Title: F is for Field Trip

Summary: What is blue and brown and red all over? A really, really, irritated Umino Iruka.

Rating: T

Classification: General/Humor, Chapter/Drabbles (One for each letter of the Alphabet)

Disclaimer: If I owned it, Naruto-verse would be a happy world filled with pink bunnies, rainbows, and sugar-spun smiles. Good thing I don't own it then.

Author's notes: Ehhh….so, maybe I've not updated in a little (very little, tiny, bitty) while? Aren't you glad I am still alive though?

Honestly, I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter because I couldn't settle on a point of view to write from. I finally decided to write this chapter from an outsider's point of view, and I think it came out nicely. The OC Ryoko is my creation, but she probably won't appear again, she was invented to tell the story from the angle I desired, and isn't central to the plotline.

Again, please review. Tell me if you love it, hate it, or what not. Tell me what you enjoy and how you think I might be able to improve. I greatly appreciate your time and attention!

Chapter Six

F is for Field Trip

Ryoko Kameyo was very thankful for living to see her twenty-seventh birthday. If you had asked her sensei of genin days if he believed his most awkward and small student would live to this birthday, he would have snorted and replied that he was doubtful she would live past her first chunin exam. Despite (or perhaps to spite) her sensei's opinions, Ryoko held tightly to the philosophy "that which does not kill you, can only make you stronger." It did not hurt that in addition to this nindo, she seemed to have a particularly thick skull. She blamed her father's side of the family.

Unfortunately, living this long as a ninja meant that she bumbled and fumbled her way through the ranks of Konoha until she eventually secured a position in ANBU. Ryoko was by no means a genius, but she worked hard and knew how to maximize her strengths and minimize her weaknesses…and most important for ANBU she knew how to keep her mouth shut. She would never be a captain, but then again, that was not something Ryoko desired. What Ryoko desired was to take comfort in the knowledge that she was good at her job and could perform it properly. While many of her colleagues thirsted for battle and action, Ryoko preferred Hokage-sitting duty. It kept her in the village, close to her kids, but still afforded an opportunity to keep her skills honed. It paid well too. The dental benefits were unparalleled.

For all that it housed the most experienced and (supposedly) wisest ninja of Fire Country, the Hokage's office was generally a fairly disappointing place if one was looking for excitement or adventure. An ANBU could spend hours standing by the door watching harried looking people rush in and out, carrying armfuls of paperwork, and the most interesting occurrence would be the Godaime creating another hole in the wall upon receiving a paper cut. Ryoko usually hid behind her rabbit mask, apathetically watching the sun draw closer to the earth outside the window, measuring the length of her shift and trying to remember what groceries she needed to gather for dinner at the market on her way home.

Today, however, was promising to be a bit more exciting. Business had been proceeding in its usual fashion. Shizune-san watered down Hokage-sama's sake late in the morning while the Godaime was engaged in a rather heated discussion with a merchant demanding a discount on a completed escort mission, claiming one of his chunin guards bled on and thus destroyed his merchandise.

The chubby man tore an oddly feathered cap off his head and thrust it in Tsunade-sama's face. "That chest was hundreds of years old, it's been in the family-"

"And you were attacked and protected, which was the exact wording of our contract. You did not include any clauses covering merchandise damage, and you will pay in full. That's final." Tsunade-sama tipped her drink back for a sip, but spat out the concoction shortly after it touched her lips. She gave her cup an odd look, and then turned to scowl at Shizune who was suddenly very busy with the mission files.

"Sakura-Fix this!" Tsunade-sama thrust her drink toward her pink haired apprentice who quietly acquiesced and slipped from the room.

"My wares are ruined!" wailed the large man, gaining volume and growing red in the face.

"But your life isn't!" Tsunade-sama fixed the man with a cranky stare and slammed her fist on her desk, shaking the entire office. Chubby man wilted and returned to resembling a pasty dumpling in complexion as Sakura slipped back into the room. "Now, you will pay the previously agreed amount or you will not be doing business with us again. Give me that-" Tsunade-sama grabbed the cup Sakura offered her and attempted to drain it, tossing her head back. Instead, she immediately started choking, "What is this?"

"Green tea, Shishou," her apprentice replied, calmly tucking a loose strand of pink hair behind an ear as she resumed reading up on the newest medical jutsu in the far corner of the room.

The Godaime snarled at the girl, "I don't want tea-"

"Now, now, Hokage-sama, it can't always be about what you want, you have to think about what's best for the village too…" Shizune-san clucked disapprovingly at their leader, "and you get through more paperwork when you are sober!"

Ton-ton happily snorted in agreement from her shady spot beneath the Hokage's desk.

"But I'm not drunk enough to deal with idiots like him!" Tsunade-sama glowered at the offending merchant, who shrunk just a bit lower in his chair as he fetched his coin purse and relinquished a handful of gold to Shizune's outstretched hand. Tsunade-sama waved dismissively toward the door, "Get him out of here!"

Shizune-sama hastily escorted the merchant, who looked on the verge of tears, away from the office. The room settled into a drowsy calm, broken only by the shuffling of papers and the occasional exchange of questions between master and apprentice regarding medical matters far too complex for Ryoko's comprehension.

The first sign of trouble that breached Ryoko's senses was the faintest flare of vaguely familiar chakra approaching the building. Ryoko tensed-whoever was coming was not happy-but as the chakra signatures grew closer, she relaxed her stance in recognition.

"Hokage-sama…" Sakura's voice trailed off as she glanced at the door, she too was able to recognize their arrivals.

Tsunade-sama's lips tightened as she hunched her shoulders over her paperwork. "I'm not dealing with it. Send them away."

Shizune gave a concerned glance toward the door "But Hokage-sama they aren't alo-"

"I don't care!" The Hokage began to stamp the paper in front of her with a bit too much force. "I'm not in the mood. For any of them. If they aren't dying of blood loss, missing limbs, or in need of skin grafts for third degree burns, I don't want them in my office!"

Shizune-san nodded and closed the door softly behind her as she headed down the hall to intercept their incoming visitors. While Ryoko could not quite grasp the exact wording of the conversation occurring down the hall, she could definitely feel the fluctuating, aggravated chakra and the varying tones, so she was not too surprised when the door flew open and an irate Umino Iruka stomped into the room dragging two rather contrite teenagers and followed by a flustered Shizune.

What was surprising was the physical appearance of their three visitors, as they sported various burn marks, torn clothes, and all were completely drenched. It looked like Umino and his captives had been drug through a bristle patch and then dumped into the wrong side of the hot springs.

"Ow, ow, ow, Iruka-sensei! I said sorry!" The young blond boy whined in pain and twisted in Iruka's grasp. Ryoko inwardly winced in agreement, that grip looked painful, and chunin-sensei were known to have perfected ear-gripping to a form of torture. "It was all accidental, really! I mean, honestly, who knew that adding wind to that katon would make it blow up like that!"

"Shut up, Naruto!" The Uchiha heir hissed at his companion from Umino's right, where he stood stiff and flushed, no doubt embarrassed from being dragged by his ear through the village at the hands of his academy sensei.

"These two…!" Apparently, Umino was so angry his words were not forming properly.

Well, whatever happened, it would be entertaining. Ryoko settled in to watch the fireworks.

Hokage-sama drummed her fingers on her desk and stared at the display in front of her. Uzumaki flailed and twisted, whimpering in Umino's grasp. Uchiha stared straight forward, studying the far wall as if he might make it melt from the intensity of his gaze. Sakura appeared to be shocked and sat frozen in the corner as Shizune anxiously wrung her hands next to the Hokage. "I'm so sorry Hokage-sama, they just-"

Tsunade-sama stopped Shizune's apology with a raised hand and a grunt. "Sake, now." She continued drumming her fingers on the desk. Shizune seemed to want to protest, but when the wood cracked under Tsunade-sama's fingers, she just bobbed her head and fled the room once more.

The Godaime raked her eyes across the room. Finally, she crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. "Well?"

Umino took in a large, shuddering breath, "These two idiot students-"

Uzumaki cut in, loudly protesting, "Not fair, it's all Sasuke-bastard's fault this time I promise!"

"Shut up, Deadlast!" Uchiha attempted to kick at Uzumaki but got caught in Umino's legs, all three tumbling to the floor and falling in a heap, with Umino sandwiched in the middle of the two teens who struggled to punch at one another.

"You had the smart idea with the microwave asshole!" Uzumaki snapped as he both tried to pull Sasuke forward to land a solid punch and push Umino out of the way.

Umino gave an indignant squawk as Sasuke thrust his hand forward to block Uzumaki and wound up slamming Umino's nose. "It was your wind jutsu!"

Umino folded over in pain, clutching his nose as Uzumaki pushed past him and tackled Uchiha, slamming him to the floor. "I didn't know about sprinklers, you jerk, and now you hurt Iruka-sensei!"

The Hokage rolled her eyes and gave a slight nod to Ryoko, who doused the fussing children with a swiftly murmured "suiton". As the two lay spluttering in shock, drenched (further) with the cold water, Sakura rushed forward to tend to Umino's nose. Ton-ton squealed unhappily and retreated further under the Hokage's desk.

Tsunade-sama muttered something about idiots and sobriety under her breath before taking a sip from a cup given to her by a tentative Shizune. She considered the sopping teenagers sitting subdued on her floor. "It's only one." They both gazed back blankly. "One." Tsunade-sama repeated. "In the afternoon. You do realize that, don't you?"

Uchiha rose hesitantly to his feet and stood, dripping, in the center of the room. Ryoko grimaced in her head, that wood was going to warp, she would have to remember to send in a maintenance request to get the floor fixed. Uzumaki continued to sulk in his puddle, crossing his arms and legs and sticking his lower lip out in a pout.

Tsunade-sama scowled, "I do realize that you both specialize in ineptitude, but how much trouble can you have caused by one o'clock on a Saturday afternoon!"

Uchiha straightened his shoulders and set his jaw stubbornly, averting his gaze from Tsunade-sama's interrogating brown eyes and instead focusing on the scenery outside the window.

Uzumaki shifted uncomfortably on the floor and rubbed a nervous hand up and down the back of his head. "Well, you see…ha-ha…it's, uh, kind of a long story…"

Tsunade's piercing gaze narrowed and she replied in a clipped voice. "Perhaps you'd best start at the beginning then, and hurry it up so I can assess how much property damage you owe."

Uzumaki stuck out his tongue, "So mean, Granny!"

"Naruto!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm talking, I'm talking." He cleared his voice and began his story "So, Once upon a time-"

"Naruto, please!" Sakura scolded lightly from the background, where she was applying pressure to Umino's nose.

"It's my story, it goes how I want it to!"

Ryoko was beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea to make these two temporary child-carers. They seemed to be regressing.

"Anyways, like I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted," at this statement, Sakura rolled her eyes. "Once upon a time there was an AMAZING SUPERB AWESOME NINJA! and his stupid sidekick." Upon this statement, Uchiha rolled his eyes and scoffed, but did not interrupt the story.

"AMAZING SUPERB AWESOME NINJA! and his stupid sidekick were on a TOTALLY IMPORTANT MISSION, when all of the sudden, their charges got hungry. So, AMAZING SUPERB AWESOME NINJA! decided to stay and do the most important job of protecting their charges while his stupid sidekick went to find food-"

"Does this story have a point," interrupted the Hokage, tapping her fingers again.

"I'm getting there!" Uzumaki puffed his cheeks out, which was a mannerism Ryoko was sure he meant to look indignant, but had the (she presumed) undesired effect of making him look life an aggravated pufferfish. "So, when the stupid sidekick went to find food, he decided to make popcorn by putting it into a metal pan in the microwave!"

Now the Uchiha, butted in, voice laced with scorn and sarcasm and things most cynical, "Well, maybe if the 'amazing superb awesome ninja' had helped out when he was asked to the microwave wouldn't have exploded! And maybe, if the 'amazing superb awesome ninja' didn't panic when the sprinklers went off, he wouldn't have released a wind jutsu that made the fire bigger!"

Uzumaki glared and stood up, "Oh yeah! Well maybe if the stupid sidekick hadn't tried to use a chidori on me to suppress his conches frustration he wouldn't have electrically fried the building on top of barbequing it!"

"It's 'express unconscious frustration, Moron, if you are going to quote psychological theory, do it properly!"

"Oh excuse me, Mr. I use big words to compensate for my sma-"

"Enough!" The Hokage's voice sliced through the room, ending the argument as quickly and decisively as if she had used fists instead of words. "Alright, you blew up the daycare center, which doesn't shock me as much as it should. So what did you do with your charges and how is Umino involved in all of this?"

"Well…" Here Uzumaki grew sheepish and shuffled his feet against the floor. "We couldn't stay at the center and we couldn't send the kids home, so we decided to go on a field trip!"

"A field trip?" Hokage-sama repeated the word and cocked her head questioningly at the boy.

"Yup! So we went to search for Iruk-"

"Wait, Naruto!" Umino spoke up from the corner, gingerly touching his now healed nose. "Tell Hokage-sama exactly how you went searching for me!"

"I didn't do anything wrong! We didn't hurt them! We just didn't…want them to wander off and get lost or somethin'…"

"Naruto, what did you do?" Sakura's voice indicated that she was dreading the answer, but it was the Uchiha boy that responded first.

"We just…tied them together." Uchiha shrugged. "That's it."

"You tied them together?" Shizune looked confused. "I don't understand…"

"They tied them together. With ropes." Umino rubbed his forehead tiredly, "Like you would tie pets together, and then they tied them off to themselves. One long rope of ninja kids-"

"Naruto! You can't do that to children!" Sakura sounded scandalized.

"It didn't hurt them! I swear, some of them were even having fun!" Naruto held up his hands defensively.

"What about the others not included in that some?" Sakura glared threateningly at her teammate and tightened the glove on her wrist.

"Well, uh, they might have been whining a bit, but those ones were tattle-brats anyway, they were perfectly fine!"

"Naruto!"

"Enough! Again, moving forward….Shizune, I need more sake! Now, Naruto, Sasuke, is there anything else I need to know about?" Tsunade watched both young men twitch.

Uzumaki vehemently shook his head negatively, "Nope! Nothing else!" He gave a large, fanged, grin, "Oh, look at the time! Gotta go!"

"Naruto!" Umino's sharp tone stopped his former student in his tracks. "Leave this room without finishing this story and I'll never treat you to ramen again!"

Uzumaki's jaw dropped "No ramen, sensei, too harsh!"

"Talk!" was Umino's stiff command.

The Uchiha offspring sighed and spoke up in his friend's silence, "We took the charges off to find Iruka-sensei, we figured he would have an idea about what we could do…."

"Only when we got there they told us Iruka-sensei took his class out for field work so we went to see him in the practice field!" Uzumaki's bright chirp made the situation seem completely innocent and harmless.

Umino snorted, "I was giving my students their first practical in detecting traps, and apparently, these two thought the course was too easy and, decided-"

"To help! We only wanted to help!" Uzumaki swayed apologetically. "We were trying to teach too! We were teaching our kids how to set better traps, we didn't realize Sensei was about to run the course to show the kids what to do! Honest!"

Uchiha chose his words carefully, "We reset things a bit too well, I think…"

"We didn't mean to blow your practice field up, Iruka sensei, I swear!"

"That's not the point Naruto! Somebody could've been hurt!" Umino shouted indignantly and looked like he was about to start pulling out his hair. "My kids are seven, not seventeen, they can't deal with traps that advanced!"

The two boys exchanged looks. Naruto spoke up timidly, "Well, um, sensei, we are ninja…?"

"But Naruto," Sakura chimed in, "You can't expect children, who aren't ninja yet, to be able to find traps that you and Sasuke set."

Uzumaki looked at her puzzled, "Why not?"

Uchiha gave a choked sound, and the corner of his lips tilted upward ever so slightly, "Afterall, Sakura, if they can't find Naruto's traps, that doesn't bode well for their future..."

Uzumaki shook his head in agreement, "Yeah! We totally did them a favor! Believe it! Wait…you just insulted me you creepton!"

Sakura hung her head in her hands.

"I think you mean cretin, Naruto" said Umino, who was beginning to resemble a calm if overworked academy teacher once more.

Tsunade put her pen to some paperwork "Alright, Naruto and Sasuke will be charged for damages to the daycare…"

"Awww, Granny, please? We're not getting paid much now anyway…" The Uzumaki boy whined and leaned pleadingly over Tsunade-sama's desk.

Tsunade-sama huffed, but was long past sober and agreed that the boys would not have to cover financial damages this time, but they would have to replant the practice field.

"So, Granny, since the daycare is busted, does this mean Sasuke and I can do something else now?" Uzumaki cast large, hopeful eyes on the Hokage.

Tsunade-sama's lips quirked, "I'm not that drunk. You'll still be serving the same duty for the original duration of the mission, we'll just have to temporarily relocate the center." Sakura snickered at the crestfallen look on Uzumaki's face as Uchiha stared, unaffected, out the window. Tsunade-sama paused as she made some notations on a scroll lying on her desk. "Naruto, where are the kids right now?"

Uzumaki absentmindedly rubbed the bridge of his nose, "Oh, its fine, Iruka-sensei sen his home and we tied ours off to Kakashi-sensei."

Tsunade-sama dropped her pen and Sakura stopped mid snicker, "You did what?"

Uzumaki looked up alarmed "Don't screech Sakura –chan! We figured Kaka-sensei knows how to raise dogs and kids aren't that much different, I mean you just feed, water, and play with them…stop lookin' at me like that! Don't hit me, Sasuke came up with it first!"

Tsunade-sama shook her head sadly and Umino hesitantly stepped forward. "Should I go rescue the children, Hokage-sama?"

Tsunade-sama shrugged her shoulders, "They don't possess flawless logic, but time with Kakashi won't kill them. It will probably do him some good. Let him deal with the brats for a couple of hours. Go relax and take Naruto for ramen and get him out of my office."

"Ramen?" Uzumaki popped his head in between the two, staring in devoted adoration at Umino, "Are we having ramen sensei?"

Umino sighed, laughing in resignation, "Well, I'm not very good at saying no, so I guess so!" Tsunade-sama shooed them toward the door.

Uzumaki let out a loud woop and caught Uchiha's arm, "Come on Bastard, let's go get ramen. Sakura-chan are you coming?"

Sakura hesitated and bit her lip, "I really shouldn't, I have so much work…" She trailed off looking at the Hokage.

Tsunade-sama waved Sakura toward the door, and the pink haired apprentice flew after her teammates.

"Umm, sensei…I'm really sorry that Sasuke bastard hurt your nose, but I'm sure you've had worse, right?…."

The voices faded as Shizune slid the door shut and leaned against it. "I don't know what it is about those three, but they always leave me exhausted!"

Tsunade-sama grunted in agreement and attempted to take a drink only to find it disappointingly empty. She held it upside down and scowled.

Shizune crossed the room and began to pick up papers that Uzumaki knocked over during his visit, "Are you sure it's ok to leave those children with Hatake-san for such a long time?"

The Hokage played with her empty sake cup irritably, "It's only a few hours. Besides he's gonna have to get used to children some day and really, they aren't that much different from puppies…"

Ryoko sometimes wondered how anyone could assume ninja to be wise when they chose a career path which almost guaranteed a painful death and halved life span. She supposed insanity was a requirement. She sighed, soon she would be able to go home to her own children. She hoped that they hadn't gotten into her explosive tags again…she hated having to call the medic nins after five.

Once Upon a Time…In a Not so Far Away Part of Konoha

Hatake Kakashi was having a very odd day, he decided. About two hours ago, his two not quite so beloved students dragged him out of a tree, said "Here, take these," thrust a handful of ropes into his hands, and promptly disappeared, followed by a screaming, frothing chunin sensei who chased them down the street.

So, now the infamous copy ninja found himself sitting in the middle of the park surrounded by ten rather young children. He was a bit worried about moving, he was (not scared, of course) but concerned about possibly stepping on one. He might break them. And while he was dealing alright with them at the moment, he wasn't sure what would happen if one of them became broken.

"We want a story, sensei!" Demanded a very, very, young girl in pig-tails who vaguely reminded Kakashi of Asuma's student Ino. Well, stories were easy enough…he had one in his pocket, he'd just have to…edit…a bit.

He cleared his throat as the children settled about his feet, "Once upon a time, there was a lovely, young…er, but older than you, buxom blonde with-"

"Sensei!"

"…Yes?"

"What's 'buxom' mean?

"…"