look at my scwanly teenage self" He laughed "Why did you keep it I would rather forget my awkward years"
"You weren't awkward Remus" Sirius soothed
"I hit 6 ft 2 inches at 13 years olds, I was all lanky limbs and protruding bones. You seemed to survive Hogwarts without a single awkward moment"
Sirius laughed bitterly
"I had them Rem, Merlin did I have them not on the outside but on the inside I was more awkward than every boy in Hogwarts"
"You, the famous Sirius Black womanizer and prankster, awkward?"
Sirius could feel his temper rising, did everyone need to bring up his school experient ways, yes he slept with many girls before admitting to himself that he was indeed gay.
"You were teen pin up perfect Pads, tall, broad, & fit. The girls swooned as you walked past, one look and any girl would fall at your knees. You dressed imaculikely and had hair that was never out of place" Remus laughed, he opened his mouth to continue but Sirius snapped
"And a fat lot of good it did me" He yelled throwing his arms up in the air
"I did my hair every dam day, kept myself fit and dressed well but it never worked. I felt insuperior"
"To who Sirius?" Remus ask confused
"You!" Sirius bellowed, losing all control or reserve "you were so fucking perfect, smart, funny, talented and the most gorgous kid in Hogwarts, I just wanted to to notice me, look at me once like those ditzy girls with attraction in their eyes. I did all that trying to make myself as attractive as I was too you.I wanted it to be you when I was snogging them, I wanted to hold you all night in our dorm and tell you that I loved you since before I realized it"
"Me?"
"Yes you Remus John Lupin! Your bloody blind git, everyone else saw it, I was madly in love with you since fifth year and I fancied you way before that"
"You were the womanizer of Hogwarts…" Remus started
"I was confused Remus! I was born into a messed up family, I was a disgrace for being a gryindor I told homosexualilty was wrong and my mother would of killed me if I was"
"Sirius I.."
"That's why I left home Rem, Regulus told my mother that rumours had started about me being gay, she cursed me and I left turning up on James' doorstep bloody and rejected by my family"
"Sirius, I…"
"Don't Rem, I have loved you for years and to me you are so dam wonderful I never told you because I knew you wouldn't believe me, you don't believe me do you?"
"Sirius I not saying I don't believe you but.."
"See you don't believe me!" Sirius exclaimed waving his hands in the air in frustration.
"Siri calm down we can talk, school is horrible for most people and I understand you keeping it quiet because of your parents but maybe you misinterpreted your feelings. It a type of love but not a romantic love, you loved James right"
"Like blood, he was my brother"
"Excatly, it might be like that, deep love on a brotherly level that confused you because it was slightly different to James'"
"No" cut in Sirius fierstly
"And after losing James, peter being a traitor, your time in prison you missed that connection of friendship and love"
"No" Sirius exclaimed
"Siri"
"You have no idea what it does to me when you call me that" Sirius explained desperately, tears forming in his eyes
"Sirius, you have suffered more than most wizards and I am happy you told me about your sexuality finally but"
"You don't think I can love you do you?" He sadly asked
"No Sirius I don't think you love me in a romantic sense I think you are confusing brotherly affection for love"
"No, I love you"
"As a friend, brother and closest confident I know"
"No, in a romantic way, wanting to kiss you, I want to be your lover and partner to grow old together. I want to live with you and I want to hold you the day after the full moon, bring you tea when you are sick, chocolate when you are reading and hear your sexy laugh every day"
"Siri.." Remus tried again, cheeks flushing in embrassment, regretting getting into this conversation with Sirius
"Remus I asked you not to call me Siri it teases me! I love you completely, since Hogwarts before the world ruined everything and took James, Lily, before the war, before Azkaban and before Harry" Sirius had tears running down his face, he made no attempt to wipe them away, starting to heave and breathe iratically
"Calm down Pads, sit down for a second" Remus asks, placing a hand on his friends shoulder pushing him down into the lounge, sitting down besides him.
Remus turn his back to Sirius pouring him a small glass of fire whiskey and handed it to Sirius
"Drink, it will help"
"Please believe me, I slept with so many girls because I was couldn't have you, I didn't have steady girlfriend because they were not you, I only wanted you"
"I think we have talked it about enough tonight Pads, finish your drink, you have been stressed and worried about me for days, you aren't thinking right you need rest and time relax"
"No, I love you and I will no matter how much rest I have or how much fire whiskey I have drunk"
"Get a good night sleep and we will talk in the morning if that is what you want"
"Will you believe me in the morning?"
Remus ran his hands threw his hair, looking suddenly exhausted pulling gently at the roots of his grey flecked hair, long after being away for so long and needing a trim. Pain had slowly returned to his body where Eddie had closed the large wounds and the bruise cream had stopped numbing them. He sighed placed a hand on Sirius's knee thinking of what he wanted to say that would calm the situation, not heading Sirius warning to stop calling him Siri as he had done since Hogwarts he started his sentence with
"Siri if I admit you love me wil you let me tell you why you shouldn't?"
Sirius looked at him "Rem stop calling me that, it does things to me you think im imcapable of feeling"
"I am too old Pads, I have aged horribly I have a body that goes through hell and back once a month, my body is in bad shape. I am poor Pads, I barely clothe myself, Eddie paid off the mortage and covers food. I am unemployable, I haven't had a steady income since Hogwarts and before that when Dumbledore paid me to be Eddie's tutor which was a cover story to the ministry. I am dangerous Pads, I am a dark creature who doesn't deserve to be loved. I turned into a monster noce a month who would kill you in second given the chance. Find someone whole, someone with life left in them, younger, with hope and prospects, someone who deserves love, who is a respected member of the community not an outcast. Someone who is worthy of you"
Sirius looked at Remus with pain in his eyes, not believe his amazing Moony could think so low of himself and believe he doesn't deserve love.
"I love you because of everything you are and have done or been, cant you see that"
He begs "Let me love you"
Remus eyes looked up at his life long friend and seeing the desperation there instinvily sighed "Lets talk aobut it tmororw, please sleep on it and think about what I said. Please promise me you will think about it"
"I don't need to think Remus, I love you" Remu shook his head in dispear
"Please Siri" he muttered unable to finish the sentence as lips crash onto his, an arm wrappig itself around his waist and Sirius pulled him flush against himself . He recalls Sirius' warning to stop calling him Siri for a moment before a tounge starts pushing at his bottom lip gently practically begging to be allowed entrance, another arm reaches up and a hand threads itself into Remus wavey hair. Remus gasps slightly before shock sets in as Sirius takes the opportunity to explore Remus' mouth. Sirus sucks, nips, licked and explores his friends mouth, his hand on the small waist starts to rub Remus back in small circles, the other stroking and combing the grey specked hair on his head. Sirius leads forward pushing Remus to lean against the lounge arm, Sirius moves his hand to rest of Remus hip as Remus' legs angle off the lounge, feet on the rug and he moves his torso to be mirrored with Remus. Sirius rmoved his hand from Remus hair and uses it to support himself placing it at Remus side.
Sirius kisses start as desperate and forcefull but to Remus' shock turn to sweet, gentle and passionate ones. Remus' mind finally kicks him as he becomes aware of Sirius thumb graising his hip repeatedly. He turns his head to the side to speak but failed to form words as Sirius attacks his expose neck with as much skill and loving attention as his mouth. Remus rolled his head back giving Srius better access as his body starts to responding to the attention given. Sirius kisses down Remus' neck before nibbling on his ear lobe, causing Remus to let out a small wimpering sound which sets Sirius into another desperate attack on Remus lips.
Sirius moans loudly into Remus mouth when finally Remus starts to kiss back, tentatively at first, with caution and with uncertainty. His unskilled lips crashing into Sirius's in an awkward dance that he doesn't know, a shaking hand places itself into Sirius hair while the other reaches out to rest over Sirius' heart that he can feel beating franticly underneath the button up blood red shirt. Sirius shivers under Remus gentle touch and pulls away gasping for air, steel grey eyes full of love, passion and fear stare into hazel ones showing confusion and uncertainly though a level of desire under the surface. Sirius places chaste kisses on Remus forehead, cheeks, ear lobes, jaw line and finally lips before stating for what felt like the thousands times that night "I love you Remus"
Remus looking into his best frineds eyes finding no inserity there and nodds his head once, acknowledging he will not argue with him any longer, Sirius slowly climbs up Remus body, moving him slightly so he was lying the length of the lounge feet up one end, head propt up on the arm of the other. Sirius is as close to Remus as possible with clothing on and places chaste, soft kisses on Remus lips repeating "I love you" adding things inbetween like "I love your eyes"
"I love you wavey hair when it falls in your face" "I love your freckes and the scar over your eye" "I love your sinewy powerful body" "I love your laugh" "I love your talent for spell work" "I love watching you read and how you hum when you find it interesting" "I love each scar on your body, it reminds me of how strong you are in the mind, body and soul" "I love your strength, speed and voice"
"I love you completely" Remus mind started to swim, overloaded with such senerely spoken words. He sat up abrunptly looked at Sirius seeing such love in his eyes shook his head several times
"No you shouldn't, you should love someone who deserves you. Im too old, too poor and too dangerous. Werewolfs don't deserve love" He pushed gently off his lap and stood up"Find someone wonderful, whole, young, fun and full of life like you!"
"You love me Remus, I could feel it when you kissed me, your scared is all"
"Sirius"
"Admit it Remus!"
"Fine I love you! I realized I loved you at James and Lily's wedding. But you hurt me Sirius, I thought you betrayed me, it ripped me apart. I lost everything that day, you, James and Lily and Peter. I was broken, destroyed and I stayed like that for a year, a year Sirius of alcohol infused despair!" Remus cried tearing racning down his face
" Unable to hate you like I was meant to, unable to get over you, morning my friends deaths, ackwlegding I loved a traitor, a killer. Eddie was dumped on my doorstep by my half sister then seeing this toddler sitting in tears on the doorstep was the only thing that saved me, she saved me Sirius,I locked and chained myself every moon to protect her and I have more scars than ever because the wolf morned too! He missed his pack, he cried out for his pack Sirius every month, turning against itself when no one came. I didn't get over you, my hurt continued for years until two fucking years ago when there you were in the strieking shack, almost unreconisable, souding deranged and desperate"
Sirius was staring, open mouthes at Remus as be poured out his darkest days, they had never discussed Remus' time before Eddie came along. He knew of Eddie, his half sisters child. His mother left shortly after he was bitten, unavle to handle it, his mother married a muggle and snapped her own wand living as a muggle. Her two children to this other man both were magicless but his half sister child starting talking in langauges at the ages of one. She spoke german and Spanish when no one in the family did, at 2 she spoke two more languages and couldn't separate them, speaking in a mix of them all. Her mother was sure something was wrong with her daughter, her grandmother saw the truth, a magic child! She was kept inside for her early life until in frustration that she ouldnt be understood she exploded a tv. Her grandmother bundled her into her car and drove for hours, scooping up a sleeping Eddie and placing her on the doorstep of the Lupin cottage, the house she ran from years ago and that Remus inherited from his father when he died.
"I loved you Sirius more than I thought was possible, I love you still but I will not let myself fall in love with you again I am not strong enough. I will not be with you Sirius"
"Why?"
"My heart is too scared Sirius, like the rest of me it is too old, too worn and broken to be able too. I am too poor, too old and too dangerous"
"But Remy…"
"No Sirius I don't deserve you"
Remus walked out of the room sobs shaking his whole body, he walked into the other lounge room where Harry, Charlie and Eddie were walked to the fire place, threw in the ash, stepped into the green flames and silently stating his destination disappeared
Eddie and Harry rushed to find Sirius who had sunk to the floor at Remus exit, crying with such force that his body shook violently. Knees bent up under his chin and a broken glass beside him Sirius held the photo of Remus taken with the muggle camera against his chest.