Chapter 10: More than Anyone Knew
-Aleeysha-
I didn't care who he was anymore. He abandoned me, and now he's keeping me alive, probably just to torture me. That look on his face is completely disgusting, like he actually cares. The faster I'm out of this place the better.
"Aleeysha?"
I focused on the corner of the room above everything. I was dimly aware of anything going on. I couldn't see anything or anyone anymore; because I didn't care about anything or anyone. My mind was filled with angry splatters of red, dull streaks of grey and black; my future in the world. All I could feel was a burning anger and withering despair. My mind was turmoil with emotion.
How can anything be good in the world? Maybe good things are given only to be taken away. The sweet flowers, the nice weather, and the nice people are just a visage meant to cover up everything so whatever does this to us can keep torturing us for a lifetime.
All I wanted to feel something destroyed in my hands. To everything inside me out, because if I don't, I will explode. I tried to sit, to grab something, but I had forgotten about the restraints. Then I felt pain at wrists; the restraints dug into them. It felt good, because focussing on this pain was better than any other one. In my limited state, I could fulfill the need to feel something destroyed in my hands. That thing would be me.
Warm pressure wrapped around me forearm. I could only guess it was someone's hand. I fought to keep tugging. It felt better as the restraint dug in deeper, as I felt the blood pour out. But then there was a prick in my arm. Thought…couldn—t think….clear. My s-sight…nothing. My t-thoughts… dddddiping. E-ev-ry thing dipping.
-Darren-
I have never been as scared for someone as I was when I watched Aleeysha. Her distant eyes leaking tears, staring up at nothing, not responding to anything or anyone; the desperation I saw when she fought against the restraints, not to escape but only to hurt herself. It terrified me because it was nothing like her. It was the opposite of the focused, self-respecting person I met in America. She was always the strong one people could depend on; I never believed anything could break her.
Yet there she was, as broken as I have ever seen anyone in my life, and I couldn't help but think I had something to do with this. I not that conceited as to think that I was the sole reason why she's in the state she's in but I have no doubt I contributed. As much as I would've loved to believed that I knew everything I needed to know about her, there was no denying that I truly didn't know as much as I should have. I never wanted to leave her the way I did; leaving mad with a secret, and no plan to come back. But now? I was burning with shame. I had no I idea what I meant to her and no idea how much she needed me to lighten her load, even if I didn't know. Mainly, no idea what she was going through, and the effect I would have if I left her. I was ruthless, cruel, selfish, and a jerk.
I don't know how I could ever try for another relationship with her because right now if I were her, I wouldn't want anything with me. It hurt knowing that the best thing for her was not fixing our relationship. There was no point now. There was no reason she would believe me, want to be with me, or go back to the ways things were supposed to be.
Tears sprung to my eyes. I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat. Shame like acid burned in the pit of my stomach. All of a sudden I was unstable—and angry. I had no idea what I was doing, but all of a sudden, it didn't seem fair. That she got to shut out the world while wallowed in the pit of grief she left me too.
"Don't you think I hurt too? Do you think you're the only one suffering?" I was almost shouting walking towards her briskly, tears streaming down my face. "After all we've been through, do you think I'd want to leave you like that?" The next thing I knew I was grabbing her shoulders, shaking her, trying to force her to reality.
-Aleeysha-
Everything was fuzzy. The world shook back and forth. I was being shaken. Words forced their way into my consciousness. "—Do you really thing I'd want to leave you like that! My da-" His voice caught. Darren's voice caught.
He let go of me and started again, less mad more desperate and miserable. "My dad died, and that's when I got the message. I had to come home my broken family of me and my brother. A home I didn't know you knew about." He gasped, sobbing between words. "I joined the war. My brother—he died. I was a family of one. And I took it out on everyone who wasn't on my side of the war. You don't think I just want to leave the world in its mess of its own? I wouldn't leave my team in the war-"
I stopped listening. War. War. War. War. It was the only thing echoing through my mind. It destroyed EVERYTHING, it broke EVERYONE, and it was on NO ONE'S side but death. It kills EVERYTHING in its path. People help it. People want it. It horrified me, it scared me, and it disgusted me. The thought ripped through my throat in a scream. I screamed and screamed.