Title: A is for Anteater

Summary: Cooties of course. Wait, what?

Rating: T (language and innuendos)

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: Sasuke and Naruto are not mine. They just like to yell at each other inside my head.

Note: I would really appreciate some reviews on this. Even a "ha-ha, funny" would be nice. The counters say people are reading this, but I am not getting any responses. I do not like not knowing what the reader thinks about my writing. Is this so horribly OOC that people are cringing at their laptops? Does it make you smile? Feel free to send me your thoughts, no matter their content, I'm a big girl. I can take it.

Chapter Three

C is for Cooties

Until two days ago, Naruto had been 'completely confident' that he could handle anything life chose to throw at him.

Yesterday 'completely confident' became 'fairly certain,' and today he was only 'mostly convinced.'

Who knew five-year olds were so damaging to your self-esteem?

Naruto knelt down, hands on his knees, so as to be eye-level with his current source of irritation.

"Look," Naruto struggled to keep his voice calm and patient. Sasuke-bastard said the books suggested "speaking in a calm and patient manner" when "asking a child to adapt to social norms." The book people said children were logical beings and would respond better to reasonable explanations than unjustified demands. The book people forgot to mention five-year old logic was the kind of logic which sustained green beans caused cancer and imaginary friends could explain the origins of the universe during tea parties with chocolate muffins.

Honestly, Naruto was not sure how much more "logic" he could take today. Sasuke gave up on "logic" three hours ago and when last questioned "Why aren't you moving from the wall Uchiha-san?" responded that if he moved from the wall the building would collapse. This of course, was perfectly logical to the children who from that point on left Uchiha-san alone to be his heroic wall supporting self.

Unfortunately, this meant Naruto was on his own with the brats until he found something or someone else to support the wall in Sasuke's place as all the children were convinced they were going to die rather violently if "Uchiha-san" so much as sneezed.

Damn kids' inability to detect sarcasm.

Naruto vowed his own children would be excellent sarcasm detectors. The first lesson he would teach them would be how to annoy the hell out of Uncle Bastard. Who would, of course, be the only available babysitter every time Naruto and his wife left for missions.

But first, Naruto needed to convince the five-year old terror known as Tsugaru to share the crayons with three-year old Izumi-chan, who was currently producing enough tears to water his house plants for a month, all because she could not finish her "Kunoichi Keiko" coloring book. "Hey now, look, I know it doesn't sound like the best choice in the world, but you're gonna have to share the crayons with Izumi-chan, okay?"

Naruto held out his hand for the crayon box.

"No." Tsugaru sat on the crayon box to emphasize his refusal to cooperate.

Naruto felt his eye twitch. Calm and patient and logical. "Well, why not?"

"She has cooties!" Tsugaru pointed a finger accusingly at Izumi-chan. Izumi-chan's wails increased in volume.

Naruto patted the tearful toddler awkwardly on the back and glared at the offender. "Tsugaru, that's not a nice thing to say! Apologize! Ahhh-hah, err, Izumi-chan stop crying, I'm sure he didn't mean it!"

"Yes I did!" Tsugaru crossed his arms as he sat on the crayon box.

"Tsugaru! Be nice!" Naruto reached forward and grabbed the brat by the collar of his shirt, pulling the child closer and forcing him to stand on his toes. "Don't make up lies because you wanna hog the crayons!"

"I'm not lying, cooties are real!" Tsugaru tugged at Naruto's clenched hands. "And she has them!"

Naruto shook his head in confusion and sat cross-legged on the floor, maintaining his grip on Tsugaru with his left hand and pulling Izumi to sit on his knee with his right. "Now hang on minute. Tell me , just what do you think cooties are anyways?" Naruto scrunched his eyes in confusion and decided to ignore the snort emitted from Sasuke, who continued to bravely support the wall.

Tsugaru stopped wiggling and crossed his arms defensively. "Cooties are cooties. All girls have them." By this time, several other little boys had gathered around and nodded their heads in support of their friend's claims.

Naruto peered at Izumi-chan, whose wails had subsided to sniffles. "I don't see any cooties." He patted her reassuringly on the head.

"That's 'cuz they're invisibible, duh!" Tsugaru rolled his eyes, looking annoyed (quite a feat for a five-year old who was still dangling almost an inch off the floor).

"Invisibible?" If Naruto was Sasuke, this would be a time when he would do that condescending eyebrow raise. However, Naruto was not Sasuke, so he settled for trying to look incredulous. At least, he thought that was the word for the look of which he was attempting.

"Yup."

"Uhh-huuu."

"Yea-yuh."

The immediate affirmative responses from the huddled hoodlums were slightly irritating. Naruto frowned. Patient, calm, logical. "Well, what's so bad about them if you can't see them?"

Tsugaru tilted his head to consider the question for a moment before responding. "They taminate everything."

"Taminate?" Naruto was confused.

"Contaminate." Sasuke's voice responded in clarification from the wall.

"Oh," Naruto blinked. Well, that solved nothing. Stupid Sasuke. He shook Tsugaru slightly to express his own exasperation. "Contaminate! Contaminate with what? They're invisibible-I mean invisible!"

"Cooties of course!" Tsugaru whined and wiggled in protest.

Naruto lowered the child to the floor. Calm and patient. Right. "Sit!" At Naruto's sharp bark, all four boys sat. Naruto rubbed his forehead in contemplation. "Okay, let's try this one more time. Now tell me again, what are cooties? I mean, what do they do?" Naruto was still trying to follow the book's advice. Surely if he could show through reason and logical questions that cooties were make-believe, all this nonsense would stop.

Tsugaru opened his mouth to answer, and then paused, appearing for all purposes stumped. He turned toward his companions, who appeared equally perplexed.

Izumi-chan stuck her thumb in her mouth and leaned back against Naruto's chest, radiating harmless. Unfortunately, Naruto's sigh of relief was cut short by a voice from the nearest wall.

"They take over your mind."

Naruto's shoulders tensed and his eyes widened. He whirled to face the owner of the voice. "Sasuke!" Naruto's near-yell upset Izumi-chan, who squealed in protest and covered her ears.

Sasuke continued his explanation, undaunted. "Cooties are microscopic bacteria that slowly devour female brain matter, resulting in useless stammering fangirls."

"Sasuke stop-gah, you! You can't be serious!" Naruto looked at Sasuke in disbelief.

"I'm always serious. What did you think was wrong with Sakura and Ino, and the rest of the girls in the Academy for that matter?" Sasuke spoke earnestly.

Naruto looked at him in shock. Surely Sasuke did not really beli—he shook his head from side to side firmly. "Oh, stop it, already! You aren't helping!" Naruto no longer knew what to think. He turned toward Tsugaru. "Give me the crayons, kid, I'll go, err—disinfect them, or something, and then you can use them again, fine?"

Tsugaru watched Naruto suspiciously. "Disinfect?"

"Er, de-cootify them." Naruto slid Izumi-chan off his lap and leaned forward, holding his hand out for the box.

"Huh?" Tsugaru took a step back.

"I'll take the cooties away!" Naruto shook his hand at Tsugaru in demand of the box.

"But she'll just touch 'em again!" Tsugaru shrieked and threw himself on top of the box.

For a moment there was silence.

Ah, heck.

Screw calm and patient.

Naruto snapped.

"I'll spray everything!" He grabbed the box out from underneath Tsugaru, flipping the child on his back, then whirled around to yell at Sasuke.

"Sasuke! Where's the freakin' de-cootyfing spray?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow (Bastard!). "The what?"

"You know, the air cleaning stuff, Chickenhair!"

"Air Freshener?"

"Yeah, that thing, whatever."

"Bathroom."

"Fine," Naruto refocused on the now cowering Tsugaru and the Cootie Alert Network. "See, I have de-cootifying spray and I'm gonna spray everybody and then no one will have cooties anymore and I never wanna hear another word about cooties ever again! NEVER EVER AGAIN! Everyone understand?"

"Hai, Uzumaki-san."

"Good!" Naruto stomped off toward the bathroom, box of crayons rattling in one hand.

"Sasuke-kun! Naruto-kun! Its so good to see you again!"

Sakura greeted Sasuke and Naruto eagerly as they approached Ichiraku Ramen, where the three had made plans for dinner that evening.

"Hm." Sasuke took the seat to Sakura's right. "How was Sand?"

Sakura smiled at Sasuke brightly and sipped at her drink. "The mission went fine! They're always so hospitable and Naruto, Kazekage-sama says next time you visit…."

Naruto slumped tiredly next to Sasuke. "Two bowls of miso, Ayame." He spared Sakura a short wave of recognition before dropping his head on the counter.

"What's with him?" Sakura's smile faded to a frown of concern as she peered over Sasuke's shoulder at Naruto's slumped form.

"Ah—" Sasuke accepted his usual cup of tea from the waitress with a terse nod. "The mission is wearing on him."

"Oh!" Sakura's lips quirked upward and her eyes glimmered with hidden mirth. "That's right, Ino told me Tsunade-sama got mad at you two and is punishing you with a… kindergarten class?"

"Daycare." Sasuke grimaced in distaste. "For the offspring of ninja."

Sakura giggled.

Naruto gave a disparaging remark toward children in general, but it was muffled by the wooden countertop.

Sakura giggled more.

Naruto made a disparaging gesture with his finger.

"Hn." Sasuke stared stoically forward and took hold of his drink.

Sakura threw her head up gasping for air and slapped the counter so hard the cups rattled. "Hehehe, haha, sorry, haha, I can't breathe! Oh, I'm s-sorry, that's just too funny…" Her giggles trailed off as Naruto rolled his head to one side to face her.

"Hey, hey Sakura-chan?" Naruto's voice was serious and Sakura attempted to quell her amusement.

"Yes Naruto-kun?" Sakura smiled at him as she toyed with the straw in her drink.

"Umm…" Naruto's voice trailed off, hesitant, unsure whether or not to finish his question.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong!" Naruto propped his head up on his arm. "I was just wondering," his face scrunched in confusion "do you have cooties?"

"What?" The glass in Sakura's hand cracked.

Sasuke choked on his tea.

"Well," Naruto forged on, rapidly shooting out an explanation for his question in an attempt to evade Sakura's fists, "Bastardheresaysyouhavecooties,ImeanIdidn'teventhinktheywererealbuthesaysyouhavethemandtheyateyourbrainup—"

"HE SAID I HAVE WHAT?" Sakura's glass completely shattered.

Sasuke suddenly decided that now was the time to leave.