Title: E is for Egg Monsters. From Mars.

Summary: It is time for Sasuke and Naruto to face the timeless yet awkward question, "Where do babies come from?"

Rating: T

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: I do not own it. I just play in it.

Author's notes:

Tanaka&yamada: A longer chapter just for you! No seriously, I write dialogue first before anything else, and dialogue for this alone is seven pages. This will probably be the longest chapter in the story. (Though, that is not really an excuse for not updating in so long…)

I'm glad everyone liked the last chapter. Please continue to review as reviews are where I draw my inspiration from to continue writing (even though it may be months later). Even constructive criticism helps, as it challenges you to think through what was confusing in the past and how to best help audience comprehension in the future.

Chapter Five

E is for Egg Monsters. From Mars.

"Uchiha-sensei! Uchiha-sensei!" Naruto cringed at the high-pitched exclamations of two little boys, each with red hair and freckles, who came barreling past him into the playroom. He waved at their mother, a middle aged woman of medium stature with red hair of only a slightly darker shade. She smiled tiredly and tapped her fingers on the counter as she waited for Naruto to gather the usual paperwork.

Naruto pulled open a drawer, grabbing a file and sliding it and a pen across the counter to the rather harried-looking jounin. "Dropping off the wonderful duo of Ryu and Tsugi again?"

She laughed lightly, "Just for a couple of hours, I have an emergency escort mission, but their father should be here to pick them up this afternoon….Why, sorry you'll have to keep them that long?" Her tone was teasing as she bent over papers.

Naruto grinned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "They aren't that bad really! Just a bit…energetic-" Naruto's eyes widened mid phrase and he choked on his words.

The woman paused and glanced up. "What's wrong?"

"Oh! Nothing, I just realized I'm starting to sound like my academy-sensei!"

Her smile widened and she straightened her pile of forms before handing them back to Naruto. "Be careful of that-it means you're starting to grow up and who is going to pour bubbles into the fountains at the Hyugga compound then, huh?"

She tossed her pen at a flustered Naruto, who caught it while loudly protesting, "That wasn't me! It was Konohomaru, I swear!" Then she adjusted her hitiate and slipped out the front door to a soft tinkle of bells.

Naruto took his time filing the papers, muttering under his breath and trying to let the blush fade from his face before he went back into the playroom. It was to early in the morning to be answering any awkward questions from Sasuke.

Fortunately, when Naruto finally got into the playroom (stupid idiotic pigeon brained child-proof handles!), Sasuke was a bit preoccupied.

Naruto had left Sasuke pooring over jutsu scrolls ("I don't think we're supposed to have those around the kids…" "Hn…most of them can't read yet anyway." "Oh, okay then!"), hunched in a rather ridiculous position in a child sized chair that was less than a foot off the floor, scrolls scattered across a table that was halfway up to Naruto's knee in height.

Now, though, Sasuke was looking rather harassed (and a bit scandalized) as the two red-headed boys from earlier shoved a book into his face and tugged on his sleeves and invaded his personal space in general.

"Guess what Uchiha sensei!" Ryu, the older one (Naruto only knew this because he was an inch taller than his brother) pushed the book closer to Sasuke's face as Sasuke attempted to draw farther away.

Sasuke tried to stand up but was caught off balance by the Tsugi, who clung to Sasuke's right arm. "You were wrong about that question the other day! See, look, look!" Tsugi clutched at the book as Sasuke fell awkwardly back onto the tiny chair. He was emitting a glare that clearly said not only would he never "guess what" even if his life depended on it, but that he was going to perform a katon on that book unless it was put away, right this instant.

However, much to Naruto's delight and Sasuke's dismay, children apparently are not fluent in Glare.

Naruto smirked and crossed his arms, watching the scene play out with growing amusement.

Tsugi (who was about to pull Sasuke's shirt off if he tugged any harder) eagerly pointed at the book as he wrapped himself around Sasuke's arm. "It's right here in this book! Right there, on the last page!"

Ryu stood tall and proud as he spread the paper pages wide for Sasuke's viewing displeasure. "See? See now? Men CAN have babies!"

Something in Naruto's chest stopped moving and fell into his feet before bouncing back into place again. "What the fu—" Naruto choked on his tongue for the second time that morning before scrambling forward on his feet and trying to snatch the book from the two little boys.

Ryu misinterpreted Naruto's horror for interest. "See, Naruto-sensei? It's right here on this page!"

Naruto fell to his knees and reached for the book. "Wait, wha--?" Before he could grab it Tsugi snatched it from Ryu to show his sensei himself.

"It's right here, see? Men can have babies!"

"Let me have that…." Naruto finally grabbed the book in his hands and his eyes quickly scanned the lines on the page as the little boys jabbered about him clamoring, "See! See!".

Naruto relaxed a bit as he finished the page and turned to the two indignantly. "Now, hang on here, this doesn't mean that men can have babies!"

Ryu pouted. "Yes it does! He laid an egg. The boy laid an egg, Sensei. Its right there on that page."

Naruto snapped the book shut and slapped it against his legs as he sat on the floor. "That's not—that's not right—I mean—that's not a baby, it's an egg! The boy didn't have a baby! This is a silly little story," He scrunched up his face in concentration and gave an emphatic nod of the head."Its a not real story, and the boy laid an egg cause he was controlled by some type of monsters..."

Ryu-scowled indignantly, unsuccessfully trying to jump and retrieve his book from his sensei. "Egg monsters! Egg monsters from Mars sensei!"

Tsugi climbed off Sasuke (who hastily stood to remove himself from climbing range) and sat on the floor tugging at his feet. "But Uchiha-sensei told us yesterday that all babies hatch from eggs!"

"Yeah, all babies!" Ryu crouched next to his brother and echoed him in support. "All of them, Sensei, and this boy laid an egg!"

"He told you what?" The thing in his chest went on vacation again and Naruto could only stare at them dumbly, mouth hanging open. (A very unflattering position for someone who held the title of the Village's Number One Unpredictable Ninja for the past fifteen years running).

Ryu and Tsugi glanced at each other before Ryu slowly stated, "That all babies—"

"NO!" Naruto cut the kid off. "I mean, I know!—I mean! I heard you the first time kid, just give me a second here." Naruto tried to organize his thoughts but that just made his head hurt worse. Naruto glared at Sasuke, who had his arms crossed leaning against the wall (Wall-Supporting-Bastard! All his fault!) and hissed, "You told them what?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "I said 'all babies hatch from eggs.'"

Naruto struggled for a response and twisted back and forth in agitation on the carpet before eventually screeching (more like squealing, but he liked to pretend he was a bit more dignified)"Why?!"

Sasuke sighed. "They asked."

Naruto gave Sasuke a flat look. "They asked what babies hatch from?"

"More or less." Sasuke shrugged.

"Sasuke! That's not, I mean you can't…come on, 'all babies hatch from eggs'?" Naruto was rapidly reaching his gawking quota of the day and valiantly tried to adapt a new expression of surprise but just wound up sprawling out on the carpet and covering his face with his hands in agony.

Sasuke scowled, "I didn't tell them hatched...and I didn't mean hatch from eggs like chicken eggs I meant eggs as in-"

"No! Don't say anymore!" Naruto cute Sasuke off by throwing a hand over Sasuke's mouth. Sasuke's eyes glittered in annoyancce.

"Naruto-sensei?" A tentative voice broke through the haze clouding Naruto's sanity.

"Eh?" Naruto lowered his hands to see the faces of Ryu and Tsugi as well as a small crowd of other children, peering up at him in interest.

Ryu continued, emboldened by his sensei's reply. "Do babies not come from eggs?"

Naruto sat down and scratched at his head, laughing nervously. "Oh, err…well…that's not really something…."

Fortunately, Ryu babbled on, "Because I've seen lots of eggs, but I've never seen one big enough for a person baby before. My mommy told me babies come from seeds, like plants."

Another boy spoke up, flapping his arms, "My mommy said a big bird brought babies!"

One little girl put her hands on her hips and shook her fingers, reminding Naruto vaguely of Ino, "You're all wrong, my Mommy says babies come from jutsu!"

Naruto began to twitch as various explanations for the origin of the human race poured forth from his young charges.

"My mommy said our new baby came from the mailman."

"Nuh-uh, ours came from a lady named Marga Rita!"

"Stop it, calm down all of you! None of that's right!" Naruto flailed spastically in an attempt to stop the chatter.

"Then what is, Sensei!" A girl with wide blue eyes clutched a teddy bear to her chest and gazed at him earnestly.

Naruto began to curl in on himself but one arm was grabbed by Tsugi. "Yeah, where do babies come from?"

Naruto began to gently pry Tsugi from his arm as he nervously answered, "Where do…where do…babies…come….well, you see, Tsugi-kun, I think that's an excellent question for Sasuke-sensei!"

Sasuke's eyes said "I weep for the future" but his actual vocal cords emitted a simple "No."

"Oh, I think it's a perfect question for Uchiha-sensei!" Naruto grinned, relieved at having passed the responsibility of answering onto another.

Sasuke closed his eyes and leaned backwards. "I already gave my answer."

Naruto scowled (End of conversation there. Bastard).

Ryu sat on the floor, crossing his legs. "Yeah, Sensei, Uchiha-san already told us babies hatch from eggs. But, what we wanted to know was how come mommies are the only ones who lay baby eggs."

The little girl with the teddy bear plopped down next to Ryu. "Yeah? How come daddies never hatch a baby?"

Naruto tried for an authoritative tone and patted the girl on the head. "I really think these questions are best for your parents…"

"But Sensei, why can't you tell us?" Tsugi whined and pulled on Naruto's shirt.

"Yeah, we want to know where babies come from!" Ino-like-child put her hands on her hips and stomped a foot, prompting more questions from the gathered children.

"And who lays the eggs?"

"How are eggs laid anyway?"

"Why can't daddies have eggs?"

Ryu squealed excitedly. "They can! They can! The boy in the book had an egg, I already told you!" He pulled out the book (Funny, Naruto thought he had that still) and opened it up, looking for a particular page.

Teddy-bear girl leaned forward in curiosity. "The boy laid an egg?"

Ryu finally found the right page and smoothed the book in his lap. "Yeah, its' right here."

"I can't read yet…"

"I'll read it to you!" Ryu settled himself and cleared his throat.

Naruto leaned over, trying to snatch the book. "I'm not sure…" He was thwarted as Ino-wannabe climbed into his lap and grabbed his hand while Tsugi claimed his free knee. The children settled into a story-time circle and Naruto threw a fully panicked (Unlike Sasuke, Naruto would freely and gladly admit to having fully panicked moments) look to Sasuke. "A little help—"

"No." Sasuke did not even open his eyes. "You started this."

Naruto would have leapt to his feet if he had not been holding two children, but settled for waving his fist at Sasuke. "I started it? How the heck—"

"Naruto-san, you're interrupting the story!" Ino-wannabe snapped and kicked Naruto's legs.

Naruto flinched and grew quiet. "Oh, sorry…wait!"

The girl silenced him by placing a finger on his lips. "Shhh! It's not polite to talk while others talk."

Ryu, meanwhile, was fully enjoying his role as storyteller (being the only one old enough to read). "It's about this boy named Dana. He helps these egg monsters, they come from Mars, escape this crazy scientist guy—"

"Read the story already!" Tsugi whined.

"Fine!" Ryu glared at his brother before clearing his throat to continue. "Anyway 'I pulled on a shirt—'"

Teddy-bear girl raised her hand in the air and in an urgent voice asked, "Wait, who's talking?"

Ryu blinked. "Dana is!"

"Who's Dana?" She hugged her bear closer.

"The boy who helped the egg monsters!" Tsugi answered for his brother and rolled his eyes.

Teddy-bear girl digested this information, but before Ryu could continue, she raised her hand again. Ryu sighed and nodded.

"How old is he?"

Ryu's forehead scrunched up. "Uhh…Twelve!" The hand stayed up.

"What color is his hair?"

Ryu shook his head"Umm-yellow I think…."

Teddy-bear girl cocked her head to the side, before settling back down "Oh." She lowered her hand.

Naruto tried to change the subject one more time. "Kids, I really don't think—"

Ino-wannabe slapped Naruto's wrist and glared at him angrily. "Naruto-san, if you don't stop intruptining you'll be sent to time out!" Naruto meekly closed his mouth and listened to Ryu.

Ryu followed the lines in the book with his fingers. "Anyway, 'I pulled on a shirt and jeans. I was feeling pretty good…' that's not important, blah, blah, blah, and then, at the end of the page—"

"Wait!" Teddy-bear girl jumped up. All the other children groaned.

"What?" Ryu cried in exasperation, waving the book in the air.

The girl crouched close to Ryu and whispered intently, "What color are Dana's eyes?"

Ryu looked at her incredulously. "Why does it matter?"

"It's important!" The girl clutched her stuffeed bear tightly.

Ryu waved the book some more. "No its not! How can it be important?"

"It just is, now tell me, Stupid!" She whacked the child on the head with her teddy-bear. Naruto flinched backward, wondering why all the females he knew seemed so sweet on the outside, but had such violent inner natures.

"Fine, they're brown, err, blue, or whatever, just stop hitting me!" Ryu paused as he sheltered his head with his book momentarily, before wearily taking the book down and opening it to finish the story.

"Anyway, like I was saying at the end of the page, Dana says, "I crouched down on the grass—and laid the biggest egg you ever saw!"

The group sat in silence for a few moments before it was ended by a voice in the back. "Is that it?"

Ryu nodded solemnly. "Yup."

Tsugi untangled himself from Naruto's arm and bounced on his heels energetically. "He laid an egg though!"

Other voices echoed his joyous discovery.

"He did lay an egg!"

"Laid an egg! Laid an egg!"

Ino-wanna be looked up at Naruto. "See, boys can lay eggs! The book says so!"

Naruto sighed and picked the girl up as he stood, setting her on her feet. "But, kids, that's a story."

Teddy-bear girl talked conspiratorially with her bear. "Yes Mr. Bear, its in a book, so it has to be real." Naruto felt a headache coming on (which was very unpleasant as he was used to giving headaches, not receiving them).

Sasuke just shrugged. "Fine."

"Sasuke!" Naruto's temper finally shattered and he flew across the room to shake his (supposed) best friend by the collar of his shirt. "You did not just tell those children men could have babies!"

Sasuke snarled and was about to snap a reply (or push a chidori through his stomach) when Ryu interrupted their spat by clinging to one of Naruto's legs . "But they can sensei, the book says so! The boy had an egg and he was twelve!"

Teddy-bear girl smiled up at them as she clung to Naruto's other leg. "Yeah sensei, you should have an egg, too!"

"What?" Naruto spluttered in shock and tightened his fists in Sasuke's shirt.

Ino-wannabe gazed up at him thoughtfully. "Are you older than twelve sensei?"

Naruto could not believe the conversation had taken this turn. "That doesn't matter—I'm not having an—"

Ryu sat on Naruto's foot. "Why not, Sensei? Do you already have an egg?"

Naruto began to shake Sasuke again, this time accidentally as irritation ran through his veins. "No! I don't—"

"You'd be a good mommy sensei!" Teddy-bear girl beamed up at him. Naruto felt Sasuke's chest quiver under his stranglehold and even as he tightened his grip had the sneaking suspicion his (supposed) best friend was laughing at him!

Ryu scowled at the little girl. "No, stupid, he'd be the daddy!"

"Even if he laid the egg?" Tsugi seemed slightly confused by this concept as well. Naruto needed to end this, quickly.

"Look, here, I'm not anybodies dadd—" Naruto felt like throwing kunai at something. Preferably small targets that just stood past his knees. Or Sasuke. That woud work too because now he was positive Sasuke was laughing, the Bastard!

"Can we see your egg when it hatches, sensei?"

"I don't—why can't Sasuke have the egg?" Naruto snapped and scowled at Sasuke, who stared back impassively with just the slightest twitch at the corner of his lips- if one knew to look for it of course.

The children looked at each other seriously before gloomily responding, "He's too grouchy."

Tsugi shook his head disapprovingly. "Too grouchy."

Teddy-bear girl's lips quivered as she deduced, "He'd squash it."

Naruto found himself considering that this was probably true, before realizing that this entire argument was nonsense and he needed to end it. Immediately.

Ino-wannabe gave both Sasuke and Naruto a smile as sweet as sugar. "But he can help you with yours!"

"NO!" Naruto rapidly pushed away from Sasuke in horror, tripping over children in the process and falling to the floor.

The children converged upon him and the thought quickly flittered across Naruto's mind that this must be what Hell is like, as one child pinned each arm and leg to the floor. "Yeah, sensei! And you can bring it here and play—"

The soft chime of the entry-way bell brought Naruto to his feet again and he flew to open the door of the playroom, relieved to be greeted by a familiar face who could save him!

"Tenten! Tell them Sasuke and I can't lay an egg!"

Ten-ten, who had just returned from a week-long mission and been told by her mother that before she could rest she had to pick up her baby brother from daycare, came to a complete halt."…What?"

Naruto fell to his knees and grasped one of her hands, begging. "Tell them that men can't have babies!"

Ten-ten tried (in vain) to pull her hand away from Naruto. "How…?" She glanced past him into the playroom to see a group of children quietly watching their sensei's emotional break down with wide eyes. Sasuke brushed past them both to retrieve her release paperwork.

Naruto wailed and pointed and tore at his hair (with the hand that was not desperately clutching at Ten-ten). "Smart Ass, here, told the kids all babies hatched from eggs and then they went home and found this book where a boy lays an egg and now they think men can have babies and that Sasuke and I should lay eggs—"

Ten-ten blinked "You should what?"

A brown blur rushed past Naruto and clung to Ten-ten. "They should have an egg, Tenten-nee!"

"An egg?," Ten-ten asked for clarification, ruffling the brown mop of hair snuggling her kneecap.

A bright smile greeted her and hands raised in expectation of being picked up. "Yup! It would be a pretty egg, wouldn't it, Tenten-nee?

Ten-ten finally managed to push Naruto off and picked up her sibling, returning his smile and cooing indulgently. "Yes, a very pretty egg."

Naruto followed her out of the playroom with a tearful "Wha-?"

Ten-ten just laughed as she balanced her brother on one hip and reached out to sign the papers Sasuke had laid on the counter with her free hand. "Take it easy, Naruto-kun, they're just kids!"

"B-b-but, men can't have babies!" Naruto shook his head from side to side pathetically.

Ten-ten raised one hand in a defensive gesture. "Hey, I'm just here to pick up my little brother. You have to clean up that one on your own!" She laid the pen down on the counter and headed toward the door. Only to be stopped as Naruto threw himself in front of it. "No, Tenten you can't—"

Ten-ten sighed and readjusted her brother. "Look, is this the whole 'where do babies come from' conversation?"

Naruto nodded tearfully.

"Then all you have to do is this." Ten-ten turned around and poked her head through the playroom door. "Hey kids!" Curious young eyes watched her face. "I know you've all heard different stories about where babies come from, right?"

Naruto stepped forward to listen better as Ten-ten's voice lowered in volume to just a slight whisper "Well, the truth is…" The kids gathered around the playroom entrance, thirsting for knowledge…"Whatever your parents tell you! Bye now, take care!" Ten-ten flashed a blinding smile and a 'thumbs-up' before sprinting out the (now unblocked) front door.

"Tenten! Come back here!" Naruto howled and watched outside longingly for several moments before reluctantly returning to the playroom entryway where Sasuke waited.

"But my Mom said I grew in the garden!"

"My Mom says I came from the gardener."

Naruto looked at his best friend with large pleading eyes. "Sasuke?"

Sasuke looked back at Naruto, unblinking for several moments, before emitting a (rather large) sigh and grimacing. He strode forward into the room "Who wants brownies?"

Next Time at The Little Ninja Sitter Center: F is for Field Trip

Author's Notes: Some of you may have realized that the children alternate between referring to Naruto and Sasuke with the suffixes of –san or –sensei and by last name-fist name. This is because a) the children aren't really sure how old Naruto and Sasuke are as their regular caretaker was much older and b) some of the children are more comfortable with them than others (some have older siblings their age or just warm up to Naruto more quickly) and c) children normally address teenaged helpers with a mix of teacher/ms,mrs,mr/helper person/lady/big kid/etc…. Being a teenage teacher of a class of three to seven year olds, I have brought some of these experiences with me into my writing.

By the way, sorry to those who desire it, but romantic pairings will not exist in my story. If that is the way you want to read the story, go for it, but I like writing friendship fics. On that note, this will not be mpreg or anything like it, its just a humorous situation that crossed my mind because I wanted to see how Naruto and Sasuke might act to a group of small children demanding to know where babies come from (and why men don't have them). Afterall, having worked with children before, everytime they start playing house and start fighting over the baby doll this question comes up. And it doesn't matter who is in the room, they want you to answer their question right then, whether you are talking with the head of the department or a pastor. Also, even in this story eggs will not be laid, the kids just got a hold of a silly fiction book and misinterpreted Sasuke-sensei's words from the previous day.