Title: A is for Anteater
Summary: Never in his most bizarre dreams had Sasuke imagined a mission to guard a batch of brownies could go so very, very badly….
Rating: T (language and innuendos)
Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)
Disclaimer: Sasuke and Naruto are not mine. They just like to yell at each other inside my head.
Chapter Two
Back off my Brownies
For the twelfth time that morning, Sasuke sighed.
He knew it was twelve (times he had sighed this morning, that is), because counting sighs was one of his most reliable methods of keeping track of time. Usually, twelve sighs meant it was ten thirty and forty five seconds into the morning. Unfortunately, right now it was only eight thirty three and twenty seven seconds, on a Tuesday. This…was not a good sign.
Sasuke leaned against the bulletin board on the far wall of the playroom (it proudly displayed several finger-painted bunnies, at least, he assumed those were bunnies) while Naruto exchanged pleasantries (and reassurances) with a chunin up front. Sasuke was not allowed to talk to said chunin anymore after winning a game of hunter-nin with said chunin's twins the previous day. Apparently, said chunin ("He has a name, Bastard, would it kill you use it?") was a bit irate that Sasuke had tied up the defeated hunter-nin wannabes with ninja wire and explosive notes. ("They weren't real! I promise! Err, right Sasuke?" "…" "Umm, they won't be real next time?").
Apparently, this was not appropriate.
Apparently, pointing out that explosive tags should be the least of his worries if his kids actually did become captured by nuke-nin was also not appropriate.
No matter, it was not like Konoha had another daycare center that specialized in caring for ninja children. Civilian daycares did not like accepting children who came from homes where training with pointy, life-threatening objects was not only encouraged but part of daily routine.
Although, Sasuke himself had been to one, once. A normal daycare, that is. His father scoffed at the idea. Why pay for day care when they had plenty of relatives who could not only watch him but teach him something useful, too, like taijutsu? However, his mother insisted that Sasuke "needs to socialize with children his own age," and learn about "normal little boy things," and not be "so focused on skewering my laundry line with kunai when he's just four!" After a night of sleeping on the dojo floor, his father reconsidered the subject.
So, Sasuke went to daycare. Once. A group of older boys coaxed him to play a silly little game with a black and white ball. They did try to explain the rules to him, but Sasuke's favorite rule at that age (this age too) was "never leave your opponents in a position to retaliate."
The game lasted ten minutes.
Sasuke won.
His mother had fussed angrily and made him visit all five boys in the hospital for a month until a skittish, gray-haired doctor nervously informed her that Sasuke's presence was causing "prolonged mental anguish" for his patients and "interfering with the healing environment".
Anyway, as far as Sasuke was concerned, the chunin was a captive client until his kids reached Academy age. And then, he really would rejoice if the worst that happened in a day was a controlled encounter with explosive notes.
Sasuke was distracted from basking in one of the (few) happy memories of his younger years by a failed hunter-nin twin (in obvious want of hairbrush and a matching pair of socks) toppling a mock hokage tower composed of cardboard bricks. This signaled the start of the great Leaf war vs. the—well, Sasuke actually could not actually tell the identity of the enemy. He supposed it did not matter as long as no one drew blood.
Sasuke grimaced as wondered where the nearest first aid kit might be, and he also wondered if he could catch a nap by pretending to brood. Any semblance of brooding would keep the kids away, but unless Naruto thought Sasuke was still thoroughly pissed at him, he would catch on to Sasuke's act in, at the most, five minutes.
This was truly unfortunate, for, unlike Naruto, Sasuke stayed awaked through the previous night reading books the hokage had sent him on childcare (the hokage did not bother to send Naruto books since that one incident where Naruto ran out of toilet paper and decided to make do with whatever was lying around his trashed apartment).
Childcare. Ugghh. The very word made him cringe.
Who the heck in their right minds willingly lets Sasuke Uchiha "care" for their children? Vulnerable, open minded, fussy, breakable….the only thing less synonymous than the words "Sasuke and childcare" were the words "Naruto and childcare". Or perhaps the words "Naruto and Sasuke and Childcare" should be considered the most inappropriate combination.
This… could only end badly.
"Umm…Uchiha-san?" Sasuke stopped his inner monologue and glared at the tiny hand tugging on his pant leg accompanied by an even tinier voice.
A little girl in pigtails with big green eyes, about six he would guess (although guessing the age of children was not a specialty) gazed at him hesitantly. She bit her lip and thrust a tin container up at him.
Sasuke blinked.
"Here." The little girl stood on tiptoes and pushed the container forward.
Sasuke cautiously took hold of the container with both hands, holding it hesitantly as far away as possible. He focused his attention on the container.
It was light, composed of some cheap metal and covered in a red-tinted floral pattern. Nothing moved inside the container. It emitted no sound. Sasuke was beginning to feel slightly ridiculous. The girl was what, eight? The container was not going to explode.
"Umm, Uchiha-san, it's just brownies…" The little girl appeared concerned for his mental state. Maybe she was nine. If Sasuke was nine and in her shoes he, too, would be concerned for his mental state.
"Brownies?" Sasuke looked at the red tin and took the lid off.
He blinked.
Brownies.
With multi-color sprinkles.
Wait, why was he being given brownies?
"Yeah, my Mom made them for everyone 'cuz its my birthday today."
Apparently Sasuke was supposed to give a response to this because several seconds of awkward silence ensued before the pig-tailed little girl threw her hands up in the air with a a resigned "Just pass them out at snack-time!"
Sasuke watched Pigtails stomp off to the dollhouse where a gaggle of goggling, giggling girls, converged upon her. Sasuke frowned. Seven-year old fan-girls. Great.
Sasuke looked down at the container of brownies. Okay, all he had to do was keep the brownies safe until snack-time. He could deal with that.
A guard mission.
Easy.
Right?
"Bye lady, see you later!" The bell on the door chimed lightly as the last regular client left for the morning. Naruto grinned and shoved away from the registration counter and sauntered into the playroom. Well, tried to saunter, at least. Naruto blushed and swore softly as he fiddled with the door handle. He hated these childproof handle thing-a-ma-bobs. Gah-these blasted things were annoying.
Finally getting the door opened, (and remembering to close it this time, as he did not want a repeat of hide and seek in the shopping district that occurred yesterday) he stepped in the bed of a toy truck as he stumbled over to check in with Sasuke. He stopped short at Sasuke's bent head and hesitated, was Sasuke still that pissed…? Nah, he was probably just sleeping. Naruto wrenched the truck off his foot and resumed his sauntering.
"Yo!" Naruto slapped Sasuke on the shoulder and was rewarded with a scowl as Sasuke hunched over a red box protectively.
Naruto leaned in, curious.
Sasuke pushed him back, scowling more (Sasuke was so anal about personal space).
Naruto pouted. "Hey now, what's with the box?"
Sasuke looked at him gravely, clutching the mysterious box tightly. "Brownies."
"Brownies?" Naruto scrunched his eyes and scratched his head. What the heck was Sasuke doing with brownies?
"Hm." Sasuke returned his attention to the box.
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Gee Bas—" The rest of his words were cut off in a yelp as Sasuke freed a hand from the box and used it to slap Naruto upside the head.
"Stuff it. Watch your mouth around the kids." Sasuke punctuated his hiss with a nod to a group of girls playing at a dollhouse.
Naruto wanted to roll his eyes again, but felt it would be redundant (he learned that word from the dictionary Sakura-chan gave him for Christmas) so he settled for a Sasuke-esque grunt. He watched the little girls in their pastel summer dresses play innocently with their dolls. The dolls were getting ready for a party apparently, judging from all the clothes strewn about the house. Sasuke was seriously paranoid. (Not all girls hung on Sasuke's every word. Sasuke was like, ancient, compared to them.)
"Whatever. Are you actually gonna eat one of those?"
"No."
Naruto blinked. "Why not? They don't look poisoned. Here, let me try—"
Sasuke snatched Naruto's arm mid grab.
"NO. Later."
Naurto tried to twist away, whining. "Later? But they look good now—"
Sasuke firmly shook his head and pushed Naruto's arm away. "Later. At snack time."
"Why? They look all nice an' warm an' gooey and full of chocolate—" Naruto shoved gazed at the brownies wistfully.
Sasuke's lips thinned as he eyed Naruto wearily and switched the box to his far hand. "Later, moron. The girl said snack time."
"What girl?"
Sasuke sneered. "The one with the birthday."
"Oh really? Awesome! Wait, which one is she?" Naruto straightened and looked around the playroom.
"…Pigtails."
Naruto frowned. "Sasuke-that's, like, half of them."
"…Hn."
Naruto threw his hands in the air and began to rant. (Sasuke noted that this was the second time he had garnered that reaction this morning. If it were a normal day, it would be eleven) "You're no help at all!" Naruto stood in front of him, one hand on his hip, the other wagging a finger at him and poking him threateningly in the chest. "I'm gonna make you check them in from now on until you learn names!"
Sasuke shrugged. "We're only here for a month."
"That's not an excuse to not remember people's names, dumba—Umphf!" Naruto's arms flailed wildly as he choked on the brownie Sasuke stuffed in his mouth.
"Language." Sasuke watched calmly as Naruto struggled to respond around the brownie.
"I oht oo ehd no owies ill ack ime?"
"Don't talk with your mouth full. It's rude."
"Uht ah oo, my udder?"
"Udder? I am not an udder."
Naruto finally managed to swallow, and swatted angrily at Sasuke's head. He missed, of course. "No! I said 'what are you my mother?'"
"How can he be your mother?" Their conversation was interrupted by a boy with tousled brown hair. Sasuke vaguely remembered this one responsible for setting up the tuck for Naruto to step in earlier. Not that Sasuke would tell Naruto anything about that.
Sasuke glared at Truck-Boy. "I'm not his mother. Go away."
Truck-Boy flinched, but continued on, bravely, "But he said you were!" Truck-Boy pointed at Naruto.
"He was being sarcastic. Now leave." Sasuke made to push the brat away with his foot (stupid kids and their lack of appreciation for personal boundaries) but was thwarted by Naruto.
"Jeeze, Sasuke, easy." Naruto knelt down, grinning, and ruffled the kid's hair. "Sorry kid, I was just teasing him. It was a joke, you know?"
"Why?"
"Umm…I don't know it just seemed the thing to do…why don't you go play or something." Naruto laughed nervously and twitched a bit as Truck-Boy kept staring.
"I can't. Takanori took my ball."
Naruto blinked. "Uhh, then…can you just take it back?"
"…" Sasuke took the child's silence as a no and decided to give his own advice (based on what he learned from the book Children and their Peers by "renowned childhood expert Sana Kurata").
"Find a new ball."
"But I want that one." Truck-Boy pointed at a green shiny ball being passed between Hunter-Nin Flunkee One and Two.
"Can't I have that one?" Ahh-whining, there had been a chapter on that, too.
"Deal with it."
"Sasuke!" Naruto pbviously had not read that chapter.
Naruto smiled again at the child. "Er, just tell him… he has to play nice and share!"
The child gazed at them both dubiously. Sasuke agreed with Truck-Boy. That advice sucked.
Naruto snarled. "Stop snorting at me Bas—Stop that! I don't want anymore brownies!"
"Brownies?" The little boy came closer (Sasuke cringed) and looked at the container in Sasuke hand's excitedly. Sasuke held it over his head.
"Not until snack time."
"But I want them now!" The child wailed. Loudly.
"No!" Sasuke tried to match Truck-Boy (who from now on was going to be known as Whiny Ball Boy) in volume but suddenly found himself corned by about fifteen children of various sizes crowding around his knee caps and all yammering at once.
"We have brownies?"
"I love brownies!"
"Are they chocolate?"
"Do they have icing?"
"I want sprinkles"
"I like cookies better!"
"Why can't we have ice cream?"
"Because it's brownies stupid!"
Sasuke briefly wondered when he had become claustrophobic, then his eyes latched onto Naruto, who was suddenly very, very far away. "This is all your fault, Deadlast." Sasuke struggled to refrain from activating his sharingan and become one with the wall.
"I'll go get some plates!" Naruto laughed, weakly, and ran to the kitchen.
Sasuke shifted his focus to snarl at the swarm of wigggling bodies around his knees. "Back off my brownies, Brats!"