Disclaimer: Square Enix made Cloud moody, not slightly insane. So, don't sue, cuz it isn't getting a profit. Etc. etc. etc.
A/N: Okay, now this story is something that I've started in order to get myself back into writing again. I'm hoping that if I start another story I might be able to get out all the miscellaneous thoughts in my head and return to actively writing one of my other stories. Writer's block wouldn't actually describe what I'm going through at the moment. I have plenty of ideas, the problem is, none of them actually go along with a story that I've already started writing, or fit an update I've been trying to complete. When it comes to those things my brain always shuts down and no words come out. I'm all over the place and ideas for new stories keep filling my head, not ideas to complete others. It's rather frustrating. Anyways, this story is an attempt to get back into a serialization, because I'm having serious issues with continuing the stories I've been writing.
Warnings: This is not a story for young eyes. There will be some scenes that may disturb others, normally my stories are rated M for the language, thought process, and situations that are described. This one might actually contain smut. There will be derogatory comments about homosexuals because one of the characters will be a bit of a homophobe. I felt that a gay man who is homophobic would be a very good challenge for me. Some gay men are homophobic and take their anger out on others because of the way they were raised. They were taught that homosexuality was wrong, and having feelings for others of the same gender lead to severe emotional turmoil. This is an extremely painful state of mind that needs to be addressed. No one should feel that they have to hate themselves for who they are and fear those who are like them. There will be crude language, and etc.
Chapter One: Not A Dream
"You know blondie? You're my type."
Cloud froze and very nearly began hyperventilating. The line was not spoken in the sleazy voice of a perverted old man, or the high voice of a sadly desperate woman. No, a smooth, deep, and incredibly sexy voice was speaking in his right ear. He knew this voice. This voice didn't normally address him. The owner of this voice had only once spoken to him.
This was not something that usually happened to Cloud. The voice speaking those lines didn't normally belong to someone he knew. The speaker never had the power to turn him on with the low purr he/she added to that ridiculousline. His type? Like hell. Cloud wasn't a type. No one was like him, no one would ever be like him, and no one would ever want to be like him. At one point in time, Cloud was ashamed of how different he was from everyone else, not anymore. Cloud was proud that he wasn't a type.
Slowly, he turned his head to the right and took in the slightly cocky, extremely friendly smile that lay upon the speaker's lips. Cloud almost felt a little bit guilty that he was returning the man's smile with a frown. Actually, if he was honest with himself, he didn't really feel anywhere near guilty for not being happy to see this man. But going into the true feelings he felt, the mixture of contradicting realities, did things to Cloud that he didn't want to think about. So, he reasoned that what he was feeling was guilt for being unable to greet such a friendly person with an at least semi-civil manner. Which was ridiculous, because the very thought of talking to this man threatened Cloud, so much so that he had nightmares about him.
This man did things to Cloud.
Physically, the man was unique. His face was one of the most beautiful he had ever seen. He was well built, packed with muscles that subtly hinted at bone crushing power, but not too bulky. He was tall, about six three, which annoyed Cloud because Cloud was only five eleven, and that included three inches of hair. Cloud's hair was interesting to say the least, but that was natural, nothing he could do about it. This man on the other hand, his hair was most definitely the most interestinghe'd ever seen, not that the spiky hairstyle did anything for his face. It wasn't natural, there was gel involved, and how the man got it to look exactly the same everyday Cloud would never know. When he'd first met the man his hair had been different, and Cloud thought that the shaggy hairstyle from before complimented the man's personality more. It had framed his face better, and most importantly it had been the man's natural state. Cloud liked natural things. He liked the way things were in their original state.
This man was no longer confidently walking around, blazoning everything he was. He was more cautious, more reserved, less natural. Cloud didn't think it was natural, these changes, and he especially hated the way it showed in more than the man's hair and outward persona. There was a scar on the man's face in the shape of a cross that screamed things to Cloud, things he didn't want to know. The pain in that scar was obvious to anyone because SOLDIERs didn't get scars. Only severe trauma could deplete a SOLDIER's resources enough to allow a scar to form. Scars weren't natural. And along with that scar, the man wore an unnatural look in his eyes that was slightly cold to the world around him. The man had once been the warmest person Cloud had ever seen. Why had he allowed one trauma to remove that? It angered Cloud, he'd once been so jealous of that warmth, and now this man had taken it for granted and locked it away deep within his heart. Cloud was no longer one of the people worthy enough to see it, not that he was sure there was anyone worthy enough to see it, or if there ever had been someone that worthy. The only thing that mattered was that he'd once been able to see how bright, warm, and caring this man was, and now he no longer got to see even a glimpse of it.
Cloud was unfortunate enough to know more about that trauma than anyone else, he'd been there when it happened. He'd seen the tears drying on his face and the redness of his eyes. He was observant enough to be able to see the way that incident had affected the man in front of him, and strangely enough he found himself actually hurtingfor the man. Perhaps it was because he knew what it was like to be forced to kill someone you loved? Cloud hardly thought that putting down the Nibel wolf he'd raised, loved, cared for, for seven years, compared to what the hero in front of him had been forced to do. Still, Cloud felt sympathy. He felt that it wasn't right for him to feel sympathy for someone so much more blessed than he was. It disturbed him, the man had everything he'd ever wanted; he didn't deserve to grieve the way he did. Or maybe that's why he grieved? Cloud didn't like to think about what it would be like if he'd achieved his dreams and realized that they weren't as happy as he'd thought. He didn't like thinking that the day he achieved everything he'd ever dreamed of would be a day where he grieved for a loss greater than any he'd ever felt. That thought scared him.
The man's dream was to become a hero, and in Cloud's eyes he became one long ago. To be a hero, you have to sacrifice something. The hero in front of Cloud wasn't as happy as he used to be. His aura, his personality, was not as bright or energetic as its natural and unaffected state. The man had sacrificed things no person should be forced to give up. It angered Cloud and at first, Cloud had thought it strange that he actually cared about such things. After a while he gave up on questioning what the fuck was going on. He realized and accepted that the only suitable explanation for these strange feelings consisted of insanity. Bat shit fucking crazy people couldn't provide rational explanations for their feelings, which meant that Cloud was bat shit fucking crazy. Strange, how he was totally fine with that. It hardly affected him at all.
Perhaps, the dream of being a hero was a fool's dream. Maybe the man had realized that, and in doing so, had figured out that heroes weren't really heroes. They were just broken people, broken people who were praised by everyone around them for things that should come naturally to every person. Cloud never wanted to be a hero. He prayed he'd never be put in the situation where he had to be. Heroes felt pain. Pain wasn't good. Heroes were responsible for more than they could handle. Such failures weren't good. Heroes watched dreams slide away from both themselves, and the people around them.
Cloud liked his dreams, even though some of them disturbed him. He was now totally fine with that. It hardly affected him at all. His dreams answered questions, and although he didn't like those answers, at least they were always true.
Cloud began to see the man in his dreams and his questions slid away. Those dreams, and what they were about, disturbed him to his very core. Those dreams took hold of his personality, and twisted it into something he didn't recognize. The dreams would not leave him no matter what he did. He'd been dreaming about that voice, those lips, and those eyes for quite a long time. He saw expressions and actions in his dreams that would never happen in real life. He feltthings for this man that would never be acknowledged. There was an everlasting fantasy going on in his dreams, providing further proof to the claim that Cloud was insane.
Strangely, he was fine with that as long as he got enough sleep to go through his missions and succeed. Cloud slept well, despite the things that entered his mind while he was a sleep.
Cloud felt his heartbeat immediately begin to race as he took in the expression on that face. Perhaps some of the expressions in his dreams could become reality, because really, the only other time Cloud had seen anyone look at him that way had been in his dreams. He'd always wished that someone would look at him that way, but at the moment he was scared shitless. The face making his dreams come true had power over Cloud. Cloud never gave power to anyone. That face belonged to a man. Cloud had never wanted men to look at him like that. Cloud never looked at other men that way. Or did he? These thoughts made Cloud quake with terror. He had hoped that one part of him was normal. Just one aspect of his personality had to be like everyone else.
The expression on the man's face and the enormity of what the man had just said led to a shameful blush making its home on Cloud's cheeks. Upon realizing the heat not only graced his cheeks but also his ears and the back of his neck, Cloud was barely able to keep from cursing. Men didn't blush,damn it, especially in the presence of other men. Then again, most men didn't get hard for their superior officers, either.
There was a wicked grin on the other man's face. It got even more wicked when the flush began to take over Cloud. Usually, a grin like that would make Cloud punch the other party in the nose, but this time the grin made Cloud's breath become light. Lecherous looks normally pissed Cloud off but at that moment that perverted grin made his pants a little tight.
This kind of stuff didn't happen to Cloud. He couldn't believe that this person was approaching him, and he couldn't believe that this person would actually use such a terribly lameline. He took a closer look at the sky blue and mako green eyes of the man addressing him, because there was just no way that a SOLDIER 1st was hitting on him sober. It just didn't happen. Yeah, this man was known for licentious behavior and lascivious mannerisms, but those were normally directed at women. But sure enough, upon further inspection Cloud saw the slightly dilated eyes and soft flush of the man's cheeks.
At least he hasn't turned as red as a fucking fire truck. What the hell is wrong with me? He starts talking to me and I suddenly turn into a fruit that tries to be a vegetable? I fucking hate tomatoes.
By the looks of things, the man was totally shit-faced. His cheeks were almost as red as Cloud's (although his natural tan hid it very well) his smile looked incredibly stupid, and his eyes looked sleepy as fuck. Somehow the blue eyed brunette managed to make that look not at all unattractive. Cloud's mind couldn't help but imagine other things that could have forced that flush on that handsome face. Things that Cloud shouldn't be imagining about another man, things that were destroying Cloud's sanity, things that he would never ever admit he was thinking, filled his thoughts. These things filled his mind whenever he saw the man who was currently hitting on him. This stuff didn't normally fill Cloud's mind.
Well, I guess that explains both the line and the fact that it's addressed to me. I thought SOLDIERS didn'tgetdrunk? How much has he drunk? It must have been a shit load.Whatwas he drinking? I think I'm gonna need it sometime soon.
Normally, Cloud wouldn't even turn to look at the person who was speaking because no, he was not the speaker's type and no, he would not get into the sack with them. This time, at least, the person speaking to him was someone he more or less knew. If one conversation on one mission actually helped you get to know someone. If Cloud's rather embarrassing habit of somehow ending up wherever this guy was helped you know someone. If hearing conversations, rumors, and tales of glory and not being able to get them out of your head helped you understand a person's inner workings. If so, then Cloud knew this man better than he knew himself.
Really, the only important information in this situation lay in the fact that this person was a man,and not only a man, but also a 1st Class Soldier. The man speaking to him was the only 1st ever to be kind to the infantrymen. This man spoke kindly to everyone, put enthusiasm into everything, and was one of the most perfect individuals Cloud had ever had the privilege to meet. This man also happened to have the most perfect, most brag worthy girl in the world as a girlfriend, if his boasts had any truth to them. That information should have been the only thing Cloud cared about at the moment.
It wasn't. The main thing running through Cloud's mind was that this person was also the only man Cloud had ever been attracted to.
Actually, saying that Cloud was attracted to this man was an understatement; in reality, Cloud had a rather hopeless crush on the man that sent his thoughts into turmoil. The person wasn't only the subject of wet dreams. Sure he was the subject of a very large number of amorous and not exactly innocent thoughts, but he was also what Cloud wanted to be,this person was an idol, a happy, kind, and all around amazing guy. This person was everything Cloud was not, and for some, crazy, unknown reason, Cloud wantedthis person. Cloud had never wanted another man. Cloud normally wanted women with long dark hair, large chests, and kick ass attitudes. Cloud normally wanted soft curves and cute smiles, not hard planes of muscle and sexy cocky smirks.
This man was an anomaly for Cloud. This man was a curiosity. This man would probably end up being the bane of Cloud's existence. Despite these things, or rather because of these things, Cloud didn't do what he normally did when he heard a moronic line addressed toward him. Instead, he actually fought against his irrational, rather violent inner self and resisted the incredibly strong urge he had to be extremely rude to the fag that was hitting on him. Instead of allowing the fact that a man wanted to get into his pants inspire homicidal rage within his usually calm and reserved self, Cloud refrained from telling this person off.
He shifted in his place upon his stool and turned to face the man. He was standing a mere inch away from the edge of Cloud's personal space limits and leaning one arm against the bar top in front of him. He was too close, he wasn't close enough. He inspired way too many contradictory thoughts.
Cloud examined the smiling face beside him and took in the happy, slightly stupid glint in the man's eyes with some satisfaction. It was slightly humorous, but it wasn't the unnatural cold look the man had taken to wearing. There was a little warmth in the look, maybe Cloud was worthy after all. Or maybe the man was totally drunk off his ass, which was probably why he hadn't let the tense silence that reined for quite some time after the initial point of contact bother him.
Kudos, you haven't run away yet. That's admirable. From what I've heard, you don't usually do this kind of stuff. My sources say you were a bit of a party animal when you were a 3rd, but after Commander Hewley became your mentor you calmed down. What's up with you? Story goes that you're straight and head over heels for a flower girl in the slums. Did you two have a lover's spat? Did you decide to get hammered and hit on the first cute face you saw? What would you do if you knew the way I thought about you? What would you do if you knew that I've talked to you in my head countless times? Do you even recognize me? Do you even know who I am?
Cloud ignored the slightly disturbing fact that his thoughts were finding a way to address the man in front of him, and really hoped his long list of questions didn't show on his face. He felt his brow deepen into a frown when all patience was lost and the man spoke again.
"Did you hear me, cutie? No response? Aww, that's sad, I caught you looking at me a few times earlier. I thought that meant something. Do you know how beautiful you are? I haven't ever seen features as delicate as yours, anywhere." The voice the man used had a bit of a chirpy quality, there was quite a bit of happiness in his manner, and the flirtatious smirk on his face did a little to make him look less stupid. It only did a little, and Cloud couldn't help but glare at him. Beautiful? Delicate? Did this guy think he was a chick? Lovely. Cloud rolled his eyes. He tried desperately to ignore the potentially embarrassing affect that baritone voice could have on him.
"Awwww. Don't be like that! It's true!" The man exclaimed and Cloud fixed him with a shrewd look that made his smile drop a little and his hand reach back to rub the back of his neck in a sheepish gesture. He laughed a little and Cloud just shook his head at him sadly.
He was warring with himself. He had a few options, and none of them fully satisfied him. The first option consisted of telling the man off and possibly getting into a fight with someone who could kick his ass about as well as an Ifrit. That was pretty bad because an Ifrit could eat Cloud for breakfast. The second stated that the best plan of action was to completely ignore the drunk. Considering what Cloud knew of this man's personality, he was pretty certain this plan wouldn't work. The hyperactive man was as stubborn as a mule and would probably annoy him for the entire time he stayed at the bar. Of course, the third option was to just leave the bar, but Cloud's pride didn't allow him to do that. He never gave in to the harassment of other men, ever. That was weak, and although Cloud didn't look for confrontation, he wouldn't allow himself to lose a fight. Walking away was admitting defeat. Sure, people claimed the bigger man walked away, but Cloud was not a big man, and he had no intention of acting like it. Screw that shit, kicking a guy's ass said that he was the better man better than walking away. The fourth consisted of being polite, and informing the man of things his drunken state probably made him forget to notice. For some strange reason, Cloud didn't feel like informing the fourth drunken man to approach him that night, that he was not a woman, and not gay. Really, it was so strange that the blond was in a bad mood. The fifth option…. The fifth option was an idea that Cloud was really ashamed to have allowed in his head. The idea of playing along with the man and seeing where the flirtation goes might satisfy his curiosity, but there was no doubt that at it would lead to a lot of trouble.
Contrary to what was the popular opinion among Cloud's bunk mates, Cloud Strife was not a fairy. Cloud was notgay. He was veryattracted to women, and normally very repulsed by men. He used to always laugh off his friends' jokes and accusations because he was very secure in his sexual orientation. It didn't used to insult his masculinity to have people imply that he seemed like a homo or have men hit on him. He used to just laugh it off and set people straight gently. When it came to misconception among his peers, Cloud didn't really care. He knew he wasn't gay, and no one else had to know that, too. It was his business, no one else's. He had no urge to get fucked up the ass, and he had no urge to suck dick, therefore, he was in a safe, normal, place. It didn't matter what the other infantrymen thought.
He didn't hate on homos, he just didn't necessarily associate with them. He wasn't abnormally rude to them either. He treated everyone with the exact same distant, cold, and aloof manner. He was rude to everybody. Straight or gay, it didn't matter, Cloud didn't like people. He wasn't shy, he was antisocial. Cloud wasn't afraid of people, he hated them.
This mentality remained consistent until Cloud began to have inappropriate thoughts about a man. Cloud would willingly admit that he was afraid of this man. The dreams had started out innocent enough after first meeting him, but eventually, the dreams morphed into something not at all innocent and led to cold showers. It confused Cloud to no end. He looked at other men and saw things to envy: bigger biceps, broader shoulders, better calves, more handsome face, prettier face. He looked at this man, the man who was currently trying to get into his pants and only saw something to worship. He saw something he wanted, desperately. He saw something he knew could make him happier than he had ever been, if he only allowed it to happen.
He had never been attracted to another man before. The thought that the one thing about him that had been normal had changed scared him. The thought that maybe, just maybe, he didlean that way made him extremely angry. He'd been taught at a young age by his town that homosexuality was not acceptable. He'd never really bought that someone who was gay should be hated and ostracized purely because of that, he'd never bought the idea that gay meant evil, disease, sin. Other people could be gay, and have homosexual thoughts, but that was not acceptable in his own mind, mainly because it wouldn't have been acceptable to his father, who wasn't alive anymore, but still had a great influence on Cloud. Cloud loved his dad, and most of all, he respected the man who had laid down his life so that his son and wife could get away from the monster that was about to tear the three of them to shreds.
He hated the thought that maybe, if the man could see him today, that man would think him unworthy of that sacrifice.
Cloud hadbeen looking at him all night. Ever since the SOLDIER had walked in to the bar, Cloud had been sending glances over to the booth he had taken up with his friends. He couldn't help it, he had to take in that face and see if his dreams paled in comparison or if they over exaggerated. The other SOLDIERS that had accompanied the man had left a long time ago. The bar was beginning to clear out, and Cloud was thankful that this was the one night he had off, because it was long past the time he had to report in. He was free to get drunk off his ass and not return to head quarters until noon. He hoped that this guy had the day off, too, because if he wasn't he'd probably end up getting his ass handed to him by the General. Sephiroth ruled over the 1sts with a method consisting of severe punishment and no reward, and although Cloud didn't really like the other man all too much right now, what with his annoying ability to put Cloud into a state of school girl shyness, Cloud didn't want the man to be punished.
It all came back down to the fact that the only man Cloud had ever been attracted to was approaching him and calling him out on his stares. The truth of the man's statement, and the overwhelming curiosity Cloud felt made up his mind. Perhaps, if he just flirted a little, he'd understand why he kept having dreams consisting of this man on his knees for him. Maybe he'd be able to understand why it had to be thisman. Why it had to be those lips touching something only Cloud's hands had ever touched, why it had to be that face looking up at him from the floor, that spiky hair in his hands. Why couldn't it be someone else? Why couldn't it be someone Cloud was actually safe to touch?
After a few dreams, after a few instances seeing the man around both the Shinra building and the rest of Midgar, Cloud realized he had a strange obsession with this man's mouth. He always stared at it, always took pleasure in seeing the corners of his lips turn up, always felt displeased when they dropped. Again, he found himself staring at it as it began to frown in impatience. When the man was about to speak again Cloud interrupted him and directed his gaze up into his eyes.
"I heard you. Not interested." Cloud spoke for the first time that day and tried not to wince at how emotionless and ugly his voice sounded. The truth was that Cloud hated how boring, monotonous, and…..weak his voice was. As Cloud heard himself speak he realized that it was probably impossible for him to flirt with the man. He'd never flirted before, and he had no clue what he was doing.
"What? Hey, that's not a nice thing to say!" The man didn't even look angry as he responded to Cloud's statement.
"And?" Cloud raised an eyebrow.
The man had started to look a little excited at finally being able to hear Cloud speak. There was a wider smile on his lips and a demeanor about the man that confused Cloud to no end. One leg was bouncing a little. He looked proud, and almost as if Cloud's indifferent, rude, and sarcastic manner was a good thing. That was a first.
"Well, I just complimented you, and all you say is 'Not interested'? That's cold, babe." The voice was happy and excited, not outraged, like the words would suggest. What was wrong with this guy? The tone in his voice did strange things to Cloud. His excitement and joy at getting a response from Cloud almost made Cloud happy as well. He could feel enthusiasm start to sink into his being, and felt himself get excited, hopeful. Cloud wouldn't let anybody know this, especially not the man himself. Cloud gave him a look that was reserved for men who suddenly grew six heads and a pair of wings. He forced an air of annoyance on his face. It wasn't entirely forced, he kind of felt like leaving the bar, looking into the sky and screaming his lungs out.
"Sir, do you even know who I am?" Cloud asked. He was shocked to find that his voice didn't match his expression. There was a bit of flirtation and a lot of amusement in his voice. Knowing this disturbed Cloud, but at least he was very certain that there was no way the man would be able to recognize what was in his voice. Not even his mother would have been able to pick up the emotion in his statement.
"Well, no, I don't know your name or what you do for a living, but I can tell that you're the shy, innocent, and cute type. And don't call me sir, it makes me feel old! The name's Zack Fair! I'm not that much older than you. I mean, you can't be older than eighteen, right? Are you using a fake I.D? How'd you build up a tolerance that fast?"
Cloud decided to answer the last few questions and ignore Zack's assumptions. Cloud didn't need Zack to tell him his name, but whenever he thought of him he called him 'the man', 'that man', 'that person.' He'd like to think that if Zack wasn't drunk off his ass he'd at least know what Cloud did for a living, even if he didn't remember his name. After all, they were on a mission together, one that Cloud was fairly certain would never leave his mind. Zack had to have at least remembered his face. Right now, Zack was so drunk he didn't even know what gender Cloud was.
"I turned eighteen last month." He said quietly. He looked Zack in the eyes and gave him the cute look that always got the women in the canteen to give him an extra serving of the slop Shinra gave the grunts and actually dared to call food. He saw Zack's eyes widen and his smile get larger. Cloud wanted to shoot himself when he found that this made a warm feeling pool in the pit of his stomach. It felt good, making this man smile, but Cloud's mind told him that it was disgusting, it was pitiful, and would lead to a great deal of pain.
"Really? How can you take that much alcohol without passing out? That's pretty impressive for someone so innocent. I've been glancing at you, too. You've been drinking a lot of whiskey."
"I'm not at all innocent, Zack." Cloud said, he let a tiny smile grace the corners of his mouth and knew that his voice and what he'd said was highly suggestive. He saw Zack's Adam's apple move a little and was amused when he saw a little bit of lust touch his eyes. He resisted the urge to laugh. He knew that Zack was an open book when he'd first met him, but he'd never thought he'd be so easy to read. This was cheap porn flirtation, and he couldn't really believe that line had come out of his mouth.
"Oh, is that so?" Zack said with a slightly husky edge to his voice. Zack pulled the empty stool that was standing behind him closer to Cloud and sat on it. He'd been standing beside Cloud and staring at him for their entire conversation. He fixed Cloud with a look that made his mind think inappropriate thoughts and leaned his upper body against the bar. He didn't take his eyes off of Cloud's, and this made the blond feel just a hint of self-satisfaction. He was starting to forget all about his hang-ups when it came to Zack.
Who cared that he was a guy? Who cared that he was totally out of Cloud's league? Who cared that it was probably against regulations? Zack Fair was currently flirting with Cloud Strife. These kinds of things didn't happen to Cloud, ever. He had to seize this opportunity while he could.
"Yep, the legal drinking age in my hometown was fifteen and Midgar goes for the legal age of the birthplace." After speaking, Cloud reached for the shot of whiskey he'd neglected to drink for far too long. He needed to take a few seconds to look away from the heavy stare Zack was fixing him. As he brought the shot to his lips he began to think thoughts he didn't really want to think and felt the slight smile he'd been wearing slip a little. The bravery that had spurred him on throughout most of the conversation began to leave him.
Cloud was not a timid creature. He kept to himself because he liked the way things were when he was on his own. Zack made him feel timid as a kitten. Thinking of these things, how totally out classed he was, how few things he had to recommend himself, how completely out of his element he was, Cloud couldn't help but have the urge to disappear into the ground beneath him. His body began to crouch into itself without this knowledge as he began to think that Zackwould care that Cloud was another guy, Zackwould care if he knew that he was currently flirting with aninfantryman, and Zack would care that he deserved way better than Cloud.
He didn't notice that Zack's eyes had moved to his lips when he'd brought the shot glass to his lips and hadn't left since. He didn't realize that Zack wasn't as drunk as he thought and had easily noticed the sudden shrinking of the person he'd been flirting with.
"Hey, what's got you going all sad on me?" He asked quietly. His voice was so gentle, so serious, that it shocked Cloud. Cloud turned to face him and saw that his face had become as serious as his soft and gentle voice. He cursed himself when he felt guilt pool in his stomach with the thought that he was the reason Zack had stopped smiling.
Thoughts about the fact that you don't remember me at all, don't even think my face is familiar, and probably think that you're talking to a girl right now. Thoughts about how I actually care about you, as crazy as it seems, considering this is only our second conversation ever.
"Nothing." Cloud forced a smile at Zack, and immediately changed the direction of his gaze. He'd never tried to fake a smile. He very much doubted that he was at all convincing. He found himself looking towards the bar maid who was cleaning off the counter top. The woman glanced up, saw him staring, assumed he wanted to order something, and started to come his way. Zack looked towards the same direction and gave the woman a smile.
"Can I have another beer, Esme?" Zack asked when the woman had reached them. Cloud sent a strange look in his direction. He hadn't known that Zack was such a flirt. In all honesty, Cloud wasn't surprised. Zack Fair was an attractive man.
"Sure, Zack! Anything for your friend?" The woman chirped. Cloud shook his head at her.
"Can you bring me my bill, please? It's getting late." Cloud said quietly.
"What? NO!" Zack suddenly exclaimed. Cloud jumped a little in his seat and couldn't keep the emotion out of his face. He was fairly certain he looked like a spooked chocobo.
"Heh. Sorry about that blondie." Zack laughed nervously. "Esme, could you make my order 2 beers? I don't want him to leave, yet. I'm gonna force him to have a beer with me."
"Sure, Zack."
When Cloud walked into the motel holding a strong, large, male hand in his own, he realized that he was an idiot. A complete, desolate, soon to be destitute, soon to be shattered, idiot. There was no way in hell he was getting out of this situation unscathed. He was about to have a one night stand with a man. A slightly drunken man who, if he did realize Cloud was male, didn't realize that Cloud was part of the same company and quite a few ranks below him.
There was no way out though, Cloud thought, as two strong arms slipped around his waist once they had found their way to Cloud's room and had shut the door behind them. Soft lips began to press against his neck, and Cloud felt something constrict in his chest when the man tightened his grip around his waist. He wanted this embrace to last. He wanted to feel this again, and again and again. The warmth at his back, the warmth of the feeling that was filling him, the thought that there was someone who cared, made him wish time would stop, or that there was some way for him to ensure that he felt this every day for the rest of his life.
As the lips parted and teeth began to nibble at his neck Cloud rolled his head back and rested it on the strong shoulder behind him, exposing his neck. Zack's hands moved to the line of his pants and then back up, under his shirt. His fingers then started to softly trace the lines of Cloud's stomach sending Cloud's blood rushing to his crotch. Cloud yelped a little when his teeth found a particularly sensitive part of his neck and had bitten just a little bit too hard. Zack murmured something unintelligible and licked, then kissed, the spot he had abused.
Cloud moaned, it felt so strange, being held instead of doing the holding. He was letting Zack take control and this confused him, made him just a little bit scared. He wasn't used to vulnerability.
Zack's hands moved down from Cloud's stomach to grip his hips in a tight embrace.
Cloud never wanted the man to let go, and when he felt hips roll into his ass the panicked feeling, brought on by the fact that he was about to let another man fuck him, began to war with the more pleasant ones brought on by the lips against his neck.
"Relax. I know what I'm doing." Zack said into his ear, making Cloud shudder. Zack nibbled his ear after that and Cloud groaned. He turned around and looked Zack in the eyes.
"You know, you're kind of drunk right now." Cloud spoke softly as he moved his arms to wrap around Zack's neck. He took a few steps forward and leaned into Zack. In doing so, he forced Zack's back against the wall. The other man looked into Cloud's eyes with a lazy grin and slouched into the wall. Cloud pressed his hips into the other man's. He felt content like this, and judging by the look in Zack's eyes, he was content too.
"So?"Zack said softly. He moved his hands up Cloud's back and began to rub at the slightly tense muscles there. Cloud sighed softly, and the man smiled.
"Well, you might wake up in the morning and kick me out of my bed. Either that or you won't be there when I wake up, which I wouldn't mind, I know a one night stand when I see one. I just don't want you to regret this. You aren't taken are you?" Cloud spoke in a smooth low voice. He was quiet, as always, even when he was pressing against another person, hard as a rock. Cloud didn't moan loudly, he knew. He made soft sighs, quiet moans of approval. He wondered if Zack liked them loud, he didn't know if he could be that if he tried. It wasn't a natural state for him. He had his doubts right now, as much as he wanted this, he felt insecurities he'd never knew he had rise up and settle in his stomach, making him feel kind of sick.
He knew Zack was taken, he didn't know why he asked. Perhaps he wanted to feel like he'd been stabbed in the gut? Hearing that yes, Zack had a girlfriend, and that he was just a casual fuck because the man was horny, would most certainly make Cloud feel like he'd had masamune shoved through his chest. He didn't want to think about how strange that was, how totally unwarranted such feelings were. He knew very well that he had no claims on the man before him, no right to wish that this would be more than a one night stand. Tonight had really been only the second time they had talked, but they had talked so much. Cloud felt he had spoken more that night, during the two hours they had sat at the bar talking to each other, each only having one beer, than he had ever spoken to one person before. It felt strange to him, how easily he fell into Zack's trap. He'd opened up and talked about many things. He'd described his mother, her cooking and his sister. Zack had described his mother, his mother's cooking and his dog, Harry, who died when he was nine. Cloud had described Nibelheim, Zack had described Gongaga. Cloud felt so sad, knowing Zack probably wouldn't remember that long conversation.
Cloud felt sad that after tonight, he'd never have Zack make him laugh again. Zack made him laugh and laugh and laugh. A carefree laugh he'd never heard himself let out. Normally his laugh was a dark, serious, or sarcastic chuckle. He felt good around Zack. And it showed in his smile, in his laugh, in every other part of his being.
"No, I'm not taken, as of tonight. My girl and I fought yesterday, and well today she called and said I wasn't her guy anymore. It wasn't exactly the nicest break up, but don't worry, beautiful, you won't have a crazy ex attack you." Zack said with a grin. He leaned forward a little and kissed Cloud's forehead.
"That's good."Cloud gave a small smile back, and tried hopelessly to smother the small amount of hope that was beginning to pool in his stomach. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Zack's for the first time.
It felt so good. Zack's hands went under his shirt and he leaned his upper body forward into the kiss. Cloud pressed his hips into Zack's and the man responded in kind.
They went on like that for a while, a lazy kiss, neither dominating, no little struggles. Their tongues intertwined lazily. Zack's hands gently caressed Cloud's back, and then his stomach, before lifting his shirt over his head. Cloud removed his arms from around Zack's neck and trailed his hands down Zack's front, grabbing the front of the man's pants without the hesitance he'd felt before they had kissed. Zack groaned into Cloud's mouth as he began to rub his hand against the man's hard on. Cloud felt a little smile tug at his lips.
"Baby, you might not want to do too much of that. It feels real good." Zack slurred softly into Cloud's ear after pulling away from the kiss. He moved his hands to Cloud's ass pulling his hips against his body, trapping Cloud's hands between them. He turned them around, pressing Cloud's back against the wall and moving his hands up to frame either side of Cloud's face. He looked into Cloud's eyes, and the look in his eyes made Cloud feel like he was the only person in the entire world, everything Zack wanted, the only thing he needed.
Zack kissed his nose and smiled at Cloud, still staring into his eyes.
"Your eyes are the most beautiful I've ever seen, you know. They're what made me notice you, tonight at the bar. Glancing at me, so innocently."
"Yeah, right, I was thinking things that were definitely not innocent."Cloud retorted with a snort. "You know, you're kind of ruining the mood with all your talking."
"Hey!"Zack squawked with a small chuckle and mock offense before relaxing further into Cloud and pressing every inch of his body against Cloud's.
"I like guys," He whispered, "No romancing needed. There's no manipulation involved either, just the truth, cold and cruel though it might be."
"Hmmmm, I see. Well, then, let's get on with it then." Cloud said. He, yet again looked into Zack's eyes, and was shocked to see the affection that was there. He was even more surprised by the reflection of his own eyes. Cloud had never known himself to look so carefree. There was a happy, playful tinge to his eyes he'd never seen before.
"Of course" Zack murmured. He leaned in and kissed Cloud. This time he was more passionate, more forceful, dominating the kiss in a way that made Cloud sigh and press back against him. His hands clawed their way up Zack's back to the spikes of his hair. He found himself pressing back into Zack forcefully and tugging harshly at the other man's hair, making him gasp, giving him a chance to force his tongue into the other man's mouth. Thereby initiating a small contest for dominance Cloud didn't at all mind losing after a few minutes of struggle. He tugged on the other man's hair one more time before letting him dominating the kiss once more.
Zack groaned a little at that. Cloud couldn't help but open his eyes during the kiss and getting a look at the other man's face. Zack kept his eyes closed. It was beautiful, and Cloud wanted the sight to be burned into his memory. He closed his own eyes after a few moments of staring at the other man and rocked his hips forward into Zack's, savoring the friction of the movement. Zack moved his one hand over Cloud's stomach and into his pants, rubbing at Cloud's erection. Cloud sighed, loving the feeling of someone else's hands around him.
"Bed?" Cloud demanded but it sounded like a question when it was muffled by Zack's lips.
Zack pulled a few centimeters away from Cloud's lips opening his eyes to stare, yet again, into Cloud's.
He nodded his head just a little. "Bed," He agreed.
Cloud smiled. Hoping like hell that this wasn't a dream.