Yes, I am aware that it has been painfully long since the last time I updated. But school has been crazy and my personal life has just been slightly wackier than normal, ( which, believe me, is a lot more dangerous than it sounds,) and when I have had the time to write I've simply not wanted to and have opted for rereading some of my favorite fics. Anyway, this chapter has a bit of a treat in it for all of you wonderful readers, so I hope it has been worth the wait.

You know, even though I have been enjoying some of my school I just can't wait till it's over because then I'll be able to devote way more of my time to writng and updating.

Merlin was overjoyed; he could finally eat solid food again! Of course, he was still a little daunted by the multiple baskets of food that Margaret had no doubt sent him, but it did taste wonderful.

Merlin supposed he shouldn't have been so miserable about not having normal food; after all, he hadn't even had any appetite since getting captured. And the one time Gaius had relented to his incessant pleas for 'real food' he'd thrown up the stew he'd been given into a bucket held by a quite unsympathetic physician.

No, he shouldn't have despaired so much at the lack of ordinary food since he normally didn't have much to begin with anyway. It was not that he didn't like food; he just never had made a big deal about it. Looking back on the past week now, Merlin began to think that the only reason for his complaints about his rations was because he had been so bored. He hadn't left Gaius' chambers in more than a week and it had been starting to get to him.

Of course, at first he'd slept for most of the day and night so boredom really hadn't been a problem. Plus, he'd had plenty of things to entertain him when he was awake.

He shuddered at the memory of not only Arthur's explanation of what had happened, but also the more magical events that Gaius had relayed to him. For the second time in less than a month Merlin had apparently used very powerful magic while being mostly unconscious and nearly dead. Actually third, if you counted when he had let loose his magic because of Arthur being knocked out. Gaius had also told him of how his magic had almost definitely been what had led the knights to them and therefore had been vital to their rescue.

It was an understatement to say that Merlin had been surprised at all that had happened in the few days he'd been fighting for his life.

And in turn Merlin had also told Gaius of all that he remembered since slipping into that half-world that he'd been occupying so often lately. When he'd asked Gaius if the dream or vision that he'd had of Arcturus in his cell was real the old man hadn't known the answer, but had said that he was glad that real or not, it had helped him come back.

And try hard as he might there were a few things that Merlin couldn't remember from being unconscious. Like all the things his mind had known and then forgotten. Gaius had said that that had either been some product or illusion of his subconscious, or perhaps his magic really had allowed him to see everything. He remembered every word.

"It is possible that you really did see everything, Merlin," Gaius said as he gazed at the warlock who was always surprising him. "Magic is supposed to surround and encompass everything. Magic is said to be a part of the earth itself. For centuries scholars and priests and priestesses of the Old Religion have believed and wondered if one delved deeply enough into their magic then maybe they could know everything. Some believed that if you were in-tune enough with your magic you could know and understand everything there is to know. No one has ever accomplished this, but your magic is unique, Merlin, perhaps you are the first."

Merlin still didn't know the answer to that, and maybe he never would. He didn't like to think of himself as having that much power.

And there was also that name, the name that Arcturus had called him in his dream. No matter how hard he concentrated he couldn't remember the strange and magical name he had been called. For some reason this bothered Merlin quite a lot.

But he'd been completely distracted from those thoughts when Gaius mentioned with a sad look in his eyes that Arthur no longer believed that his magical protector was someone he could trust. Merlin was hit with a memory of hearing that even in his deep coma state. He had withdrawn even further into himself when he had heard those words. The thought that Arthur had nearly killed him with just a few sentences hurt Merlin, but not as much as the knowledge that Arthur believed that because of him. Merlin had caused Arthur to lose any doubts he may have had about the evilness of magic.

And it didn't help matters any when Gaius scolded him harshly for not using his magic to save himself when he could have easily done so. But Merlin had argued that Arthur's life was more important and that if he had revealed his magic Arthur may have killed him, which would mean both of their deaths in the end. And though Gaius seemed to have understood that allowing himself to be tortured was quite possibly the only way to save both of their lives the old man hadn't been happy about it.

In all honesty Merlin wasn't particularly happy about it either. Of course, he'd do it again in a heartbeat if it meant keeping Arthur safe, but that didn't change the fact that the whole incident still plagued him badly. He found himself jumping at loud noises and that he was almost painfully sensitive to everyone's touch but Arthur's. But it was the nightmares that bothered him the most, not the flashbacks or the disturbing memories, and that was because he still wasn't in complete control of his magic. It seemed like his magic was so bent on protecting him that it couldn't tell reality from a dream world. More than once he had nearly cracked Gaius' head open with a large book his magic sent flying. And Gaius had told him of the great bursts of powerful energy that, had anyone actually been right in front of him, would have blown them to bits.

Merlin just hoped that none of this happened while Arthur was there. But none of it had, apparently the prince had a calming presence that his magic could sense and there were no outbursts. Merlin was intensely grateful for that, but wondered why it was the case. Is it just because Arthur was with him throughout that whole nightmare?

But none of this was what was bothering Merlin right now as he sat on his bed with a magic book in his lap that he was failing to read. An hour or two ago Merlin had felt a strange and disconcerting presence that had disturbed him. But as quickly as that feeling had come it had died down to be replaced with relief, as if some weight that had been on his shoulders was now gone.

And so now he was wondering what that had meant. It felt magical, but that didn't necessarily mean that it was these days. His magic seemed to find a threat in everything.

Merlin was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Gaius' door opening. He was in his own room, which was adjacent to Gaius' so he had enough time to quickly stash his magic book with a golden glow of his eyes before Arthur slowly opened his door.

As Arthur walked in Merlin tried to look like he hadn't been hiding anything illegal. Arthur came over and sat down on the bed and looked down pointedly at the plate of food Merlin had barely touched. "Margaret won't be very happy if she sees that."

Lost in his thoughts, Merlin had totally forgotten about the delicious food he'd finally been allowed to have. As he looked down at the food that was without a doubt of far better quality than he normally had, his stomach rumbled, reminding him of his hunger.

Yet he lost all desire for food when he saw the look on Arthur's face. The young prince's eyes were swirling with dozens of emotions, but mostly he just looked conflicted and little wonder if his eyes were anything to go by. There was something in his manner that both scared and relieved Merlin, and once again he didn't know why.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Arcturus is dead. He killed himself."

Millions of thoughts and feelings assaulted Merlin all at once. Revulsion and just a hint of fear at hearing that man's name. Relief that he was dead and could no longer harm him. Vindictive pleasure at knowing that he had got what was coming to him, and fear at what that emotion might mean about him. A cold numbness since he had known that he was going to die tomorrow anyway—and really, what did a one day difference mean? Confusion that he would end his own life and curiosity as to why. Understanding at about Arthur's behavior now that he knew what was bothering him. And sadness.

The sadness would have confused and troubled him a few years ago, but within the last few days Merlin had come to realize how sorry he was for the sorcerer. He sincerely doubted that the man's cruelty was all his own fault, though, most of it probably was.

Looking at Arthur, he knew he completely understood the swirl of emotions in those eyes.

There was a long silence. Eventually Merlin said, "I don't know what to say. It's just so…"

"Overwhelming?" Arthur supplied. Merlin nodded his head. "I know what you mean. I don't know whether to feel happy or sad or angry, or just plain relieved that he's dead." He huffed a humorless laugh. "Arcturus did always love messing with me."

Merlin silently agreed. After a few more minutes of silence he finally asked, "How did he kill himself? It's not like it's particularly easy to harm anyone—even yourself—in Camelot's dungeon's."

Arthur was a bit surprised at the boy's question since he hadn't even thought about it himself until his father had brought it up. "Gaius came down and looked him over. He said that the only way it could have been done would have been through magic." Arthur didn't tell Merlin that he had been there or that his knife had been the one to kill him. After all, Merlin didn't need to know.

"But...how? Wasn't he given that magic-suppressing drug?" Merlin inquired.

"He was, and, let me tell you, my father wasn't happy that he had been able to use his magic. Gaius said that there are certain spells that a sorcerer can create beforehand and can use later without needing to use any magic. Apparently the only thing Arcturus needed was to say a word of his choosing and he invoked a spell he had cast earlier." To be honest Gaius' explanation had done more to confuse him that anything else. "Gaius thinks that the spell he cast was one that used anything available in the surrounding area to kill him. Arcturus must have known that he might get captured, otherwise he wouldn't have casted such a spell."

Merlin nodded in understanding, though, Arthur wondered if maybe the boy was just pretending to comprehend it. But he probably wasn't, living with Gaius seemed to have enhanced the servant's understanding of magic, which Arthur wasn't sure was necessarily a good thing.

Arthur had recounted the basic details of what had happened first to his father and then to Gaius. He had spent the last two hours dealing with the suicide of the cruel sorcerer and just a few minutes ago Gaius had mentioned that maybe he should be the one to tell Merlin. Even though it had been plenty of time since the initial death, Arthur was still just as muddled in his emotions as Merlin now was.

"Is it…wrong…that I feel…relieved?" Merlin asked, not looking at Arthur and sounding very unsure of himself. "To feel happy that he is dead? I mean…he would have died tomorrow…and-and after all the he did to...if he hadn't been captured, if he...hadn't died but had escaped…I don't' think I could have lived with that…knowing that the one who…I think it would have driven me insane." Arthur had never heard the boy sound so lost and confused. The breaks in his speech alone were enough to tell him that he was feeling conflicted. "I guess that I'm glad—glad that he'd dead. But what does that make me?"

Merlin looked up at Arthur and the prince saw for the first time a small boy, lost and alone. For some reason Arthur believed that this wasn't the servant he knew, but the Merlin from long ago coming back to haunt. Merlin needed his answer.

"Given the chance…would you kill him, Merlin? Would you kill Arcturus?" He stared at Merlin, trying to read his expression while his own face gave nothing away.

"What?" Merlin seemed genuinely stunned by the question. But when he realized that Arthur wasn't going to be any more forthcoming he pondered his answer before giving it. "I-I don't think I would. I think I might want to, but not for long because I know I would regret it."

Arthur read the truth in Merlin's eyes. "Well, then it isn't wrong. It isn't wrong to feel relieved or glad because you've earned that. As long as, given the chance, you wouldn't seek revenge, I think that everything you're-we're feeling is normal. I think we're still the better men, Merlin." Arthur smiled and as he saw Merlin give him one back he knew that this is what the boy had needed.

For a while they both just sat on the bed in a comfortable silence. But Arthur knew that this couldn't last long. He still had something he needed to ask Merlin, even though he didn't really think he'd be given a proper answer.

"Merlin?" Arthur started tentatively. The young man looked up expectantly. "I have something I want to ask you, but you don't have to answer. I'll understand if you don't. I won't make you.

"Merlin when we were in that…dungeon when Arcturus was about to—" Arthur still had trouble mentioning what had happened just like Merlin. "I saw something, on…on your back. They were scars. That wasn't the first time that you had been…hurt like that. How, Merlin? What happened?"

Merlin shifted and then winced as the action pulled on his still-quite-sensitive back. The boy seemed to study his hands for a moment before looking up.

It was hard not to gasp at the look in Merlin's eyes. That same expression, the one Arthur had seen in Gaius' and Uther's eyes, was now reflected in Merlin's. It was a look of the kind of wisdom that could only come from suffering and time. In that one look Merlin seemed to be very old and Arthur wondered if maybe he wasn't the innocent young boy that everyone seemed to see him as.

"I'll tell you, Arthur, I'll tell you what I don't think I've told anyone before, not even to Will who was my best friend. I'll tell you because you asked as a friend and didn't order as a master."

Arthur was surprised. It hadn't really believed that he would be given what he wanted.

Merlin ate a mouthful of his now tasteless food, probably in an attempt to stall for a little while longer, and then he began. "It happened many years ago, in Ealdor. I was fifteen at the time. As I told you before, Arthur, we were all a close-knit group. In our town we all helped each other.

"But there was one man who didn't. He was old and had no family or friends left. Perhaps not by your standards, but by ours he was rich. He had his own garden that could supply most of his food and whatever else he needed he would buy from the caravans that passed through. He never needed anyone's help and never asked for it. And he would only talk to anyone if absolutely necessary. He kept to himself and that strange little shack he had on the edge of his land. He lived on the outskirts of Ealdor and we all sort of left him alone. We had long since learned that any attempt to be friends with him was met with stony silence. For the most part everyone just left him alone."

Merlin sighed heavily. "Until one night when the small fence surrounding his property caught fire. Everyone who saw it immediately came running to help, including me, and together we all managed to put it out. His garden and house was saved, only the fence was damaged. Instead of thanking anyone, he proceeded to accuse me of purposely setting his fence on fire…with magic."

Arthur was stunned. Not only was the idea of Merlin having magic completely ludicrous, but the mere thought that Merlin would purposely harm anyone or anything was just inconceivable. He just wouldn't. Then Arthur thought of him drinking the poison and of how he had confessed to having magic for Gwen and he realized that that was not strictly true. Thinking on it now, he knew that Merlin would harm someone, but only to protect his loved ones.

Arthur shivered as his attention went back to what Merlin had said. He had a bad feeling that he knew how it had turned out.

"Of course, I denied it," Merlin continued, "and the others vouched for me. I hadn't done anything of the sort, but the old man still insisted that I had. Eventually he stormed inside his house and everyone thought that that was the end of it.

"But it wasn't." Arthur could see the tenseness in Merlin's posture and hear it in his voice. "The next night I went out for a walk while everyone was asleep." At Arthur's confused expression Merlin elaborated. "I often did that. Ealdor was so peaceful at night and I suppose I just liked seeing it that way. In retrospect it wasn't the wisest thing to do. I didn't go out walking like that again until a year later.

"Suddenly, as I was walking, something came up from behind and knocked me unconscious. When I woke up I was hanging by my wrists from a pair of chains." Arthur felt his anger boil at that.

"I wasn't in his house…I was in that tiny little shack of his. But though the hut was small, it was very tall and, since I was shackled to its ceiling, my feet weren't even touching the ground. I was already in a lot of pain from my wrists having to support all my weight."

Arthur already hated this man and had a feeling that he was going to hate him a lot more before this story was over.

"Then that old man came in and declared that I had used magic with the intent of destroying his land. He…he said that he was going to make me confess to it. That's when I noticed the whip he had in his hand and that I was missing my shirt.

"I-I'd never felt so afraid before…or since."

That lost child was making himself known again in Merlin and Arthur hoped that the telling of this story might do Merlin more good than harm.

"I told him that I hadn't used magic, but he…he didn't believe me. Then he…he whipped me.

"I had been in pain before. Once I had broken my ankle and could barely keep myself from screaming as my mother tented to it. But that-that was nothing compared to this. That pain was unlike anything I had ever imagined. And every time he brought the whip down he would yell at me to confess and all I would be able to do was scream.

"At first I was adamant even through the pain that I wasn't going to confess to something that I hadn't done. But eventually I was desperate to if it meant that the pain would just stop, but at that point my voice was too raw and the agony was too great to say anything."

Arthur could see the faintest glimmer of tears in Merlin's eyes and was struck again by the fact that Merlin had never told this to anybody.

"I remember hoping while he was whipping me that my friends would come. That they would put a stop to this.

"I-I don't know how long that lasted, but I know that he finally got frustrated that what he was doing wasn't working and he threw down his whip and left. I'm not sure how long I hung there because by that time I had lost a lot of blood. I just remember the never-ending pain and that every second seemed too long and too short to be normal."

Merlin took another bite of food and sighed. "When all my friends and family woke up they didn't know anything was wrong at first. It took them a while before they realized that no one had seen me that day. Most of this I only know from being told, but when they finally remembered the way that old man had reacted to me two nights before they came searching for me. By the time that they found me in the shack I was deeply in shock and I barely remember seeing any of them at all.

"For days they cared for me and I'm told that for a while many of them believed that I wouldn't live. But eventually I began to heal. But my mind didn't. I wouldn't talk to anyone for weeks after it happened. I had desperately believed that they would come and save me…but they didn't, not until it was almost too late. In my nightmares I would still be there…hanging from the ceiling—alone. I felt so lonely, I—" Merlin stopped talking for a moment and then took a deep breath and continued. Arthur couldn't even imagine the pain that reliving these memories must be causing him. Now he wished he had never asked.

"The worst part was that we didn't know what had happened to him, that man. When they found me he had already packed up his things and left. For a whole year I couldn't go outside alone because the thought of him still out there scared me. But then one day my friend Will had been hunting in the forest and he came back lugging a body. Will thought that he had died by being mauled by a bear or some other creature. To this day I still don't know how I feel about his death.

"I only stopped having the nightmares about what happened a month or two before I came to Camelot. And now I've got new ones."

Arthur just stared at Merlin. He wanted to rip apart with his bare hands the man who had done this to him. He was so angry, and yet so amazed. He couldn't help but speak his thoughts. "And after all of that, you went through it again for Camelot? For me?"

Merlin seemed to consider the question. "It was both worse and better this time, knowing what to expect. And though I hated the thought of that happening to me again, the idea of giving up Camelot's secrets or letting that happen to you was unthinkable. Your father is right, Arthur, you are the prince, the future king, my life is worth nothing in comparison to yours." There was no sarcasm or mocking tone in his voice. He meant it.

Arthur couldn't believe what he was hearing. He got up from the bed and began to pace. He now knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that his previous decision was the right one. He had to do it even though he didn't want to. He had promised several people that he would take care of Merlin and now he had to make good on that promise. The boy simply had no sense of self-preservation.

His back was to Merlin and, without turning to look at him, he said, "You're fired, Merlin."

So yeah, I know you all hate me for that cliffhanger, but I really thought that this chapter shouldn't be 6000 words so I ended it here. Plus, I just really didn't want to write the next scene at the moment.

So, you all finally know about Merlin's whipping past, I hope it didn't disappoint. Please review and tell me what you think of it because I seriously want to know. I hope that it all wasn't to out of character for you guys.

Also, who else LOVED the last two Merlin episodes? *raises both hands and waves them around wildly*